Saturday 30^th May, 2020 1400

Finally a weekend on which I have no work to do. Then on Monday it will be back to The Brave New World they are creating on campus. Thank God the term is almost over, it's going to drive me potty.

Just to complicate things of course we have now got staggered class times on the run up to lunchtime so there's no huge rush for the cafeterias. That part only affects me on a Wednesday because I have one class at that time on an even-numbered floor. They get a fifty minute break after the first two periods instead of twenty and instead of breaking for lunch at midday it's 1230, making lunch break a slimmed down version of two hours. It makes little difference to me, I take my own food. Just as well because since they demolished that road there are no food outlets or shops there, just metal hoardings.

The facial recognition thing seems to be in operating mode now judging by what I saw yesterday when I went to BHG. Queues of students waiting to get onto this campus with desks manned by senior students registering them in record books after the cameras. I will take my camera out when I go out shortly to take a snap, I'm sure there will be more arriving as they have been given staggered return times.

I need to go out anyway. I am desperate to buy some earplugs. Unbelievably, pharmacies don't sell them so in hope I am going to the underground market. Why do I suddenly need them? Someone above and close by has a pet bird. I have no idea what it is but it's not a budgie or canary. Now the weather is decent I think they are hanging it outside the window at night. With the sun coming up lately at around five-thirty, it starts and then doesn't stop until about eight. When I say it doesn't stop, I mean it. Ooh-ooh! Ooh-ooh! Every couple of seconds incessantly. Not only does it wake me but it keeps me awake no matter how tired I am. I'm almost wishing it was winter again so they kept it inside!

Someone also said to me everyone should wear masks in class.

Well that's just terrific. It's hard enough to understand many of them as it is without them being muffled and I absolutely loathe wearing them. A whole day of me wearing one and it will be soaked. I can't see that happening but doubtless someone will spy and take me aside. I wonder if we will be back to something resembling normal for September.

1615

I had a modicum of success with the earplugs in the underground market but it took some time. I was armed with the Chinese script I copied from Google and “ar sah” from the vocal option and for once I was understood. I managed to get two pairs of foam ones after much searching and being pointed hither and thither and to be honest I would never have thought where. The most unlikely place, to me at least, a beauty shop! None of the other beauty shops had any (and there are a few down there) but now I know where to look maybe I can build up a stock. They weren't that important before but with term starting I can do without being kept awake for hours before I actually have to get up and stuffing tissues in my ears didn't do me much good.

Not so many students queueing to get back in this time but I got photos. The lucky ones are those who were told to come tomorrow, for those now on campus are prisoners forbidden to leave the grounds, just like Alice. Still, almost like HMS “Conway” - staff came and went at will and we were enchained but at least we could “go ashore” (usually only as far as Llanfair P.G. or Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in full, something I never mastered) for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon. Or was it Saturday..... But then we weren't adults, these are.

As I was walking back with my earplugs and liquids the sky turned ominously gloomy. So much for the forecast and praise be to good timing. A heavy thunderstorm ensued when no such thing was warned of but by then I was starting to prepare tonight's dinner of roast chicken and fried potatoes. I am so lazy the Sunday roast I intended went by the bye. Tomorrow it's mash and Kiwi peas, parsley sauce and yes! - fish fingers!!! BHG have them back again. American pollock so not Birdseye cod but easy to cook. Bliss.

All I have to worry about for now is not forgetting to take anything on Monday and being able to walk the distance. Perhaps I should have practised a little more often.

Tuesday 26^th May, 2020 1700

I'm in trouble.

I walked more today than I have since late January. Just going to the 66 bus caused pain. Then there was the walk to campus, thankfully via the previously closed demolished shortcut. This leads to the old north gate which is the only one open, the bridge gate (which I had to take last term and was twice as far) is blocked off due to the Covid Crestrictions. Thank God.

It was pigging raining as well and just to cheer me up I had a bad stomach from the spicy stuff last night and the beginnings of another jaw infection. I met with Alice and then went on a trek to get my papers photocopied for free. I thought finding Jody's office was the best bet so we tramped all the way to the building and went to the 3^rd floor where I thought my classroom was so many years ago. A student was on sentry duty outside and hastily told me I couldn't go in. I didn't want to, I just wanted to look and see if it was indeed my classroom. There was a student defending his thesis inside and the last thing I would want to do would be to put him off his stride and he couldn't get his degree.

The classroom was different to what I remembered and I asked the student. I think she was one of mine but she had a mask on of course, if this was my room last term. No. Upstairs? Yes. So, 4^th floor which looked less familiar and Jody's office was now a classroom!

Back down and rest on the 3^rd floor and by chance Jody came down the stairs. I was right the first time. Documents printed and copied for free. On the 3^rd floor.

Then it was time to liberate Alice. It was like trying to coax a refuge dog out of its cage. No! I can't come, our head teacher told us if we leave campus we won't get our certificate! I never used the I can get taxis into Peili campus analogy and just told her I would fix it. Love her, she trusted me. She was just so happy to be free again.

Well when we left at 1245 the gate was unmanned anyway! Anyone could have left undetected. She chose Pizza Hut but when the taxi dropped us it was shrouded. I think Pizza Hut in that location is now gone. Shit. So Burger King it was. And she enjoyed her double whopper, chicken nuggets, chips and ice cream but oh my God, not only did she do the American thing of dipping chips in the ice cream but nuggets as well! Enough to make a lesser mortal throw up.

Metro afterwards for “Chinese snacks”. Well I am no wiser as to what these constitute because apparently Metro don't have them. I did however persuade her to take some turnovers and a Pringles type tube of chocolate cream-filled cracknells whilst I bought two bottles of Merlot on offer for 29¥ apiece.

Taxi back to campus and make it wait until I got Alice inside without losing her BA. This time security were out in force. Bloody ridiculous that they all bugger off for lunch and then come back two hours later. I already had everything sorted so Alice wouldn't be in trouble but the sneaky bitch waited for me to show my face to the recognition camera with temperature monitor, crouched down behind me and came through like someone leaving a pay car park by driving bumper to bumper with the car in front! Genius! And I don't have to sort any problems out.

Later things soured. Brenda called. All was fine until she told me that with my being the only foreign teacher as long as I got on with my colleagues I would be very safe. Well I have no interaction with my colleagues to speak of. I thought it a bit of an odd thing to say. I said do you mean the Deans? Dean Li (Delia) loves me. And what about Dean Liu? She's a bully. What's a bully? You know in the playground when you were young and bigger kids came and were nasty? That's a bully. Oh, well she's the leader. Oh yes, and doesn't she want everyone to know!

I told her about the showing a film thing and I don't know why, was shocked to find the bitch had complained last term to Mr Zhang and Brenda about it. I put her right about Cowface never having even had the courtesy to sit in one of my classes and basing her opinions on spying through a door window and how it had been fine for a decade for me to do so.

I was advised if it happened again to just report it to Brenda and Mr Zhang and I said oh, now I know she goes running to cause trouble I certainly will but I cannot guarantee we will not have a very public argument. Which we will I am sure. This has all the hallmarks of a Billy Keadie build-up (SSM readers only will understand) but while China blocks foreign entrants for once, despite my age, I actually find my talents – or lack of them – in a sellers market. And I haven't even asked for a pay rise this year.

I have nothing to fear from the student evaluations, weirdly they can get you fired, whatever I do I do for the students and not the faculty. I would be pissed off if I had a low average from the kids even though some classes are a nightmare – like the one Dean Liu chose to criticise me for.

Two years and counting.

Monday 25^th May, 2020 2045

Another lazy but busy day today. Lazy in that I never did half the things I wanted to but busy nonetheless.

Finalising my written exam took some time but I did have some helpful suggestions from a reader of my blog. It also showed me that my thinking I was pulling a fast one by telling the school I needed to finish two weeks early in order to mark the papers proves to have possibly been an understatement, I think I will struggle to do it in a fortnight!

I think the test itself is a good one insofar as it will be a good barometer of English knowledge and one which virtually eliminates cheating but I hope to God I don't have to repeat the exercise any time soon.

Tomorrow I shall go to campus to get a zillion copies printed rather than paying for them locally myself. Not because it would have cost me a lot, it wouldn't, but because Alice is a prisoner.

Now I'm not long returned from having dinner around the corner, a slightly spicy pork stir fry which would have gone down better if I had teeth and my gums weren't sore today. I also got some vegetable dishes for Jody. Some people can be so ungrateful. She complained both were mainly spinach. Given that she declined aubergines and specifically asked for greens, that's what I got! I can't read the menu and I never had my glasses so all I saw was green! How do I know what a human bloody rabbit eats? I cant do right from wrong sometimes.

Anyway, she told me the foreign students had been begging her. Now I thought they were all safely banished to their own countries but apparently not all of them. These will be the Class of 2020 graduating in a few days. The foreign students, presumably because their parents/government pay high fees, are afforded accommodation similar to what the foreign teachers get, indeed when I arrived here four years ago and they never had the keys to where I live now I was offered lodgings there. I declined and paid for an hotel because I prefer peace and quiet. Probably the same as Nordine and Annie's but not quite like mine in the graveyard (an ambulance left as I started typing this, the blues were still on so whoever was inside I assume was still alive) and they have cooking facilities.

Being from Eastern Europe I am guessing they are like me, unused to Chinese cuisine except the kind they get in their home countries. I do wish the Chinese would start to eat proper Chinese food! Well of course, they've been begging her to get their groceries because they are also prisoners on campus! Not even allowed to have takeaways delivered. I mean, really? Security can't accept them and the students collect from them?

When she said to me it was wrong that foreign students were kept captive I simply had to ask why they should be different to Chinese students? In just the same way I think it is ludicrous to allow teachers to come and go at will it is equally farcical to confine the students.

On that subject, Brenda has now had to email my photo to security so they will recognise me tomorrow. Hopefully that will save me from having a tantrum when I try to enter my lawful workplace. I sent her the one of me when I was twelve, holding my pet goanna at arms length in case it bit me, Somehow I think she'll use a more recent one.

So I told Alice that after she has done the copying (I am so out of touch now I can't even work the machine) I will take her out for lunch. I can't leave campus, said she. I will liberate you for an afternoon, said I. You can't said she. Let's hope it works. I have informed Brenda and she said any problems to call her and she will deal with security. Watch this space for Steve McQueen and The Great Escape.

So the plan is to take her wherever she wants to go for lunch. I suggested Burger King or Pizza Hut but her choice. If she picks Pizza Hut I will pay for extra pizzas for her to take back to her roommates. Then a trip to BHG as my wine lake is empty and she can buy cheaper toilet rolls and snacks. A few bob in taxis but if it works she will be a happy girl, as will be her dormitory companions.

No facial recognition for me tonight. I spotted the security gate around the corner was open to allow the restaurant to dump their rubbish in the bins and made a beeline. With a case of beer, bottles of jing jo and takeaway spinach to cart back home afterwards I never took the chance of having to walk extra so came through the other entrance. Most of it was roped off and I steeled myself for the “halt! Who goes there?” routine but it never happened. There were electric cables lying everywhere so I asked the guard what was going on. He pointed out there was no car barrier. That happens quite often when people don't see it and simply drive into it but this seems to be more. I would not be the least bit surprised if in a couple of days the entrance security has been beefed up.

As long as they still let my taxis through I couldn't give a flying fox!

Sunday 24th May, 2020                                1945

Just a bit of fun. First draft of the exam paper I will set my reading classes for their end of term in a couple of weeks. Their task is simply to highlight (not correct, that would be cruel) the errors.

In lockdown maybe a bit of fun for some and of you want to have a go just reply in the comment section as to how many errors you identified. I will post the original script in a couple of days with the answer. 

Highlight any mistakes you find. They could be spelling, grammatical, wrong context – anything. Points will be earned for each error correctly identified but points will be deducted for anything highlighted which is not a mistake. When you have finished you may hand in your paper and leave, however, take your time – this exam is far more important than the home assignments you did. This article will not be found online except on my computer so searching is pointless. I wrote it!

The Racist Impact Of Covid-19

I set an assignment with a report on Asia students being attacked on western countries following the break out. I set it because I was ashamed to be westren and it made me angry that people were behaving this way.

I didn't think the backslash would be turned on westerners in China but I was wrong. Foreigners in other cities were refused entry to shops and restaurants and, sitting safely in Lanzhou, I watched from afar in the knowledge it would not happen to me. Everyone in Peili knows the white-haired old laowei so there won't be no trouble.

Once again I was wrong, thankfully only slightly but it did give me a taste of what some Chinese people are experienced in my own country simply because of the shape of their eyes. I got it here because I have a big nose!

I only experienced two mild incidents. The first was when the local restaurants in Peili reopened with people sitting at tables far from each other. A colleague and I went to Xinghe restaurant because it is a lot close to my home. I couldn't remember if I was allowed to smoke inside so before we went in I decided to smoke a little out side. A rather large Chinese man of about fifty years of age approached and asked where I was from. “England” I replied. I couldn't understand what he then said but my colleague responded for me and then the man's friends quickly came and pushed him away inside and up to their private dining room. I found out what he was saying was that I should be in quarantine. Exactly what my countrymen were doing to China people in the UK. I was furious. I had stayed in Chinese and not run away and this was how I was to be treat? His friends did me a favour by taking him away, otherwise I may have spent the night in prison.

The second occasion was my birthday on the 9^th May when we went at another restaurant opposite Wu-Mart. No sooner had we sat in a table than a member of staff rushed over and spoke to my companion, then left after she replied.

The waitress had asked where I was came from. Would they have asked even a Chinese person that? On finding out I was English she had become agitated because the other customers were all looking and worrying I had bought the virus to the restaurant and they were thinking of asking me to leave. By then China had barred entry to foregners six weeks previously and Gansu had made anyone coming to the province from elsewhere in China isolate for fourteen days so the concern was completely unfounded and showed complete iggorance. I hadn't left Lanzhou since December.

Both instances hurt but knowing what had happened to Asian people in other countries and being worldly-wise I could only shake my head in disbelief. It hankered back to the American wild west when ordinary people lynched men and women they were convinced had committed crimes. It also very reminded me that the human race has evolved very little really in the last five hundred years.

It saddens me greatly. 

Saturday 23^rd May, 2020 2100

So I have one more week before I endure the shock of having to set my alarm clock for the first time this year and the agony of commuting to work. And shock it will be, especially the walking, even going the short totter to the jing jo shop occasionally sees me suffering full-scale pelvic protests. I hope to God that short cut from bus to campus is fully open now.

I cleared all my work yesterday and decided to have a day off today, which I have done, marred only by a straggler class submitting their assignments about an hour ago. I am now wondering whether there will be another. My decision to declare a Steve holiday next week was justified.

Yesterday it seemed the world and his uncle were gawping at me in my little office. They weren't, they were showing great interest in a new notice which had been posted in a rather inconvenient position as far as I was concerned, one which by the amount of attention it garnered was of some import.

When Jody came home I asked her to check it out, naturally the Americans could have been invading or there was going to be a hydrogen bomb test a mile away and still nothing would have been posted in English.

Apparently it was indeed important. Facial recognition is being implemented city-wide and between 1400-1800 today the equipment and staff were to be on hand at the entrance to zap everyone. I'm not quite sure what happens if your physog is not on the system but I avoided leaving home at all today. No doubt I will know the answer tomorrow! Bugger it, security all know my face, I “talk” to them every time I leave and the authorities know full well they have an illiterate laowei living here – hell, the police turned up twice before didn't they?

Alice phoned at lunchtime. She has been back since Wednesday farting about with her thesis and defence so she can graduate. I do feel sorry for these kids not getting graduation photos, they've worked four years to actually appear in one and now they won't happen.

She was complaining she is in prison, which is precisely what I told her would happen. She's not allowed to leave campus, she can't even order shopping online and collect it at the gate and she can't get takeaways delivered. Given the state of the food I experienced in the cafeteria my heart goes out to her. It's more akin to what happened in UK schools when I was a kid – what we never ate was sent to the pigs except here they bypass the pigs.

What answer could I give when she asked how come students were in prison but teachers could come and go? How can anyone logically justify that? I certainly can't because it's precisely what I would ask were I a student.

The planet has lost its marbles. Airlines, restaurants, pubs, travel firms etc are going to the wall and whole economies have collapsed and will take years to recover. And for what? Something that has killed 340,000 people worldwide in the same time that 600,000 have died on the roads this year.

It was never something I shit myself over when China was the only star of the show and although it wasn't a joke then (or now) it has become ridiculous.

Oh and now there's a 14 day quarantine rule for the UK.......what can I say?

Thursday 21^st May, 2020 2230

Payback for being lazyish for three days. I have ploughed through four lots today, which probably means I will be averse tomorrow. Bugger it, I've given myself the best part of next week off (and not been questioned at all) so after almost 4800 assignments and burn-out, I am going to slow down a little before the manic arena that is exam fortnight starting 1^st June .

And then time off in which I have no idea whether I can do anything or not. It's not as if I will spring clean the house or take up a new hobby, the only thing that motivates me these days is travel and writing. Even cooking has paled with nobody to cook for. And let's face it, doing a Sunday roast for yourself is really, well, a lot of work. It makes Burger King suddenly attractive and that's sad.

Last night I went to Xinghe restaurant around the corner, bloody stupid, I should have just had a cheap hotpot but I did have sashimi and sweet pork. The latter there is too crispy for my gums and there's loads in the fridge which will be chucked away but we do these things when we are bored, don't we?

This afternoon I was surprised by knocking at my door. As usual I was attired in short sleeves and boxers. My home, why should I wear trousers? It was Brenda. No, she didn't come to get me to sign my new contract, it was a courtesy visit to deliver a packet of ten.

No you dirty people! Ten face masks!

I think the school now has a statutory obligation to provide every teacher one new mask per day and for some reason it was felt as a foreigner I didn't already have a bloody pile of them in my office. I've been using the same one for two weeks (the handles fell off the last one) because I only put one on when I have to go into a shop so now I have a surplus of medical masks. Wonder if I can get a sideline and extra money working in the hospital.......

I've just started watching the complete box set (5 series) of Last Tango In Halifax. It's taken me down to 8Gb storage after downloading from the BBC but this was only after Jeremy Clarkson on Millionaire mentioned it to a contestant and said it was good. So far, yes. It passed me by first time around and I confess because of the title. I mean – Halifax?

What is it with all these UK TV ads about what companies are doing in the Covid dooberry? All the “caring”crap for peoples' mental health? Sorry, well actually I'm not but how the hell is a banking application going to make you sane? If you were bonkers before then you still are now.

Oh God, I am so un-PC.

Well I can only relate my own experience of lockdown. To be fair I was never confined to barracks, just never had anywhere to go as everywhere was closed. Besides that it was no different to every sodding holiday here! No mates in town so nobody to go out with and the only escape was travel. Except this time it was actually hard work and not time off. I may have moaned but I haven't complained because my salary goes into the bank every month.

Sure I get bored very occasionally but sirens have yet to wake me at night and force me into underground bunkers. My children (not that I have any) haven't had to be sent away to safety. I have no gas mask in my home even though occasionally after baked beans one would be handy in bed.

The more this thing goes on the more I think the effect of the panic is doing more damage than the virus. Millions throughout the world are now jobless, companies have gone to the wall and even when eventually the virus is considered vanquished life will not be worth bothering with.

I want to go to a pub and sit six feet from everyone? Dine behind a perspex screen? It's a bloody virus, deal with it and get on.

Tuesday 19th May, 2020 1920

No I am not going to talk about Trump.

I have however had new information about exam finishing times which has caused me a lot of head scratching.

This is week 12 and we restart week 14. My exams should be finished weeks 15 and 16. In theory that should mean w/c 1^st June (week 14) is a get to know each other again and then start testing the following week. Not so. Life is complicated.

Written classes are no problem now I've figured out a way of setting a block written exam they cannot possibly cheat in so I shall take a liberty and test half of those in week 15, leaving their periods in week 16 free. Well it gives me time to mark the papers! The other half I see on even weeks so I will do them in 16 because I don't have them in odd weeks.

The oral classes take two weeks each so all bar two will be tested during 15 and 16. The other two, because they are even and odd weeks, are different. The even week class will be straight into exams the first week back and done by 16. The odd week will start week 15 and have to overrun by a week to 17. That does mean that I will be finished by 19th June, except the stragglers. For them I will need to make a special trip to campus on the 24^th, the day before dragon boat festival. By then I should have completed all marking. The school seems to have accepted my plans but it's tough if they don't, it is what I shall be doing. I never caused all the upheaval!

Oh, and just because I've had enough of all these essays, I've given myself next week off! It's not as lazy as you may think, I still need to very carefully compile my newspaper article with judiciously-placed errors (and make sure the rest is perfect!) and get enough papers printed. I could wait until campus but I will pay for it myself here. I also need to give the class monitors time to compile spreadsheets for their class marks to date. More importantly, there's absolutely no way I want shedloads of assignments hitting me next Friday and Saturday when I have to go to school on the Monday. So those that aren't walking straight into exams will have oral tasks to bring and possibly be called upon to treat the class to them.

Is that clear?

If not, don't worry, it took me two days to try and work out a plan! Wouldn't have been a problem if it weren't for this common cold that's been knocking around and screwing things up.

Oh, and I've just had another conversation with our Shanghai correspondent. The traffic light system is still as clear as mud but this is about the best sense I can make of it.

If you are in Shanghai you can have a green light. If you go to a red light area (as opposed to district!) your green goes to yellow and you have to isolate for a fortnight on your return.

If you go to a yellow area even though you have a green from Shanghai, when you get to the yellow you have to quarantine there but can return to Shanghai afterwards because you were a good boy.

Everything making sense? Good.

Now guess where is a yellow area? Oh yes, of course, here. So I can go to a green area like Shanghai without a problem but when I return I have to bloody isolate! There's no Just Eat, Dominos, Indians etc that I can order in from, no Tesco online. And how do I order anyway in Chinese? Until Lanzhou turns green I am stuffed. Summer is looking precarious. I've already written off foreign travel in case they slam the door after me but getting the hell out of Dodge for a couple of weeks would be nice.

And you see, here's something else I don't understand. I can't go a few miles up the road for a couple of days in an hotel but my students are all arriving back next weekend without isolating? Plenty of them are from other provinces such as Tibet and Shaanxi – the one I wanted to go to!

All the above is, I am sure, designed to make me think I have suddenly lost my marbles.....

Saturday 16^th May, 2020 2100

There are times in life when you just feel like giving up and today is one of them.

Having cleared all my work yesterday I decided a double cheeseburger from Burger King was on the cards, followed by a quick trip to Metro to restock on cheddar.

After the “free” chicken nuggets the past couple of times, this time I did my best to prevent being given them or indeed paying for them. Pointing at pictures and saying in Chinese yes and no seemed beyond the comprehension of the server and so she called a manager who spoke English. It took a little while and not a small amount of patience to get over the fact that even if they were free I didn't want them and as nobody would take them from me they would just go in the bin. She understood.

Sadly the message never got through to the burger flippers because I still got nuggets. I wouldn't mind so much if they were nice but they taste awful. I love BK but McD's nuggets are actually much better. They went in the bin.

In Metro I tried to buy strawberry turnovers for Jody. There were two packs left, I inspected them and the writing looked the same as strawberry that I had pulled up on the computer before. I either had two strawberry or two apple. There was nobody there to practise my new Chinese word “how mei” either. You can guess what I bought.

I did have a bit of luck on the way home though, my taxi already had a customer. Normally I hate that because they charge everyone full price and I have to put my foot down to actually get taken all the way home but this chap was quite ethical – after dropping off the first lady he picked up another and we were all charged the basic 10¥ fee. I was taken home and paid 10¥ when normally it is 15¥ so well done that chap. If only he had spoken English I would have taken his phone number to use him for future airport runs.

And then whilst relaxing watching old episodes of “Millionaire”, at about eight, two classes of homework pinged into my inbox!!! and then another which I hope is a single student whose file failed to open. But I mean, late on Saturday night?

Well they had better change soon because I have officially been told my classes restart on 1^st June, presumably without the foreign students as the ban is still in place. That will give me one or two lessons with classes (some I am rostered to teach every other week) before I start exams.

Which will take some working out. We have Dragon Boat holiday in June so with some classes not being every week and possibly being on holiday when I need to test them, not only do I have to prepare the tests but make sure they are done (and marked and returned) in time. Rest assured I will ensure I finish bloody early, this term has been sodding hard work and I don't think they will get another western native speaker before the restart after summer so doubtless it will be piled on me.

But. Unlike many, I am not sitting wondering if I still have a job and being paid on a Government handout scheme (well I am paid by the government anyway) so I count my decision not to scarper when everyone else did as the pandemic hit as one of the absolute best decisions of my life. I'd have been stuffed if I had, same as Kevin and Nordine. Not so crazy after all eh?

Brenda has instructed me to wear a mask on the way to and from work on the bus (really?), entering campus, in the library and canteen (right, I go to those two places regularly! I don't even know where the library is and once in the canteen was quite enough) and in public places.

It is going to be very interesting to see if they expect me to wear a mask up at the front of the class. I may well get taken to task over that but to be honest after 10 minutes of wearing one it's like being waterboarded! I hate the bloody things!

Wednesday 13^th May, 2020 2040

So the world is virtually closed for business, notwithstanding recent slight easings of restrictions. Now there's a spat between the UK and the EU (no change there) about the proposal to exempt France from the fortnight quarantine. Quite why they want to exempt France is beyond me considering throughout most of history we have been fighting to either keep them out get in there ourselves.

I thought perhaps I was the only one thinking the various international responses were being made up as we went along until I realised that is in fact exactly what is happening. Nobody has a clue and no country has ever really prepared for anything on this scale. No point in playing the Trump Blame Game, that's like having the Nuremberg trials before the war was won. It was too much to hope humankind had evolved as far as co-operating on anything other than oil and money.

It's knee-jerk politics and in many cases being ignored by the great unwashed. The New World will be much altered and somehow I don't think I will be particularly happy with it. What is it? Elbow bump instead of handshake? Well how the hell do you stop doing something you've done for six decades? Six foot gap? Do I take a tape measure with me?

What does really concern me is the real possibility of many pubs, airlines and small businesses disappearing forever. It's already obvious even to the hard of understanding that there will be no foreign summer holidays this year. Maybe Sweden had it right all along.

Talking of summer, Wuhu Alice tells me graduating students studying in Guangzhou university are only allowed back for four days at the end of the month to collect their gear and drop off paperwork required for them to actually receive their degrees. Graduation photos have been cancelled, which is a shame but at least she has one from her BA. Apparently some schools have photoshopped, with one she showed me with students with cartoon bodies with their superimposed heads leaping in the air. I suggested a blank white frame with “I graduated in 2020 and survived!” printed on it.

She is however, taking a trip to Tibet in July. Tibet is next door to us here and although I personally am not allowed to go there unless I am part of an organised and sanctioned tour, I have students from there. In fact, parts of Tibet are a stone's throw from here, Gannan is a case in point.

So she has threatened to visit me either on the way or on the way back, which would be nice.

Monday 11^th May, 2020 1815

I have no idea where I went wrong but half my classes never received this week's assignment! Luckily the monitors queried it and hopefully I have rectified my error. 3/10 – could do better!

I did actually get a couple of “early bird” classes who sent me their work for a birthday present but I did those yesterday. Today's classes sent in too late for me to bother so I will do them tomorrow morning and lunchtime. I have still not been officially advised if and when I will be back on campus this term, all I am getting is Jody's office chat relayed.

So today it was BHG for a wine run and some veg and flour. The flour I am not sure of, I chose some bread flour and one of the “Grandmas” who loiter and pounce on unsuspecting customers decided I should buy the flour she was promoting. Mine has a picture of loaves of bread on the packaging, hers had dumplings so I refused. She was insistent. I pointed to the bread, then the dumplings and she pointed to some Chinese writing, seemingly adamant hers also makes bread. I capitulated but left her in the full knowledge that if it is dreadful I know her face (well the bit above the mask!) and I would return and kill her.

I had offered to make Jody cream of mushroom soup for dinner today but the very mention of cream made her shy away in horror. I tried to tell her it only has a bit of cream in it but to no avail. I know if I made it she wouldn't even try it and yet when I made it a year ago it was actually quite nice – and she loves mushrooms. So instead I've made her favourite, minestrone. Well, whenever she actually gets back which could be nine for all I know. She's such a fussy eater and all because she's trying to lose weight. Quite what for I have no idea, she's not skinny but she's not fat either, she reckons every time she makes progress I destroy it. Funny that I eat little but never lose weight or gain it. I'm in permafat mode.

I gave Joan a nudge regarding Nanning seeing as she hadn't replied. Turns out she has spent the last month in bed, not with Covid but synovitis in one of her hips. She thinks Nanning is too far from her folks so I have two years to convince her. She says she's not interested that much in money and yet she wants to support her parents. She could visit them easily with a four hour flight, taxi and train journey so it isn't that far and I've told her no way am I opening up somewhere we will go belly up within three months. Anyway, in time she could get them to move there too, maybe rope them into working. They're younger than me! I won't be looking to become Croesus, I'll be happy for a bit of extra dosh to travel more, have funded accommodation and an ongoing visa. If not then I shall need to rethink about other alternatives and they will not include the UK. I did warn her that successful people make sacrifices, I think she has forgotten that part.

Has anyone else noticed the programmes on UK television are drying up? It's been my favourite pastime for nearly four months now and to be honest I have discovered old box sets that passed me by but they are becoming thin on the ground now. I am not ever going to start watching Love Island, Real Housewives and all that tat so I have started downloading subtitled films and things, right now I have a detective film in Tamil set in Madras downloading. Well, it did score 8.7!

Rather annoyingly I saw today that a city in NE China has now been put in “special measures” due to another outbreak and similar things are happening in other parts of the world. The second-longest serving airline in the world just filed for bankruptcy and methinks it won't be the last. I don't have much hope for a normal life for years after all this.

Saturday 9^th May, 2020 2200

Ok, so it seems my thoughts on the traffic light phone thing weren't made clear enough in all quarters. It is completely pointless. Fine, it allows people to travel without let or hindrance but it is nonetheless utterly pointless. It works, I am told. So I assume does the microwave which has been sitting in a cupboard ever since I arrived in Lanzhou. That too is pointless because I have never tried to use it.

I am in a low risk (no such thing as a no risk) area and tomorrow I could go to the hospital, have bloods and whatnot taken and be pronounced as clean as a disinfected scalpel - at the point the samples were taken. One second after they took the sample I could have been infected, yet walk out proudly clutching a clean bill of health.

So I still fail to understand the value of the traffic light phone thing. Going to somewhere not “green”? Turn off the phone and don't use it, they can't track that. Just because something works for people doesn't make it right, it just makes their lives easier. The international criminal who buys a fake passport that “works” for travel? The banned driver who buys a forged licence that is good for a traffic stop? Just because people are happy with it and it “works” is not the same as being sensible and effective. Or am I wrong?

I had birthday salutations this morning from my longest-standing friend, still sailing as a Chief Engineer at I think 67 years of age. For all those whingeing about three weeks of lockdown, he has just spent 12 weeks locked down aboard, been repatriated to Kiwi and is now in a further 2 weeks isolation in an hotel room in Auckland. I can only hope room service is good and the booze keeps coming.

And the best laid plans of mice and me? How many times have we been here? Ok, now the UK is introducing 2 weeks quarantine and I can't see that changing by August any more than the door not being slammed shut on me the moment I leave here.

But tonight was rather subdued. Just me and Jody. I was looking forward to an all you can eat and drink Holiday Inn buffet but it's closed due to the virus. I should have thought of that. Instead we went to a restaurant nearby where two years ago I swear I saw a picture of sweet and sour pork and have meant to return ever since. No picture any more. So fine, we had deep fried tiger prawns and rice with some vegetables and then an enormous two pound fish that from the photo should have been in sweet sauce but for me was not nice. On balance a Whopper would have done me nicely tonight but never mind.

However, it would be remiss of me not to mention that as soon as we sat down at a table Jody was approached by a rather agitated waitress and a conversation ensued. Once over, I asked what was said. Jody can be quite waspish (and I've been on the receiving end a couple of times) and she was in full stinging mode. They asked her if I had just returned from abroad because the other customers might have wanted me thrown out! Apparently they did just that a few days ago, not that there are many of us left here.

Now that really pisses me off and if I could speak Chinese I would have exploded and loftily informed the waitress and the restaurant at large that I have been in the city since last summer and never buggered off when the brown stuff hit the cooling thing.

I can understand now - that's twice I've had that – how the Chinese abroad felt when they got that crap in the west. It's not right no matter where it happens. Not so bad for me but young Chinese abroad, that's a different matter. Anyway, as it happens, if they had booted me out at least I would have had a chilli melt at Burger King!

Ok, new date for my students coming back to class is end of May. Great. I might get one week of lessons with some, two with others and then exam time. Hardly seems worth it. Bit like the traffic light system.

Friday 8^th May, 2020 VE Day 1615

So today's the day the UK will celebrate 75 years since America single-handedly won WW2! Seriously, it's an even bigger shame than the Chinese spring festival being cancelled that there will be no proper street parties, or if there are the police will break them up anyway. I don't know why they bother with so many ignoring the rules that the measures aren't working. However, to any of my readers celebrating either victory or liberation today from a far greater threat a few years before I was born, I hope you enjoy your somewhat muted observances.

I've just had a shower preparatory to popping out to the shops to get an aubergine and some digestives, I forgot yesterday and I want to make steamed veg with rice for you know who - “Oh I LOVE veggies!”.

Today though I departed from my usual bathroom routine. Instead of brushing my teeth before showering I decided, as I occasionally do seeing as it is a “wet room”, to brush them whilst under the shower.

I was confronted by not one but two toothbrushes in my glass. She has her own and both were identical bar one being yellow and the other white. I don't know about you folks but when I am done with a brush I keep it on the shelf until the current one has reached the end of its useful life when it is replaced by the newest old one. Why? To clean the grouting and those hard to reach spots at the back of the toilet seat.

The reason why there were two in my glass? Someone decided to clean the shelf yesterday! I almost had to ditch both but closer forensic inspection showed the white one was markedly more frayed. Wait till she gets home....

The three days of rain turned out to be one, forecasting here is not a strong point, so today it is simply overcast and cool. Tomorrow though is said to be warmish and sunny. I hope so, we are supposed to be going out for dinner. I rather fancied the Holiday Inn AYCE&D buffet but I have a suspicion it will be elsewhere. Just as long as it's not a hotpot.......

As for work, so far this week I've had one student redo an assignment for which she received zero marks. That's it. Maybe I shouldn't go online tomorrow in case I am deluged. I am doing absolutely no work at all tomorrow.

I have been getting info from Our Man In Shanghai re the tracking whatnot on smartphones with the traffic light system to allow unhindered (or otherwise) travel in-country. He asked for hotels here so I got over-excited thinking he was visiting until I realised there are no ships on the Huang He (Yellow River) here. He's not coming, he just wants to get the green screen for Lanzhou.

You see, this is where I am confused.

If a city is a participant in this scheme (I have no idea if we are here) then for it to be effective I would have assumed the phone holder – or at least the phone – would need to actually visit but it seems that's not the case. I honestly don't understand. I may be as thick as in some areas but logic isn't normally one of them. Maybe I am interpreting badly. But maybe I can get “green” for anywhere I want to go without moving a muscle. About as effective as the Isle of Wight UK thing that doesn't work with phones over two years old......

Thursday 7^th May, 2020 1900

VE Day tomorrow but no celebrations here, probably none for VJ day on 15^th August either.

Yesterday I went out and as oft times happens I forgot my mask. The security guard refused to let me in for two minutes to get an onion even when I demonstrated that I would zip up my fleece and pull it up to the bridge of my nose (yep, warm weather gone and three days of rain on the cards now) so I wasn't happy.

I wanted that onion to make my sausage rolls today but Mr Jing Jo gave me a free mask. Well, I had just given him four corkscrews to give away to any wine customers. One of the two wines I buy in BHG has one in each box of six bottles so invariably I get between two and four a month. I went back and got my onion.

Today it was the same guard. I told him I didn't have a mask but I had a carrier bag which I stuck over my head and asked if that was Ok? Apparently impermeable plastic is not acceptable but a flimsy cotton thing is. And yes, I had a mask in my pocket. Next I want to buy a Captain Hook prosthetic for next time they want to zap my wrist with the temperature dooberry! Shanghai is open but Lanzhou hasn't got the message yet. Latest campus news from Jody is no classes for the rest of May. As I will finish by the first week of July anyway there's hardly any point in my physically meeting my masked students anyway!

And right now I am confused. Last week I asked the students to send me their homework for this week nice and early so I never had a solid weekend of work. It's now 2000 on Thursday and I have had absolutely nothing! Ok, so Monday and Tuesday were holidays but yesterday and today weren't.

I am now wondering if the tsunami of work last week was a result of some of the classes hitting me with everything. I have no idea. I know it is week 10 but I have had week 10 before week 9 and other mix-ups. What I do know is that if they pile it on at the weekend they can whistle! I'm rather enjoying the respite, binge watching Airport 24/7 Thailand, Crossing Lines etc........

I hope my UK readers will be having “social distancing” street parties tomorrow! Social distancing, what on earth is that? Besides impossible.

Wednesday 6^th May, 2020 1530

Well I ploughed through the work on Sunday and finally, finally, emptied my “to be done” folder. I looked forward to two days of doing nothing. Jody also changed her mind about working, instead popping home to get some different clothes. She thinks it's great living here because instead of spending 500¥ a month on taxis for work she can easily take the bus from here at 1¥ a throw.

On Monday night shortly before eight I was stunned to receive two emails of homework shortly before eight! One was last week's assignment and the other contained re-done work by students whose file wouldn't open or they'd done the wrong task.

I thought to hell with that, I would have my two days off! Instead I assessed them earlier today. The best of it is, that was a Friday class and Friday was a holiday – they weren't supposed to do the assignment!!

Yesterday we both went to BHG – the wine lake was rapidly drying up – and last night I baked a strawberry pie for Jody which she has yet to sample. I had two lots and I must say with whipped cream it was damned nice. Tonight I'm going to make sausage rolls for the first time since December, once I've gathered the momentum to go and buy an onion, the ones in BHG yesterday being pretty ropey. They are great standbys for the freezer when I can't be bothered.

We are supposed to get rain this evening, Thursday and Friday, I was beginning to enjoy the warm weather!

Is anyone else getting “Coronavirus Dreams”? My latest was so bizarre and so vivid that unusually I can remember it well. I was in North Korea. That in itself was hardly worthy of note but the reason I was there was because I was in a relationship with Kim Yo-jung! Fatty found out about it and wasn't particularly happy, so with thoughts of being fed to dogs or strafed with anti-aircraft guns, we went on the run. Except we couldn't actually get out of the country. No money, no transport and no food. We were eating grass. That part was probably triggered by seeing a couple of women outside my kitchen pulling up weeds growing from between the paving and saving them to cook at home. Even more strange was the fact that when I awoke I really wanted to nod off again to resume and find out if we lived happily ever after as a couple! I suppose it made a change from homework chasing me down the street......

Time for a shower I think, the sky is darkening.

Saturday 2^nd May, 2020 2245

Bloody women.

Yesterday morning: What time are we going downtown? Don't know, after I have a shower. Yes but what time? I need to know so I know what I can do. Well, ok, let's say three-thirty – we'll be in Metro for four, Burger King half an hour after that and then we can go to Starbucks afterwards just as you want, ok? No, let's go at three.

What she “could do” for the rest of the time was lounge on the sofa watching films on her phone! The best of it was, when I showered and said I would be ready to leave at three, which was what she had suggested, can't we make it three-thirty instead? I want to take a shower too. Ok, fine. With no sign of movement by 1525 I started becoming impatient, only to be told, can't you go on your own?

The whole bloody event had been her idea in the first place and now I was all dressed up with nowhere to go. Eventually I prevailed and we finally left at a quarter past four. No Starbucks though, the one with chairs outside was elsewhere, as was (she swears) another Burger King I have never heard of but no Metro. At least we stocked up on turnovers and croissants.

So I took the whole day off from marking. Today I cleared two more classes and still have five emails awaiting attention. I think and hope they consist of two classes of essays and three individual student homeworks, in which case I may well empty my pending folder completely by tomorrow night, giving me Monday and Tuesday off, lessons restart on Wednesday.

Tonight we met with Deniro, a rather porkier version than before, he confessed he had gained 10Kg in weight during the lockdown. No idea how people do that, I have remained static but then I only normally open the fridge to get a beer out.

We all met up in the “mayo” restaurant, the one we went to last time when nearly everything was off the menu and they concentrated on deliveries rather than customers in-house. Tonight they were fully staffed and we even got a private room upstairs. The food was great but not long after it was brought to us, Deniro took a call and announced he had an emergency and had to leave! Fine by me, it was his turn to pay and he paid before leaving.

However, from what I gather, some relatives had arrived earlier at his home and taken his wife and child out – probably for dinner. Deniro, and I am guessing here, instead of crying off with us and cancelling, went ahead and met us to save face while his family were elsewhere. Damned foolish. It would have been disappointing to be sure but we would have understood. Had he wanted he could have brought all his family to join us instead, I reckon we would have had a better evening!

Anyway it seems the nice weather is finally here. 30ºC today which was great outside but I could do with warmer, I still had to run my heater in my little office because it was still cold indoors!