Monday 29th April, 2013        1545

The first day of a three day break. Mercifully the workmen on the floor below never started at eight this morning again but they started sledge hammering and drilling after lunch so a siesta is off the menu.

The promised rain has yet to arrive but is on its way - the late arrival almost certainly ensures that it won’t clear up before midday tomorrow as predicted. So you see, it’s not just the UK that invariably gets rain on a bank holiday weekend! Seeing as tomorrow I will be mostly stuck in the barracks I am leaving changing the bed and pressing trousers until then.

Last night as I sat outside the sweet pork place watching the 29 bus depart at regular intervals it was packed every time and as a result the campus is very sparsely populated now. I went to the shops with the intention of also getting shorn but to my disgust Barry Manilow has taken all three days off so the haircut will have to wait. With so little free time this term it would have been ideal in the break, not least because there are no queues.

Tuesday 1845

The impending rain arrived and no sooner did it do so than we lost all power - not just the school but the surrounding area again. It was particularly annoying as not only had I just put the animal food on but my bread maker was a spit off starting to cook. It has no simply “bake” function so I assumed it would be the same as Kevin’s where it has a ten minute memory and if disconnected for longer just goes back to the beginning. With visions of having to ultimately take the pan and finish off after power came back (I could hardly start from scratch due to the time and the fact it would try to knead the dough all over again) I resigned myself to having to use my oven to complete the job. I settled down with a book and my battery lamp for the two hours it turned out to be off and amazingly the lamp lasted that long although I do have candles for back up.

To my surprise the machine simply picked up where it left off when we had light but of course as it had been so long the dough had risen to ridiculous heights and I had to poke it with my finger to collapse it. That resulted in a loaf at the finish whose top resembled the face of a shar-pei mutt. But nonetheless edible. Having made everyone’s dinner I settled down to watch some BBC telly but stone me if the power didn’t go off again amid a torrential downpour coupled with rather loud reports from thunder. I gave up and went to bed.

Today I have been lazy so I need to rectify that tomorrow. Trousers still need pressing, bed changing etc not to mention some lesson preparation but as I am exhausted due to the workmen resuming work downstairs at a highly antisocial hour this morning I will be sleeping early tonight and should be up early enough to accomplish those before I decide whether to go to town or not.

A couple of hours ago I was sitting near the shops about to text Joanna to say my cheese was a long time coming when she rang as I was composing the message. She had it and was coming. Good stuff and dinner tonight is now cheese on misshapen toast which would have been Welsh rarebit had I not just thrown my tomato away!

She informed me that she and Happy want to stay on campus this summer holiday so I need to ask Kevin if his flat will be free. I hope so as they can look after my animals for me and hopefully negate the need to put Pepsi with the vet. Although they do take dogs for walks I really don’t like the thought of her being cooped up in a cage the rest of the day.

So that’s it for now, a bit of Attenborough’s Blue Planet, food and a very, very early night.

Sunday 28th April, 2013                 1000

Apologies for the hiatus but hopefully you will understand the reason for my silence in due course.

Just as in a Tom Sharpe novel where seemingly unconnected events ultimately all collide to produce an hilarious ending, they can in real life combine to create disaster for someone.

A few days after Hebe’s sad suicide I was teaching a unit to several of my classes which covered fake and shoddy goods. In it, mention was made of fake medicines, so by way of delivering what was to me a sensible warning, I mentioned that I took various medications daily (nothing of course I hadn’t disclosed in my application before coming to China) and on no account should they ever be tempted by low prices to buy such things online.

On Friday afternoon I received a call from Cinny which seemed like a “nothing” call - there was no substance to it and no apparent reason for it being made. Except - and almost as a “by the way” - she said at the end she had heard from the students that I took medicines every day, was it true and was it anything serious? I didn’t lie (pointless anyway as all that was needed was a glance at my application) and the call ended. I thought it was an odd thing to have been asked but attached no weight to it.

At about six o’clock, two hours later, Cinny stopped to see me outside the supermarket where I was sitting chatting to a couple of my students. She had something personal to tell me. This could only portend something gloomy so I suggested we move out of earshot of other people. The Chinese way of imparting bad news is to try to make it all fluffy first so as to lessen the pain when they run a sword through your heart and she had barely started on this course when I guessed. I said to her, “I’ve lost my job, haven’t I?” I was right.

I hadn’t seen that coming at all and I cannot begin to describe the depths my heart sank to. At Christmas I had been assured I could stay for the following year and now here I was being told that in just over two months I was finished here. I did of course ask the reasons behind this and naturally received nice cuddly ones which I didn’t believe for one minute. In a daze, I sent a message to a student apologising because I would not be able to attend their English corner/party (merely saying something had happened), collected Pepsi and rode home to try and collect my thoughts. I was surprised to find that Kevin was still here as he normally teaches downtown but it had been cancelled due to a power cut. I duly knocked on his door and gave him the news. He looked as if I had punched him on the nose - indeed apparently when he told Prof Fang’s assistant her reaction was an incredulous “Not Steve??!!” My thoughts exactly.

Kevin asked what reason had I been given - one of which was there wouldn’t be enough classes next term - which was clearly false unless they were expelling 250 students part way through their course. I made the comment to him that suddenly that little conversation regarding medicines I had had with Cinny suddenly seemed sinister.

Back in my flat my mind engaged overdrive. I became more and more convinced my deduction was right, that they had suddenly come to the conclusion I would drop dead at any time. For reasons that are entirely beyond me, schools here are held accountable for the health of their foreign teachers - mad I know, but that’s the way it is.

Then of course the ramifications manifested themselves. Three cats and a dog to try to re-home urgently. I have booked a break in the UK and now if I found another job (won’t be a problem but I may not be so lucky in respect of job satisfaction) I would face two months without pay even if my new employer allowed me to move in early so at least I had a roof. I am not in a position survive two months without pay, my fault I know but I was up the proverbial creek without so much as a spoon, let alone a paddle. And of course let’s not forget having to say goodbye to my students which was going to destroy me.

I slept very little that night.

The following day, Saturday (we are working this weekend) I resolved to go and see Prof Fang and see if there was any way I could get the decision rescinded. To that end I terminated my second class a few minutes early in order to catch her in her office before she left for lunch but was thwarted as she had already left. Undeterred, I returned half an hour earlier than afternoon classes start and she was there but with two people with her so I waited. When they left she couldn’t talk as she had a meeting to attend elsewhere so I said I would come back after class.

Just to turn the screws even more the meeting overran and I camped out for forty minutes near her office, determined to have a definite answer before she left for the day. In her office I was given various reasons, one of which was the 5 year “rule” which is in reality a guideline and not a law, whereby foreign teachers shouldn’t stay more than 5 years at one school. I pointed out that I had only been here for three. The other reasons made no sense to me (although I have been here long enough to know that to the Chinese they would) and eventually I told her what I though was the real reason - namely that the school suddenly thought I was going to expire midway through my next lesson. I was right. I pointed out that nothing medically apart from my accident had altered since the first day I came through the south gate three years ago and that I was not ill per se, I simply had conditions and indeed had taken these pills for 28 years, half of my life.

There ensued a chat about how I give my all to this place and I was given extremely nice compliments which I believe were entirely meant and I sensed she did not want to see me go either. It also emerged that Prof Fang had begged Hebe’s parents to take her away from the school but the father insisted she should stay and even drew up a document which he signed to say that the school wasn’t to be held accountable. In the event and notwithstanding his assurances, after her death he more or less blackmailed the school - presumably with bad publicity - and this being China they reportedly ended up shelling out 150,000y in hush money.

So a student suicide, a helpful comment in class by me, innocent comments by students, a phone call and a grieving father all joined forces to detonate a bomb to shatter my world on Friday night.

The upshot was that she has agreed I can stay another year and as I was leaving she said “So we have an understanding then?” to which I responded “Yes, I understand that I have another year and you understand that this time next year I will be back asking for another year!” Either way at least the weight is gone from my shoulders for now and I have the chance to do some serious saving next year so that if the worst happens at least I will not have to worry about two months unpaid holiday.

I really, really don’t want to leave but at least this way I will get to see my three 4 year classes (Joanna’s, Vivian’s and Balance’s) graduate. It will still be a wrench to leave my new ones though.

I could accept it far more readily if it happened after just one year and the reason was, genuinely, that I am a useless teacher. But I’m not even if I do say so myself! Enjoy your Sunday folks, at least I can be Mr Happy in this afternoon’s class - the poor souls yesterday must have wondered what had happened to their usual foreign teacher that day!

St Georges Day 2013             1800

And two years to the day (and about four hours from now) when an articulated lorry nearly snuffed my life out.

I am still wondering where the sun and warm weather got to, it wasn’t actually cold today but then it wasn’t warm either and just now when I was at the shops we had a rain shower. If anyone out there sees any of the much publicised global warming kindly give it directions to here.

I had a little heartwarming news this afternoon. You may remember Eve who I mentioned some months ago. She wanted to study abroad - in Canada - and she was seeking teacher references from here. I was approached and composed a glowing recommendation for her to send to wherever she wanted to apply. She took IELTS and achieved a score of 7 which is pretty impressive and applied to both Brock and Windsor universities in Ontario. Brock followed up my reference by emailing me for further information but Windsor presumably took it at face value. She was accepted by both and has chosen to go to Windsor. I hope my involvement may have had a small bearing on the result and I am really pleased for her. I think everyone should have the chance to travel and experience other cultures. So far of three people I have helped two have passed, I sincerely hope the third (Qing) will make it a hat trick. I will know within the week when she gets her score.

Wednesday 24th           2000

Roll on the May holiday on Monday! Nice day here from mid-morning onwards, had I not been riding the bike it would have been short sleeves weather.

This afternoon Kevin had an “inspection” for his class. It was the same as I had last term when 8 Chinese teachers sat in on my class. Ostensibly they are there to learn from us (well they certainly did from me!) but they must think we both came down the Clyde on a banana boat if they think we believe that - as soon as they leave they go into a meeting downstairs! I suspect Kevin took it an awful lot more seriously than me - nothing wrong with that, he takes his work equally seriously, far more than I do if truth be told - and of course he is not as fortunate as I am perhaps in that I can simply make up lessons as I go. He prefers it structured, yet I believe our job here is more in keeping them interested and engaged. We both of course aim to get as many as possible involved in discussions in English so we have the same goals. My view is that if my ability is insufficient then fire me, but in both our cases they would be hard pressed to recruit other teachers more dedicated to the students here. It was a pity they picked one of his classes of 3 year students (zombies) and he couldn’t  swap for 4 year bods as I did!

In my morning class I had two chemistry majors visit to improve their English. One of them had attended one of my lessons in my first year, had asked her form tutor how best to improve and been advised to come along. It was a business English class and perchance today was about job interviews. That involves me giving tips on how to be an interviewee and what to expect followed by me getting a panel of three “bosses” to interview applicants in front of the class. The chemistry girl was first to volunteer as a boss and she was utterly ruthless with the candidates! Actually she put a lot of my own kids to shame and I hope some of the wallflowers took notice - that girl wants to do a masters abroad and is boning up to pass the exam. In my opinion I don’t foresee any problems with her passing or indeed anything to hold her back in life.

I made some chilli mince and potatoes last night for dinner, loads left over so I chilled some for tonight along with some for Kevin. I am good but not that good - all the spuds went into mine and I left him to buy his own taters and boil them. Lazy git just bought some boiled rice to go with it from one of the cafes! I am sure it will be fine regardless and I think tonight he is as tired as I am.

Before I go I must mention the story I saw in the Telegraph that questions were asked in The House when a teacher approached their MP to complain that they had been instructed at their school not to use red ink when marking papers for fear of upsetting pupils. No matter how jaded you become or how much you have seen there will always be something to renew your faith in the belief that the PC brigade should all be taken out and shot.

Monday 22nd April, 2013        1240

As I promised myself, I did next to nothing on Saturday and even managed to grab an afternoon nap before I had to go and judge the speaking competition at seven. I was one of five judges, the others being two students, Cinny and a male teacher. As the sole native speaker I confess that these contests confound me. Every time I award high marks to someone they score badly and when I award terrible scores they end up in the top rankings! My consolation was that they did provide me with free cans of amber nectar.

Saturday was terrible. There was an APB out on the warm weather - utterly crazy when it can be 30C one day and 16C the next and of course when I left to go to town it was barely in double figures. I really wished I had put the down jacket on and taken my gloves. I did my solitary morning lesson, finished at ten and then went off for my four hour lunch break. I stopped at the bank to see Sonya but she wasn’t starting work until twelve, so as it was too early for lunch I went shopping first. KBW was a disappointment as they had no sweet pork and what I did choose wasn’t particularly enjoyable - I wished I had gone to KFC instead, which is saying something.

When I finished I returned to the bank and spent half an hour sitting at the counter chatting with Sonya but when I first went in I was surprised to see her wearing a face mask. Instantly my thoughts turned to the avian flu “scare” and asked her why she was wearing it. It wasn’t that, she had eaten some food that was too spicy and it had made her face “seriously ugly“, so she said. I asked her to show me and reluctantly she did. I ended up having to ask her exactly what the problem was because I couldn’t see anything wrong. Women!

When I got back the ham and mustard had arrived so you can guess what I will be having later! Better still, the shop included a price list which is written in both English and Chinese. To my delight they sell all kinds of meats - parma ham, prosciutto, beef mince etc and many types of sausages, including English butchers ones! They do other things as well but ham and bangers may see them getting repeat custom from me. I have even found a shop online that sells chicken pies and scotch eggs!

Last night I finally went for my free beers and pool with the teacher who owns the bar. I also visited Eeyore who has yet to catch a mouse (or at least if she has she hasn’t left any evidence) but is apparently doing the trick because they seem to have scampered frightened. She is not eating well but hopefully that is now solved. He was giving her fish but straight from a downstairs restaurant with sauce and vegetables all over it. He now knows plain boiled fish, liver, kidney etc will go down much better. I have also told him she is now his cat. In view of her impossible toilet habits I am glad to see the back of her and at least to somewhere where eventually he will learn how to feed her properly. He has already bought Whiskas biscuits so I think he will look after her.

1810

Well that was marvellous. When I finished typing the above I realised it was time to take Pepsi out before I went to afternoon classes. Despite it not being forecast until tomorrow it was raining and I had left the bike out in the open. I wasn’t happy at getting a wet backside when had I known it could have been prevented. So far it hasn’t stopped since and most of the time it has been heavy. After class I took her to the shops and while watering myself I realised that having donated the umbrella I kept under the saddle to a bereft student the last time it rained, I didn’t have one for myself. I bought yet another one for 21y (when I have plenty at home) knowing I would need it for the walk from cover to home after I parked up under shelter, but Sod’s law stated  that no sooner did I park than the rain eased off enough for it not to warrant breaking out the brolly!

My friend at the Hefei Hilton has confirmed he is coming on Saturday 4th May and has booked a room at the Phoenix Country Garden hotel, certainly one of our best here and on a par with his place - although I doubt very much the food will be. Not that it matters as we will take him to lunch, dinner and Sunday lunch while he is here. Trying to decide where to take him gave pause for thought but so far my idea has been the sweet pork place because he wants to see the school and it‘s close by, a prawn hotpot for dinner and then at Kevin’s suggestion Pop’o’Fish for Sunday lunch before he leaves. I will chat with Kevin about it because  my thoughts are for each of us (Kevin, Ollivier and I) to take a student - I hope to take Qing - so we will be a sizeable party and the last thing I want is my friend to think is that as we are in the sticks we can’t still enjoy a decent meal! Or three in this case……

The bread is baked, the ham is sitting enticingly looking at me when I open the fridge and I bought a nice firm tomato - ok so I had to go under the counter to pinch one that wasn’t all soggy. It must sound terrible that someone is looking forward to sandwiches for their main, and in my case only, meal of the day but truly I am. That ham had better be good!

Thursday 18th April, 2013          1930

Nothing much of interest happening of late and to be honest I have been tired lately. Definitely a very early night tonight - this having to get up at 0630 (and being woken up earlier!) every day lark regardless of whether I am working or not tends to drain me. Yes of course, the little stroll just after sunup with Pepsi is nice and peaceful but it rather curtails evening activities because I have to cook every night even if only for the animals.

Tomorrow is supposed to be chilly at 18C - it was higher than that today at 24C but overcast and I needed my jumper and it is threatening to rain as I type - so I may or may not go to town after classes finish at noon. The plan had been to put some money in Joanna’s account for my shopping but I may leave her to do it (she goes to town teaching every Saturday anyway) as it is a lot easier for her. I can’t read the paying in slip and for some weird reason instead of signing my own name as the person paying in, they get me to sign hers in Chinese - hardly something that flows from the pen in a western hand!

This month aside from cheese and margarine (still none to be seen again in the supermarkets here) I am treating myself to some proper - not plastic - smoked ham and also a couple of jars of Colmans English mustard. A real ham sandwich will make a very welcome change. It’s funny how deprivation makes you crave for things, stuff you were never particularly bothered about when they were freely available. For me and off the top of my head here are a few - Branston, Picallili, pork pies, pickled onions, Shippams spreads, pate etc - when I get back I want a ploughmans and proper fish & chips with malt vinegar! In fact I could murder a chip butty right now!

I’m not happy with the little school. The bugger has given me two classes on Sunday. Fine because I haven’t been there for three weeks and I am unavailable for the subsequent two weekends anyway, but the first is 0920-1000 and the second 1400-1440. With that long a break I now have to make the decision whether to twiddle my thumbs downtown or make two trips. Roll on the Mayday break.

Friday 19th           1900

As I feared, today wasn’t too nice although in truth there were times the sun shone and if you were out of the wind it was pleasant but no way was I riding around the lake all the way to town in a force five.

I decided Joanna could take the money tomorrow but was then informed that not only did she want me to give her 60y more than my shopping cost because she wants to buy her “sister” a gift (“sister in this case probably means cousin or friend and I should add she will give me the money) but she also has another account with another bank that has a branch a hundred yards from the school south gate! Why she never told me this before is beyond me but she was sent packing at 1000 with the money to do it anyway!

Tomorrow is going to be a completely relaxing day for me - faced with working every day from Sunday to next Sunday inclusive - as next weekend we make up lessons to counter the one-day-made-into-three-days holiday for Mayday, so the plan is (or rather WAS) to just laze about. Unfortunately the students have organised their own speaking competition commencing at 1900 tomorrow and they want me to be a judge. Mystifyingly Kevin has escaped co-option to the judging panel and of course if I am available I always try to accommodate the pupils. I have naturally specified that my agreement to be a judge is conditional on the proviso I am not offered hot water, green tea or coffee but my preferred refreshment!

The animals have been fed and I have a veritable cauldron-full simmering on the hotplate containing what I hope will be a tasty beef stew. Without access to the herbs I would choose I have had to settle for Bisto, garlic and chilli flakes and considering what the beef cost (and the fact it is the first I have seen available here in 3 years) I sincerely hope it is at the very least reasonable.

Tuesday 16th April, 2013            1800

No entry for yesterday as there were only a couple of things of note. It was a perfect day weatherwise at 30C with a breeze to keep you cool. In fact it was still warm in the evening so the aircon was on all night cooling instead of heating for the first time in six months.

During the break in my early morning class I went to the loo. Nothing significant in that of course except when I was leaving I spotted what appeared to be a brightly patterned piece of cloth or paper on the floor. I stooped to investigate and found that it was one of the most beautiful moths I have ever seen, with tan, black, white and red wings. Suspecting it was dead I touched it but it moved. Knowing the probability of it finding its way out instead of being stuck in there facing certain death was zero I gently scooped it up and took it outside.

I was on the 4th floor and went to the balcony, opened my hands and waited for it to take wing. It seemed reluctant but as the quadrangle below sports grass and shrubs I knew it would be in a friendly place should it simply drop, so encouraged it to leave my palm. It started flying, erratically up and down, forwards and backward, as it negotiated the breeze. I watched as it made progress for about a minute until it got to the inside front of the block where it tried to fly through a closed window and then smiled as it finally rose higher, cleared the top and was away to freedom. I was still observing as it fluttered, with a warm feeling inside for doing a good deed, as a bird swooped from nowhere and ate it in mid-flight.

Of course I related the story to the current class and the one immediately after it (Yvonne’s) and when I left, as I had another class yesterday afternoon, I was going to leave my bag in the next classroom on the 2nd floor. No point in taking it home and then back again two hours later. I had gone about ten yards when I heard horrified shrieks from some of the girls in the last class, followed by “Steve! Steve! Come quickly!” Well, “quickly” is something I haven’t been able to be for a few years, however I did dump my bag and go to investigate. They had found another moth - this time a nice pale lime green - and were trying to rescue it as I had done with the other one. The trouble was, they had no idea how you pick one up without harming it and of course it wasn’t too keen and so fluttered about a bit. From their reactions I can only assume they believed it to be an airborne cobra. I liberated that one and am happy to say I never saw it end up as lunch.

Oh, and my free beers and games of pool were delayed as the owner was engaged marking test papers. Actually I was glad because I was all in and wouldn’t have enjoyed it much.

Today is my easy day with just one afternoon class but of course I still had to go out early with Pepsi, however I did get back into bed for another two hours on our return.

At lunchtime when it was time for her to go out again before I left, we had a first. It has only taken me a year but for the past two months I have been putting her down firstly at the top of the last flight, then progressing to two flights, or one floor. She looks a bit like a frog when she goes downstairs - most ungainly - even though she is like a heat seeking missile going up. Well today, twice, she went down the entire way without needing to be carried. Hallelujah!!

As I was in the bathroom about to leave for work, there was horrendous crashing. I actually thought we were having an earthquake and immediately looked out of my door but there was nothing happening. What in fact occurred was that little Lottie recently learnt she could jump to the top of the wardrobe along with the big boys and today managed to dislodge my suitcase stored on top with the result I assume it hit the top of the fridge and a cabinet on its journey to the floor. Nowhere is sacred and a good job I didn‘t store anything fragile in it.

Finally, this evening I discovered why many Chinese males have the odd habit of completely undoing their belt and trousers when they take a leak. As the elastic in the waistbands of the Pierre Cardin boxers my Mum bought me five or six years ago are finally starting to weaken, I bought a twin pack from the campus supermarket. There is no hole through which to get your man thing out! Ok they only cost 23y for two but I shall have to do further research to see if I can get some “normal” underwear elsewhere.

That’s it for now, I am looking forward to a dinner of bacon, eggs and tomatoes with HP sauce and some scrumptiously soft bread

Saturday 13th April, 2013           1840

And what a lovely day it was too - high of 26C but I have obviously become acclimatised because aside from the two hours I went out late afternoon with Pepsi, I had my jacket on!

I went to town again to get my medicines and then took a ride to the commercial centre supermarket for a nose around. They had bacon so I snaffled some of that but when I went to get something for the animal dinner tonight I nearly fell over - they had beef! I haven’t a clue what cut it is because it looks like nothing I have ever seen in a butchers but I bought a lump weighing a kilogramme which will be cubed and turned into a stew. It looks far too good to mince!

Sunday 14th                           2115

If I was tired before, now I am utterly drained!

You will recall Joanna asked me to go to a school a boy student of mine (Tomorrow - yes, that’s his English name, his Chinese one means that) teaches at. I duly rode to the train station, met Joanna just before 1330 and we went to the school which was about half a mile away. On arrival I was greeted by two rows of students forming a tunnel into the building and as I approached they all clapped loudly as I walked through. I must say I wasn’t expecting anything quite so effusive.

In the little school (no more than 70 pupils and about half that number present today) I was taken to the headmaster’s office and plied with beer and cigars. In fact I was showered with both all day! Late last night Joanna, in response to my enquiry as to precisely what we were going to do, gaily informed me we were to climb Qi Shan mountain! I nearly had a fit. I am too old, fat and unfit to climb bloody mountains now and anyway smoking has taken its toll - just when I climb the stairs to my flat in the mornings after taking Pepsi for a wee lately I have found myself seriously out of breath. And yes, I do need to cut down on the cigars.

Anyway, I would do anything for her, so there I was. She and the owner disappeared - I found out later they had gone to book a restaurant for dinner and she had to go to help order dishes she thought I would like - and so to kill time I went out of the office and engaged them in my picture game using the blackboard. It was a little problematic because many of the kids can’t speak any English at all but were there simply out of excitement at seeing a laowei for the first time. Sadly, in a few years when they build the new complex after our airport opens and if this place becomes a tourist destination there may be ample opportunities to see westerners.

After a while we went to the mountain. Little did I know that I used to pass it regularly en route to and from the city - it was no more than 100 yards from the entrance that I nearly met my demise on St George’s Day 2011! Now it is not a big mountain by any stretch of the imagination, if truth be told it is probably technically a very big hill. To me it was Everest. Everyone else ascended the precipitous steps like gazelles and mountain goats but the old fart in the mix had to stop for a rest and take it in three stages. Christ, if my legs still work in the morning I will be amazed.

Once up there of course the view was lovely as you can see from the pictures. It was 30C today but with a strong breeze to keep everyone cool. I rested with a can and a smoke and one of the “teachers” who is in fact still a student himself suggested to Joanna that I take a sachet of Chinese traditional medicine because my face was red. For a start my face is always red and more, it becomes redder after exertion and exposure to the sun and anyway I take alpha-blockers for that. Undeterred the chap sprinkled the powder into my beer can when I was looking the other way. If he thought I wouldn’t notice then he was very wrong - it was disgusting.

They wanted me to play games with the kids. That’s fine in a classroom with a board, but a load of primary school children on an outing? After much cajoling I ended up with eight girls (the boys were too busy trying to kill each other) and I engaged them in a few activities but it was a waste of time of course. Notwithstanding, I still enjoyed myself once I knew the only way was down! And Joanna looked lovely in blue today  - not a colour I think I have seen her wearing before. During the proceedings Qing called me after she completed all her IELTS exams in Hefei. To both my surprise and delight, having had a call this morning about how nervous she was about the oral test (I told her again to speak slowly and clearly to give herself time to think), she was rather upbeat. She has no idea if she will pass or fail but that is an awful lot better than coming out and saying no chance, I blew it. So I have my fingers crossed for her - the oral should have been ok because she was given a topic I rehearsed with her only a few days ago.

Eventually it was time to leave and for me to receive payment - dinner. Again I astounded people by knowing how to play the landlord and farmer card game so I was included in the pre-prandial activities. Dinner itself was hugely enjoyable, Joanna had ordered sweet pork along with spicy battered prawns so I never had to eat anything else such as fish or tofu stew even though I tried a bit of everything - egg and chives, cabbage and mushroom etc. what did become apparent after a short time was that they wanted to see whether I could really drink. They do cheat because they gang up on me and I have played the game on many occasions - ten of them drinking one glass to my ten but of course Chinese beer is marginally stronger than English breakfast tea.

When the time came to depart - I would have loved to have stayed but Pepsi had been confined for 8 hours by then (and bless her she held on) - having done their damnedest to get me drunk they then became overly protective. They would pay for a taxi and Tomorrow would ride my bike back. Uh, no, I need it first thing tomorrow because if my legs feel the way I think they will then there is no way I will want to walk all the way from home to class! I was then implored to send a text when I was safe, which I did fifteen minutes later.

Notwithstanding the gruelling climb, laced beer and naughty kids it was actually quite a nice day. Now they want me to perform in a classroom for them but that will have to wait for at least a month due to other commitments.

Thursday 11th April, 2013             2010

Not a lot to report today, my worst day of the week, except for what happened in the early morning class. I did my usual “Good morning!” and then “is everybody happy?”

Now I am always waiting for a “no” or two because then I can ask them why and thus get some interaction going. This morning I got loads of Nos and of course asked why.

“Because we can’t eat chicken any more” came the reply.

The reason? Because of bird flu. I asked them who on earth told them that, only to be informed it was on Chinese television. I then spent the next five minutes explaining that you can’t get it from eating chicken or from other people (one of my students went to Shanghai in the holiday and reported that everyone there is wearing face masks!) and that the people getting the illness all work or worked with live chickens for a living. I further explained that you can even eat rotten meat, which although might not taste particularly nice, is perfectly safe to eat provided it has been cooked hot enough and long enough to kill anything nasty. To reinforce this I pointed out that a couple of days ago I treated Qing and I to a roast chicken dinner and we are both still alive.

Hopefully they will stick with their original diet which is something I can’t do tonight. I was at the shops for one beer, did my shopping and ordered a chow mien to take away for my dinner. It was only when I got home after putting the bike on charge that I realised I had forgotten to collect it! Too tired to go and unplug the bike to go back I have decided to write off the 6y it cost me and have cheese and biscuits instead. Certainly the café staff will put it down to my being a Loopy Laowei but I have an excuse! A young man who graduated a while ago (you may recall this is the lad with glaucoma who expects to go blind in a few years) is back for a couple of days for some reason and he saw me. He always took the chance to chat with me if he could, he was a history major but his English is very good. My food slipped my mind after he repeatedly told me he worshipped me and his parents admired me because I enjoy life while they don’t! He now has my phone number because he wants to invite me to his hometown to meet his family. It is Tongling (where Qing’s family are) and I agreed provided he left it until after I have been back to the UK. Whether it  is a Chinese promise or not only time will tell but my instinct on this one is that he will indeed call. I will be happy to meet his parents, be treated to a special meal and stay a night in an hotel.

As the weather currently is - if not perfect - at least above 20C tomorrow when I finish at lunchtime I shall ride to town. Tomorrow is payday but I checked and we were paid today so I will go and shop and have lunch. I also need to sort out the washing machine filler hose because although it was fine the first time it now leaks everywhere so I need to take the whole thing to a plumbing supply shop and get a proper washer that fits.

Friday 12th       1915

Absolutely knackered today. Morning classes followed by a run to town. cash point and then a plumbing shop where I tried to buy the correct washer for my washing machine hose. No joy but the woman shop owner recommended (in Chinese) that I buy a completely new hose and fittings assembly. I paid 20y and now everything is fixed.

Lunch in KBW where not only did they not have any sweet pork but JinJun rejected my marriage proposal and then a whiz around Lottemart, during which I was really pleased to see tins of “tomato paste” (puree) on the shelf. I bought sufficient to last until summer because doubtless once they have gone it will go the same way as bacon and margarine and I won’t see it again for a year. Today they have Whiskas biscuits again. Too late Lottemart! I have found much cheaper and more convenient supplies thank you, and if I can do the same for the dog then you have lost yourselves a decent pet food customer.

On my return and after fixing the washing machine I went to watch the Foreign Language Dept play the Media Dept at football. Absolutely dire on the part of both teams. Sure, we won 2-0 (the first goal was a farce because it trickled between the keeper’s legs) but considering we had at least 80% of the possession and it was in their half it should have been a margin of five or more. Still, the girls got excited!

That’s me for the night now. Early bed after cooking for the four-legged ones and heating up the second chow mien I have paid for in 24 hours. I will go out a little later but only to take Pepsi to do her business. I hope I can sleep through until at least seven in the morning.

Tuesday 9th April, 2013          2030

My easy day work wise but not a good one personally. Having been under the impression Qing would be leaving Friday to stay overnight in Hefei prior to her exam, last night I was informed she would leave on Thursday. Early this evening her uncle phoned to say he would drive to pick her up, but tomorrow. I am very disappointed. I will shortly though introduce her to something else she has never had before - roast potatoes. Just as a snack (mind you, she is always eating!) because the “main meal” tonight was a bacon and cheese sandwich.

I know it is hardly haute cuisine but she had never had one of those either! I baked a fresh loaf today, reduced the flour by a fifth, guessed the amount of water and crossed my fingers I would still get lovely soft bread. I most certainly did (heavenly) but although it never hit the lid of the machine it still rose above the top of the tin. I’m not sure whether to stick with it this way or make it smaller  because to be honest there seems to be no need to bang the loaf out, all I have to do is shake the tin and it pops out anyway. I am just so happy to have finally hit on bread that is perfect even if it is so soft that just spreading sunflower margarine on it needs care not to rip the slices. A small thing to the readers of course, but certainly one of the holy grails for me in China has now been found.

Wednesday 10th      1910

Pepsi’s first birthday but no cake and candle for her!

Not a lot for me either because I am dog-tired today having stayed up far too long last night chatting with Qing. Her uncle came to collect her this morning. I was hoping to see her when I finished morning lessons at ten but when I got back she was gone. I know it sounds stupid but my home suddenly felt empty. She had in fact sent me a text to tell me but I had forgotten to turn my phone on so never saw it until after I had checked the cupboards to see if her laptop was gone, hoping she had just popped to the shops. Hopefully it won’t be long before she is back.

I have a free weekend from the kids school again this week but Sunday afternoon I am booked anyway. Someone who runs either a school or a group for children wants me to spend an afternoon there and asked one of my male students who works part time for him if he could get me to agree. The boy used his loaf because he in turn asked Joanna to ask me. He plainly knew I would never refuse her unless I absolutely had to, so yes, I am doing it!

An hour ago one of the Chinese teachers approached me while I was having a drink at the shops. He needed my help. Well that’s fine, I will help anyone, but his request was odd to say the least. This is the chap who has opened a bar - the one we played pool in a while ago. It is on the third floor but according to him it is plagued by mice. You can guess what he wants - to borrow a cat for a few days. I have agreed on the proviso that the cat is only let into the club after he closes up for the night and I have decided that if I can catch her Eeyore will be the mouser on loan. The reason being she is the one I would miss the least if she escaped and disappeared due to her erratic toilet habits. I just hope she doesn’t prove too elusive at eight when he is due to collect her otherwise Pooh (who despite his naughtiness I would miss the most) or Tigger will be the one. No way will Lottie be going after costing 700y  for an operation.

I have no idea whether any of them will actually kill a mouse as they have never seen one although presumably instinct would kick in. They certainly chase flies and anyway the mere presence of a cat usually (I believe) is enough to persuade mice to lodge elsewhere. Who knows, we may get another free evening there for the foreign teachers?!

Sunday 7th April, 2013               2030

With not having to get until 0830 this morning I didn’t go to bed until after midnight. Stupid boy. The animals decided five o’clock was enough, with Pooh doing his party trick of leaping up on the bathroom door handle and opening it. Not only did the noise wake me but of course I had to get up to close it again for fear that the cats would run amok and break things in there.

Still, just one class today and then we rode to town for lunch in KBW, put money on Joanna’s card to order my cat biscuits (methinks I will buy the dog stuff online too from now on if it is cheaper) and then pop to Lottemart. Tomorrow I am going to introduce Qing to a sort of British roast chicken (skinny partridge more like) dinner. She loves mashed spuds and although I would love to have done roasties it is not possible to do the bird and them in a mini oven simultaneously. Anyway mash is my favourite too. Carrots and peas and it will be as reasonable a facsimile as I can create but more importantly she will have gravy for the first time as well.

With her exam taking place in Hefei on Saturday she will leave here on Friday but she says she will return “soon” - whatever that means when it comes from a Chinese woman! She has though promised to be here for the weekend my Hilton friend visits. I like having her here, even if it means I am in fact working every waking minute on correcting her diction or grammar.

After we got back this afternoon she had to bus to town again because her dad, uncle and aunt were coming to give her the money to book a second exam in May should it be necessary.

Unbeknown to either of us and I have just found out, while we were shopping in Lottemart one of Kevin’s female sophomores, at around two o’clock this afternoon leapt from her 6th floor dormitory in a successful suicide bid. The reason I have so far heard? Boyfriend trouble. Unbelievable. No graduation, no more boyfriends, no husband, child, no nothing. Apparently a photo taken on a mobile phone of the body on campus covered in a sheet and surrounded by police is now on QQ (their Facebook equivalent) which I find most distasteful if true.

Monday 8th         1940

Further on the deceased girl. Nothing to do with a boyfriend. She had a history of depression. Obviously Kevin knew her, her name was Hebe, but I knew her too. Last year she would often talk to me when I was drinking near the shops. Both Kevin and I knew something was wrong with her - one day she was like a Jack in the box, the next as miserable as sin. We don’t know if she was bipolar or manic depressive but last year she disappeared for maybe 6 weeks when she was probably committed but then returned. It was almost as if she had been given a lobotomy but the fact was she was on medication. Whatever else it did (aside from obviously not working in the end) it seemed to knock all the stuffing out of her personality. Although Kevin told me (he is very cut up, understandably) she was doing very well in class lately, I noticed she was either morose all the time or in a trance and on many occasions she simply walked by me instead of as before stopping for a chat.

I am incredibly sad and of course all three classes today brought the subject up during my intro to the lessons where I invite any interesting stories. When I saw Kevin at lunchtime I mentioned we had discussed it and when I mentioned this he seemed amazed. When I asked “why?” his perfectly valid comment was that he wasn’t qualified to talk about it. Neither am I, but then who on earth really is? Shrinks? Counsellors? It’s all guesswork and had I shut the students up then in my view that would have been worse than talking about it. Far better they are open, which they appear to be with foreigners far more than native teachers, possibly because they feel (and possibly justifiably in my opinion) the Chinese teachers on the whole don’t care once they leave the classroom.

The one big question I have though, and I know if someone is determined to die then they will find a way, is why, when she had such a history, was she still billeted on the 6th floor instead of having been moved to the ground floor? My thoughts at present go out to her family, friends, classmates and roommates. This has been a sad 24 hours indeed.

Saturday 6th April, 2013                   1400

No blog yesterday for the simple reason it was thoroughly miserable and rained all day.

Today is markedly different in more ways than one. Firstly, although a little windy and a chilly 16C it is dry and sunny - and sunny inside as well since I went to the station to collect Qing! She is rather nervous about her upcoming IELTS exam next Saturday although I have said to her not to be disappointed if she fails first time because to be fair to her the test is hard enough for English majors let alone someone who has only studied it for 10 months.

Following that advice she has asked her father to book her a retest next month just in case. Hopefully though, living with me will help with listening and conversation skills and if she doesn’t make it this time she will stay on a little longer and we (or more properly I) will have to really do some work considering it costs about 1,700y for each exam.

For now though I am just happy to see her again, I have killed the fatted calf (by way of a chilli) for tonight and last night I made some cinnamon fruit bread for her. By what may be a lucky coincidence the last time I went shopping and needed flour it was raining, so instead of buying a 5kg sack I bought half that amount in a plastic bag. It is an expensive flour but I couldn’t believe it when I returned just before the bake was finished and saw it had risen so far it was trying to lift the lid! I haven’t tried it myself but she just ate two slices and pronounced it “really soft”. Hopefully the ordinary bread I am about to make for tonight will be likewise, in which case it is the only flour I will ever buy from now on. I may just have chanced upon the recipe for perfect bread.

2100

Eureka! Aside from the plain loaf tonight emulating something from the Qatermass Experiment (Qing had to push the bread machine lid down while I was out when it rose so much it actually lifted it before it even started to bake where the dough was making a bid for freedom) the end result would knock any supermarket bread into a cocked hat. Soft, fluffy and exactly what I have been trying to produce for nine months now. The trouble is, now I have perfected it, despite using less flour it is still coming out too big for the machine and as I have long since ditched the “official” recipes and put the ingredients in “by eye” I now have the task of finding how to replicate the results on a smaller scale. But by heavens, it WAS melt in your mouth stuff!

She is currently practising her speaking across the room using a CD and shortly I will take Pepsi out for her loo break. Although I don’t need to wake up until 0830 tomorrow my body clock and the animals will surely conspire together to ensure I will be roused at around six, so I will still go to bed early. Qing may stay up late studying by table lamp which I said was fine as long as she does writing instead of speaking!

As it turns out it is just as well I couldn’t reschedule all my classes tomorrow because I never got asked to the meeting Kevin (who only has afternoon classes) has to attend. Neither of us know what it concerns, simply that he has been asked to wear a suit. That bit I couldn’t do anyway as I became too fat for mine a year ago - although without checking I think I may still be able to squeeze into my evening suit. Somehow I don’t think a tux and dickie would fit the bill though.

Qing may well attend my class in the morning (I cajoled her) but she doesn’t know if she will come with me to town afterwards. I need to go in because I am down to three days supply of Whiskas and if Lottemart still haven’t any then I need to put money in Joanna’s account so she can order online. Actually I think the supermarket just shot themselves in the foot because I have found KitEKat biscuits online selling for 134y (inc delivery) for 10kg - at least 2 months worth and a lot cheaper. Goodnight for now.

Wednesday 3rd April, 2013          1800

For some reason unknown to me today was a struggle. Maybe it was knowing once it was over I have three days off.

At lunchtime Cinny sent me a message to inform me that as from Sunday (when this week we will catch up Friday’s classes) the lunch hour has been extended, rather than as before, after the Mayday holiday. Except this year instead of afternoon classes starting at 1430 instead of 1330 they are starting at 1400. Suits me, I don’t sleep at lunchtime anyway so it will mean I finish half an hour earlier than anticipated.

After I finished blogging yesterday I had even more disappointing news. I had a message from Qing to say that her mother was being kept in hospital on a drip and she had to stay with her (they do that here) and so now her ETA is Saturday. It is a shame because two days off will be wasted when I could have spent them with her.

Surprise, surprise! My afternoon class of 39 pupils shrank to 29! I certainly wasn’t expecting that the day before a holiday now was I? the problem of course for nine of them - one had the decency to inform me beforehand - is that they either forgot my rules or simply don’t care. They have all lost considerable marks at the end of term. I am not stupid, I know some will go home early and all I ask is that they tell me - preferably the truth instead of feigning a head or stomach ache. In fact if the entire class had bunked off I could have started my own holiday early!

I had ideas of popping to town this evening for dinner but as it has been far chillier than forecast and we have had unexpected light rain since about five I changed my mind. Dinner tonight will be jacket potatoes and cheese - hopefully tomorrow will be the 24C they said it would be and I will go shopping and have lunch. I live in hope and the bike is on charge.

Thursday 4th          2000

Qingming festival, which is a national day off for people to honour their ancestors by sweeping their tombs, burning spirit money, leaving food and drink etc. I of course did no such thing, instead I went to town on a lovely pleasant day, had some lunch and bought animal feed. I am getting a bit low on cat biscuits and I am not impressed that for two weeks now Lottemart has only had the dog variety. If they don’t get their act together very shortly then I will have to resort to the internet and if I do that then I may as well do it online forever. Bloody useless - still no bacon after six months, ditto sunflower spread - let alone butter. I can just see them doing that with rice!

Anyway, that’s it. My flight and hotel for the summer are booked, so this year I will actually get back to Blighty for a short break. I had to pay £20 more for my flight  because the weekend I found the cheapest option for my friend the Hilton manager is in Shanghai. I have delayed a week so I can travel up on the Saturday, stay over the weekend and then fly out on Monday evening. I did though save a tenner on the hotel so all is not bad. The timings are quite civilised with both journeys leaving in the evening and arriving mid-morning. The only bugbear is that on the return I will have an overnight stay in Guangzhou (Canton) but a decent hotel near the airport will set me back less than £20 and of course I won’t be knackered when I get to Hefei to face a four hour bus trip to here. Now all I have to do is save some spending money!

Sunday 31st March, 2013          1630

Two days on the trot it has been cold until midday then warmed up, making excess layers of clothing redundant. The trouble was, this morning I had to leave early togged up (and wished I had taken my gloves as well) and even so I didn’t feel warm on the ride. Had I taken the down jacket I would have been comfortable but sweltered later though.

One quick lesson and I went off on a mission. Tired of waiting for any movement from the school maintenance department I decided to see if I could solve my washing machine problem myself. I roamed the back streets for a few minutes (couldn’t for the life of me find the place Kevin showed me) and chanced upon a likely looking place. Absolutely no chance of communicating using speech but I got across roughly what I wanted because I was shown a tap. No, I don’t want a tap, just the thing that screws onto it. This got me shown another tap but this time it had a screw fitting on the nozzle that looked as if it would be perfect if the thread was right. Sadly they wouldn’t just sell me the fitting so I had to buy the entire assembly for the princely sum of 15y. Job hopefully done, I then went for an early lunch at KBW at 1030. Unfortunately it was too early for only half the dishes had been cooked and were on display so I had to wait ten minutes for the pork to appear. No big deal, I wasn’t in a rush.

Incredibly, Mr Halfwit from yesterday wandered in while I was waiting! I swear he simply wanders up and down all day popping into places but never eating or buying anything. God knows where he gets his money from because there is no real state benefit system here. Anyway, of course he spotted me and there was no way I was putting up with him sitting with me again so I tried Plan A which was to studiously ignore him. Plan B was to disappear upstairs once the food was available. Plan C was to get angry and D would have seen me arrested. I was hugely relieved that A worked, for he toured the place aimlessly and after a few minutes departed.

Once back at the ranch I tried the coupling. It fits. Except it leaks slightly when the water is on. There was no washer in the old one so I am disappointed but having tried a washer (not something I can just pop out for!) and finding it too thick - and in fact leaking worse than without - I have asked Kevin if he can get me a “skinny” o-ring while he is downtown. If that doesn’t work then as a trained electro-mechanical engineer I am sure he will come to the rescue! At worst, I can still use the machine but it will mean the corner by the drain in the balcony will get a bit wet. Seeing as I live in a country renowned for copying the latest technology they don’t half use some antiquated things - I have never seen plumbing connectors like it in all my years.

Tuesday 2nd April          1915

With a day as long as yesterday (ok, these days getting up at 0630 and finishing at 1700 IS long) I had no desire or time to blog last night. In fact the only sustenance all day was a cheese and onion sandwich for my dinner. I am rectifying that by having beans on toast tonight!

I had a little disappointing news yesterday when Qing phoned (mid-lesson) to tell me she wouldn’t be coming until Thursday because her mum was having an operation today. Having said that, as I am off Thursday, Friday and Saturday it is good because no matter what time she arrives I can go and pick her up - and if she comes late morning then we can go and have lunch downtown.

When I got on my bike yesterday after lunch to go and do my afternoon sessions Alice (Kevin’s version of Cinny) was running late and asked for a lift because otherwise she would be late for her class. No problem with that but she is somewhat of a motor mouth (Tina don’t you say a word!) and she spoke the entire way. It happened to come up that I had 8 lessons yesterday and I explained two lessons were because I had swapped the early Sunday morning class so they could have an extra day off and I wouldn’t have to get up so early. Oh my God, she then launched into the “have you asked the school?” bit - no - “but if they check?” - they never have all the time I’ve been here - “then you could be in trouble“. sadly I only had time to tell her she worried too much before we arrived, otherwise I would have pointed out that I would be fulfilling my obligations regardless and if anything was said I would highlight the fact that this semester I am giving 6 lessons a week  free of charge. She is so petrified of authority.

Today was my easy day with just the afternoon class. It would have been nice to sleep past 0600 but the furry ones won’t allow and so before seven I was out in the cool morning light with Pepsi. My class was really good and afterwards Kevin came to have a look at my washing machine plumbing. I have never professed to being mechanically minded, but as expected, he sorted it within ten minutes. If he ever leaves I will be lost.

Tomorrow I will be “busy” - changing the bed ready for Qing, last minute cleaning and hopefully baking her a cinnamon and raisin loaf in preparation which she loves. While I was out earlier having an ale at the shops, Joanna came for a chat. She wants a favour. Of course I would do anything for her if possible because she reciprocates. She has been asked by one of my few boy students who was asked by his “boss” another student majoring in chemistry, if I could be invited next weekend to a “spring camp” with about 30 students. This being popular lark is fine sometimes but it doesn’t half keep you busy. Of course I will do it if I can (Joanna will come as interpreter) and I have stipulated there should be beer on hand. It looks as if it will be Sunday afternoon but somehow I doubt there will be the usual free meal afterwards seeing as it is older students running classes for young kids. Pity, but I also said that if Qing is still here and wants to come (she may do simply to improve her English) then she is part of the deal. It is a pity it is not this weekend because aside from two morning lessons on Sunday I am free and Qing will definitely be here.

I am happy at the moment because my summer plan to visit the UK just received a boost. One of my brothers found me a Premier Inn for just under £400 for ten nights but I have since found a Travelodge for £265! Ok, room only (and Premier was likewise), but to save £1 a day by booking online for a  breakfast I may only fancy a couple of times and paying £70, I am going to book the room and if I want a breakfast I will pay the extra quid. Two course dinner with a beer is just under a tenner - not bad - but I think I will probably be eating either in my bother’s pub, ordering Dominos at my Mum’s or just getting a good old fashioned fish & chips!