Sunday 28^th June, 2020 1630

I now hate going to teaching building four. They have state of the art computers that are actually part of the blackboards and with touch screens. You could be forgiven for asking why I hate them, in theory they are all-singing, all-dancing, right? They are bloody useless. One, the maximum volume is so quiet they have won awards from the Noise Abatement Society and even the front row can't hear and two – worse – no matter what I do or the students do, I cannot get the subtitles to work in portable VLC or anything else for that matter. And to cap it all, the films get deleted from my USB and I have to reload them all. I used to moan like hell about the old computers in building three, now I'm going to beg for all my classes next term to be there!

I went on the hunt for a China Mobile shop near BHG at lunchtime but couldn't find one and eventually caved in and went into China Unicom. Not only is the phone I have not suited to China Mobile sims but only Unicom ones and they could actually sell me one using my passport. They kept asking me through their phone translators if I wanted to surf the internet and I tried to get through I didn't even want to make calls, just get the green light for travel! It proved impossible to get a PAYG sim such as the one I have in my dumbphone so I had to fork out 200¥ from which they will take 19¥ a month to keep it working. For that I get so many minutes and so much data a month. What's that all about? If I make three minutes of calls a month that's heavy usage for me and as for data, that always meant statistics and the like! At least hopefully Jody can sort out what I need to get around. And show me what I have to do.

Didn't buy a scrap of food in BHG, just a box of wine, a pillow for Alice and luckily I realised I would need to buy another bath towel. By now I was getting that sense of deja vu, the one where this time every year I am trying to save and end up spending fortunes instead.

Then it was off to Burger King for a late lunch and Metro, primarily for the emergency tea bags. Of course, whilst there I had to buy all of the turnovers for Fanny because I have no idea which ones are apple and which strawberry, a load of croissants, tinned tomatoes for me (sometimes I like just having them on toast for dinner) and sadly I spotted Canadian maple syrup for the first time in years so bought a rather expensive bottle. Well, Alice likes my breakfasts and she likes eggy bread and maple syrup. Oh and I treated myself to a couple of madeira cakes. I could make my own (and better ones) but I just have no energy.

So all in all I spent about 700¥ today when I was hoping for a third of that. I'd like to say it's beans on toast until holiday time but the beans are expensive here! Chow mien and beef noodles are the cheapest options. Or starvation. Thank God I don't have to buy cigars for another six months.

Once I have paid for the remaining flights and hotels I should have over 1,000¥ a day spending money on our travels and as the food is included on board (and hopefully the hotel executive lounges will offer decent “snacks”) I should be able to scrape by. Praise be for the MN pension which will see me through to the bumper payday in September. Not being paid for August is a real bugger.

Saturday 27^th June, 2020 1525

Time for a moan.

Yesterday I went for a haircut, what I call my summer holiday or “Shanghai” haircut. With five or six weeks to go before I hopefully travel, I won't look completely bald as it will have grown back a bit. That's the problem with white hair, when it's really short it's invisible.

Before that I went to a nearby China Mobile shop to get a sim card for the smartphone. The woman showed me a Chinese ID card and indicated she needed mine. Well, I don't have one but I did have my passport complete with current residence permit. No. She wouldn't accept that! It hadn't been a problem in China Telecom (except their sim wouldn't work on that phone) and it certainly hadn't been a problem ten years ago in the little CM shop on Chizhou campus when I got my original sim. But she wasn't budging because her little machine couldn't scan my passport. I pointed out that she could simply type the details in the computer but to no avail. I was not best pleased.

And this morning I thought of a problem I may or may not have with not having the green light. I will be going to meet Alice on the 6^th. Since the airport is a goodly distance away I want to take the train and I don't know if I will even be allowed to buy a ticket, let alone board the train, even though it's in the same city. So it is becoming a matter of urgency to get a damned sim or I am faced with forking out 300¥ each way for a regular taxi or, if I get Jody to call the private car company, 300¥ or maybe a little more to get them to pick me up, take me and then wait to bring us both back. Given that public transport including short taxi rides would cost me a hundred yuan, I am keen to keep costs down.

So tomorrow I have one morning class and plan to go shopping at BHG as I will have no wine left after tonight but Jody searched and apparently there's another CM shop near there, which I shall try.

Tomorrow afternoon may be busy. The intention is to try and get a sim, shop, get a cab home and have it wait while I put the shopping in, then head off to Burger King for a treat and Metro to get urgent supplies of Twinings English breakfast tea bags along with goodies such as turnovers, croissants and madeira cake. If I cannot get a sim tomorrow I don't know as yet what I will do because I have classes all week and groceries have to be bought on a regular basis. I watch crime dramas all the time and criminals get “burner” phones with impunity – I can't even get one when I have the best possible ID!!! It's enough to drive a man to drink.......

Before anyone thinks “why doesn't he just put his other sim in the smartphone?” I thought of that. They are different sizes. I thought they were universal but no. If it wasn't so sunny I'd lose the will to live. And I have to buy another pillow for Alice.

I feel a fish finger dinner coming on – and what's the bets I can't buy any more tomorrow because they've run out?

On a lighter note, as regular readers will know, mosquitoes don't bite me because to them I stink. However, just one in my bedroom buzzing past my ear will waken me. Well this year I haven't seen a single one in my home. I've always used the insect screens when windows are open but it never had any effect on mozzies or flies. This year, nothing!

This must surely be because the little sods had been sneaking into the kitchen through the circular hole in a window where the extractor used to be. I got Andy to stuff an old pair of my trousers in the aperture last year (mainly to keep the cold from coming in) and it seems it was a good move.

I still get ants in the kitchen occasionally but liberal spraying kills the invaders and the smell seems to deter the others from trying for quite a while.

A good illustration of life here - also why I really don't want to use a smartphone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lm92Rd262qQ

Thursday 25^th June, 2020 Dragon Boat Day 2015

As I only had a handful of students from the last class to examine on Wednesday afternoon, I was done by 1515 and was surprised to emerge from the building into blazing heat, probably around 33ºC. Nothing that would have phased me in Chizhou but after four years here, it was hot.

I took the bus, went to the jing jo shop and then made to go home. When I got to the facial recognition dooberry it wouldn't let me in! I hadn't paid attention and so presented my ugly mug again for a scan and watched. Instead of a green square around my head it flashed intermittently red and my skin temperature kept flashing as 38ºC – and it simply refused to open the gates.

I thought “this is going to be fun in the warm weather” and kept trying. Thankfully the entry gate is under a tent so after a few minutes my skin cooled low enough (37.2ºC) to be deemed no longer a health risk and I was allowed through. Again the lack of logic sprang to mind. On foot the machine will bar entry. Arrive in a car or taxi and you could be at death's door and get through!

And if I arrive on foot again and know I will appear “hot” I suppose I could always buy some bottled water, soak my head and probably sail through.

And then this afternoon Alice (Wuhu/Guangzhou – not Lanzhou) informed me she will be arriving to visit a week on Monday for two nights en route to Tibet. Now of course I am looking forward to seeing her (although it will be a full house, that's for sure! God knows what the neighbours will think!) but then I remembered the entry gate recognition whatnot.

She's not on the system so unless someone looks very similar who is actually a student here, she can't get in or out.

Well I think everyone here knows my opinion of idiotic systems and rules and I will always do my best to circumvent same.

I shall meet her at the airport (she's flying from Hefei, not Guangzhou surprisingly) and we can get a train or coach to the city and a taxi the final mile. Highly unlikely they will inspect another passenger with me so that will be fine. In and out on foot? Well the other Alice showed me that ruse! She just keeps really close to me and dodges out when I get the barrier open! If that doesn't work then I'll open it so she can nip through and then do it again for me. Simples.

Now, to the holiday. There is hope.

I was reading online that all Yangtse cruise companies had cancelled sailings for June and July and yesterday I checked the schedule of our vessel. I pulled up June and no sailings, ditto with July. When I pulled up August however, the sailing dates are showing so fingers crossed. I still have a couple of flights to book, one I would be happy to pay for now (both of us NNG-PVG) as it is a reasonable cost for business class and I doubt it will go lower but the one I am having to hold off on is ME getting to and from Shanghai. Even the unpopular early morning and late night flights are too much so that will be a case of about two weeks before I reckon. I budget £150 each way from here to Shanghai business class and a civilised afternoon flight needs to reduce a fair bit. I love the way they say “in high demand!” and >5 seats left all the time, then when you finally fly you find maybe three others up front with you. Only once has it really been full.

And there's my UK readers champing at the bit to be able to go down the pub again!

So glad I decided to weather the storm here, full pay, payrise, another year in work guaranteed and absolutely NO Greta Thunberg nonsense or BLM riots. Funny all these things go on in “free” countries isn't it? I think I'll stick to being “oppressed by communists”, all you have to do is keep your nose clean and as a foreigner you are as free as a bird apart from document renewal periodically. And I don't walk down the street wondering if I will be attacked.

No I'm not the Chinese Lord Haw Haw at all. I rant enough about this place as well you know, it just happens to have more going for it than against. But it does take a special kind of person to go the distance. Not that I'm special.

Sunday 21^st June, 2020 1930

No, nothing to report from the weekend, all I did was laundry and bake an apple pie today. The latter might not be too good, I used the dumpling flour the supermarket woman insisted I buy and I am not impressed.

A couple of moans though – what's new???

On Saturday morning we finally went close by to get a sim card for the smartphone so Jody could set up whatever needs to be done. The nearest place was China Telecom and after thirty minutes of showing my passport, paying over some money and the saleslady doing her thing we left minus a sim card and a refund. It seems it will only work with a China Mobile one. No rush due to the next moan.

Alice who just graduated called me on Friday from another province. Months ago she signed a contract to take a sales job and only told me when it was too late to advise her against it. She is not enjoying it one little bit. So my thoughts of still taking her to Xining are out. I thought the coming weekend I could take Jody instead, the room is paid for anyway.

No, she can't come, all the teachers have been told they are not allowed to leave Lanzhou until (maybe) term ends! All the teachers except one of course but as I won't be getting the green thingy any time soon, I won't be flouting orders I was never issued in the first place. No point in creating a battle when you don't need to so I am staying put.

Next moan. Thursday is Dragon Boat and a day off. As usual they are making it a four day break by “giving” us Friday off but then making us do Friday's classes the following Saturday! Ordinarily I have no problem with this odd system, it gives the students valuable time to go back home for a few days.

But.

The teachers aren't allowed to leave the city. The students aren't allowed to leave the campus! The complete lack of logic beggars belief. A four-day continuous break and not a soul can use it so why in God's name are we not working on Friday and then we can all finish the Friday after instead of Saturday???? I have long since learnt that questioning such things in China merely elicits an equally imbecilic reason by way of an answer so no longer bother.

I see Reading had a bit of bother although for the life of me I can't see the thinking behind a terrorist attack there. Then there's been a major “outbreak” of Covid on Anglesey so nobody's going to eat chicken any more and Trump's best efforts to increase the infection rate in Tulsa were dampened when he suddenly found out he's not popular any more and hardly anyone came.

Any of my readers going to stop eating chicken? I'm not and occasionally I still buy meat from the now-infamous wet markets. I have been a lifelong believer that even diseased meat is fine to eat provided it is cooked long enough and hot enough.

No BLM protests here and precious Greta hasn't been to the Forbidden City so thank you very much.

Monday 22^nd June, 2020 1800

Just home after a hard day's work doing nothing more arduous than showing films in protest at the “extra” two weeks. Both classes were treated to Turner & Hooch and they absolutely loved it. My favourite bit is when Hooch farts in the station.

When I got back I had no energy to even think of cooking so on the bus I mentally tossed a coin between chow mien at the noodle bar or a quickie hotpot and the hotpot won. And now I was informed they also do me fan which is handy seeing as I usually confine myself to meat only with a few mushrooms.

And a few minutes ago, finally an email with next year's contract for me to check and give the go-ahead. Everything exactly as it has been for four years but with one rather pleasing exception.

An unsolicited 7.7% pay rise. I am delighted.

It would seem that ever so occasionally loyalty does pay off in China. It never did in Chizhou but for all its faults I have had some form of increase every year in Lanzhou. It won't make me rich but it will precisely cover my cigar bill every month! Or more than cover the taxis I have started taking of late. The legs just don't want to work on the way to work so I've been taking a cab in and a bus back. The fare is hardly exorbitant at around £1.50 a pop but given that the bus costs 12p there is indeed a significant difference.

And the Dragon Boat holiday? Good job I asked my students about it today. I did so to see whether they thought it was bonkers too and found out that it's not four days, it's Thur/Fri/Sat and do Friday's class this Sunday! And they think it's barmy as well as they will just stay in their dorms.

And not so much a moan as a chuckle, when I was walking to the bus after school something happened. The road they demolished last year has long since had solid metal fencing erected while new buildings are going up, probably they will still be being built long after I leave. So there's no footpath. In the night there was rain although it stopped by the time I went to school and with it being warmish I wore short sleeves.

Given the amount of trucks that bring cement or take away earth that continually come and go that road has plenty of soil on it. Today there were puddles of mud so I walked further out in the road than usual. I don't mind walking on dirt but not in mud.

These days I no longer walk at 5mph (or even 3mph for that matter) and there was a rather impatient car driver who came up behind me and insistently tooted his horn for me to get aside. An ambulance on blues and twos I would have moved but some arsehole in an SUV? He tooted and tooted until my patience wore thin so I stopped, turned around, looked at him and pointed to the mud slurry. I then shook my head, turned and carried on walking, maybe subconsciously a trifle slower. No more tooting. I'm not sure it was the shock of someone actually doing that or the fact it was an aged laowei who did it! If it wouldn't be an extra weight to carry I'd get a walking stick to brandish!

Getting old's a shit but there are a few advantages......

Thursday 18^th June, 2020 1300

OK, I am calmer now. Dean Delia called that night to apologise and explain that Sue was a first-timer in dealing with a foreign teacher. I in turn said it wasn't the extra two unexpected weeks of work but the fact I had meticulously planned everything and now it was in disarray. I even decided to make the remaining written classes take oral exams until I looked and realised I couldn't because they are bi-weekly and there wasn't enough time left!

And again it would seem my exam went down like the Titanic. I can't fail an entire year! I didn't think it was that hard to pass either but how wrong could I be?

One of the students from yesterday's oral exams happened to express disappointment that my shirt was white, albeit with red and blue piping. Intrigued, not least because I wondered why on earth the colour of my shirt should even be of interest, I asked why.

It turns out the students have been betting amongst themselves what colour I will wear each day because my shirts are brightly-coloured! I suppose I should be flattered?

At lunchtime I left and was waiting for the 66 bus when Mr Zhang pulled up in his car and offered me a lift. BHG is on the way home so he dropped me where a taxi would have. When I went into the store I was confronted by a “GRAND OPENING!” sale. Clothes. Mindful that my wardrobe is now under intense scrutiny and on the Tote, I took an idle look to see if any of their shirts would fit. I think they will, I tried an XL and it would have sufficed, so plumped for XXL on the basis they would be bigger. I bought five new shirts, peach, aquamarine, lemon, a grey one just to skew the betting and a sort of Hawaiian patterned green one. I think they were roughly half price but they have a convoluted way of working out discounts here. Anyway, I am sorted for shirts now until retirement and I can sling some old ones out now. And I got given a fistful of face masks as a gift. I just need to try and find some trousers that are actually comfortable, the last ones make me feel as though my knickers are up my crack even though they aren't. Now if I could find a tailor.......

You'd think in China that would be simplicity personified but trust me, it isn't.

As I was leaving BHG, the first shop inside the mall is a bakery I often use. They do French baguettes and sliced bread that doesn't taste like cake. They also often do little boxes of three mini-burgers with different fillings, ideal for school lunch. Well they never had any so I bought a loaf and half a dozen croissants for Fanny, she foams at the mouth over them.

The manageress (who's a bit of a sort and speaks a little English) gave me the sales pitch to buy a VIP card for 200¥ which gives you half price on I think everything for a year. As I go in there every week and the minimum I spend is 9¥ it seemed as though I'd be quids-in. Ok, I'll take one. Except they only take cash, Alipay or Wechat, no debit cards! I didn't have enough cash and I don't have those other abominations so I will have to get a card next time. Pity, I could have saved 17¥ today alone.

Tuesday 16^th June, 2020 1820

I have lived through the Covid thingy since late January with very few anger management issues with some of the restrictions. I have ploughed through mountains of assignments at home whilst unable to teach in the classroom and believe me it has left me burnt out. My tank is running on emergency.

So imagine how I felt to be going back to school for a week before exams started. Now, I always ask the question “when should I finish my exams” every term. Any sane person would interpret that in any language to mean “when do I finish for the term” wouldn't they? For nine years in China that has been the case anyway.

I was told Weeks 15 and 16. This is week 16 and I shall complete all exams except one of the bi-weekly classes simply because I won't have seen both halves of their class until next week. Planning everything to the minutest detail took me a morning three weeks ago and I duly sent an email to all concerned outlining my intentions. Not a peep from anywhere so all was well?

Fast forward to this morning when I awoke to an email from the Dean's assistant Sue (the one who told me to do my exams by this week!) saying I will be finished testing the freshmen this week but don't forget there are two more weeks left so I need to teach until 4^th July! And sorry if she never made herself clear.

To say I am absolutely fuming is an understatement. What in God's name was the point of me signalling my intentions and not getting any objections or hold on a minutes?

I replied to that effect and said that if the school required it then I would comply, however I have set the sophomores a written exam which I would never have done had I known because it will take me two weeks to mark the papers. If they want me to teach then I shall (actually, stuff it, I will just show films) but they will have a long wait for the results sheets for the sophomores, even if I do overtime and finish them before, they will not be given them until the 18^th July.

Mistakes and misunderstandings I can handle but three weeks after clearly stating my course of action, I get hit with this? Sheer incompetence and if they think that if I do end up seeing students I said goodbye to once again next week that I will in any way let the kids think it's my fault they are very much mistaken. The pupils will know exactly what happened. Jesus it makes me angry when you ask, comply and then it's oh sorry I meant something else. If they didn't want me to finish until 4^th July I would have started my exams next week! And the written classes would have had oral exams.

I am awaiting a reply to my email. And they will wait for those results.

On a lighter note, I have said many times here about the stick I get for having a stupidphone. Jody came home last night, discovered she had left her charger at school and panicked because she was down to 1% power. It's an iPhone and I have no charger for it. Can I borrow your phone for my alarm at 0630? You mean my dumbphone? Yes. You mean the one I charge every two weeks instead of every day that I just charged up today and will still have power at the end of this month? Yes, somewhat sheepishly.

In the end I gave her Roland's as yet simless Samsung to use, which despite having been despatched from Shanghai fully charged and been turned on for five minutes only, was by that time down to 69% battery charge.

Who's the smart one and who's the dumb one?

Monday 15^th June, 2020 1745

I live in what is, according to the internet, the poorest province in the whole of China. As long as I am personally not poor I don't really care. Now that may sound selfish and harsh but it is not meant that way. I think everyone looks after number one first but a few also try to help others and Lord knows I have helped people financially here, albeit in small ways.

The reason I bring the poorest province into the equation is because I have just spent the day listening to stories of puppies found in the street and taken home, puppies that ran away and never came back, likewise with kittens. I also heard stories of fathers buying new oxen. One girl related how the father paid 1,600¥ for a piglet and she was supposed to look after it. She forgot to feed it and so in the grip of hunger it made a dash for freedom. It was so young she was frightened to grasp it when she chased in case she broke something but the family dog came to the rescue. She never forgot to feed it again.

Another spoke of how she found a sheep laying down in the field in distress. She alerted the family and Grandpa came to fix everything. The ewe was having a difficult labour and was in danger of dying so the old boy delivered three lambs by shoving his hand up unmentionable places. Apparently my student doesn't think watching it happen means she would be able to do it herself in future but she is quite happy to play with the fluffy little things as they grow up – in this case for their wool rather than their meat.

A big percentage of my lot live in rural towns and villages and many on farms. Some rear livestock, others grow corn, rice, vegetables and suchlike. When I was a young lad my father used to deliver to a farm that had cows, pigs and chickens and that was where he got his eggs to vend from the van. Sadly the chickens were battery hens but at that age and in those days I never realised the cruelty of it all. I loved going into the sheds, the chickens who had been quiet until I appeared would then all start clucking – maybe they thought I was bringing food even though they had automatic dispensers.

In the middle of all this I had “The Interview” for the project at lunchtime. I was expecting Wang Dandan and a boy with a camera but oh no, three boys with cameras and one to translate both ways! Let's not forget the curious onlookers who in the fullness of time had to be asked to leave what is after all a public area due to the background chattering.

I have no idea what the final video will turn out like. It was a bit like being interviewed by a chat show host without the benefit of being given the questions beforehand!

I don't think I disgraced myself (at least I hope not) and I have no idea what it will be like but readers here will – unless I look like a complete and utter Charlie – judge for themselves in due course when I have it and upload it to YouTube. If I come out as Mr Bean then it ain't gonna happen!

Sunday 14^th June, 2020 1045

Dandan came on Friday and as well as taking pictures they filmed. The students were quite unconcerned, no doubt because they were all wearing masks!

Then it was time to go to BHG and she followed me to film me leaving campus. On the spur of the moment she decided to “escape” with me when the guard was distracted! She was made up that she could take photos of me shopping – I can't think of anything more mundane. But then afterwards when I asked her if she was going back, I received the reply I knew was coming. She wanted to come home with me.

So she spent about ninety minutes here, taking pictures (clutter and all) and then left to go back to school. She does seem very keen.

And just when you thought it was safe to take off your mask again, Roland in Shanghai sent me a message asking if I'd heard about the new Beijing lockdown. Immediately I went online and sure enough, breaking news on the BBC, and once again a meat market is getting the flak. Apparently most of the 45 infected people were asymptomatic so to my mind if they were to test any large concentration of people, for instance our campus, I am sure plenty would test positive. I could have it, anyone could.

However I do wonder if this will result in other provinces firming up their restrictions just when they were easing. Roland, wisely, high-tailed it back from Chongqing to Shanghai in case he suddenly got locked out and couldn't return home! Apparently Beijing has been extremely strict over the crisis all the time, second presumably to Wuhan and equally presumably to protect the top brass. After all, if one of the Politburo were to die from it then it would be a national disgrace. Mind you, cause of death would almost certainly officially be something far more heroic.

So the world is battling a pandemic, Trump trade war and sanctions and now anarchy in the streets over a couple of people killed by police, the latest by some accounts after he fell asleep in his car at a drive-through restaurant. Failed a breathalyser, resisted arrest, fought with police, pinched a Taser and aimed it at a copper and was shot for his trouble. The police chief resigned over it (that will help!) and I saw one sign saying justice for the dead man! Surely justice for him would have been a DUI conviction, had he of course not resisted? I'll bet the Met are regretting Boris' water cannons were flogged off......

Oh well, enough rambling for now, it's a beautiful day outside at 27ºC so I may even cook myself dinner tonight and a lunchbox for tomorrow.

Thursday 11^th June, 2020 1800

Anyone got any spare energy to send me? That damned bird is driving me up the wall. I thought I had foiled it by using an earplug last night but at five o'clock it still woke me – I could still hear it. As a result I am out on my feet all day every day of late. It's bad enough that I can't walk particularly far without the added burden of sleep deprivation. The owner probably likes getting up at a sparrow's fart but I don't. Bet they go to bed at eight.

This morning was the first of the written exams.

I'm pretty certain I have a disaster on my hands. I never marked any per se but what I saw when they handed in their papers didn't fill me with any confidence. It's going to present me with a quandary if most of them fail. It may therefore be my first and last foray into written tests!

I did finish early though and took a taxi all the way across town, across the river. The taxi dropped me off in the right place but I thought he dropped me at the 15 bus stop, which is where I know how to get to the restaurant from. Except the subway was closed and I found myself crossing the road, walking for ages and when I got to a large bus station I knew I was in trouble. I searched and searched but everything had changed and I went in three lifts to the 7^th floors but two were hotel corridors and one a beauty parlour.

In the end Adriana had to come and get me and take me back to where I had been taken in the first place. Had I taken the two buses from main campus I think not only would I have found the place (in fact I know I would have) but I reckon it would have been quicker – and cheaper. At least we had a nice Japanese meal. Annoyingly, even though the weather is hot (up to 30ºC some days) they had no cold beers so it was a case of requesting a container of ice. I have no idea what Lanzhou has against cold lager in summer!

So tomorrow just the one class for straightforward oral testing with the bonus of a student with exactly the same Chinese name as Lanzhou Alice coming to take a few photos. I suppose she's in media studies and wants Grandpa Steve (yes, infuriatingly it appears that is how I am referred to throughout the university, probably by the teachers too by virtue of being Father Of The House) to be her project. I've told her she can take her pictures only if the students are willing.

Then Monday lunch she wants to come and do a filmed interview. I suppose I'd better wear one of my better shirts for that. I don't particularly like doing these things any more but I hate letting students down (and I am the only foreigner) and at least she can't follow me around outside as they're not allowed off campus.

I will be most relieved when this term is over for me, all the written tests are marked and I have nothing to do again.

I think my new contract will be signed next week. Brenda says she has applied for a small pay rise for me which of course will be welcome even though I never actually asked for one. To be honest, I will be happy just to get two more years employment. The way my pins are heading I don't think I will be able to work beyond that anyway!

Tuesday 9^th June, 2020 1950

Well that's just wonderful! Paid for one of our flights, all our hotels and the cruise. Today I was informed the ships aren't sailing yet from Yichang to Chongqing because guess where Yichang is? I never knew, neither did Joanna. Hubei province. For those unaware, that's also where Wuhan is.

I did take a look at the news once I heard and they lowered their level from highest to the next one down last month. There are eight weeks to go so everything is crossed that by then common sense will have prevailed. If not it's going to be an almighty mess for me trying to get refunds from everywhere! And no, I never book packages, I always do my own. Is it too much to ask that after seven months of mayhem I can take a holiday?

The exams continued today, just one class after lunch. I don't know if it's because I haven't been eating much these past few days but I am feeling increasingly doddery. Taxi to work today and as none appeared when I finished there was no point in not taking a bus back.

I now have my smartphone courtesy of our man in Shanghai, so far I have turned it on once, got frightened and turned it off again when it asked me to open a Samsung account. Anyway I need another sim card to make it work and I am not giving up my dumbphone, I will only use it to get that green thing for travel if I have to. If this nonsense is over by August he can have it back.

Yesterday afternoon something nice happened. I finished work and went to wait for the 66 bus. Now I knew the 121 stop had moved further up the road but previously the 66 had stopped for me in the usual place. Well yesterday it stopped and a young lady driver indicated the new stop is down the road. I had no idea so it was kind of her not to go sailing by, instead picking me up and letting me know. Actually I am happy, the new stop is closer. Mind you, one of the trucks that sprays the road with water went round in circles while I was waiting today and managed to get me no less than three times! My lower legs were soaked every time even though I took refuge behind a 121 bus!

Thursday lunchtime I am meeting Adriana downtown in a Japanese restaurant. With luck the students won't need the full 110 minutes to sit their written exam, which is after all just one page and I can finish early. In which case I can arrive in good time for my sushi and sashimi.

Sunday 7^th June, 2020 2000

A gloriously unproductive weekend was had by me. I did absolutely nothing bar go to the jing jo shop and tonight the little stall that does barbecue sticks. I don't particularly like them but they fill a hole.

I was in fact looking forward to Burger King seeing as Jody said last night she reckoned she'd be back this afternoon so we could go out together. I don't consider eight at night to be the afternoon! And she isn't back yet.

But happy stuff today.

I started booking the summer holiday. It may of course go tragically south but optimism is the key.

I have booked and paid for our ship. I chose a Friday sailing so I could get the right vessel:
https://www.yangtze-river-cruises.com/ships/victoria-anna.html

Joanna is absolutely delighted for precisely the reason I wanted to book that ship in particular. MV Victoria Anna. Joanna's real name is Zhu (pronounced Jew) Anna, hence I persuaded her nine years ago to alter her English name from Tsunami to Joanna.

I'm not sure which of us is more excited – her for going on a ship with her name or me at the thought of escaping prison after six months. When I said I had done nothing it wasn't strictly true, I have paid for an executive suite aboard, booked hotels at Pudong airport, Chongqing, Nanning and Pudong and also our flights to get to the ship. I need to wait a bit to book the other flights (including mine from here to Shanghai) as they need to reduce in price a bit. You all know I fly up front in China.

It's a bit alarming though watching your bank balance being decimated with each purchase! I think I have done my sums correctly and this year I fervently hope I do not need to seek any financial assistance from elsewhere!

I do appreciate there are readers in other lands who are still unable to move freely (not even sure I will be able to yet) and I sympathise, I have been there and indeed still am there.

But everyone needs something to look forward to regardless of your situation. Maybe the old and infirm (who I am rapidly approaching joining!) long for a visit from grandchildren, younger people want to get back to work and be able to go to the pub for a pint, that sort of thing. I think we are all tired of this global madness? I know I certainly am.

My focus is on either visiting Joan in Suzhou, Anhui for a couple of nights before the big trip (not sure as she will be working), collecting Joanna in Shanghai, cruising Yichang-Chongqing, two nights there, three in Nanning and for me five nights back in Shanghai. If they want to quarantine me in Lanzhou when I return then sod it, I'll miss a week's work.

There are worse things than not being able to plan for the future but not many.

Saturday 6^th June, 2020 1330

Yesterday Alice asked me if I could smuggle her and another monitor out of school. When I had finished for the day we set off for the gate and I duly used my bulk to mask them from the camera and they went through. Unfortunately on this occasion the guards were quite alert and pounced. I called Brenda and asked her to speak with the guards but it was to no avail, they weren't budging. Damned good job I never needed a translator to accompany me to hospital.

I was both annoyed and slightly embarrassed at failing to get them to freedom. However, this shows the inanity of it all: I apologised to the girls and they replied, “Don't worry, we'll just climb over the wall!” And that's exactly what they did. They went downtown and at about ten last night they climbed back in over the wall! Well, if they are doing it how many others are?

On the happy side – there haven't been a lot of sunny news tales of late – Joanna knows we can't go abroad in summer and is happy to take a vacation in China. Given various options, she chose my preferred holiday, which is a Yichang to Chongqing Yangtse cruise followed by possibly five nights in Nanning. So now I am back to doing something I quite like, planning the logistics of flights and hotels (and whether I can afford it all) and we all know that whatever plans I lay, at some point things will go catastrophically wrong!

It ain't going to be cheap either. OK, you know I fly up front so that's my fault. I like decent hotels and of course I want the best for both of us so it's going to be Crowne Plaza and suchlike. I also need to get to Shanghai to collect her and no way am I jetting there only to leave in a couple of hours for the ship in Yichang. I will stay a night at an airport hotel and she can join me so we are both there ready for the adventure.

Now, anyone thinking of a Yangtse cruise (which I think will be terrific watching the stunning scenery passing by from the comfort of a bar stool) that is almost a busman's holiday for an old salt, be aware of the price. In US dollars the 4 night, 5 day upstream cruise is $445 per head in steerage. That's actually quite good value I think. However, start going upscale and executive class and you are talking double the fare. I did daydream of the Shangri-La/Presidential suite experience but at $5,500 for two naturally I balked! For one, I have that much but then nothing left for hotels and flights – or having my Shanghai Sojourn as usual. A thousand quid a night on, let's face it, a river steamer?

To be honest, I am happy to shell out for executive class but apart from an ever so slightly larger cabin, I don't see any difference to cattle class. If it included all you can drink then fine but it seems to me you still have to purchase drinks packages or pay at the bar – which is where I shall be most of the time anyway.

I sent them an enquiry yesterday evening about prices and offers etc which they are pledged to respond to within 24 hours. If executive status confers nothing more than an extra few square feet of cabin area then I am minded to go down to “superior” (meaning steerage) which will leave me (as Harry whatsisface was famous for saying) Loadsamoney! Four nights of paying for wi-fi and drinks can't cost $900 surely? Even in Shanghai I am looking at $100 a day including taking girls for dinner.

But of course, this is me planning so I wouldn't blame you for privately thinking haha! there will be a second wave and another lockdown to foil him!

And just to leave you with something different, I saw the following story in the Mirror today. Why am I posting it? I know Zuzana. She was one of my truck-driving colleague's girlfriend before I came to China. They are both Slovakian and she is absolutely stunning. We used to go out for meals together and they came to mine in Luton for dinner – bizarrely I believe I made it a Chinese dinner that I cooked myself. Happy days but I never knew then that the writing was truly on the wall.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/couple-stranded-paradise-orangutans-hotel-22146520

Thursday 4^th June, 2020 1800

Technology? It's leaving me in its wake.

This morning's classroom, I noticed, had the most wonderfully clean blackboard. I have never seen one so black and pristine – not even a brand new one that's just been fitted.

With merely having one lesson with the students before exams, I am not particularly interested in giving a structured class, it's futile. So, when the break came I asked them to fire up the computer ready for my return so I could screen them something. I did notice at some point that there was no screen.

After the break it was a case of Oh, that's unusual, the blackboard is the screen! Different. But I couldn't find the computer! The students found it highly amusing. The “blackboard” was the computer!! I have no problem admitting I was stymied and had to demand assistance. I've never seen anything like it. The USB goes into the side and then you touch the blackboard, I suppose it's like a gigantic smartphone – which is another thing I can't use. What the hell happened to 16mm reel to reel projectors???

Jody had no classes today but wanted to go to campus to study. I think she's taking HSK and if she stays here she just watches films on her phone. So she decided to come with me early, we left at seven. Shortly after we set off if was a case of “Whoa! Not so fast!” Within a hundred yards I was struggling and she decided we should take a taxi to school. I haven't before because I don't know what to tell the driver. I can come back home but not go. I think tonight I will get her to send me a text with the address so I can show cabbies. Somehow I think from now on, if my mobility doesn't improve, I'll shell out. Either that or against my better judgement buy an e-bike or moped after summer. But quite apart from the fact the roads here are utterly bonkers, in winter it is so cold. If there was a way to organise a car to be there to meet me both ways when needed I would happily fork out a thousand yuan a month if it saved me the agony.

So after yesterday's fiasco with the classroom cock-up it happened again today. This time I had no inkling because the class I was due to meet I had never seen before, previously they were Eli's. It turned out my room had been commandeered for an exam but to be fair, my monitor did come and tell me five minutes before class that our room had changed – just for this week.

The good news is, our man in Shanghai reports that domestic travel restrictions here will possibly be relaxed shortly. However, he is very kindly shipping one of his old smartphones to me so maybe I can get the green light to escape Lanzhou in summer. Who knows, maybe even use that hotel stay in Xining at Dragon Boat? Jody said she will help me sort out what to do with the phone. I did express my dismay on learning I need to put a SIM card in it, my stupidphone only needs charging every fortnight, not daily as these so called “modern” devices do. Apparently she will also get me another SIM and I won't need to use the blessed thing unless I am on the move.

We never had these problems in the 70s and 80s.................

But then we never had Trump comparing himself to Winston either..........

Wednesday 3^rd June, 2020 1730

Coming home on the bus this afternoon where it turns left to go up towards BHG then turns right to Peili Square I saw words painted on the wall of a gym on the junction. I have seen them a hundred times or more.

“No Pain No Gain”

What prat thought that up?

All I'm getting is pain followed by more pain.

To be fair I did think a little practise might make things easier but I was wrong. My body feels really old now. Tesco, Kwik Fit, Amazon and Ebay don't stock replacements so I'm a little stuck with what I have. To think that ten years ago I came to this country as a pretty fit middle-aged fat bloke and now I have the spectres of walking sticks, wheelchairs, mobility scooters and zimmer frames staring me in the face, not exactly what I envisaged. Well, not this early, anyway. Mind you, I thought I'd be dead long before it came to that if truth be told.

So this afternoon I had one of those wonderful “welcome to China” cock-ups that no longer phase me. I went to my afternoon classroom after my morning class to have lunch and also to test some students finishing their second year. I have never met them before but they needed marks for first term results. You may ask why they needed testing for their freshman term when next term they will be juniors? They changed majors after term one and for some idiotic reason they need marks for every term in the major they will graduate in. A mere formality, I am hardly going to fail them retrospectively, am I?

Off they went happily and I went to the loo before starting on my cheese and tomato sandwiches. Yesterday I asked a student to call maintenance because there was a water leak from above dripping into the boys toilets. In itself no cause for concern but it was leaking into the ceiling light and dripping out of the lampshade!

Presumably the lad made the call and Bodgit & Fixit came to look and sorted the problem. They removed the shade so it couldn't fill and short the electrics. It was still merrily plop, plop, plopping away. Don't bother fixing the leak on the floor above!

Then at about 1400hrs loads of strange students came into the class, mostly boys. I was due to start testing my class at 1430 and I knew this wasn't a class I had taught last term and not one of my new ones. Very politely I told them they had the wrong room because 3103 was mine. Being Physics majors (there was a clue there) their English wasn't too hot but one showed me their timetable for an exam at the same time in the same room on his phone screen. Whoops, have I cocked up? No, I got out my old fashioned printed copy and sure enough, I was right. But so were the students!

I made a phone call. Consternation from upstairs. Ultimately I was left where I was and the other class (who had done nothing wrong, nor had their teacher) went elsewhere. As I was about to start the exams Jody came in to explain there had been a mistake. I said funnily enough I can see that. But I didn't hear her clearly through the ubiquitous mask and I am rather hoping she never said she made a mistake. Not that I could have changed anything but if it was her fault it will be another stick for the Two Bullies Dean Liu and Olga to beat her with. I will find out when she gets back.

Olga is a mythical Russian female Olympic weightlifter figure who as far as I know I have yet to encounter. Jody hates her, the Kiwi students hated her and apparently she is an ogress of the first water. If Liu is Adolf then she is Goering. I can't wait for either to try and bully me.......

Monday 1^st June, 2020 1800

I'm not sure how I feel today.

First day back “at” work today. And Jesus did the areas below my navel let me know about it. It wouldn't have been quite as bad but it was an over-lunchtime day so I was lugging laptop, lunch, drinks etc. I'm not sure if I am really old or whether sitting on my arse most of the time all year is at fault but either way I don't like it. I shall have to find some gentle activity to carry out in retirement because otherwise I will end up with one of those Raspberry Rockets with three wheels and being a grumpy old fart driving it.

Oh and the first class really started my day well. Thirty dead bodies wearing surgical masks. I could have been an overworked surgeon about to carry out mass post-mortems. And do you know what really pissed me off? OK, let me say they weren't English majors but every one of them has submitted oral recordings to me for the past three months so they can speak!

At lunchtime it was a building change which took me half an hour. Admittedly when I arrived at building four, rather than ascending to my room immediately I paused for a cigar seeing as the weather was nice.

And after my lunch and watching a bit of downloaded television it was time for a class of English majors. Hooray! You would think, anyway. To be honest, little better than the previous lot who at least had half an excuse.

I was heartily glad when it was time to waddle painfully back to the bus stop, which seems to recede further each time from the school. I have absolutely no appetite nor impetus to cook. What with Jody not coming home until after ten each night I have not been cooking properly – not that I have had much time. I think I am run down and need to make shepherds pie and beef stew and suchlike (which I could do at weekends but she won't eat it), proper food but there's no space in my little freezer. I may have to ditch stuff that's been in there forever to make room because I can't live on sandwiches, crackers and kiddie meals even though my intake is low. I've never really worried about my dietary regime until tonight because it has never caused a problem. It may not be the crux now but unless utter weariness is a new symptom of Covid, manifesting without a cough, fever or anything else then the only things it points to are food and/or inactivity for so long. Maybe practising walking will make it better!

Mental health is another thing entirely. Everyone has ups and downs and as I often tell my classes if life was eternally happy it would be boring. I've never been a depressive and before anyone sets The Samaritans on me I have no intention of starting now.

However the longer this nonsense drags on, draining the will of the people, the more dispirited I become at what I now perceive to be sledgehammers cracking eggs.

I posed the question in class today “had anyone travelled from another province to return to school?” Yes, one of the students had come back from Shandong. Did you have to quarantine for 14 days? No, she replied, puzzled. Have you got that green thing on your phone? Yes. Come and show me.

Well now I'm even more confused because it seemed she could simply tap in a city and get a green code for it without having been there! Apparently you have to fill out your details, go somewhere local where you live (I have no idea whether a hospital or the PSB) and they give you a green for where you are and then it's a game of Monopoly, mopping up as many houses as you can that are green! Oh, apparently it can be done in English but presumably with a degree in astrophysics to help you along with navigating the system.

So yes, my mental state at present is not good. Not that I have any intention of ending it all – sod that, I've endured far worse and won – I just despair over what I see as a complete buggeration over, let's face it, something we can't actually help and 3,700 people die on the roads every single day - which could be stopped.

And then the riots in Trumpland over George Floyd! We want Justice! Isn't firing the police involved and charging the guy that did it with murder justice? And bugger me, now they are copy-catting in the UK? What's that about?

I have long wondered what this world has been coming to (usually about PC crap and LGBTGPCS and whatever other initials they use) but right now I would like my own private tropical island with an air-conditioned hut, personal chef, well-stocked bar and no bloody internet.

Sorry for the rant but I can't be the only one who has been reasonable all along and who now thinks enough is enough?