Tuesday 10th February, 2015               1400

So far today has also been a This Is China day!

Yesterday my depression metamorphosed into illness, which would explain a lot. Dicky tummy, no appetite or energy and the result thus far is that the last food I ate was breakfast on Sunday morning. I have a bag of Doritos I will open shortly and force a few down.

I was up at dawn this morning to be picked up at 0840 and taken to the studios. This arrangement I learnt last night and it took me by surprise. We have rehearsals tonight at which they will film and then the show proper tomorrow night which will also be filmed, meaning if anything goes wrong one night they can use footage from the other. But I wasn’t expecting twice in one day!

I certainly wasn’t expecting to spend four hours today already in the studios as the various acts were required to repeat their performance, in some cases four times. Also, instead of being act ten of fourteen, our set are now the closing acts, apparently the director decided it was the most important although I fail to see why - having seen the police SWAT teams today I thought they were great, even though all the guns were pointed at me standing by the side of the audience.

Anyway, come ten o’clock and Wolfgang still hadn’t appeared, Sally phoned to see what the problem was. Apparently his wife has broken her ankle. It would have been common courtesy to make a quick call or send a text to let everyone know there would be a no-show. I am now wondering if it isn’t a bad case of stage fright, which if it is the case then we will learn tonight if he doesn’t show up again. Watch this space but I turned up even though I still feel under the weather. Oh and just to exacerbate matters my right knee has chosen to become arthritic as well! I have popped a pill and am going to have a nap - I got hardly any sleep last night because the damned cats were crying and fighting and Pooh was jumping up at the door trying to let them all out.

At least I am not being collected until 1930 as the show starts at eight. Mulan and Sarah will need to take a bus because if they want to ensure they get a seat for the show they need to be there by at least seven.

Wednesday 11th                1500

I tossed and turned in bed for two hours yesterday afternoon, desperate for sleep but of course I was overtired and the more you can’t sleep the angrier you get and the more impossible it is to sleep. And so it came to pass that I was picked up with my frontal lobes feeling somewhat numb.

Mulan, Sarah and little brother John had arrived at six thirty so they had 90 minutes to wait but at least they bagged seats. The place was heaving. At this point I hadn’t eaten anything bar a handful of crisps in two and a half days and I swear it was the energy emanating from the young performers that perked me up. Molly was there, as were her parents and I retired to my “office” - a small room with an exterior roller shutter that security had shooed me into when they caught me smoking. Before anyone thinks I was out of order, the police and army had all been smoking in the same place I was when I was collared! The new place was cold but much better as there was somewhere to sit. That was quite important because when practising the tai chi my part involves holding a rather unnatural position for some time and at my age and weight it isn’t easy so the more rest my feet and legs had the better.

Anyway, after dropping me off at the studio Sally had taken the firm’s car to go and collect/cajole Wolfgang into coming. At best he was going to be in shtuck because he will have forgotten everything and he would have had to practise plenty before  the show. I declined simply because I wanted to save my legs for the real thing. The Master (who you will see is a long tall streak of…..) does impossible things with his legs, which were I to try would probably result in a hospital stay, replacement knees and a hernia operation so I am glad I am not expected to mimic him too much.

Fifteen minutes before we were due on stage the news came through. There would be no Wolfgang. Surprise, surprise. I took no comfort from being proved right, rather I felt really sorry for Sally who has put a lot of effort into this. We performed as a duet instead, not quite last but towards the end of the filming, which lasted precisely one hour. One of the hostesses apparently fainted on stage and had to be taken to hospital but I never saw that, rather I thought if anyone was going to it would be me from lack of food and sleep!

Anyway, Mulan had my camera and took a short video of my abysmal performance and I attach some photos of the show. Tonight is the big one!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK2JGT8grUw

After the show it was off to McDonald’s where I hoped to ingest something. I could only manage half a burger but at least I had something. Mulan and John paid for the taxis and food which was very kind of them.

This morning I had breakfast so I am fine now and after the show I have promised to make them hot dogs for supper (John is seemingly staying here for a few days while he studies for the gaokao - the college entrance exam, while Sarah stays at her student‘s home).

Now it’s time for a nap, hopefully I will actually sleep this time and post this late tonight.

Thursday 12th              1130

I didn’t get around to posting last night so this one is an epic.


When I came out of my room first thing though I was greeted with the sight of earth and debris all over the living room floor. Zorro had somehow managed to push the heavy pot which due to him had only contained the upright twig, off the wardrobe. It had crashed to the floor (I am told about seven but I never heard it) and demolished the plastic washing up bowl that served as the animal drinking water container. Thank God Mulan was here to clear up the mess or I would have been in a murderous mood.

I did though eat a full breakfast, which made me feel much, much better.

So, I was collected shortly before six-thirty and as we neared the studios I noticed that the entire building was lit up, not something I ever recall seeing. The lights must go on for VIPs only. There was a heavy police presence, with cars being turned away left, right and centre and people being prevented from entering unless they had ID tags. Of course I didn’t have one and, preceding Sally on the way in, I was stopped because of this. I had to laugh when one policeman blurted out what I assume was “it’s one of the laowei in the show” and the other suddenly looked at my face, opened his eyes wide and waved me through.

By now I was utterly convinced Wolfgang wouldn’t turn up and was beginning to feel really badly about him. Imagine my surprise when, on going into a private room we had by now claimed for ourselves, I was confronted by the vision of him already in his tang suit practising with the Master. Credit where it is due, he really rehearsed a lot in order to catch up. His wife did indeed break her ankle but as often happens, things got lost in translation. She broke it three months ago but is still having mobility problems, hence his need to stand us up the day before. He told me his restaurant was full to capacity that night and although everyone who could was helping out, he should really be there. I told him to think of the money he was making even whilst he was away and he said it’s not about the money.

Then when I updated him on the fact we were now the last set of acts he blurted out that if he had known that he wouldn’t have come! But of course, it’s not about the money is it?

But he was there and hats off for the work he put in to get up to speed. It seemed a long old wait, especially as this time there were policemen on the studio doors preventing even performers from entering. I tried just to sneak up the side of the seats to get a glimpse of the audience but was firmly refused even though I was wearing my kit.

I was told I had to go to make-up. Having refused the previous night, I did so again but they were adamant this time I had to have it. Never in all my years have I had make-up on (not even as a child I don’t think, experimenting with Mummy’s) and there I was having mascara, blusher, rouge etc put on my face while dozens of Chinese girls took photos of eyeliner and stuff being applied to my ugly physog. I am sure I was plastered all over QQ social network before even going on stage. I looked in the mirror once it was done and didn’t recognise myself. My eyebrows were dark, as were my eyes and with the lipstick (how can women put that on voluntarily??) I looked like an ageing drag queen. I could but chuckle to myself. Then it was a battle to get out of the room because it became a photocall with hordes of female performers. Eventually though everyone who wanted a snap with the foreign Mrs Doubtfire got one.

Then suddenly whilst we were waiting in our little room we were called backstage. Cock-up fright  reared its ugly head but I had fortified myself with jing-jo as a precaution - praying I hadn’t overdone it! I could peek out at the audience, which surprisingly didn’t fill all the seats, there were still a few empty ones but there were others standing at the sides. There were military uniforms and, in the front seats, obviously the city leaders judging by the huge red sashes they wore.

And then it was showtime.

Please don’t bugger it up!

I would guess our little part lasted about a minute and haven’t seen any footage of it yet (although I hope to obtain a copy of the whole show) so I have no idea how we came across but my gut feeling is that we made a reasonable fist of it. Sally seemed both elated and relieved and I get the impression she may have had a lot riding on it career-wise.

But it was done and it was time to head home and make some pseudo hot dogs for my houseguests. In retrospect I have to say that I did rather enjoy the procedure (apart from the cosmetics!) and it has made me realise that when watching a large group of performers going through a complicated dance routine in synchronisation the amount of hard work they must put in to get it absolutely right. The show airs on the evening of new year’s eve (18th) and Sally and Molly are going to try to get an internet link so I can watch it. Mind you, as with everything I do, it wouldn’t surprise me if they completely cut our bit out!!