Thursday 28^th February, 2019 1730

As first days back at work go, I've had considerably better.

The school bus picked me up a few minutes early and very nicely got me there by 1400. that gave me half an hour to get my stuff together, make a coffee and have a smoke. I wasn't feeling too hot, in fact hadn't all week. I still don't but it seems to be improving slowly. I was beginning to think fruit and laxatives were ineffective and that perhaps something more serious was wrong. Maybe tomorrow I will be back to my normal self, for tonight I am having a roast dinner, the first proper food I hope to stomach in over a week.

Anyway, the first setback came when I put my key in the office security lock and then had to check I was indeed trying to enter 404. The locks had been changed. Worse, anybody who might have helped would not be returning until 1430 or even later.

Annoyed, I sent Janet a text then sat in an empty classroom twiddling my thumbs. Well, that's not entirely true, I did smoke a cigar and spitefully flicked the ash all over the floor. Of course, help never arrived before the bell so I had to start without a vital piece of equipment: my Puzzlers Lists. This week sees all new students and none have an English name. I pass the book out so they can choose their names. Nothing major, but hugely irritating.

Then I had a sense of dejà vu. It was my very first lesson all over again. Somehow the students had a book which was not of my stipulation. Never threw me much the first time, so hardly likely to now, especially when the book is not referred to the first week anyway. They had time to buy me a copy .

Fifteen minutes in and my new key was delivered and I could go and get the book. So far so good. During the break my copy of the course book mysteriously appeared. Cooking with gas now!

The lesson ended and I had a twenty minute gap before the second class, the one that ensures I have to take public transport or a taxi to get home. Starting said class, it was immediately clear the previous lot had taken both my Lists and the attendance book! Thirty minutes later a rather sheepish monitor returned with them. Not feeling so well, I couldn't wait for the end. Nothing further could surely go wrong?

End it did and I walked out to the bus stop. There was one seat left for the infirm, parent and baby or old farts and I gratefully occupied it. Now, getting the bus to school, I take the 15 to the terminus, walk to Five Streams mountain and then the 12 to campus. Taking it from school, I take the 12 but normally disembark early at the main train station, thus avoiding the walk from Five Streams to where the 15 finishes. I'm lazy.

Well, I can never tell when we are near the station because I don't take the bus home that often. I did though think I recognised the automated bus announcement which says something like “Lanzhou Jerjian”. When we got to the stop I couldn't see the station so remained seated. Half a mile on we passed the station. They have relocated the stop due to building works. I started to fume again but rapidly realised I was better off going to Five Streams – the walk was going to be shorter. That was the best thing to happen all day.

Having eaten nothing for two days (Alice had come for her dinner on Tuesday of sausage rolls, mash and beans but I, despite cooking for two, couldn't face it) I had to get something inside me so settled for some cheese and wine. As aforesaid, I am attempting something more substantial in a while.

Earlier today I had a relayed message from Brenda via Eli that other foreigners are not allowed to stay in our apartments and to be wary of the scams that are prevalent at the moment. The latter is patently fluff because unless I suddenly learnt Chinese then I am immune to their texts and calls. No, it was all about foreign guests. I haven't had any, nor I think have Eli or Annie. That leaves Nordine, who did have his girlfriend staying for ages and who I now assume has left. It smacks to me of the typical pettiness sometimes meted out by school officials all over China. It has now been consigned to the “ignore” file.

Ah well, let's hope tomorrow fares better!

Sunday, 24^th February, 2019 1315

Don't talk to me about rugby. I hate it. With the English chariot last seen atop a recovery vehicle heading east on the M4 and the sound of daffodils singing and leeks crowing audible even here, the Grand Slam, Triple Crown and more importantly both my bets, were consigned to the folder titled “What were you thinking?”

Connectivity problems have returned to plague me, in particular yesterday, thus relegating me to watch disaster unfold in the small hours by sitting glued to live text updates from the BBC.

I made another trip to Metro on Friday armed with my Taobao shopping list. With few customers I was able to browse thoroughly what was on offer and to my annoyance was only able to cross one item off the list (self raising flour) and I was singularly unable to find anyone with any English to advise whether I could buy six cans of tonic water rather than a case of twenty-four. Well, I'm hardly going to lug that in one hand and a bag full of food in the other, am I?

Yesterday Mrs Jing Jo solicitously enquired as to whether I needed any more cigars! Stunned, I wrote 2,600 on an empty fag packet lying on the counter and with a bemused expression conveyed to her that I still had a few left in stock. If I am staying here another year then I may well request a few come June but for now my cheroot cathedral is still blocking incoming daylight to my study.

The influx of students is in full swing as of yesterday (hopefully they will turn the internet speed up again to accommodate) and so when I return from BHG tomorrow I expect once again to have my taxi prevented from entering the grounds, happens every term. It seems rather unfair on the students who are forced to haul heavy bags all the way to their dormitories while those who arrive in their parents' cars are allowed to pass security with impunity. Thankfully, being a foreigner helps, as does my practise of always hailing the guards whenever I walk past their station.

Tuesday 19^th February, 2019 1605

Nine days until I get back in harness.

I know it has been a week since the last entry but little has happened, it has been (for me) a normal winter holiday time.

I've been The Good Samaritan twice, once for Alice in Guangzhou, penning her an invitation letter her new beau can use to hopefully assist her in getting an Aussie visa for the summer holidays. I hope it works so she can visit Brisbane and also if it does she will realise the stupidity of ignoring my instructions last year – she may well have been able to visit the UK had she paid heed. But they often find out too late in the day that perhaps sometimes I know what I am doing!

I also sent an email to assist Jody (she is currently in Auckland) after she complained to me that the kids' adventure firm in England/Wales had not responded to her email or phone call. I sent it on a Saturday and when they opened on Monday we both received a reply. It must be the wording......

The other night I decided to make a giant toad in the hole. I had my reservations because the pork breakfast sausages I bought in Metro hadn't tasted that nice when I cooked theose “ovenm with eggs and th” chips. I'm also going to dump a huge sack of those chips, they are not oven chips and they are awful. 

Anyway, as you can see, the toad came out fine and I filled it with gravy. The sausages were still vile so my dinner ended up being Yorkshire pudding and Bisto! I now need to buy bangers from Jinkou, theirs are actually edible.

I also two nights ago decided to bake a madeira cake. I quite like a slice with a glass or port or plonk instead of/as dessert. I used a different recipe from allrecipes.com and I must recommend it to tower block developers in China for use in the foundations. Should have stuck to BBC Good Food.

Talking of the BBC, finally I have connection restored. I have different DNS settings now and I am not sure everything is encrypted but it does allow me to stream , so fingers crossed, I can watch the 6 Nations this weekend. Having placed nearly a month's naval pension on England doing the Grand Slam and winning the Triple Crown, I have a keen interest now! I am not really a gambler but occasionally I have the odd flutter, normally biennially. If they come through though then this year it might be biannual, what with the world cup approaching.

Speaking of pensions, I have passed away (crossed the bar to my naval friends). I became suspicious on Friday when the monthly payment from the Merchant Navy Officers Pension Fund never arrived. I left it until yesterday and when it still hadn't shown I telephoned. I haven't completed the annual “signs of life” form they sent to me in October. I would have had it arrived.

Today on the off-chance they were open, after all students are already arriving back, I went to the mailroom but that's still not open and anyway a couple of days before they shut up shop in late December I had checked and there was nothing for me, not even The Cadet magazine (as usual).

So I got thinking and remembered I had this problem last year. Even better, I recalled that although previously they had used the correct address for other correspondence (and things took the usual six weeks to arrive) they had one letter wrong in the address they sent the forms to, which I pointed out at the time. It may sound unbelievable but one single letter out in an address to China means whatever you send will in all likelihood end its days in a dusty corner. Lanzho instead of Lanzhou and forget it.

I have now emailed them asking to be listed permanently for being emailed whatever they need so that I can fax back. As most organisations here (incredibly) still run on XP I have asked for a simple format!

Oh, last night I made “burger dogs”. Were hot dog buns available I am sure I would have loved them, the Frankurt sausages I got from Metro would be perfect. Sadly the ancient Chinese art of producing stale bread straight from the oven meant they fell apart. I suppose now in Metro I have found my Goldfish brand of flour I might be able to make decent bread and hence, have a crack at hot dog rolls.

Nothing much should happen between now and work.

Tuesday 12^th February, 2019 1645

I actually woke early this morning having retired early last night. The planned Metro trip was for mid-morning but after my UK connection failed I started watching “Criminal Justice” on YouTube. All five one-hour episodes!

So I left home at 1500.

Today being (I assume) a normal day for those with normal jobs (ie not in education) traffic was light and to my relief there was no problem obtaining a trolley and I had all the time in the world to investigate the Metro.

Whilst I consider it a great leap forward (to pinch words from Mao) for Lanzhou, it is but halfway to paradise. Plenty of things they either don't have or I couldn't see, such as Bisto, Oxo, vanilla essence and parmesan (although there was fresh available but have you ever tried grating parmesan? You need biceps like thighs!) but I bought other things not on the list.

Pork breakfast sausages, frankfurters, what I hope are oven chips (soon find out), spring rolls, my “goldfish” flour that worked so well in the bread machine in Chizhou (annoyingly the smallest bag was 5kg) and a few other bits and bobs. Sadly no tonic water because you have to buy a whole case. Nothing against that, the problem was I already had about 20kgs to carry. I am not 32 any more. Guess where Alice will be coming with me when she comes back?!

Plenty of other things I never bought but wanted to but am constrained by the limited freezer space I have. One huge item was part-baked baguettes! If I only knew if I was staying here for the next three years I would buy a chest freezer tomorrow, they only cost about 1,000¥. Metro is definitely a monthly visit from now until I leave Lanzhou – proper steaks, any spice you want (I bought a big tub of ground ginger), tortillas, all manner of items that enticed me and with enough storage I could have spent a month's salary. But I didn't!

Now though, if I don't want to cook I can host a meal simply by bunging things in the oven.

One thing I did notice though, both in the taxi and in-store was my eyesight. I have in the past worn bifocals but ultimately decided I didn't really need them. Today I could hardly focus (hence maybe I missed some items I wanted). I am rather hoping the reason is because most of the day during the holiday I am sat in front of a screen. If I ultimately do need spectacles in China I am fearful.

You know the optician's chart with letters ever-decreasing in size? Well not here. They decrease in size but they are all Es – facing north, south, west and east. And I recall Kevin ordering bifocals in Chizhou and being presented with a pair of glasses with the lenses perfectly split in half with a straight line across halfway and two disparate lenses used so there was no transition, either distance or reading, instantly.

I am convinced I have “holiday eyes

Monday 11^th February, 2019 1700

Friday's meal was well received, unbelievably Jody thought I actually made the the fish fingers! And no, I never lie about my cooking, if it was bought I say so, hell, I make enough of my own food to more than impress the natives.

The chip maker needs to be replaced, where the pans parted company one evening and one dropped to the floor, ever since it hasn't closed properly, resulting in a higher temperature than wanted and burnt chips. Mind you, I am sure I saw oven chips in Metro!

My weekend was solitary, with little in the way of culinary delights seeing as 95% of the local stalls seem to be holidaying and the only thing I can get is fruit at the moment. They never closed the last two years.

I did I think get to the bottom of The Missing Pigs though. Despite half the world's porcine population being in the hands of Chinese farmers, the Chinese view pigs as stupid and lazy. Quite why that should preclude a display is beyond me. That's one reason given and the second one is what I suspected – the Muslim community. That one makes me angry. Not because I begrudge them their religion but because, rare for China, it looks as if they have bent for a religion not their own. Goodness only knows how many mosques there are in the city (I pass three just en route to east campus, including a big one) yet from what I can glean there is only one church in the city. Not that I need one, you understand.

At lunchtime I had another two hours with Colt, who patently did bugger all of the homework I gave him when he was home at new year and I wonder just how badly he wants to study abroad. He has ten days until his retake and I have the awful feeling he will be the first person I fail to get to improve their marks. You can lead a horse etc.......

I decided when we finished at 1500 to go to BHG for my weekly essentials and I walked! It was only one and a bit stops on the BRT but it is the furthest I have perambulated for a long time. No hip complaints, just leg muscles, so I suppose that's a good sign. Since I bought the new trainers the cracked heels have shown marked improvement, I reckon I need to buy new ones twice a year. Funny how it only happens in winter though!

Anyway, I never bought much, just a box of plonk, some “popcorn prawns” (no idea how to cook them but I am hoping in the oven is fine), some cod fillets (very expensive), milk and spuds. We are in the transition here regarding Murphys, they are half dreadful and half decent. Four potatoes involved me spending five minutes inspecting the pile and finding ones that were not indelibly scarred. When I think of how easy it is to buy King Edwards, new potatoes, whites etc in the UK it makes me want to weep!

So now that's done, the way is clear for another expedition to Metro tomorrow. BHG was quiet today so with luck it will be the same there. Then I can have a serious look at what's on offer without being jostled. The danger is of course that I will be tempted to spend hideous amounts but I suppose as long as I will actually use my purchases, it will not be wasted.

The last few days I have become increasingly frustrated. Getting connected to the UK is all but impossible, meaning for one that I am missing the 6 nations – you can't even listen to 5 Live abroad any more. I hardly watch sport but what I do follow are the 6 Nations, rugby and football world cups. That's it. And of course I like to watch UK telly. It's infuriating when I complain to have some customer service agents gaily inform me that I can easily connect to Tokyo, Hong Kong or Los Angeles. I know that but I am only interested in UK locations – the others won't access Uk TV! Oh, and after using them for eight years, I still get wet behind the ears kids telling me to do all the things I know I need to before contacting them with a complaint.

Such are the tribulations sent to torture expats in China!

Wednesday, 6^th February, 2019 1400

I went for that dinner last night with Jody, it was not without its difficulties. For some reason she thought that after spending a couple of years here I would know place names. I don't, nor did I in Chizhou. I know landmarks such as large shops or hotels.

Eventually she told me how many stops on the 15 bus (13) and thankfully the bus had the flashing row of lights telling you which stop you were approaching. It was the first time nobody really had to stand on the bus and with sparse traffic I arrived early. The problem there was that there were various locations for the same stop, depending on which bus you took – and it seemed there were about 20 different buses using the area.

Eventually Jody found me and took me to a very large shopping centre I never knew existed. The restaurants were on the seventh floor. We took a look to choose which cuisine to have. Well I didn't want Chinese so she said there would be Korean or Japanese. As it was new years day some restaurants were closed and we were left with a simple choice between hotpot, fish hotpot or Korean.

No contest. Not quite like the little Korean barbecue place I loved in Chizhou and they still had the awful propensity to drizzle cream on the sushi, but it was nice, under ¥200 including two small Buds for me and she paid. Having intended to do so myself (apparently she always pays with foreign teachers, probably because I'm the only non Peace Corps she knows) I made a deal. She is flying to Auckland for a fortnight on Sunday so she will now be coming here on Friday and I shall cook for her. She requested fish and chips. Quite aside from the fact I don't have a fryer to do the fish (or any fish for that matter), I can however still make chips in my dry fryer so we settled on fish fingers, chips and peas with real malt vinegar! Malt vinegar is not something available in the shops but I like to keep some handy. An apple pie will complete the meal and when she is back I have to make chilli enchiladas – can't do those at present as I have no kidney beans.

Afterwards she took me to Starbucks, the second time in my life I have set foot in one. She had some ridiculously expensive tea concoction for ¥25 and I contented myself with the “ice tea” I always carry. During that time she told me she was “trying” to quit teaching at her university. In stark contrast to the plight of foreign teachers who can be disposed of at will, Chinese ones are notoriously difficult to sack and find it equally hard to actually pack it in! All sorts of meetings are held before the decision is made to allow the teacher to quit. And then they must decide on how many years it must be before they will be allowed back. She has no intention of returning to teaching (even though she was earning a decent salary, albeit nothing like what she may do soon).

Given that her uncle wants her to work for him and currently she has her finger in another pie, I hope she can give up teaching soon. She tells me a compulsory programme has been introduced for primary, middle and high schools where all students must attend either a winter or summer camp (so much for their school holidays!), preferably abroad. She is now involved and was looking for suggestions. The first one that came to mind was Outward Bound (I have now found another couple of options today) and considering if she sets up co-operations the organisation dealing with the entire province will pay her almost half a million yuan for four months work a year, I said it sounded far better than her uncle's job and also offered the chance to see the world. I never got given such choices when I was her age!

Oh, and Janet has now been elected a full professor so congratulations to her. I have though advised her that when she flies she should specify Prof rather than Dr in case there's a mid-air medical emergency and they want her to save a patient.

I am hoping the worst of winter is now behind us, the short-term forecast is now with daytime highs above zero. According to the web our coldest overnight has been -20C this year, they will be the days when I was taken back to childhood when there was ice on the inside of my kitchen windows.

Chinese New Year's Eve, 2019 1000

I did go to find cheese on Saturday but rather than go to the Baian centre on a “fingers crossed they have some” mission, I decided to see if I could find the new Metro store which opened here late last year.

Having located the address in English online, I then had Alice translate it to Chinese and text me in order to show it to a taxi driver. I was dropped opposite Lanzhou Shopping Centre, a large mall I have never seen before. On going inside I searched the information board posted beside the lifts. Well, I was in the right place, it said Metro was on floor B2.

On taking the lift down and exiting, I found I was in an underground car park! Confused, after all the information posted right next to the lifts had said B2, I went back up to try again. Asking other shoppers yielded nothing but “ting bu dongs” (I don't understand) and my blood pressure was rising. I hadn't come all that way only to return home defeated. And Jesus, was it crowded! I know it was Saturday but for some reason I thought new year was Wednesday when in fact it is tomorrow.

Eventually I found a “concierge” attired in an impressive uniform boasting more gold rings than the Duke of Edinburgh's and approached him for help, convinced he would also be a ting bu dong. He did speak a little English and confirmed I wasn't going potty, it was indeed on B2 but not accessible via the lift. I was given directions to descend an escalator, walk to McDonald's and then find another escalator down to the shop.

I found it, walked in amid the Madding Crowds clamouring for their “nian huo” (new year shopping) and couldn't find a trolley. So I walked back out to search. Thereupon I heard a commotion astern of me and turned to see a security guard running towards me! I had crossed the Maginot Line and to exit even without a purchase I had to now go around to the dedicated “no purchase” exit! Sod that for a game of soldiers, so I dismissed the guard's instructions and told him in no uncertain terms that I was trying to find a bloody trolley!

He understood my mime and his attitude changed, I fact he came back out with me and tried to help. When he failed he said “wait a moment”. I didn't. It hadn't taken me long to figure out that the way to commandeer a trolley was to waylay someone exiting the store and pounce the second they removed their bags. Triumphantly, I re-entered and gave a big thumbs up as I pushed my trolley, which was about the size of a small family car.

I will be returning but not on a weekend and certainly after new year. Whilst it will not remove all my needs for Taobao online shopping it will certainly cover half of it, maybe more. I need to be there when it is quieter, the throngs made lingering near the displays almost impossible but I did buy some bits and bobs and, most importantly, they had cheese! A good selection too and I bought three packs for two thirds the price of what I usually get in Baian (if they have any). It's not quite City Store in Shanghai (which is Christmas on a stick if you live in far-flung Chinese places) but for me in Lanzhou it is a Godsend.

Yesterday I killed three birds with one stone. I went to buy gas, my monthly medicines and, having survived on two sweaters for the past eight years, I bought two new ones. One of my old ones came from the UK and is still perfectly fine apart from some brown stains on the front, sustained years ago from a washing machine I think and which will not disappear. The new ones are a bit snug even though they were the largest that could be found but they will stretch I hope!

I did notice when walking through Peili Square that the centrepiece, unlike previous years, has not been decorated for the new year. We've had chickens and dogs in the past but this year, nothing. It makes me wonder if perhaps the Year Of The Pig is affected by the presence of a sizeable Muslim community here. If true, that both does and doesn't make sense in equal measure. I must try to find out the reason.

Tomorrow Jody (Annie's Chinese teacher) wants to meet for dinner before she jets off on the 10^th to Auckland for a holiday and a scouting reconnaissance to see whether she wants to relocate for a job offer. She seems to think the buses won't be too crowded for me to cross the river, given that everyone should be celebrating at home or visiting relatives. I shall see.

Friday 1^st February, 2019 1515

Well dinner on Monday was ghastly. The menu showed proper lobster and I was tempted but then when a western menu lists the prices as “seasonal” you just know it's going to be expensive. They had a guess at 600¥ a kilo so I gave it a miss and ordered steak. If they'd given me a hob in the room I could have found a supermarket, bought a frozen ready meal steak dinner, cooked it and eaten that. Because that's what it was, a ready meal. Perfectly circular cow, pepper sauce, one floret of broccoli and a dozen of the tiniest, soggiest and smallest “fries” I have even seen. Sometimes it helps that I don't eat much and thank God, it wasn't expensive.

Surprisingly the beds were comfortable, normally in Chinese hotels it's akin to sleeping on the bathroom floor so I was pleased at least with that. Breakfast was a let-down although I had expected that. There was bacon of a sort but no sign of eggs or any butter for the toast. I decided I would make do with a glass of orange juice and a couple of bowls of cornflakes. When I asked about milk for cereals the waitress proceeded to fetch a container I would have expected to be holding coffee or tea, then pour hot milk on my cornflakes! And guess what? The juice was hot too! Oh, how I longed to be back in the Sofitel!

I didn't feel too good either, I had been labouring under a form of cold since we left for Chengdu and perhaps that was it. Either way I was knackered so took an afternoon nap which did wonders for my fatigue but also served to make me feel worse.

In the evening Alice collected me and dropped me at the restaurant in a private room, then left to go and get Mum, her brother and two nieces. Just the six of us and to be realistic, three and a half eaters in that number. Surprisingly, even though I ate little, most of the food went from six dishes. The piece de resistance was a large fish cooked too spicily for me. When I asked I was told it was a “spindle” fish. I'd never heard of one but further investigation revealed it could well be a form of catfish. After the meal I visited Alice's home for half an hour and then she walked me back to the hotel where I had decided I would go to bed late, not even bother going for breakfast and instead wake late in time for a noon checkout.

I omitted to mention that when I checked in on Monday and paid in cash for the room the hotel refused two of my 100¥ notes, telling Alice they were counterfeit. I had forgotten but the taxi which I think took us to Chengdu airport had refused one also, at the time I thought it was because a small piece of one corner had been torn. These two notes both bore the same serial number. Concerned, I had them check the rest of my money and to my relief the rest were ok.

So, the first fake money I have been fed in eight and a half years here, but where had it come from? Well certainly in the last few months the only places I have obtained hundreds have been from the Bank of China ATM around the corner and Colt, my IELTS boy, he gave me a hongbao as a gift for my services. Except the envelope he gave me was a BoC one. I couldn't imagine he would fob me off with fakes given that he wanted more lessons and it would be embarrassing seeing as his parents both work at the Bank of China where he got the cash and they are friends of Janet.

So when I saw him for another two-hour session on Thursday, I asked him to inform the bank they had fed me fraudulent notes. I knew it would be denied but wanted them to be aware. To my astonishment the bank emailed Colt a computerised list of the serial numbers of the notes he'd withdrawn! I never knew they could do that. My fakes were not on the list. That means the only possible source has to be the ATM near me. Needless to say, from now on I shall be checking every withdrawal for duplicate numbers.

Yesterday I finally bought the last of the cigars from the large consignment Mr Jing Jo got for me. I now have a veritable wall of cartons comprising 3,000 cigars, six months' supply. I'm ok now until the beginning of August.

Earlier today I decided to get my new years' final shop done before the shops go mental. I now have enough wine until 12^th, mince to make several dinners along with fish fingers and large prawns, plus three boxes of Milan sausages, one of which will be made into a hot dog tonight. Anything else I can get from the nearby stalls, although tomorrow I want to go in search of cheese and tinned peas, the only way I can get real peas and not beans masquerading as them.

And then the solitary existence commences.