Thursday 4^th January, 2018 2300

Hey! I remembered to change the year! Doubtless I will slip up at some point though. We all do.

This morning Stephanie had the decency to inform me in advance that she would not be coming for dinner, she had what she called a fever but which I suspect is in fact a final sobering up after new year. Bloody lightweights, I always advise the way to not get a hangover is never sober up and it is true.

I am lucky I suppose, I have never ever had a headache or a hangover in my life. Yes of course I have felt dreadful after a heavy night and the belly has emulated a cement mixer but an Underberg (whatever happened to them??) always did the trick.

Well that rather threw the cooking plans out, I was going to do soup and croutons for starters but sod doing it for essentially just Annie – I normally have a soupcon just to be polite.

Snow all gone, I went shopping. Shish kebabs were always on the cards and I bought the doings but, feeling guilty about not making a starter, I looked in the freezer cabinets thinking maybe I would do a couple of scallops but came across what I hoped was smoked salmon. Hoped was the right term because of course it was sashimi but Annie wolfed down the majority with some baguette.

The shish were actually bloody good, I even ate two and Annie loved the wasabi liquid sachet I had free which had been cellotaped to a jar of mayonnaise. I now have enough kebabs sitting in the fridge to feed me until Monday. Then it is the last meal for Annie before she goes off with the Peace Corps and probably the penultimate one for Stephanie.

But anyway, back to the shopping. Buying vegetables is a trial. First you have to find where they have hidden the bags and then you have to catch whatever you want to buy. The Chinese do one of three things to get them weighed and priced: queue to the left, queue to the right or if they have big enough bollocks they don't queue at all and simply go behind the counter and sling their produce on the weighing machine.

Well that may work normally and unbelievably the staff take it in their stride. I do not. I don't queue-jump so why should anyone else? Well, one confrontation on a quiet midweek afternoon should be the total, yes?

My habit now is after shopping to wheel my trolley to near the exit because invariably I go to the bakery to buy a baguette. It is handy for my solo dinners. You are not allowed to take the trolleys outside to the taxi place and of course I know that. There is one trolleydolly (although the dolly bit is stretching it) who never fails to converse with me even though we cannot understand each other, with whom I leave my shopping in the trolley for her to mind while I go and buy my baguette.

She was not on duty today. The thing that was, and believe me it WAS a thing and in 18 months I have never seen it before, started shouting at me as I passed it. I swear it had enough makeup plastered on from last night's performance of a panto and I knew full well she wanted me to deposit the trolley with her.

Had she been nice I may have done so but gargoyles and harridans bring out the worst in me. Giving my most polite “I'll be back” I sailed past her into the bakery. Being foreign, that normally is sufficient. Jesus if the next thing wasn't that she was grabbing the trolley! The bakery staff know me, I go there every week and they were aghast.

I have this harpy clinging to my trolley, preventing me from pushing it to the baguette section, babbling all sorts of shit, never seen me before, I am a weekly customer and now I have a crowd watching.

If I was shoplifting it would be different. I wasn't even trying to take the damned trolley outside. I just wanted to buy a baguette and she was clinging and jerking as if I was a criminal.

Jing jo is wonderful. I simply turned to her, shouted “Hey!!!”, ripped the trolley back and calmly went and bought my baguette. And do you know, I glanced across at the door and the dragon was stood there glaring! I said to the baguette girl, look, she thinks I am going to steal the trolley! And I pointed at her, she disappeared about ten feet away.

Finished, I went out and returned my trolley to the dragon point and made a point of asking if she was happy now? Had she had the power to breathe fire I would have been tonight's kebab.

It reminded of a time in Sainsburys in Luton. I had popped in to buy quite literally a baguette. I left. There was an RAC man flogging membership outside and I had spoken on occasion with him. His patter was entertaining and as I exited the store he was in full flow so I was listening as it was fun.

Behind me I heard a commotion and turned around to see the security guard approaching me at pace. Excuse me! Yes? Didn't you hear me calling you? No, I was more interested in hearing the RAC man. Step back inside please sir. What? Have they started security tagging bread now?

I shall recognise the harpy again. I just need to look out for hideous red lipstick which has been over-applied and a mouth with lips that could have been drawn with a ruler.