Sunday 30th April, 2017                1440

As it was quite a warm day yesterday I opted for a simple salad. Simple in the respect that the only meat I had was luncheon meat. Now luncheon meat here is a hit and miss affair. You haven’t a clue what’s inside until you open the tin and taste it. The worst is the hideous spicy one but I was lucky to have avoided that, although what I got was somewhere between spicy and normal. It had lumps in it (presumably pork) but it was edible. 

One thing that I do like about where I am living is that within a hundred yards of the flat I can buy so many foods from the stalls. Pork and chicken are always available (without having to have them slaughtered to order either) plus all kinds of fruit and vegetables. There is a stall that does rice and pulses and spices but I can’t use it because I have no idea what is in the baskets although they may do red lentils. I must take an empty packet (bought on Taobao) and ask, I do like making carrot soup. So anyway, now that the veg stall is stocking decent spuds I could get all I needed last night. 

Then a relaxing late night being a couch potato minus the couch and off to bed. It took a while to drop off to sleep because my mind was pondering on why there was such a long hiatus on Tuesday morning between trains to the airport. I really wasn’t looking forward to 2.5 hours clicking my heels (no bar there) and it seemed very odd that the trains usually run approximately every hour and yet when I wanted one there was a two hour gap. 

When something niggles me, it keeps me awake and I very nearly got up again and turned the laptop back on to see if I had made a mistake. I didn’t, but it was the first thing on my mind this morning. 

So I checked another train site and sure enough, that one listed the “missing” train, meaning that if true, I would only have 1.5 hours wait at the airport. This would be perfect because the people will have gone to work when I go for the 131 bus and there will be less traffic on the road to the station. And of course I get longer in bed!

I emailed Alice and asked her to look up times too because the Chinese find all sorts of sites for these things whilst I am confined to three sources. Sure enough, there IS a train that is ideal for me. Then I checked the site I go to first and spotted that they are listing two different trains on the same route that are leaving and arriving at exactly the same time! Failed! Their site says if you spot any errors to please let them know and they will immediately correct it. It was four hours ago I submitted a report but nothing has changed yet. I suppose that will teach me to check more sources next time.

As you do, I checked the weather forecast for Wednesday for our trip to the dust barracks. Oh yes, can I pick ’em! Raining all day apparently. Disappointing to say the least because for the days before and after it says nice and sunny and 28C but that’s life. 

I’ve started putting the mint outside into the cage covering my study window when I get up and taking it in at sunset. I seem to have killed quite a few sprouts during the repotting operation but there are still plenty left. The trouble is, they don’t seem to be growing very fast. They move to follow the sun (even though they are in shade) so they are definitely alive but I did expect the stuff to grow much like weeds. Maybe a couple of months will make a difference. 

One thing I have noticed here is that there are quite a few “different” characters living nearby. It’s hard to tell what they are because some act quite normally while others don‘t. Anywhere else and I would say they all had Down’s Syndrome but given the proximity to Mongolia (it’s the province adjoining this one a little further north) they could in fact be Mongolian. The old couple next door to me have one living with them but with the age gap he could very well be a grandson rather than son. I often see them out and about walking or driving e-carts delivering parcels but as they don’t speak English (indeed most people here don’t) I can’t be sure. The natives up here certainly look very different to Anhui people and the difference is quite striking, especially when I remember I am still in the same country. 

If I stay here for some time I think I should really make the effort to go to Urumqi (as long as there is no major unrest) and also Ulan Baatar, the latter will give me another country to tick off the list. But if I go it won’t be in winter!

Friday 28th April, 2017                                 1930

Hardly seemed worth the effort going in just for one class this afternoon, especially since most of them had bunked off early to start their May Day holiday. What a surprise. Yep. I showed a film instead.

Even more of a surprise though was the queue of students at Peili Square waiting to take the 131 bus to the train station when I went down to get the school bus. I’ve seen queues before there but never on this scale. Must had been 200 yards long and four abreast. Even given the fact it leaves every fifteen minutes I reckon the tail-enders had well over an hour to wait even though the buses will have left rammed to the gunwales.

Even better, when I crossed the road I had to negotiate another battalion of students desperately trying to flag down taxis. God knows what it will be like now and tomorrow morning when those not playing truant want to travel. I think if I was a pupil I would probably not bother going home, far too much hassle.

I just hope I am not greeted by this sort of thing on Tuesday morning when I need the bus to the train station to get to the airport.

Saturday 29th           0050

There are few things that annoy me more than people getting it wrong and trying to lay the blame at my door and people denying there is a problem when clearly there is one, yet making out it is just me.

In the first instance it was the MNOPF pension. I got an email thanking me for the documents (phew! I wasn’t sure they would arrive, particularly as my old passport was in there) but then saying I needed to send X documents as well signed by me which I had failed to provide. Checking through the printouts I could find nothing in relation to what they wanted even in the second copy the school printed out that I had not completed, signed and returned.

There was no question that what they needed had never been sent and then they sent me the documents. Now I can use a laptop but I am not an engineer for Hewlett-Packard and I don’t work for the CIA. Send me encrypted and password protected emails all you wish but if I can’t download them and even if I can don’t offer me the option of actually using the password and there is nothing I can do!

I am happy to say they eventually sent them in a format I could access and no, I have never seen them before. So much for my being diligent in filling in my claim forms last week. Anyway, hopefully that can be solved over the weekend so Alice can post it but I will need to borrow a USB stick seeing as all mine are at school.

The second involves an international survey site. Been with them for years and about every 8 months I accumulate a £50 cheque . Not much but as you do the surveys when you have nothing else to do and considering that’s 5 days’ living expenses for me - worthwhile.

But they have updated their T&Cs and everyone needs to log on and accept. Ok, no problem. Except when I clicked the link I couldn’t log on!

Meek and mild as I am, I fired off an email saying the link provided wouldn’t allow me to log in.

I got the usual claptrap by reply and fired off more emails. The last email they sent me was they could not help as everything worked fine their end. Well it would, wouldn’t it? I said so I just have to leave? Thanks for your help.

Just had a global email saying that as people have reported problems they will be issuing a new link in due course!

Have I received an apology?

Thursday 27th April, 2017                    2235

This entry has nothing to do with Lanzhou or even China for that matter.

Readers here know a lot (or should do) about me from what I write but my younger days have not been discussed.

I am in the middle of watching a BBC series about the Scottish in Russia (mainly because I know St Petersburg and that comes in episode 2) and there is a chap called Gordon who is discussed who obviously had great influence in history.

I got to thinking that most people alive today actually have hade very little chance to influence history anywhere. Certainly people reading this are old enough to have seen WW2, a time when reputations were forged and careers made but since then there has been little for us to be able to engage in and make a huge difference or write a chapter in world history. Unless of course you happen to have been good at computers or are a barrow boy done good.

Now I reckon most, if not all, young men daydream occasionally of being a hero to at least someone. Epic battles, heroic bravery and all the elements of a rattling good Hollywood blockbuster play out in the mind just before you fall asleep of a night. Of course the reality for most is a clock card at 0800 in the morning and clock-watching until 1700 when it is time to leave and perhaps go for a pint.

Now there are people in this world who have the opinion that I am both arrogant and spoilt. The arrogant bit I understand because if I have an opinion as far as I am concerned, unless I am presented with irrefutable evidence I am wrong, then I am right. I do not think I am alone in being thus.

The spoilt bit rather rankles because I am the eldest of six brats raised entirely in council or rented accommodation. No iPads, iPods, computers, designer trainers etc for my family. We had bugger all except for good old fashioned DIY fun.

Anyway I digress.

Life in a three bedroom house with a married couple, four sons and two daughters was hardly what I would describe as “spoilt”. Even on leave from the sea I could not sit on the throne or in the bath without my dearly departed Mother knocking on the door to make sure I was still alive after three minutes. Quite how she thought I was going to drown in my morning bath when I had just circumnavigated the globe is beyond me but that was the way it was in our house. Drove me bonkers but now she has gone of course, like many before me, I wish she could knock on my shower door tomorrow morning just so I could offer a few expletives!

Anyway. In early May, 1982 Mum woke me hideously early at 0930 (I had been locked in my local pub playing cards until 0300) to tell me my boss (personnel officer) was on the phone.

Blearily I stumbled downstairs to the phone, which was situated just behind the front door in the hall.

Are ye ready to go back? He asked. Stupid question, I never refused ( and ultimately ended up being owed 6 months paid leave even after cashing in another 6 months for the money). Aye.

Ok, I have a choice for you.

Mother was in the kitchen listening to every word, there was no such thing as a private phone call in our house.

I have been with you for 9 years and never had a choice! Ok, what are my choices?
The Baron Belhaven or the Falklands.

Well this was the height of  the Falklands war and probably the only one I would ever have a chance to be part of. All those youthful heroic dreams suddenly sprang to life. I could be in a real war!

My response was instant. I’ll take the Falklands.

I swear my Mother all but collapsed in the kitchen (taught her a lesson for eavesdropping maybe but probably not) and I was then told it was a joke, our ships were no good for the Falklands. They were bulk carriers.

I was actually deflated. Would I have been terrified going to the South Atlantic? Of course I would. Did I want to go? Yes!

But no, there was no choice. It was the Baron Belhaven, where just after the war ended at anchor off Blyth, Northumberland, I ended up being a Mayday myself during a lifeboat drill and subsequently spent 6 months on the beach with everything broken and very lucky to be alive. I had my war but it was not to be fighting anyone else. The tale of that is one I may tell another day.

Thursday 27th April, 2017                              0030

My laziness knows no bounds lately. Shopping has been left until later today and dinner last night was chow mien at the noodle place nearby. I had thought of making a chicken stew but to be honest when a plate of noodles costs 10y and DIY stew/casserole three times that much (plus effort) sometimes it makes sense to let others take the strain.

I couldn’t help but notice a thread on a teachers’ site about Chizhou university. Someone (a black lady) has been offered my old job and was asking others for advice. I nearly choked when I saw that the salary being offered for a new starter is 50% higher than I got and 36% more than it was when I left. Looks as though they are getting desperate. They should have thought that one through before they got rid of Kevin and me. Now if Daniel decides he’s not staying another year (and I wouldn’t blame him as he has been the only English teacher since I left) that will leave them right in the lurch and serve them right.

I think the lady concerned is now looking at another offer in Chongqing and to be honest she would be better off going there. Being a very provincial city, Chizhou has few foreigners and they are subject to the stares and the “Hellos!!!” constantly. Even by idiotic students where you teach. I would imagine that would be amplified for someone with darker skin.

Now I have had time to reflect, Chizhou university is not a good place to work. Certainly I liked the city because I knew my way around and had my e-bike. I was comfortable on campus because I knew the score and became inured to the fiasco that was the administration department. The overriding reason for my melancholy upon being given the order of the boot was a combination I am sure of leaving behind the friends I made there and of course my students, many of whom I came to love so dearly.

Speaking of which, Joan sent me some photos to cheer me up after she told me she couldn’t accompany me this summer. What they actually did was make me miss her more! I will see her again next term probably even if it means I have to return to Chizhou although I would prefer she came here so she could see the place.

The last time I was teaching I happened to mention Peili Square and the old men that congregate there. This area is definitely God’s Waiting Room, that’s for sure. However, there will at any given time be several small tables out in the open where four men will be sat playing Lord only knows what - could be do di jou, mahjong, Chinese chess etc but you can’t SEE what they are playing. The reason for this is that there are four playing and up to ten people standing hunched over them offering advice! Were I playing I know I would be pretty annoyed but it seems the norm. It was notable though that when I was remarking on this, many of the students gave knowing smiles and nods. Oh, and if the old folk aren’t doing that they are using the fitness apparatus that’s bolted to the concrete, much like a children’s playground. Seriously, who wants to chuck their leg over a massage bar and rub it back and forth in public??

I heard Lottemart in Chizhou is closing down. I’m not sure whether that is the long term effect of RT Mart being there as well or a backlash from the THAADS that South Korea allowed the USA to instal in preparation for “terrible retribution” from Kim Jong Fatty III up in the north. To be honest, RT was much better for western produce and Lotte never followed suit. Yet another example of poor business acumen seen on a daily basis here in China.

On a different subject, I decided next term I should buy a new laptop. Something smaller and lighter but it makes me angry when the choice of WHEN is not my decision. Ok so my machine is 10 years old now but it has given good service. Bit of a pig to carry around as when I bought it I went for the biggest screen but it’s an old friend. Microsoft have stopped support for my operating system (Chrome and Vista) and although I can live with that, I find Gmail has become intolerable with countless reboots required. Today I switched to opening Gmail with Firefox instead but then Kevin told me that sometime this month support will be withdrawn for that as well!

Computer firms should be prevented from withdrawing support . There are some people who either can’t afford to or don’t want to buy a new computer every two years.

Tuesday 25th April, 2017            0006

Not posting this now, merely jotting down before I forget.

Talk about embarrassing!

Further to my chat with Alice I indeed booked my flights and our hotel. About £130 all in, money I would have liked to conserve for the summer but I am ever the optimist and of course the summer flights can be economy instead of first class.

I sent the details via email to Alice so she can check in to the hotel early and come and meet me at the airport and after a brief chat on Skype after her workout, she disappeared.

Foreign teachers in universities here are required to inform the school if they are leaving the city. A bit like Prisoner Cell Block H but as long as they never say I can’t (they haven’t in the past 7 years and there would be hell to pay if it happened) then I am fine with it because it ensures my accident/medical insurance covers me. So I sent Brenda an email advising I would be away for two days next week.

Now the problem here is email addresses. I have so many of them in my contacts that are in Chinese that I am sure you can appreciate I have no idea who they are when they send messages.

So I got an email that I thought was from Alice, who wants to check in to the hotel prior to coming to meet me at the airport. No problem with that and I replied that she had to get a smoking room on pain of death and if she could get a twin room cheaper than a double I didn’t mind.

I sent the email to my foreign affairs officer in error.

Well it is either embarrassing or reputation-enhancing. Not sure which and to be honest I don’t care. I am doing nothing wrong. It does however give me pause for thought with Chinese email addresses. I really need to try to classify them in my folder a little better, particularly when certain emails may be misconstrued if context is not known. Luckily this time it didn’t and Brenda is apparently broad minded.

1530

Well I discovered that on top of the email I sent to the wrong person I also sent a Skype message intended for Alice to Georgina in Beijing! I can’t blame the lighting in here now I fixed it, if anything it was rather bright last night so no excuse for not reading the keyboard.

It does however tell me to investigate Chinese email addresses more closely and to go slow when I am having two Skype conversations simultaneously. I certainly can’t concentrate on two things at the same time.

I was going to go shopping but have instead been researching Xi’an in respect of attractions and restaurants. Whilst I am looking forward to the trip I have pangs of guilt over spending monies which really should be kept for summer. I can mitigate that a little by not eating out or going anywhere between Xi’an and summer and cutting right back on Taobao shopping. I can still cook dishes using minimal imported ingredients.

But of course when I looked at tourist attractions I discovered there is something that would be criminal not to go and see whilst in Xi’an. I never knew the terracotta warriors were there. I mean, how can anyone visit Xi’an and NOT see the clay army??? Well that’s not going to be cheap. There’s a bus to get there which is quite cheap (according to Google 5y each way per person) but admission is 300y for two. Ooops. No, I won’t be buying souvenirs.

Then there are two dinners to consider. Quite a few Indian restaurants and I do like a curry but when I checked the maps and Trip Advisor I found an Italian well within walking distance of our hotel and a little further on, one of the highest-rated eateries in Xi’an called The Three Sisters. Not exactly what I had envisaged but I think we may go. It is a dumpling restaurant and one that people rave about. If they do dim sum I will be very pleased because I have never seen dim sum in China, only jaozi and to be honest, one jaoza is much the same as another, a little like beef noodles - seen one, seen them all. But the praise from so many westerners (that and the fact that apparently it is cheap) has made me think that will be Tuesday or Wednesday’s sustenance.

I have booked an outbound flight at lunchtime. The cheapest tickets were for the first plane in the morning which I would have taken if the bus or train could have got me there on time but they wouldn’t. So now I am going to be in a situation where I arrive either 15 minutes before takeoff or two hours before! I foresee endless fun after check-in being had outside supping jing jo and smoking like a chimney. At least the flight is short.

I have also today emailed HMRC re taxing my pension. Their website states it would be paid tax free if you live abroad but the sneaky buggers don’t mention that you have to do something otherwise they take 20% automatically. I doubt I will be collared for tax in China but if I were then I would ask to be taxed under UK rules because all my combined income would be under the personal allowance anyway.

Oh yes, and in the excitement of agreeing to the upcoming excursion I completely forgot I had arranged my final Dragon catch up class for Tuesday afternoon! That has now been cancelled  and I will rearrange it when I come back.

And just before I go, Georgina proudly informed me that she had now learnt “couch a photo”. What? You can couch words, phrases or the like but potatoes?? Thinking it might be a computer game I asked where she learnt it. From an American. I said I hoped they weren’t a teacher and she asked why. Of course, Georgina had altered “couch potato” to Georginaspeak.

Monday 24th April, 2017                      1640

For some reason I awoke before eight this morning, got up because I thought it was much later and then realised that I will either fall asleep at my desk later or go to the bedroom early. Better that and be in a routine than feel exhausted on the days I need to work.

Last night I had a feeling about the light in my study. It’s never been particularly bright and has always caused me problems when typing as I couldn’t see the keyboard properly. So I had an idea that perhaps it is supposed to have two tubes and one of them has never worked. It also has a frosted glass cover with Mickey Mouse depicted.

So I decided to investigate today. The ceilings are quite high in the flat (with the exception of the bathroom) and I can’t reach by standing on a chair, hence it isn’t something I have tried before. It wasn’t comfortable anyway because my sense of balance is not the best and hasn’t been for a long time.

This morning I moved one of the desks and climbed up. It just allowed me to reach and so I took the cover off. The “frosting” consisted mostly of a thick layer of dust! And yes, one of the tubes was burnt out. The cover received a good wash in the shower and later I went to the Cave to buy a new tube, also another small saucepan (at that price it would be silly not to) and some more pick and mix now I know which ones I like and which ones are very typically Chinese (for that, read “revolting”).

Anyway, as I was walking out of the security checkpoint I noticed a flag/banner had been put up that I hadn’t noticed before. It was commemorating the 120th anniversary of the birth of Rewi Alley. I wouldn’t blame you for not having a clue who he was, I didn’t either. However I recognised his picture because it hangs on a wall close to my office. Plainly not Chinese, I have asked students a few times who it was but all they could tell me was that he was famous. I guessed he was something to do with the school though.

So when I got back I remembered to Google him.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rewi_Alley

Absolutely fascinating. Where I am teaching was one of the schools he founded and it explains why the Peili Square BRT stop is in fact called the Bailie Square stop. I also found out that he was completely erased by Hollywood (what’s new?) in The Children of Huang Shi, a film that if you haven’t seen I heartily recommend you do. Lanzhou features in it, although little did I know when I first watched it that I would end up here! No mention is made at all of Alley taking over from George Hogg. What a fascinating life he had, certainly made his native country of Kiwi proud of him.

You know I said I wouldn’t go anywhere during this time off I have at present? Amazing how Skype can change everything. Alice just told me she is visiting a friend in Xi’an during the Labour holiday and would I like to go there? Ah well, the flights appear to be cheap at around 250y (trains cost about the same but take 10-12 hours instead of an hour in the air!). Watch this space.

Enough for today. I almost can’t wait for it to get dark so I can see how much brighter it is in here.

Sunday 23rd April, 2017                 2200

This may sound like an odd entry but bear with me and think about it.

I uprooted, left absolutely everything behind seven years ago - family, friends, pets and the vast majority of my worldly goods. I had shedloads of books I had collected over the years and chose those I needed to retain. The others I gave away. Probably £2,000 worth.

Certainly a huge wrench (and if truth be known the worst was abandoning my cats to someone else’s care) but one I cannot in all honesty say I regret although there have of course been occasions where I rued the day!

Laying in bed last night after having looked at my Dalvey voyager travelling alarm (which I bought a new battery for not long ago) and realising it was three hours slow, I got pissed off.

Nothing lasts these days, does it?

Whilst waiting to nod off I started trying to think of exactly what I had still in my possession that had attained any great age.

Ok, my birth certificate which is a tad younger than me. Then what? My seaman’s discharge book from when I was seventeen and my Nories Tables which I have clung onto for dear life. What else? Well had I not been burgled in Luton it would have been my sextant but in fact the next oldest thing is my Cartier watch commissioned for Ferrari which I won in a sales competition. Stephen Boler (check him out on Wikipedia) was proud of saying he was a friend of Enzo, hence we had the chance to win one and I did. That was in 1987.

Remove photos from the equation and that’s the sum total apart from my Grandfather’s watch. Something worth nothing and with one of those expanding metal straps that trap arm hair and which I will never ever wear. Maybe I am weird but I could not wear anything that belonged to anyone else, especially if they are dead.

So really, these days nothing lasts.

Today was a day where I never opened the door at all. Didn’t need beer or jing ko or hong jo. Thought about going out for a curry and then decided I was too lazy so had bacon, egg and mash instead. I can only hope that if I actually make retirement that I become less lazy as I have so much more to experience.

I looked at Facebook earlier and noticed posts about St George’s Day.

Memories then flooded back.

There have been three occasions in my life where despite my best intentions I have cheated death. And believe me when I say that one of my siblings actually thought I had tried committing suicide when I mentioned this in my eulogy for Mum! You don’t get to choose family sadly.

The first was an accident aboard ship in 1982 on the Longest Day and boy, was it ever! I call that my second birthday. The second time was, yes, St George’s Day six years ago. Long term readers will recall my brush with death and my stay in a Chinese hospital - one from which I have not yet and probably never will, recover.

The third was of course on Chinese New Year’s Day two years ago when I fractured both a foot and my pelvis and found myself sliding around a roundabout with cars thankfully avoiding me.

I am absolutely certain that the hammering my body has had from these and other incidents will shorten my allotted lifespan but do you know what? I don’t care. I watched Billy Connolly the other night talking about people who live healthily and live longer. He said the thing was (and he is right!) that the extra year you get for being good is not chasing skirt and having a great time, it’s in the old folk’s home getting your arse wiped by a nurse.  

Saturday 22nd April, 2017                                           1600

A glorious day today, my guess is 20C, enough so that a short sleeved shirt was ample for my little trip to the cave market before buying alcohol and fruit. Yes, I’m still eating fruit even though I’m not keen on most of it.

I originally went to the cave with three requirements. A backscratcher to take and leave in my office at work, a new small saucepan and a can-opener. First however, I stumbled across the “Woolworths Pick’n’Mix” shop and couldn’t resist buying 10y of assorted sweets, none of which I have a clue as to what they taste like.

The tin-opener proved problematic. The first shop I tried never had one but they did have a backscratcher. Not exactly what I wanted as it has a brush on one end and is a bit too bendy for my liking but for 15y it will do. I tried several other stalls and at each one I had to draw a picture of what I wanted but they all kept trying to flog me bottle openers. It became clear nobody had anything to open my tinned tomatoes but the last shop did have small saucepans so I bought one. Only cost 25y and not bad quality either. Given that I bought four large mandarins afterwards at the fruit stall for 20y I’d say the pan was a bargain.

The opener I will have to get from BHG. My old one has lost its grip. The new pan is for boiling vegetables. I already had one but tonight I am having breaded fish and chips. Shallow frying the fish in a frying pan has not thus far produced good results so I am going to attempt deep frying it. The old pan has a slightly larger aperture so that one was nominated to hold the oil. I must curb my instincts to pour the oil away tomorrow or it becomes an expensive way of cooking. I suppose I really ought to invest in a deep fat fryer then I could do the chips at the same time.  The one thing I mustn’t do is forget the saucepan is on the hob or heaven help me.

I was looking at Taobao yesterday and composing a shopping list for Molly. I haven’t ordered much for a while so I thought one order would do for this month and also May. No food, just teabags, Halls and tartare sauce but a toasted sandwich maker and a USB lead. The USB lead is double headed so finally I may be able to back up my laptop to the external drive. Kevin finally found one for me because I couldn’t. sometime after the summer I must buy another laptop, somewhat smaller and lighter and with a battery life of more than two minutes. The one I am using has to be a decade old now and whilst it has served me well, it isn’t capable of running new programmes that have replaced what I am using and I find that one by one, support for my applications is being withdrawn.

The sandwich maker? Well it’s one of those gadgets most people have got, used for a week and then never again. I had one in the UK and I have to say it was utilised on a regular basis, especially when I was pushed for time. For under a tenner I will find it most useful but it will cost me a fortune in cheese!

It is actually quite annoying to have a week off unexpectedly. I would love to have used the time to travel somewhere but what with the Shenyang Soaks arriving next month and my plans for the summer, I really need to marshal as much money as I can.

I suppose I could start to tackle the floors in here. It’s a question of enthusiasm. I don’t have any.

Friday 21st April, 2017                     1400

If there’s one thing I hate more than not getting to sleep when I am tired, it’s getting to sleep at a good time and still feeling exhausted when the alarm goes off. This was the case this morning.

But hey - I took comfort in the fact I would be finished by noon.

My two classes were actually quite enjoyable, influenced perhaps by the fact that when I asked them what they were doing next week they told me they were at kindergarten and had no lessons. There’s nothing that cheers you up so much as finding you now have an unexpected week off work! That’s me done now until next Friday afternoon and, because I only work Mondays and Fridays and Monday 1st May is Labour Day, once I have done next Friday afternoon I am then off again until the following Friday morning apart from my catch up class on Tuesday! Someone commented online yesterday that I should “get a life” (a phrase I abhor for its pure idiocy) - well, I reckon an hour and a half’s work in a fortnight and getting paid for it is pretty well up there in the “getting a life” stakes?

When I caught the bus back at noon I was one of the first aboard and was stunned when hordes of hitherto unknown faces started piling on afterwards. Who they were or what they do I haven’t a clue but what I did know was that this minibus was overloaded to the tune of four people. I was rammed up against a bulkhead and window and mulled over the idea of disembarking in protest but that would have meant getting others to get off to allow my exit and would have caused a demonstrable scene. And don’t forget, we had the lunatic driving. I stayed put and crossed everything.

The driver excelled himself. I swear he is becoming ever more determined to turn me into a statistic in the annual road fatality list. First we had a very near miss that involved sudden braking and a couple of the extra passengers tumbling from their precarious perches and then, confronted by long queues at traffic lights, he crossed double yellow lines to beat the traffic. The moment he started pulling out I saw (as indeed he surely must have) a police van turn at the junction and head in the opposite direction and in the lane we were illegally driving along. With nowhere to pull over our madman carried on as he was, doubtless hoping the police vehicle would give way to him. He didn’t. In fact he forced us to stop, pulled alongside and gave the driver a dressing down. Quite right, too.

And then at about two miles from home whilst we were travelling at breakneck speed, a bicycle shot out just in front of us. The minibus swerved and even the Chinese gasped (normally it’s only me who is terrified). I honestly thought he was going to roll the bus but thankfully not. I find myself somewhat wishing that one day he would have a collision (with nobody injured) in order that he may just learn to drive normally. Certainly near misses aren’t doing anything to moderate his lunacy.

Molly finally posted my forms off to the MNOPF this afternoon. I had given her 100y, thinking it would cost about 20y. I was staggered when she sent a message to say it had cost 226y!!! That’s £24!! For a bloody letter! I am almost certain someone at the post office just supplemented their wages because for that sort of money I posted 25kg of luggage from Chizhou to here. I can hardly blame Molly, she had never posted anything internationally before so she had no idea.

Ah well, back to my life of leisure……

Thursday 20th April, 2017                        1900

Sod it. I debated writing about this in case it caused offence but after a bottle of plonk, what the hell?

I have been having problems with regulating bowel movements for the past few months. Age maybe? Or perhaps it is a lack of access to the sort of roughage that I like. Bran flakes don’t exist here otherwise I wouldn’t have a problem.

The fact is, this term although I only work two days a week, those days start at 0500 and finish when I get home at 1800. The school only has squat loos with no doors and very low partitions so whoever is taking a pee next to you can peer over. Besides the fact I cannot physically use one of those toilets at my time of life even if modesty were not a problem, it is a case of trying to get regular. Like when I wake up, which is how it ever was,

Never used to be a problem. It’s not as if I eat unhealthily even though I eat a lot less fruit than possibly I should. But it has become a problem and one which I dread may cause me to have a crisis in the middle of a working day.

So I have been taking some pills which were prescribed to me nearly seven years ago by my GP - in half doses - as a full dose opens the dam a little too much and for too long. I have also been forcing myself to eat fruit even though I don’t want it. The idea being that I can have a movement at 0500 if necessary.

It isn’t working, my body says we will do it just after lunch. That’s fine if I am home, not so when at work.

The pills work even at half dose. One huge effect is to evacuate all the trapped wind in the intestines before the avalanche. After three days of medicating I had rather hoped this morning I could have “gone” before work, having farted like a good’un in bed last night.

T’was not to be.

No problem, just a double period and I was finished.

Everything was great and when I left school and took the number 12 bus to Five Streams Mountain I felt good. I had a seat with no foot-room sitting next to a woman who got off after a few stops and allowed me to shift over so I could stretch my legs.

As the bus continued I felt the urge to trump and duly did so, spreading my buttocks strategically so that little sound was created.

My God. The stink!!! Panic.

It was as if there was a week old corpse of a flying fox which had been rolled in untreated human sewage had been placed on the seat beside me. My only consolation was that I was the only one subjected to this olfactory affront.

Except shortly thereafter and while the miasma (which was almost visible as a shimmer) was still lingering, the bus stopped. A very elderly and very infirm old lady who was struggling to walk even with the aid of a stick got on and decided the seat next to mine was where she should be.

Panic-stricken, I tried to assist her as the bus moved off by steadying her arms so she could manoeuvre into position. No idea what she said but I can guess that in English it was probably something along the lines of “I’m not dead yet!” and so I left her alone to settle into the decidedly noxious whiff of my making.

I wasn’t sure how I would react if she were to take her stick and start beating me with it for being such a dirty little boy but I suspect my “who, me?” face would have crumbled. Even I found it to be vomit-inducing and  most reminiscent of my younger days when curries were de rigeur three nights a week. God it was vile.

But no, I sat and endured it stoically, as did Grandma. We sat in the microcosm of my making whilst everyone else was blissfully unaware. Four stops further on and Granny got off and I now wonder whether she accepted that it was all part and parcel of the general Chinese stinkiness or she went to her family and told them about the putrescent Laowei she had the misfortune to sit next to on the number 12.

Thursday 20th April, 2017               1400

On Tuesday I tackled the task of washing up and addressing the disaster zone that was my oven.

My God. When I went to remove the “crackling” which had been cremated for hours on Sunday night, instead of encountering a brick of pigskin as anticipated, my hand met with something that powdered to the touch and fell straight through the grill.

Anyone who has ever owned a mini-oven will know that the inner walls are impossible to keep clean without the aid of a Brillo pad (which rather destroys the fabric) and so I never even attempt it. Mine is now the colour of a Zulu who is overly fond of lying by the pool sipping pina coladas. The rest of it is now ok though and thankfully there is no residual smell when in use.

Wednesday was supposed to be shopping day but when I got up, for the first time since I arrived here it was raining, properly raining, brolly weather. Any excuse not to do something and I grasp at it like a drowning man at a piece of flotsam so that was my midweek. A big fat nothing but with a nice salmon fillet at the end of it.

Today of course was an early start for the catch up lesson. I have no idea of what time I finally nodded off last night/this morning but it had to be after midnight, despite the fact I was indeed tired. I hate that. Getting out of bed at five was an ordeal, only made more bearable by the knowledge I was going to be finished by ten.

It’s a good job I listen to others’ conversations on the bus to work. Admittedly 99% of them are in Chinese but very occasionally one is in English. I picked up that the sophomores are in kindergarten all this week and have no lessons. Well five of my six classes are juniors so they are unaffected but my last class of the week (tomorrow afternoon) consists of sophomores. The students had said nothing to me last Friday, and I would have expected them to have corrected me when I closed the class by saying I would see them next Friday. But no. On the number 12 bus towards Five Streams Mountain I sent a text to Janet who is currently in Nanjing on “business”.

Happy days. I can catch the noon school bus back home tomorrow!

Something someone said in a Junior class on Monday has returned to me. It was when I was trying to organise their catch up lesson for next week. They couldn’t do it at 1630 any day next week as they were at kindergarten. I am now wondering whether next week the other five classes will not be in school. I say wondering but for that, substitute “hoping”!

So anyway, at that time of the morning today, I made it back via public transport in 75 minutes and had a seat at all times. I went for a Generation Game Hotpot for lunch and did my overdue shopping. No food apart from butter, breaded fish and a small pack of plastic ham which was intended to be for a sandwich for a lunch I no longer need tomorrow. My wine girl wasn’t there but two of her colleagues helped me with my BOGOF plonk. Except when I checked out I smelt a large rat. I had expected it to be about 200y but it was 300y. I stopped the wine girl from leaving and asked her to point out the hong jo. I could have done it myself but had no chance of explaining to the checkout girl. Sure enough, she had rung up 6 bottles instead of 3. I was overcharged by just over 100y.

Of course, getting your refund is not as simple as the money coming back out of the till. Oh no, checkout girl cluttered off for lunch quite unconcerned (not her money, after all) and I was left with wine girl to spend the next 15 minutes at customer service. They insisted on giving me the cash despite my best efforts at explaining a simple voucher to use at the till next time would be acceptable. I mean, I go there every week anyway but no, cash it had to be. At least I got it. This never happens with my usual wine girl.

Ah well, at least I don’t have to cook tonight. I shall have some bread and butter (baked a loaf last night) and a large bowl from the cauldron of chicken and vegetable soup I made last night. I had to wing it on the spice front because there are many I don’t have and it tasted fine. I will say however that if I can recreate the flavour, it would make a damned fine Minestrone.

Monday 17th April, 2017                 1945

And I was doing so well yesterday. I made a roast pork dinner, roasted a couple of chicken legs to have cold for dinner with bread and butter tonight and made a doorstep cheese and onion sandwich to take to work today. It’s impossible to get a joint here, you get a lump of pig with some skin on it so what I do is, once it’s cooked, slice off the skin and fat and leave that to cook and turn into crackling.

Last night was no different. I ate dinner and settled down to watch TV in the study. Some hours later I decided it was time for bed and duly shut down the laptop. When I opened the door and went out it was dark but there was an awful stench. The crackling!!!! It had been cooking for 4 hours!!! Argghh!! Every other room in the place was filled with smoke.

I simply turned the oven off and spent about an hour trying to get to sleep in between bouts of coughing.

This afternoon 31 students turned up to class but 7 had decided to interpret the fact that we have the extra class on Thursday as meaning they didn’t have to come today. I really don’t know how much more explicit I can be when explaining what I am doing and why and then reinforcing it the class before by saying “I will see you on Monday”?

They are however determined it seems to make me appear to have lost my marbles, yet last week we all agreed I would take them at 1010 this Thursday. Today they informed me that no, it was 0800 because they have another class at 1010! I wrote contemporaneously in each of the classes the dates and times so I wouldn’t mix them up and took the paper home. It states clearly 1010 and I remember remarking that at least nobody had to get up really early. I could strangle them. So now I have an extra early “day off”. Ah well, at least I got the errant class organised as well, I will do them the day after the Labour Day holiday at 1630. Shouldn’t be too much of a hardship seeing as the Monday is a holiday.

On the bus home this evening we were about a mile from my drop off, passing the BRT stop (the crazy guy uses the bus lane, but then he IS a registered bus) when we went through at our usual breakneck speed. To be fair, I am 99% certain we had the green light but for some reason two cars, one from each side, turned directly in front of us.

I was convinced there would be a pile-up and braced with my hands against the seat in front - there are only seat belts in the very front seats. With a screech of tyres and a last second skid and slide to the left, we avoided a collision by millimetres. One day………..

Harriett sent me a text earlier asking how I was and saying that “they” had heard about the great work I was doing with the students and how it had attracted praise from her colleagues. How? None of them work on my campus! Nice to be appreciated. So it appears it is only the Party Secretary holding up my invitation to remain in situ for another year.

The doorstep? Must have been big because I have no appetite at all tonight!

Sunday 16th April, 2017              1100

On Friday lunch break I did indeed sally forth for lunch. However I made the fateful mistake of going to McDonald’s. Not that I go there a lot, the best thing to eat there is the breakfast and at other times I always leave wondering “why did I do that”?

Yesterday I woke up with an upset stomach (Big Mac-itis?) and a sore neck where presumably I had slept in an odd position. Because of this I felt listless all day and never once set foot outside. In the evening my stomach ache had abated sufficiently for me to think about eating. I had experimented with another loaf of bread, guessing with quantities and although it turned out a little doughy it was soft and certainly edible so I had a couple of soft-boiled eggs with bread and butter.

At midnight I retired and on regaining consciousness this morning, found my neck to be even more painful than yesterday. Now I am worrying that the school bus tomorrow morning will be the old one driven by the madman. If it is (and the nice, safe, bigger bus was only seen once last week) then the journey to work promises to be pure agony. Apart from the driver’s less than smooth progression in traffic, the breathtaking speeds and last minute braking the damned vehicle is hideously uncomfortable. By the time it reaches me to collect me I am invariably consigned to the fold down bench seat at the back. Every bump sees me part company with the seat and almost crack my head on the roof. No, I am not relishing the prospect.

I waited yesterday for news that war had broken out between Trump and Kim after the “momentous event” but having heard nothing I assumed the world was wrong. This morning I learnt Kim did indeed launch a missile but embarrassingly it exploded shortly after launch. Were it not so serious (given the unpredictability of  Trump, who I regard as the more dangerous of the pair) I might have guffawed. I wonder how many North Korean scientists were executed over that?

I re-potted the mint yesterday. I’m not sure if I am a born gardener and even less sure that I haven’t killed them all. Time will tell and people have said mint is indestructible. In my hands??

My papers are all completed and  ready to give to Molly tomorrow to post. Rather a complicated set of forms but I reckon I haven’t omitted anything or made any mistakes. If that is the case then in three weeks I will officially become a pensioner.

Talking of which, I was idly searching hotels for the summer (well you can only watch so many back to back, hour and three quarters episodes of Morse!) and searched for Hilton group hotels. I also like Holiday Inn here in China but I don’t have any reward points with them whereas I do with Hilton. I spotted amongst the “rates” options that there was a “senior” rate. Hmmm. I wonder? Retirement age here is 60 so just maybe in China if you are that age you can get a discount? No, it’s 65. Maybe someone should point this out to Hilton.

Of course, any travelling in the summer is subject to remaining here and we still await the Party Secretary’s pronouncement in that respect.

Thursday 13th April, 2017                                      2300

It’s one thing to go to work when you are supposed to and find your class not there. It’s quite another when you rescheduled, admittedly for your own ends (dragon boat catch up day and the Shenyang Onslaught) but also in fact doing that particular class a favour because it means they don’t have to get up early on a Saturday.

I was none too pleased to find this was the case today, especially as I had spent time Wednesday night baking bread pudding as a reward! I went to Janet’s office and asked where they were. Typically, she asked who? I sent you an email telling you which classes I have rescheduled and you informed the school bus driver when to pick me up - today at 1325, remember?

Oh, which class? Monday morning 0800.

Off she went and fair play, rounded up the majority of the students, who rather annoyingly were attempting to deny all knowledge of the lesson. Laziness sometimes has benefits and it had on this occasion. I had spent time on Monday trying to ascertain the class timetable in order not to conflict with other lessons and in so doing I had drawn the days on the board with the lesson numbers, their extra class being periods 5 & 6 today and circled to avoid confusion. I never wiped the board and there the proof sat staring out.

So when Janet confronted me with the accusation the students didn’t know, righteous indignation came into play because my alibi (which the students had not spotted) was behind my left shoulder. Aha! Do not try to make me look a fool. That’s my prerogative but when I spend ten minutes getting my message across and making arrangements, never ever try to say it never happened, especially when I wrote it down and took it home to make sure I wasn’t the one who forgot.

Cue sheepish looks all around the room.

In fairness most of the students did rush to class, many out of breath. Should I tell them the Monday before 27th May not to bother coming to class that Saturday morning? The devil in me says let the buggers get up earlier than they need to and find no teacher but of course I won’t do that. I did give them the bread pudding in the end (particularly sweet this time with plenty of demerera) and they were happy. Perhaps not so happy that I kept them 30 minutes after official end of class but then they were by then watching Ice Age. Anyway they were half an hour late arriving.

When I got home I decided I would try to bake bread so I could make sandwiches for my lunch tomorrow. I put everything in the bread machine, pressed start and oh boy. Something bad happened. The paddle had seized. With all my strength I could not shift it. All that money was going to waste and the machine would be going in the rubbish.

But wait a minute! I have the one the school gave me for being Santa! Still in the box and no idea how to use it but I could at least try and have a guess. Instruction book entirely in Chinese so of no help whatever and I couldn’t even get the bucket out to transfer ingredients. Until that is I discovered that bizarrely, instead of being a simply push in and pull out job you have to turn the bucket anticlockwise a bit to get it out. Ok I was in business.

The bread it made?

Too doughy but then it is a smaller bowl and had ingredients meant for the other defunct apparatus. What it produced I can’t use but I just maybe if I get quantities right this one can turn out bread I might like. Time will tell.

If I post this quickly I may just get five and a half hours sleep before a long day tomorrow teaching. With luck I will have enough energy at lunchtime to go and eat so as to save needing dinner.

Wednesday 12th April, 2017                     1630

Usual stuff mostly so far this week although I have been having fun and games getting my pension forms printed out. It wouldn’t have been a problem were I to invest 500y on a printer but every time I put the Adobe file on a USB stick, whichever computer elsewhere tried to open it - couldn’t.

The secretary at school was unable to help either until this morning when I sent her the link to the files and the password to unlock it. Bingo. The papers are sitting on my office desk awaiting me. The problem of original passport being required has also been resolved, they will accept my old, expired one. Luckily I retained it!

I made yesterday my cigar run day. I toyed with the idea of having an early dinner in town but as I wasn’t hungry I passed up on it. Instead I had real comfort food and something I could eat quite a bit of. Bacon, eggs and mash with lashings of HP sauce! I used to often make corned beef hash at home in England, top it with eggs, cut them up so the yolk went into the potato and then pour liberal helpings of HP on top. Sometimes the simple foods in life can be better than steak or lobster. Sadly corned beef is only available online here, mind you that’s a thought for Shanghai in the summer. I must remember to see if the City Store has it.

Today had to be shopping day seeing as I am working tomorrow afternoon. I started making bread pudding so I could reward the secretary for her efforts, only to find that she has asked for tomorrow and Friday off. Damn. I am sure there will be takers though and I will get a student to take a piece to the party secretary - it may just jog his memory and prod him into sanctioning the foreign affairs department to proceed with offering me another year of gainful employment.

For the first time in Lanzhou I am making a batch of Bolognese. Well I say the first time but I did make it before, you may recall I used the salt with far too much abandon. I have been careful this time. And a small taste just told me that a spoonful of Bisto just before the end will make the pork taste like beef. Can’t wait!

On Monday lunchtime, having gone on a fruitless search during my lunch break for a big flowerpot, apart from having a sausage and patty burger for my lunch, I returned wearier and no nearer to giving my mint some space to breathe. When the school bus left I observed to see how far it was to the junction where I knew I had seen a flower shop. A bit of a trek but I think my legs will take me there and back on Friday lunchtime. I must remember to look tomorrow to see if there is anywhere to eat nearby there in case I get peckish. I won’t want to prepare anything tomorrow night and my bread of late has been pitiful. I really wish I could find the flour I used in Chizhou but I can’t even find it on Taobao. I like a decent sandwich or even a French stick.

When I had finished shopping and everything I had to do outside I noticed my place suddenly go dark. For the first time here I heard thunder. Now a thunderstorm must be a rare occurrence here and as I stood preparing ingredients in my kitchen I awaited the downpour, thankful that I had no need to go out.

Nothing happened! Not even the tiniest drop of water descended from the skies!

Maybe it piddled all over the mountains but it never made it here.

Now I must tell you about Alice. We had a 45 minute Skype conversation last night because she wanted to impart some good news to me. Sadly it didn’t involve me becoming richer materially but it did spiritually.

She took some exams to see if she can study for her Masters in Guangzhou, one written and an oral interview. She came third out of all entrants in the written exam (no mean feat in itself) but they were so impressed by her oral English that they declared her number one overall!

For that achievement she was awarded a 10,000y scholarship. I jokingly told her it was because she had spent time with me in spring festival. Her reply was that was exactly how she improved and she wanted to thank me for it.

I pooh-poohed it last night but then today I thought back. It’s not the first time someone has stayed with me a while and their level of English has improved markedly. There was Qing who upped her IELTS score enough to be able to study in Sydney (even though she ultimately never went) and half a dozen others I did the same for during summers in Chizhou. And I was also Alice’s teacher, unless I am horribly mistaken she was in Joanna’s class. So yes, I will accept that pat on the back. It’s a nice feeling.

Sunday 9th April, 2017                              1200

On Friday I had a rare visit from Janet in my office. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t teach on the days I do and I only ever see her when she has a deadline to meet for some paperwork.

She came to discuss my wanting the dragon boat Saturday off and quite blithely suggested she could go to the dean and request a day’s leave for me. I was against this of course, I have more than a month in which to “pre“-catch up the lessons and I shall do so. With a smile she commented that with the class schedules I may well find myself having to come to school on three separate occasions. So be it and I shall find out tomorrow when I ask to see each of the timetables and arrange dates. Hopefully I can get them out of the way well before the holiday and who knows, it might please the students, who will have one less class on a Saturday. And it will be quite pleasant to only have to work for an hour and a half each time.

Last night I decided to go out for dinner and combine it with yet another shopping trip. I don’t know why but I had an urge to have another Generation Game Hotpot. The first time I went was mid-afternoon when it was quiet but last night it was packed. So much so in fact that shortly after I arrived newcomers were forced to stand and wait for available places. Unfortunately I had the bad luck to have Mr & Mrs Peasant plonk themselves next to me. They only spoke in one volume (loud enough to be heard in Beijing) and the bloke in particular was most uncultured. Swiftly he littered the floor with used napkins and dropped morsels and his eating of corn on the cob resembled a scatter bomb exploding. I found myself wishing there were partitions because at any moment I felt in danger of being peppered with food particles. However the food was enjoyable because now I know which items are good and which to avoid. The big prawns are a draw and the only disappointment was a lack of the dark brown liquid filled meatballs that caught me out the first time when one exploded as I bit it.

After shopping it was straight home for what I thought would be a quiet and uneventful Saturday night. How wrong can I be and so often???

Scrolling through Facebook I spotted my sister had posted “Gotta be one for Arthur!”

Now I was oblivious to the fact that the Grand National was taking place, let alone the runners and riders so once I realised what she was talking about, I checked. Sure enough, One For Arthur was a runner. Now nags and I don’t do very well at all. I once went on a lads outing for a day at Stratford races, opted to back every horse tipped by the Telegraph’s pundit and singularly failed to even get a place.

Whenever I was home on leave my Mother always got me to go down to the bookies to place the entire family’s bets. I am probably the only punter in the world who never backed Red Rum once. My only success was with Ben Nevis in 1980 when I won £500 with odds of 40-1 (Mum was aghast at my selection). My picks have always been because of the names and Nevis was my nickname for the Chief Steward on the ship I had just left.

Well, Mum bagged the winner last year by backing her and Dad’s song. Arthur was my Dad’s name (and also my middle name). Mum’s gone now but I felt her in the room last night I swear. I sent a message to baby sis and asked her to stick £25 each way on it for me. It was only this morning that I realised the runner number was 22 which was always one of my lottery numbers when in the UK. Had I known that last night the bet would have been a lot higher.

I couldn’t get the race on TV so listened on radio. I never even heard the damned thing mentioned until near the end just after sis sent me a message declaring it was in the lead. Seconds later I was £420 richer! Whoopee! The summer holiday war chest just got bigger!

Of course I had to celebrate and as a result all thoughts of going to sleep at a sensible time evaporated. I suspect I may suffer tomorrow. The toad in the hole I thought I’d cook tonight? Nah. I think I shall eat out again!  

Thursday 6th April, 2017                        1130

Sure enough, the tents were gone by the time I left home yesterday afternoon to go shopping. I elected to have lunch prior to shopping, that way I wouldn’t need dinner. Anyway, I had to find somewhere to buy a new belt, my trusty five year-old 300y one was in danger of snapping. That would have been embarrassing, Chinese trousers won’t stay up on me without being strangled excessively tightly, which is also the reason my belts don’t normally last that long.

I bought a belt for 220y up a side street and from the place I bought my shoes not so long ago. The ones in stock were either too short or far too long so I ended up getting additional holes punched and now have a rather long “tail”!

Then I started to walk to Dico’s for a crispy chicken curry by taking a shortcut through the alleys but stopped to peer in at a food place en route. I changed my mind and decided to eat there instead. It was a hotpot place but one where you sit there and various items come around on a conveyor belt a la Generation Game. You have your own individual hob and pot of water and spices and basically take whatever you want as it passes you by. You pay at the end when they count the number of sticks you leave, much as they used to in Singapore with the satay sticks. Some of the stuff was actually quite nice and I ate a fair amount by my standards, which including a pijou set me back 60y. I may well go there again another shopping day.

When I went shopping I never bought any food whatsoever. I can buy pork and chicken near home anyway but then when I got back I remembered I wanted to have a spit roast chicken! Argghh! I found one around the corner and unless it suffered from jaundice it was corn-fed and a decent size, bigger than the ones in BHG. Frozen of course, I didn’t have the heart to have one of the live ones killed and plucked in front of me. Funny that, I have picked live lobsters out in the past.

If my Mother has been watching from above these past few days she will have been laughing her head off at the hassle I have been subjected to. Having been named as one of the executors of her will (I assume she did this before I moved here), her insurance company would only release the cheque if it was made payable to an executor - me. My sister deposited it into my UK account and I thought it should clear in three days. That should have been Monday and so I went online to check.

To my horror the funds were showing as having left my account!

Now I know that I have not divulged any of my security details to anyone and my password is a very long and complicated one but nothing is 100% foolproof. I immediately called the bank, only to be told it would take another two days to clear while they carried out additional money-laundering checks. When it’s an insurance company? And why could they not put a note on my account to tell me that instead of giving me palpitations?

So yes, the funds cleared late last night and I didn’t want to try to pay a rather sizeable amount at that time as the lighting in my study isn’t that good (plus of course there‘s the hong jo and jing jo effect to take into account), so this morning it was to be.

I say “was” because I entered everything correctly and, because the undertakers are a new beneficiary for me, I needed to use my card reader to verify the transaction. Finally, after nine years loyal service, the sodding battery has conked out and short of dismantling the contraption and fiddling with tiny screws to see if I can get a replacement battery I could progress no further.

I shall now have to do it over the telephone but I can’t do that until they open at 1300 my time. Some people seem to sail through life with the greatest of ease but oh no, not me! Thank God for Skype.

Tuesday 4th April, 2017    (Qing Ming)                          1600

After yesterday’s drama I am delighted to report nothing untoward has so far occurred today. That could all change though when I go out later and set fire to the spirit money!

I was going to do my food shopping today but then realised the supermarket would be crammed, what with it being a national holiday. I decided to leave it until tomorrow. The spit roast chicken salad I was going to have today will wait and instead I shall have bacon, egg and chips. A man has to eat healthily, after all.

So earlier I went out armed with my electronic translator to the jing jo shop. The two blue workmen tents are still there and as I was not in so much of a funk as last night, I took a better look. The tents are side by side and the one closest to the building is the shrine. People were sitting in there (nobody wailing this time) with white cloth draped over themselves and tied around their foreheads. White is the colour for funerals here. It was nice to see people actually observing the custom, after all that’s what the holiday is for. In the other tent there was booze, baozi steamed buns and outside the men were sat around tables gambling on card games. And what a lovely day they have for it too, markedly warmer than yesterday at 17C. I expect they will be gone tomorrow - the tents I mean.

Then I went to the shop and showed my translation of what transpired last night. The wife seemed to find it mildly amusing and duly called her husband, I assumed to ask how much she should charge for the crowbar. She indicated I should wait and it dawned on me that Hubby was down near Peili Square about a hundred yards away, where during some days he sits and cobbles. I don’t think I have ever had a pair of shoes repaired (even in the heady days when I could afford Grensons and Barkers) and have always simply bought a new pair. I wonder if he can tailor-make a pair? Now there’s a thought.

Anyway, when he eventually came to the shop and the wife explained, he wanted nothing for the crowbar. I admit to being embarrassed. I am pretty sure I am their best customer (400y a week is not chickenfeed) but even so………. I shall have to find something suitable for a gift for them.

Last week I went to buy an apple corer. I now make apple pies a fair bit but have been wasting good flesh by simply cutting bits off so I thought it was a good idea. Naturally I was looking for something similar to what Mum had, looks like a fat pen and with red or orange string wrapped around the handle for better grip. I am clearly out of touch, as you can see from the photo of what I ended up with!

Also, here is a photo of the mint babies, which very soon will really need a bigger pot so they can thicken and not choke each other. I really think I should have only sown a portion of the seeds instead of slinging the entire packet in. Ah well, live and learn eh?

Monday 3rd April, 2017                        1815

Christ.

My lazy day took a very different turn about an hour ago.

I was sitting watching a film when I espied a bag lady fishing cardboard out of the bins outside. With a half case of empty wine bottles waiting to be dumped, I thought I would do the old girl a favour and give her another box. Little did I know what a mistake I was about to make.

The lady was grateful for the additional cardboard (God knows how much she has to collect to earn a couple of bob each day) and I went back indoors.

At least I TRIED to. My new lock on the door that I didn’t think I had to lock when popping out to the bins? Well actually I don’t, it locks its-bloody-self!

So there I was, keys inside, phone inside and wearing only a shirt in the chill early evening with light rain starting and unable to get inside. No means of contacting help because I had no phone, the oven was on, reheating pre-prepared macaroni cheese and not a soul around here speaks English.

To say that I panicked would be an overstatement but I will say that various emotions started to run amok in my brain. I had visions of my macaroni eventually bursting into flame and the entire block being set alight whilst I tried to make someone understand I needed an emergency locksmith on the Qing Ming holiday. I was in a tight spot for sure.

I needed something like a sturdy screwdriver to lever my office window open. I was quite prepared to pay for any damage I caused to the latch but nobody could help. I went to the jing jo shop but she didn’t understand what I was saying. Eventually though, and to my great relief, she produced a crowbar. Saved!

Well it wasn’t quite that simple. All the ground floor flats have rather robust cages bolted to the wall outside every window to prevent burglary so trying to get leverage was problematic. Whilst I was in the process of struggling with not being able to get enough angle to pop the latch, a chap happened along and quite rightly wondered if I was trying to break in. Well I was, except I live here. Between the pair of us we managed to get the window open and the keys were sitting there as large as life on my desk. About four feet from the metal cage outside.

Twigs torn from a tree were too springy but I spotted a chap with a decent stick and we called him over so we could borrow it. It was no use. The first fellow disappeared and from where I know not, found a length of rusty old wire which he was able to wrap around the stick and fashion a hook out of the rest. Chap number two was quite tall and had long arms so he took on the task of fishing out the keys. Success!!! Talk about relief!

Ok so now I could get in, put on a jacket and go to the jing jo shop to return the crowbar and buy my usual supplies. I propped the bar against the wall by my door, put on my jacket and went out.

In the space of ten seconds some bastard had nicked the crowbar! I am convinced it was the old man who has the janitor’s cupboard outside my flat in the hall because he was in there farting about and it is tempting to bust his padlock and search in there but I won’t.

So then I had to try to explain to the jing jo shop that the crowbar had been stolen and that I would pay for them to buy a new one. After all, I got away without any damage to the window because the latch proved to be completely ineffective (thank God for the cages) so it is a small price to pay given the alternatives. I failed completely to explain to the woman so she is now convinced I am completely off my rocker. I shall return tomorrow and take my electronic translator with me. How much can a crowbar cost in China? Even if it is 100y I am simply happy to be out of that mess.

It does however make me minded to try and find a safe and secure place to hide a spare key to guard against any recurrence.

As an aside, just around the corner en route to the jing jo shop two tents have been erected. They look like workmen’s tents, the sort they put up when they are working in the sewers. Except they are clearly something to do with Qing Ming (Tomb Sweeping Festival, during which they pay their respects to their ancestors) because in one of the tents there was a dinner party going (they had gas burners and cookers) and in the other it looked as though a shrine had been set up. To add to the occasion a couple of women were wailing and sobbing like good’uns - so much so that before I could see what was actually going on I thought something awful had happened.

But no, all the drama was mine!

April Fool’s. 2017                                  1840

Way past the deadline of noon for any spoofs.

Do you know, all the time I have been here, whenever I have had to catch the early morning school bus there has been a  large group of teachers who get on a much bigger bus. In fact my first morning of teaching here I almost got on it in error but luckily spotted the number plate didn’t end in a 5

Well yesterday morning I was talking to a slightly built chap who always turns up with a teachers bag and speaks a little English to boot. When I asked which university they taught at (they are all reasonably well dressed) he looked highly confused. It turns out they all work at an electrical motor manufacturing plant! That would have been VERY interesting had I actually taken their bus that first day!

Having had no confirmation or denial from Janet up until yesterday afternoon I asked my final class of the day if they had classes today to make up for having next Monday off. They did. That meant another full day of classes hot on the heels of Friday. I can’t say I was pleased because getting home at 1830 and needing to go to bed by nine hardly gives much time to cook a dinner and relax a bit. In the event I crashed at ten and when I turned my phone on this morning, Janet had sent me a message at 2230 last night warning me of the Saturday working. Had I been a newcomer to China I would never have known about catch up days and if I was less than conscientious I could have avoided finding out myself and simply slept until I woke up, which is the routine on Saturday.

Personally I see no point in making up the lessons. The students don’t want to be there and of course my classes are not part of their degree so they have little inclination to attend at the best of times. Needless to say about a third had either “caught a cold” or in some cases were honest with me and simply said they wanted to go home for the holiday early. I sat through three screenings of Evan Almighty.

Well there’s no point having a proper lesson with loads missing, is there??

Needless to say I feel somewhat lethargic now although I did get a spare key cut on the way home. Bloody expensive at 40y but it is a relatively complex pattern. Whilst at the little kiosk getting it done I leant over the railings looking down at the steps to the basement market when what sounded like an alarm on a kid’s toy police car or fire engine sounded. This was immediately followed by a mass exodus of shoppers so as far as I could make out they had a fire alarm down there.

After the jing jo shop I spotted a roadside trolley manned by a woman flogging Qing Ming accoutrements. I took the opportunity of buying some spirit money to burn on Tuesday and no sooner had I paid than the police turned up and busted her, presumably for trading without a licence. Still, I have 10,000y in spirit money to send to the heavens.

I have no energy to cook properly or go out for dinner so tonight it will be cheese and home made ham quesadillas. Nice and easy!