Thursday 30^th April, 2020 2120

Forget the coronavirus dreams people are having. I have had them for three months now but they largely don't differ much from the ones I normally have anyway, most of which are not only strange but disturbing. Such is life.

The ones I hate the most are those when you are semi-conscious just trying to nod off or when you are in the awakening mode. For me those are crammed full of bloody HOMEWORK!

Give me an old-fashioned nightmare any day. Even on the rare occasion I actually clear my inbox, before I go to bed I can guarantee another one or two classes' worth will ping into my mailbox to be ready when I wake up and they always arrive before I shut down. I am sure that the more I mark the more classes I seem to have! Add to that the individual students who transgressed and wish to resubmit and it is like painting the Forth road bridge. Today I was up at five and had six classes seeking attention in my inbox. I have done four classes today and yet still have four clamouring for my attention tomorrow!

Now tomorrow is supposed to be the start of a five day holiday so unless more phantom classes appear I shall clear one, maybe two of them, then Jody and I are going to Metro, Burger King and Starbucks. Possibly on Saturday I will sweep the lot clean but I am not holding my breath. I may just get three days off. If I'm lucky.

We have agreed to go out with Deniro (not sure about wife and kid) for a meal on Saturday. I confess I am so jaded I lack any enthusiasm. Actually I have little vim for anything these days. Even just walking to the jing jo shop saw me limping because both hips rebelled. I hardly do any cooking these days either, I have been meaning to bake an apple pie for Jody for ages and now I may actually get the time I'm not sure I will move my backside to do it.

Ah well. Just when I was starting to make retirement plans life threw all of us a hand grenade! Maybe in two years when it happens there will be a slightly more normal life with more expensive airfares. Maybe the world will be a better place. I doubt it though.

Tuesday 28^th April, 2020 1445

I think the last time I had this many changes of orders was in 1979 aboard the Cape Grenville. She blew a turbocharger on one of the main engines shortly after leaving Marseille en route to Trinidad & Tobago. Faced with a transatlantic voyage on one engine the powers that be decided to fix it immediately. No spares were carried.

We spent the next couple of days chasing all over the eastern Atlantic for ports with airports big enough to handle a plane large enough to bring a new one from the manufacturers. And I spent them being constantly called to the bridge to re-plot a new course and ETA. Eventually we ended up in Las Palmas. This was before AIS, God knows what onlookers would have thought we were up to! I never did get to T&T – one for the bucket list!

I refer of course to the start date on campus. My fifth update was that we would begin on the 11^th May. That was a few days ago. Today my sixth update is that it will now be 18^th May! I don't know why they just can't be done with it and say come back in September! Ah well, the wages are still going into the bank so what the hell.

Jody has had one day off in three weeks, going to campus daily to attend to office nonsense and I think she's getting pig-sick of it. Yesterday she asked me if I was working every day this week. I thought the question slightly odd, she knows I have also worked every day but on my own terms and less hours. If I take a day off it just means I need to work longer the next couple of days.

She wants to go out on Thursday. Nowhere special, she wants to go and have coffee at Starbucks! She loves her coffee (and my Twinings tea) and she discovered that now it's warm, there are tables outside so I can smoke. I've been in Starbucks once in my life, I'm not sure they sell beer but it's near Burger King so I am in! We have an alleged five day holiday starting Friday so any backlog I can clear over the weekend.

I think there may be an avalanche of work anyway. I appear to have got to the bottom of the “grey lines” and lack of justification in the student essays. It would appear it's what happens when they do the work on their smartphones and send it to me. I end up with an extremely annoying pile of dung and eventually, after warnings and it not stopping, I refused to countenance marking them and gave them zero. Realising they probably never knew why it was happening either, I have relented and told them to redo the work properly and send it to me again. I try to be fair.

And yes, it's a lovely day outside even though this morning I ran my heater. I had intended to go to BHG but I am getting lazier as I age (maybe tomorrow), so went to the local place in shirtsleeves. I'm doing a salad tonight. I've bought a whole cooked chicken for the exorbitant sum of 48¥ (I had to inspect the head to see if it was in fact chicken – they couldn't understand “gee” - Chinese for chicken – or my clucking and quacking sounds) and as for trying to find out if it was barbecue flavour, forget it! Jody won't care what flavour, she'll probably just have the salad without any meat, cheese or boiled egg. Exciting.

I see today that Argentina has now prohibited all commercial flights until 1^st September and everyone is up in arms. I can understand the airlines of course but the thing is, ultimately everywhere else may end up doing likewise. I think “normal” will be a long time in returning.

Will anyone ever buy a season ticket again for trains or football clubs?

Sunday 26^th April, 2020 1800

An eventful day. It started with my being told today was a normal working day.

To be honest, I couldn't have given two hoots seeing as I have worked every bloody day since home schooling commenced on 2^nd March. But it was annoying that I had to find out from a house guest who “isn't here”. I had work to do this morning anyway, as usual my late Friday class emailed me their work at 1900 last night and I was damned if I was doing it then.

So today is Monday. Tomorrow is also Monday. Welcome to the world of Chinese school holidays! This also means that probably my non-birthday which falls on a Saturday will instead be a Tuesday. Confused? You're not the only one!

So I did all the work I ever intended to today by lunchtime. I had put off some things long enough. After a shower I went out to the pharmacy. Damned good job I always keep two or three months supply because one item they were out of and another they only had one pack. I can buy them elsewhere but the place I use is very local. I can last.

Then it was a trip underground. I wanted new trainers. I have had the current ones about a year and to be honest they have always been as hard as clogs. So now I have a new pair (try explaining your right foot is much larger than your left due to water retention when they keep offering left ones to try!) and then because she couldn't take my debit card I said I need some trousers.

Great down there if you are young and want track suit bottoms and the like but trying to find anything for an old fart?

These are specifically for summer and to be honest they are good and with decent quality pockets (always check the material they use for the pockets). But it was like Henry Ford country – any colour you want as long as it's black!

Well I had intended to get three pairs but I think maybe I will see if I can get a bit of variety or my students will think I'm either Steve Jobs or I only have one pair! My winter trousers are all black too.

So I have work sitting in my inbox but it can wait until tomorrow. The final assignment for the week after next has been set (thought I'd be mischievous and give them the Baron Belhaven accident clipping) and I will probably end up working through the holiday – what holiday?

Friday 24^th April, 2020 1400

Realising that if the school reopens and I nevertheless pressed ahead with my plans, it would mean Alice couldn't come, this morning I decided we could go next weekend during the Labour holiday. No conflict. Great idea?

Well it was until Brenda threw a bag of spanners into the works.

We would both need “healthy” certificates (she thought that would entail a hospital visit and full testing) and that it may also involve fourteen days quarantine in Xining and another fortnight on returning to Lanzhou!

So basically, despite everything “getting back to normal” I am nonetheless a prisoner in an admittedly large gaol.

The getaway has now been cancelled. I could probably get most, if not all, of the money already paid refunded but as the hotel informed us that the special deal we had been given will remain valid until 31^st December I agreed to keep it active.

The new plan (not that my plans ever go awry!) is now to sit with fingers crossed and hope that by Dragon Boat festival it will all be a distant memory and we can go then. If not, well, there's summer, mid-autumn, golden week etc. I may ultimately end up going alone, Alice will graduate and will doubtless enter the employment treadmill when she does.

In fact I don't even know now if I will actually be working on the day I had planned but now I need to try and figure out somewhere for a good meal. Burger King doesn't quite hold the allure, nor does a hotpot. I suppose there's always the Holiday Inn buffet. Or perhaps some Pot Noodles at home!

Ah well, at least I am enjoying more freedom than plenty of others elsewhere in the world – and horror of horrors! - I see South Africa has introduced Prohibition! It's a strange old world we now live in.

I read that schools are staggering lesson times so that canteens are not mobbed as they are normally and students maintain “social distancing” whilst eating. That's a laugh, unless they halve student numbers in the classroom (and by so doing doubling the number of lessons) there's no way it can happen in class!

Maybe I'll go to Sweden.......

Thursday 23^rd April, 2020 1730

Ok the wallowing of last night is over.

It was nothing that a night's sleep and rolling up the sleeves this morning couldn't cut down to size.

I have toiled all day listening to this week's oral topic of blood donation (believe it or not, the most successful topic I have set so far) and I have cleared three classes along with all the appeals for reappraisals. One class of written work sits now lurking in my folder, which I shall do in the morning.

Of course, before I go to bed tonight another two batches of written assignments will plonk down but at least it means I can probably mop everything up by close of play on Saturday.

Janet from the little campus texted earlier asking me where I was because she was near my home. We had a bizarre conversation though my kitchen window, she wearing a mask, me not. Her rumour was that maybe the school will reopen on May 9^th.

I said I sincerely hoped not because I wouldn't be here! I will be in Xining! They can bugger off, I'm not starting on a Saturday and the 11^th is fine but not before. I ain't going to get a Labour holiday like everyone else so I shall be taking mine a week later. Anyway, the weekend is paid for now.

Alice in Guangzhou is very happy now, she has finally connected to my new VPN (You can connect up to six devices and I only have my laptop) so she has access to the world for free until March 2023 even if I peg out.

Today's work blitz has meant no shower, no jing jo shop, nothing. So instead of the roast pork dinner I fancied, tonight will be bacon, eggs and fried bread. My diet's not seeing any benefit from working at home!

Stop press: Just now Brenda emailed to say she was delighted to say that I will be invited to stay here next year and also to hold off on my travel plans until she knows the Leaders' advice next week.

If they do in fact reopen that weekend they may, due to the Labour holiday, consider Saturday and/or Sunday as normal working days. I said I have had enough of slaving away here week after week, I have paid for everything now and I intend to spend my 64^th birthday in 5 star luxury. Sod it. If ten weeks of my setting assignments from here were ok before, then another day, maybe two, when for once I am absent, can hardly matter, particularly if I set assignments anyway. Time for some give in the give and take relationship methinks – it's not as if I am mutinying!

Wednesday 22^nd April, 2020 2155

I've had enough of this.

Not the lockdown, we don't really have one now. Not even really the working from home bit.

Maybe I am fed up with my own work ethos.

Today I cleared my “To Be Done” inbox completely. Started watching Crossing Lines series one and emails started coming in. Students who had received no marks for completely sending the wrong homework, could I have a look at their new work? Ok, I'm not made of stone. But bugger it, it can wait. Right now I am scared to look at that folder. There was only one class yesterday but I think by now there are four classes plus pleadings piled up!

Even if I work flat out all day I can only do three classes and to be honest I am suffering fade-out, after two I have no appetite.

And talking of appetite, I haven't cooked a proper meal for a fortnight. Toasted sandwiches and crappy cheap hotpots from around the corner that make me fart all day are not what I need.

The problem here is I am not Chinese enough. A Chinese teacher would do what they could and leave the rest for another day. As for me, it plays on my mind even though I know I can never clear it. I flaming dream about homework now!

Well, at least soon we have the Labour day holiday. No idea whether it will work or not but I am going to ask my classes to do the assignments set for after it over the holiday. I will work during the holiday because I am taking the following weekend off. That way I may just get a free weekend after the holiday.

The Alice from here and I will be having a luxury weekend away from Friday 8^th until Sunday afternoon. I know I said I might not but I really do need a break, even if I end up doing a bit of work. We have a suite paid for and my promised free upgrade to breakfasts (so I can have English style ones!) and free evening drinks has materialised courtesy of Nancy Liu. Said upgrade because of the problem we had in October when the government commandeered the hotel and ruined my plans, meaning we went to see the pandas in Chengdu instead. It's a great hotel (Sofitel) and I really need a break. I doubt I would need to in the UK, I would just be piling on the cholesterol with Indian, Chinese and fish and chip deliveries but no such luxury here. Sod it, including train tickets it's ¥1200 plus our dinners. They have a Brazil BBQ place that just stuffs you with meat (Alice will be in heaven) and on the 9^th next door there is a western restaurant I have yet to try.

I really need to go and buy some summer trousers though even though it's still cold here. I keep looking at my bank balance and wondering how my savings got so low. Then I remember I just spent ¥3000 on cigars!

Plenty of readers will not have the same freedoms I have right now and believe me, I along with 1.4 billion others were there before you so we know what it is like. It won't last forever. We will all emerge, not necessarily better or wiser but we will emerge. Some countries are tackling this better than others but who am I to comment?

Looking forward to your next holiday abroad? Plan for 2021!

And I am desperately seeking a backscratcher now I broke my old one....

Sunday 19^th April, 2020 1515

Oh my Lord, it's blatantly obvious that many people in other countries are becoming bored in lockdown. Facebook has now become even more intolerable than it was when the Brexit Blusterers were in full swing. Now all you see are misleading posts about the virus, people taking “impossibly hard” quizzes that defy anyone to get more than 7 out of 10 right – and getting 10/10 so they must be Einsteins – people finding out which film star the would have been, which animal they were in another life and now I have someone appearing in every third post with The Soundtrack To His Life! If I want someone slinging songs at me I will hire a DJ and throw a party! Why can't people be content with binge-watching Downton Abbey or Killing Eve?

Another thing I am getting tired of is being fed different dates for returning to campus. We have gone from two weeks ago to last week to September and now mid-May.

I'm not sure how I feel. The constant checking homework is starting to grate, in fact I have started doing a few, watching something on iPlayer or ITV Hub etc and then pausing at the adverts to do a few more. Sitting marking for four or five hours solid has lost its attraction and is in fact becoming rather a chore.

I just marked one class' essays. I thought it would be a good idea to get them to write a news article about something they heard of or witnessed or were part of. The stipulation was that it should not be written in the first person. A reasonable task I thought? I estimate half the students submitted entries using I, my, our, me etc! And I still have another class to look at who had that particular task. It may be a blessed relief to get back into class after all.

But not before mid-May though. I am toying with the idea of a weekend break. Nothing special, not too far away, just a nice hotel with western breakfasts and dinners, somewhere to break the monotony. And I can do that by leaving at noon on a Friday, something I wouldn't be able to on campus. I haven't made my mind up yet though, it would be a couple of thousand spent which I was saving towards summer. But then it looks as though it will be a case of “What summer?”!

We are supposed to be getting a sandstorm here on Thursday. Looking out of my window I think it has possibly already started. No doubt I shall find out in a little while. I am going out shopping for pastries and goodies from Metro and of course something in Burger King for my dinner. Last time I had their fish thing which turned out to be three fish fingers in a bun (with sauce and stuff of course) so as BHG haven't had any for yonks it reminded me to check for them in Metro. I miss Cap'n Birdseye!

Well you can do so much with fish fingers, can't you? Butties, with chips, mash and parsley sauce and now it seems, burgers.

1820

In order to avoid anything with underdone streaky bacon I ordered a Big King thing that had cheese in it. Bloody expensive at 62¥ but when it arrived they had given me a portion of nuggets as well! Jesus, I can't even finish the burger and chips let alone a freebie! Why can't they just lower the damned price?

Metro was more or a less a waste of time. No fish fingers. I did get tinned tomatoes (yes, not easy to find here), some chocolate and when I went to the bakery there were no turnovers of any flavour. Croissants and egg tarts it had to be.

I did though go and look in the lobster tank. An Auntie tried to convince me to buy one but let's face it, I'm like most people – a hypocrite. I am quite happy eating my beef chicken, pork etc but I really don't want to kill it. Maybe one day some poor lobster will have my name on it and I will freeze it for an hour before plunging its head into boiling water but not just yet.

Oh, and when I left to go downtown I was walking towards the security gate when I suddenly realised that yet again I had forgotten my mask. I'd never have made a surgeon. At the exact moment, Mr Zhang and his wife were walking in the opposite direction. They very kindly gave me a mask, confirmed that the plan was a mid-May opening and went on. I forgot to ask if I was being sacked in summer!

Friday 17^th April, 2020 1945

Not a rant this time. Well, not much of one!

I have just finished marking a classes essays. It's all I have done all day. I have another class in my inbox and another will probably ping at me in the morning. I can do one a day over the weekend if I choose.

But today's class efforts were submitted by sophomores (second year students) and by and large they were dreadful. The propensity for writing in Chinglish I can fully understand although it would require completely rewriting their essays to correct them. But the spelling mistakes? I have a Chinese laptop and it has a spellchecker! So theirs do also! It seems they want to do as little as they possibly can and send it off complete with idiotic mistakes.

Two submissions today were blatantly copied and pasted. Photographs from inside high schools that have opened up to allow students to prepare for the Gaoka, or college entrance exam – a vital milestone in Chinese academic life.

Well who took the pictures, seeing as parents, friends and relatives are not allowed in, only students? Oh, reporters maybe. Chinese reporters too and even then there were errors! The biggest mistake made by two students? They left the caveat “WARNING! DISTRESSING CONTENT!” at the head of their supposed essays! There was no distressing content unless pictures of kids keeping a yard apart queueing for food in the cafeteria or having their temperature taken turns your stomach.

I have now told them that the longer this goes on the greater the impact of their homework will be on their final grade for end of term. Some seem to think they are brilliant for spending two minutes finding something, any old thing, to send to me and then going back to League of Legends or whatever garbage occupies them online. I could have said nothing and let them continue as is but they have now been given fair warning.

If this goes on as I think, it will take me a fortnight to collate all the marks but the mark they will get will be their average and there will be no quarter shown. Well, the pass mark is 60% so maybe 58-59 might get a nudge but the rest? I am buggered if I will set them a formal exam from home now if they cannot take it as seriously as I am.

I see now Beijing has increased the official death toll from the virus. It was not a cover up. Of course not. Even their most ardent of supporters must have had suspicions when it levelled out at thirty-three hundred while the rest of the world dropped like flies sprayed with Rentokil! Another six-figure upgrade coming soon?

With all the “scientific” evidence we have been bombarded with (definitely animal-borne etc) I really hope that world suspicions about a lab escape are wrong. Or do I?

Thursday 16^th April, 2020 2310

Yes, late again. I have just finished marking. I could have left the last class until tomorrow but then two more popped up in my inbox. Admittedly, one of those classes has managed to be by now sending me week 8 assignments (which are next week!) so I don't mind them being keen. Shows they have a good monitor. They are a week ahead.

But sometimes I hate computers. Today I scoured my laptop for signs that I had actually set next week's assignments and could not and still cannot find any trace. So I set a new one, only to cause confusion with the monitors who already had week 8! I'm buggered if I can find it and so now I have had to spend the evening telling them yes, I'm a pillock (and remember there's no shame in that if you are ever back in a classroom with me – doubtful – and having to rename it week 9. )

Now, that particular topic was the Moscow plane crash with video from May last year. Every damned link I sent them they said they couldn't open!

Ok, I use a VPN and they don't but I was beginning to think the only news they could get was from China Daily! Even Dean Delia said she couldn't open it, could I copy the article. No!!!! There's a video they need to watch!

So just now I disabled my VPN and became just like them. Mirror and Telegraph links both worked! I mean really, do they expect me to run newspaper reading classes just using China bloody Daily?

I will have to remember to find my links when my force shield is down in future though, it seems so many options are blocked here.

Still no official confirmation as to whether we will be back on campus this term or whether I am staying another year. The former I have now posed to Delia, the latter clearly Brenda has forgotten about. I hate asking either of them questions in emails because they usually phone me! I don't like phone calls! Well not here, anyway. One, my home often kills the signal and two, they are Chinese and it is hard to understand them. I think my aversion to phone calls was born in the UK with the marketing calls that plague everyone. I get the occasional one here and most are instantly recognisable because they are patently recorded and start “Wei nihao!”. You simply hang up. On the odd occasion it is a real person so the response is do you speak English? End of.

Well, no real rant this time, no talk about the V word (I'm getting bored of that now it's become so common) and I am tired. Two classes of essays to mark tomorrow and if I read my timetable correctly, just one more class of essays to arrive for me to mark on Saturday. Or Sunday, Or Monday if I choose.

I am mulling over have a weekend break in three weeks, the week after the Labour Holiday. I may ask the students if they can possibly do my work in their off days (well they will be home anyway!) so I can hoover it up by the morning of Friday 8^th, allowing me to sod off until Sunday night. We shall see.

Monday 13^th April, 2020 2200

I was lambasted on Facebook a few days ago for posting what was admittedly something designed to provoke a reaction. As a social experiment it was interesting. In the new “woke” society, apparently I was being insensitive. Forget about the point I was making, don't even think about figuring it out, simply automatically take umbrage. No matter what you say these days, no matter how kind, someone somewhere will be offended. I am offended daily as are most of you but like you, I do only rarely admit to it. This world - well the western, so called developed bit of it – is becoming intolerable. You can't call someone a fat bastard any more! It offends fatties. So by rights I should have been offended my entire life..... ah well.

I now see proof of something someone posted on FB regarding black Africans being turfed out of their homes in Guangzhou a few days back and subsequently read in China Daily that all foreigners are treated equally as well as Chinese citizens. If the Shanghaist is posting this

https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fshanghaiist.com%2F2020%2F04%2F13%2Feven-mcdonalds-is-now-turning-away-black-customers-in-guangzhou%2F%3Ffbclid%3DIwAR3GrDztpNLMzgikO-H92knsqDs__du-xkIt0o7uZf6XTnHDucAC9clUZEA&h=AT1LJ6GDDJE-8EgIZw8IMUoBVSfRrWhvM5SOJZ1XhXq0xdNl4Vhjc3XYmlpEJq7DuI_qkAgIu26BnRo3KCVc1R4cCj6ClN4OVytY-qyTXBclRP6RfoeusAxmPiTvlbOAiII

and I see the same on the BBC website then I tend to believe. Utterly disgraceful to be sure but then is that any worse than the thugs in the UK taking it out on east Asians earlier? Who is to judge?

And then we come to the latest virus figures which affect everyone. I have always defended China against anything I thought unjust or untrue. I am no expert in everything sino-related of course and can only relate to what I see or don't see.

I find the recently reported figures for new cases and deaths in China somewhat questionable. To be sure, where I am we have been relatively unscathed but the reports of TCM achieving what amounts to miracles definitely smacks of porkies to me. I am no fan of TCM, as far as I can see all it does is make you want to vomit when you drink it and on the very odd occasion I have been given it, nothing by way of an alleviation of the condition has occurred. All it did was lighten my wallet.

But anyway, I rejoice in never having to suffer the restrictions that have been imposed elsewhere. Yes I moaned about everywhere being closed but never once was I prevented from leaving home – not that there was anywhere to go bar the supermarket! I'm not a virologist but I'm not an idiot. I knew it would migrate but never to the extent it has. And do you know, I'm not sure closing borders would have done any good regardless of whenever that happened.

Anyway, enough of the virus, I have been trying not to talk about it.

No official news for me yet that I will not be in a classroom this term but I will force their hand this week. I cannot think of a way to stop the oral classes cheating so I will ask if the school will be happy for me to “guess” their marks for the final exam. That would send a shiver down some spines, to be sure!

One of today's classes emailed me and said their teacher (as if they only have one but the monitor meant their form teacher) had set them homework (HOMEWORK??? It's ALL homework!) and could they send mine tomorrow. Having only just cleared last week's I said it was fine but would they please tell their teacher to have a care for the foreign bugger. In light of this I will be emailing all the deans to educate their teachers that this term my marks can decide whether students graduate or not. I am long since tired of Chinese teachers of English thinking they take precedence over someone who actually speaks the lingo perfectly. I am not second class.

Oh dear, this turned into a bit of a rant and yes it was. I am working every single day the best I can and I see or hear of others doing next to nothing. That's fine. They have their Masters degrees and can do as they please. This person who cannot possibly be a teacher because he has no degree but has masqueraded as one for a decade actually does the work. I am earning my money this term.

Ok so on to brighter things. Or maybe not!

Summer holiday ain't going to happen and anyway I would be shit-scared I wouldn't be let back in if I went anywhere else.

But just maybe I can holiday in China. Again.

If Joanna is still up for it – no guarantee – then I thought perhaps offering a choice of a night or two in Yancheng followed by a five day Yangtse cruise and a couple of days in Chongqing OR a few nights in Guilin, a few in Nanning and a day trip to Yangmei. I may be dreaming though.

Wherever you are, obey the guidance please. I did. I have a cough but that's from having the time to smoke too many cigars! Keep safe!

Saturday 11^th April, 2020 1400

Yesterday, despite her not wishing to, Jody went to campus. There was a meeting of all the teachers. Well, I put my hand up and she changed that to Chinese teachers! Not that I particularly want to go to their interminable and to my mind pointless meetings but I felt the point should be made.

To date the meetings have been conducted by way of online conferences so I suspected this one may just be a trifle different. Apparently it was still the usual prevarication and time wasting that always goes on but when she returned she had a little nugget for me.

May the 11^th students will return to campus. But only the seniors, the ones who are graduating this term. Ok, so when are the freshmen and sophomores coming back? After the summer holidays! So I will be teaching from home the rest of the term? Yes.

I have had nothing officially as yet (what's new, the foreign teachers normally have to find out from the students anyway?) but she's not what I'd call a prankster so I am minded to believe her.

Now, don't get me wrong. I checked my timetable earlier and to my amazement discovered I am actually dealing with eleven classes now! Ok, some of them I only have every second week but that now elevates the student numbers to nearer 400 than 300. That would explain why, after I cleared my “To Be Done” special marking email folder yesterday, hoping to leave two classes to mark over the weekend, I now have three! Seeing as I am taking today “off” that means all day tomorrow working and bang goes my free Monday morning and afternoon.

When I said don't get me wrong it was because I am not whingeing. In fact despite the hugely increased workload I am actually quite getting used to this working from home lark. I get to decide not only my hours but my days. I have cut them down as to the length of essays and recordings and my speed reading has improved no end!

Having already come up with a plan for the end of term essays, I now find myself faced with another dilemma. How in the hell do I test the oral students in such a way that they can't cheat? At this moment I am clueless. My normal procedure is one on one and I spring an unannounced topic so they have to think on their trotters. Well, that's not going to be possible. I can't go live video chat with them even if they had Skype, which most of them don't. Say, three hundred students at a conservative eight minutes each plus a rushed two minutes to evaluate each one? Three thousand minutes is fifty solid hours and also I would need to conduct the tests according to the rota. That is never going to happen even if they offer me money!

So my quandary is how to not only prevent them from cheating (because they will have plenty of time to think about what would under normal circumstances be an impromptu thing) and conferring with classmates. The latter is easily solved. I can compile a list of questions totalling 35 and whatever their student number is decides their question. Plus classes do not speak to each other. I have decided I cannot get impromptu responses and as I typed I just came up with probably the best solution. On the day of their exam they need to visit the Mirror website. Ok I know! Trouble is, so few UK papers aren't blocked in China!

According to their student number, they respond to whatever article. Number one gets the headline, two gets Boris and the poor sods further down the list get the Beckhams sharing precious photos of family isolation in their mansion which is the size of Lichtenstein or Rita Ora (who the hell is she?) flashing her arse in her back garden. So far though, it's the best I could come up with so at least they don't have too long to cheat (entries will need to be in my inbox on the day of the paper and I will set a time per class). The entire exercise is going to be a waste of time of course whatever I do!

So we have been to BHG for the monthly necessities. I believe some UK police forces would have issued me with a fine for buying non-essential goods – which I would most certainly NOT have paid. Three boxes of wine is more of an essential to someone of my persuasion than a bloody tin of baked beans! If the police in the UK make a habit of that load of ball bearings then they will get short shrift in equally short order I am sure. They'll be saying tobacco products are non-essential next.

Someone is napping right now and will be woken soon. Nearly time to go and get my swag of non-essential cigars! And then Metro for sweet treats, a litre of cream (going to make smoked salmon and dauphinoise potato bake tomorrow) and then Burger King! I will lay odds she won't have more than nuggets (she caved and had three day old rice fried with some veg earlier) so it may be time for me to check out the King Fish burger, as long as she can explain I want a slice of cheese in it. Waiting for her to try it first is like waiting for an appointment with a UK GP.

Thursday 9^th April, 2020 2030

So I had my long-overdue haircut. Having worn my spectacles to get there, when I took them off I could hardly see anything in the mirror so he could have done anything and I wouldn't have known. But then, what damage can you do when I virtually ask for it to be shaved?

At home later, Jody came back when I was in the kitchen and asked how my day was. Busy, I replied. What? You said you wouldn't have much marking? I hadn't. But I showed my face. Ohhh! You had your hair cut! She exclaimed. So cool! Cool?? I just think I look bald with my fine white hair. But I am happy, the shampoo bill has reduced slightly (she uses enough for three people) and more importantly I feel more comfortable.

The chop suey? It was ok I suppose but I couldn't do it justice, my upper front gum had inflamed yet again and of course the vegetables were slightly on the firm side. She liked it enough to have it last night as well though while I had leftover mince'n'tatties.

No sign of campus opening for business on the 20^th (I have always said their dates have been optimistic and they keep getting pushed back) and now the rumour is maybe mid-May. Maybe. I suppose I'd better ask if the school are going to fire their last remaining foreign teacher at the end of term – looks as though they may have lost all their foreign students! At least I will know if I have another 12 month contract. However for the first time in a decade, regardless of my age, I am now a commodity in demand!

Anyway, I sent a text to my new best friend Xao Gao. She's the English speaking girl at China Tobacco. Do you have any more Wang Guan cigars yet and if so, how many? From the fat foreigner.

They do indeed. Three thousand of them!

Half that number would suffice until next term. But then I remembered the six months I spent buying cigars at double or treble the price which made me cough incessantly. It took me ten seconds to ask her to reserve the lot for me and I would be in to buy them this weekend. So yes, I have done some panic buying of my own – but for something no bugger else wants! A bit like buying up all the Tofu in a UK Tesco.

So that will be me sorted for smokes until Christmas or the new year. I already have a thousand still here from last time. Happy days.

I am still trying to save for whatever summer holiday I may salvage out of this, even if it is once again confined to China. However, I do need perhaps three pairs of summer trousers, my current ones are between six years old or brought with me a decade ago when I came here from the UK. And I seriously need an expensive and bouncy pair of trainers so the Chinese currency pot will doubtless diminish slightly this month. The UK parachute does though continue to grow, slowly but relentlessly.

I finally managed to top up my electricity this morning and lo and behold the mail room was open too. One letter from the bank. Change of terms. Usually straight for the bin but this time it may have been good news.

Until now, withdrawing cash from an ATM abroad (outside the EU) meant the Visa rate was applied, then a 2% cash charge, then a 2.75% currency conversion charge and later a non sterling transaction charge. So for every £100 I withdrew in cash it cost me £5 and if I paid for a flight or hotel, £3 for every hundred I forked out – usury. If I am reading it right the only charge now is going to be the Visa exchange rate (which is never the XE rate) and 2.75%. If I am correct that is excellent news, however I will email the bank to check.

I can't get one of those Revolut or Wetransfer cards due to my address so I am waiting for Currensea to strike a deal with my bank. Not that important right now but it will be in two years.

Monday 6^th April, 2020 1515

With a day off suddenly having become a rare commodity lately (barring one recording that kept coming up with Error 404 and which the monitor kept sending alternates today), sloth has so far ruled the day.

Having been reduced to a trickle of water from lunchtime yesterday until sometime this morning (I had set my alarm for seven to get a shower before the planned shut down at eight this morning) I woke up in the night for my elderly loo visit, checked the water and it was still a trickle. I considered cancelling the alarm but didn't and was rewarded with a nice shower when it went off. Someone else decided she knew better and that yesterday was in fact the shutdown. She won't be getting a shower now until 1800!

I was going to go shopping and afterwards get a haircut. As I said, sloth rules. I did go shopping but maybe the haircut will happen tomorrow morning – no work will arrive before the afternoon. I told Jody that tonight I will make mince and potatoes. I explained there would be plenty of vegetables in it but she insisted if she was going to eat she only wanted the vegetables! Try explaining to someone so stubborn that you can't separate things in mince and potatoes! Her choice later, if not she can toast some of the brown bread we bought for yesterdays prawn sandwiches but I simply need meat, I cannot eat vegetarian or pescatarian all the time!

I also told her tomorrow I will try to make chicken chop suey and I will keep the chicken for myself. She never said a word and that surprised me because there is no such dish in China. It's something the Mercan Chinese invented. I hope it works because for a change I have actually found bean sprouts.

I'm not going to dwell in depth on The Virus, not a lot of point now we shared it with everyone else and you all know what it has been like here for three and a half months. However, it does beggar belief when I read that because it was a warm day yesterday, many of the British public decided to ignore official requests/rulings and flocked to public parks. Do the Corona Morona (yes Keith, that's all my own work!) not realise? Can they not see that when they were asked before to be sensible and they weren't, they were responsible for more harsh measures to be taken and this will only bring even stricter rules?

It's funny. To be honest it gave me fodder for a week of assignments when I asked for essays on the students' thoughts on the difference between the people in China and the UK during the crisis. I gave them links to UK papers showing empty supermarkets, old people and paramedics standing forlornly, unable to to buy simple basics.

Many of them wrote as to how they felt so sorry for those who couldn't get supplies. More than a few labelled the British as “naughty”, which I thought kind and they were utterly mystified as to why, when their government had assured them the supply chain was fine, they still behaved differently to the stereotypical view they held previously that all British people were gentlemen/women. I have been telling them thus for a decade but they never believed me. Perhaps now they do.

But do you know, not one of them referred to them as arseholes. Had anyone done so, no matter how bad the essay, for that one they would have been awarded 10/10!

So anyway, outside it has warmed up but of course not in here. I learnt three years ago why there is no air conditioner in here! It's actually a bit disconcerting. I'm freezing and have to use the heater so go out with a big jacket on only to find that I only need my little fleece or a jumper.

At least the electricity auntie has long since stopped berating me for using so much power, no, she just tops me up with another 1,000 Kw/h each time. I may use a lot of electric but £40 of gas does me for a year so although I can, I don't bother claiming the money from the school.

Last night, which was lunchtime in the UK, my brother who sings in a band went live on Facebook, streaming his singing to anyone who tuned in. His way of livening things up on a lockdown Sunday. Sadly my internet was too slow to listen for long but plenty of comments suggested many people were enjoying it. He is also an NHS volunteer for collecting prescriptions and delivering them to people. One of my sisters is a carer for OAPs (recently spent four days visiting every supermarket in the area trying to get toilet rolls for her old people – now probably labelled as a panic buyer).

The funny thing is, nobody needed to do those things here. You wanted loo roll you bought some. You wanted medicine you went out and bought that. Can you imagine 1,400,000,000 people doing the “British” thing???!!!

Ok so I did dwell a bit, apologies but my thoughts simply flow down into my fingers and I get them out before I forget what I was going to say these days.

Sunday 5^th April, 2020 2130

So, all the men out there know that if a woman wants to do something or you to do something, she will prevail in the end. The trip I agreed to make today was indeed as she wanted, yesterday. I by then had two classes of homework awaiting marking but abandoned them.

So off we went on our “trip”. Where do you want to go first, Metro or Burger King? Metro.

She wanted to buy breakfasts and by that I mean strawberry turnovers. So all we bought were 8 strawberry, 8 apple turnovers and a madeira cake for me. Then we set off for Burger King.

And that was when the trip turned into a TRIP. Yes, my all too familiar party piece. Was it my own fault? I don't think so but you judge. They have kids things in the middle of the thoroughfare such as little prize machines and a battleground for remote control tanks. Around the perimeter there are electric cars that do about 1mph which parents can hire and let the kids drive.

Anyway, just after the tank battle site there is some sort of machine with toys in it and being electrically powered it needs a supply. But oh no, it's not buried beneath the flooring, it's a cable running across the floor. It is under a metal sleeve that is taped to the floor, except yesterday the leading edge was away from the floor and as I walked over it, instead of merely avoiding it, the front of one of my shoes caught the upraised metal.

I am old, top heavy and front-heavy. It was like something straight out of an old black and white Charlie Chaplin or Keystone Kops film.

Nobody wants to go down, least of all me because getting up again is something best achieved with the help of a 1T SWL crane and so I did my best to remain on my feet.

To me it seemed like a rather ungracious ballet that lasted a full minute. I was fully aware of Jody exclaiming, horrified, Steve! One hand on my upper arm would have saved me but no, it was not to be. The short but mighty oak was felled.

On this occasion no damage was done because I landed straight on my belly so there was no pain other than to my dignity. And this is the measure of the human race (or at least my little segment of it), I was aware my plastic Iced Tea bottle in which I disguise my jing jo had fallen out of my jacket pocket and so before even attempting to rise to my feet I put it back where it belonged! In America I could have probably sued for millions.

Anyway. Finally tonight I cleared the decks. I have tomorrow off! Which would be great except the water went off here at noon so no shower today and it is scheduled to be off from 0800-1800 tomorrow. We have water now but I could pee faster. If they don't improve the flow tonight then I will fester in my own uncleanliness tomorrow. I am damned if I am paying for a hotel. At least I could fill the buckets so we can flush the toilets. If it's yellow let it.....

Saturday 4^th April, 2020 1530

Lately I have been weary in the early evening. I'm not one for taking siestas so instead I have actually been going to bed sometimes as early as 2200 and naturally waking up correspondingly early.

The central heating is now off and it is cold in here until the fan heater warms it up.

So this morning I was doing some work and at ten o'clock I jumped out of my skin when the air raid sirens went off. I immediately – rather too immediately as it turns out – pounced on Facebook denouncing the “practice” as in poor taste given the situation.

A couple of minutes later our Shanghai correspondent replied to inform me it was the start of a three-minute silence in honour of the Covid martyrs. Everyone knew. Except me. I'm not on Chinese social media, I'm sure there was nothing in China Daily yesterday and it seems as though I may have read it too early this morning for the report to have appeared. Jody, I found out, knew about it but had singularly failed to tell me. When I thanked her and told her I had just made a prat of myself on Facebook she thought it highly amusing.

Half an hour ago I finished marking everything in my inbox. I then made mistake number two of the day. Jody wants to go to Metro and said she'd like to go today. I said I've just finished all my work so if you can wait we will go tomorrow, that's if a late class doesn't send me more work. She has got the hots for their strawberry turnovers and I love the apple variety. Usually here the puff pastry has a nasty taste (I don't think they use butter) but these are delicious. Plus I get another Whopper dinner!

I then returned to my office and as I sat down, sure enough I had tempted fate because yes, you guessed it, another email full of homework pinged into my email! I may get it done today but if not it will have to wait. There will be no work winging its way to me on Monday as it is a holiday and I have ensured that my classes abide by it! The weather is supposed to warm up by then so just maybe it will be haircut time.

Thursday 2^nd April, 2020 2200

Just finished marking an oral class And because the little shits earlier in the week couldn't read I now have three classes sitting malevolently in my “To Be Done” Gmail folder for tomorrow which will be joined by another two at least before Friday is done. Yes, I am now behind. Stop press – now 5 classes waiting with two to follow. Heaven.

This weekend is Qing Ming or Tomb sweeping festival. A bit like a UK bank holiday this year as the holiday is Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Not for me. I am rapidly suffering from fade out through listening to two hundred responses to the topic of the week and emending about 130 on another topic. I am finding two classes a day do my head in and attempting three is tempting self-harming. Ergo I reckon I will be working right through.

Is it woe is me? Not at all. I am still on the payroll. Others in the world right now are not so fortunate. My problems pale in comparison.

I am pleased to report that apart from the drunken arsehole (who, being Chinese had probably had two beers in contrast to my constant imbibing since awakening – well I can do that without fear working from home!) - I have nothing to suggest racism is occuring against westerners in this city. Actually I think they are more surprised to find one still here in fact.

Yesterday being April Fool's Day, although it is not normally my thing I was tempted but decided in the interests of taste to decline. I nearly instead sent Jody a text to ask her to order me two new devices on Taobao that cost ¥1,000 each, one for each of us. They are worn like a wristwatch and prevent you catching the bug. The fictional new device is called BonCovi.

But I didn't.

I have to say having Jody here has been great. There have been a couple of times when she has flared up, for no good reason in my mind but what man understands women? By and large it has been like being married I think. Never having been blessed or cursed (depending on your experience) myself, I reckon it is pretty authentic. We are here, speak to each other very little and do our own thing. Tell me if I am wrong?

Anyway, for the non-HMSC readers I would now like to introduce you to a friend of mine. Not an internet “friend” but a REAL friend. Not my longest-standing friend, but my oldest friend. He is my favouritest old person in the world. I checked his Facebook account but couldn't find his age, although I won't be more than a year out if I say he is 95 or approaching that.

I am 64 next month but I would sit down with him right now, have a pint and a natter and we would be equals. A nicer man I have yet to meet.

Anyway, I don't want to embarrass him, the reason for my mentioning him is that he features in a video advertisement for the Royal Alfred Seafarers Society which is an organisation that looks after aged old salts. Geoffrey moved there a couple of years ago and loves it and if I ever do get back to Blighty (this year looks buggered) I want to plan to dump my companion with my sister for the day and get him drunk!

So, for all of you moaning about no toilet roll, having to stay home and all the other inconveniences you are suffering not so silently – watch this!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cW8f28UYOuM