Tuesday 30^th March, 2021 1720

Ok so it wasn't ninety minutes but it was before she got home.

Things I hate about Scotland:

1. Haggis

2. Scotch

Things I love about Scotland:

1. Square sausage

2. Morning rolls

3. Scenery

4. Their rugby team!

I had completely forgotten they were playing France, not that I would have stayed up even if capable for an 0400 kick off. In fact I am heartily glad I never stayed up to watch it. I would have had palpitations. I know that because I watched it on catch-up and even though I knew the result, right to the death I was convinced Scotland had lost! So my little £30 wasted punt returned £255 and for once on the 6 Nations I returned a profit – no thanks to England.

I am reliably informed the Chinese covid jab, although in two doses, is to be given at four week intervals. I did wonder because if they were to give the first in June and it was a twelve week job then the second dose would be next term. It will be interesting to see what effect, if any, it will have on international travel in the future. I ain't doing quarantine when it involves no smokes or booze – if I want that I'll commit a serious crime and go to prison, at least the room is free and by all accounts the food better! Plus I don't think I could possibly appear attractive to any of the “bull dykes” these days!

The jing jo shop has rather inconveniently been closed for the past four days, meaning I am having to go further afield for my needs. There's a sign on the shop door but of course it's in Chinese. They have only ever closed for one day in five years and that was for a son's wedding so I am wondering if the Dad's father has passed. He is/was rather elderly and had a major stroke last year.

I had a rather odd taxi driver on the way home tonight. He tried to spark up a conversation and I said “di boo chee, I only speak English” and he gave up. Instead, he then proceeded to have conversations with himself in between breaking into a song where the only words were “guan tian” - which was my destination! At least he got me here.

I was thinking about legs today.

No nothing naughty, just about how they give out as you age. You know, getting up off the loo is a struggle, let alone walking. Today in class I was sat at a desk at the front of what resembled a debating society (which was my class) and when it came for break – and cigar – time, I had to use my arms on the desk to help myself get up! Ok the chair was low but..........Stannah, anyone?

So this weekend is Qing Ming or Tomb Sweeping festival. Jody was going home but they asked her to work and I in turn asked her to spend three hours shopping with me. China Tobacco has eleven months' supply of cigars in one box (5,500) for me to collect so I shall need some help. Then it will be a burger visit and Metro so I shall blow a month's wages in one afternoon! It's actually quite a good feeling to be able to do that!

 

Friday 26^th March, 2021 1800

I am exhausted at the end of a week I am glad to see the back of.

Wednesday morning I discovered that for the first time in eleven years of teaching I had lost my course book. I knew where I must have left it, room 3116. Inconvenient in that on Wednesday I teach in building four but I could still go to the classroom in building three to retrieve my book and have time for a quick cigar before class.

Of course, you need to factor me into the equation. After the fiasco with the taxi driver the night before I managed to get one who took me to the wrong gate. It happens very occasionally but it means a detour back to where I actually want to go – that or a sodding long walk from the new gate and walking is something I have developed an allergy to these past couple of years. I toyed with the idea of getting a student to leg it and find my book but decided instead to do it myself.

Hundreds of times I have been in classrooms where students have left books on tables and nobody so much as touches them. The first time I do it? GONE!!!!!

I ended up buying a copy from my student in the class I was taking, she didn't want to take money but I made her have four times more than she paid for it – for her trouble.

Between us we also managed to find the sound problem on the computer and I was so happy to have fixed it. Sadly with no curtains, the screen was all but impossible to see. I have asked them to get a builder's sheet and some string for next week and offered to pay. If they don't then I will ask them to engage a curtain maker and I will pay for them to instal a set.

Thursday and today nothing went wrong, it's just that getting up at 0530 knocks me for six. Even worse, I got up for my night-time pee and when I returned to the bedroom this morning just wanting to collapse for another hour or two, the alarm went off! A different man may have called in sick and gone back to sleep. But sleep I shall tonight!

In the afternoon Brenda called me to inform me that the school would be immunising all staff and students, probably in May. Fine I said, do I get the Astrazeneca or the Pfizer one? I don't know.

I do, I said. It will be Sinopharm. To be honest I couldn't care less as long as I get a certificate that allows me to travel – also it's not going to cost me anything. She seemed to think maybe we would need to go to hospital but I pointed out with thousands on campus it would be more sensible for them to send a “jab bus” much like the bloodwagons in the UK. We shall see.

In the meantime I am struggling. I will wager I am in bed asleep at least ninety minutes before Jody gets home.

 

Tuesday 23^rd March, 2021 1720

Another freezing morning start on which I was under-dressed and yet at finishing time would have been over-dressed.

Nothing of interest to report from the actual teaching day, it was run of the mill.

The same cannot be said of it once I had left campus.

I was deliriously happy to only have to wait two cigar puffs before a taxi hove into sight but that never lasted long. Told the guy where we were going and settled back whilst he fiddled around with his GPS dooberry. Wonderful things in the right hands (I swore by my TomTom on the trucks) but give it to an imbecile?

I've had three years now teaching on main campus and I know probably all the routes taxis and buses take. Different taxis take different routes going TO main campus and on very odd occasions the wrong route (which I can correct easily) but coming home? Never.

Until today.

When we got to the last opportunity to turn left (by the mini Eiffel tower) before we did a wrong'un, Vasco was in the straight ahead lane so I pointed out that we needed to turn left. Ok. But he nonetheless went straight ahead! Hold it! Turn around or we will be making long detours. He turned around and went as instructed.

Coming down towards Peili Square he was again in the straight ahead lane and so as what I often have to do with drivers is tell them to edge left so we can turn left. No big deal. Except this guy indicated a u-turn. No, turn left! Lights changed and what did he do? A u-turn!

He then stopped at the 66 bus stop. Well I am not paying 15¥ to be dropped off at where a one yuan bus ride would take me so I had a rant in the back seat. The guy was adamant that his GPS told him he couldn't turn left as I instructed. Trying to get through to this guy was akin to teaching a cat to walk to heel – impossible.

Eventually the chap realised I wasn't going anywhere until he took me where I wanted to go. It was the jing jo shop but I should have made it right to home simply because he would have shit himself at the thought of going through the security gates and I could have had more fun and more blood pressure.

So we went back from whence we came, about a mile, before there's a set of lights to u-turn. Then back again and I sat open-mouthed as he again refused to turn left! Another mile further and another u-turn so he could come back and turn right, which is what his all-powerful GPS had told him. Oh how I wished Jody had been with me!

Apart from being the quintessential “GPS says so and I will drive into the river/onto the railway track” type, I will give him limited credit for turning off his meter and eventually only charging me 12¥. I always pay fifteen but Mr Jing Jo came out to see what the fuss was and it was he who took the three yuan change to give to me. I had given the guy fifteen.

Talk about frustration. Had I known I had a complete numbskull it would have been easier just to point directions instead of naming the location. Trouble is, if I get in his cab again I won't know because he was wearing a mask!

They don't have to pass “The Knowledge” here...........

 

Sunday 21st March, 2021 1830

So Friday turned to snow and saw me bitterly regretting not having put on a jumper beneath my summery jacket! The consolation was that due to all the sand swirling in the air the taxi drivers had been keeping their windows closed. Normally up here they freeze your nuts off in winter with open windows and in summer are too parsimonious to put the air-conditioning on. The latter I can understand but the idiots seem to think the heat from the engine costs money!

My classroom schedule on Friday left me aghast. Three classes back to back in room 102 then 103 then 102. Not only could they easily have bunged the middle Chinese class in 103 so I had 102 all day BUT before they fixed my rota I was in 102 anyway for those periods!!!! I sometimes wonder at times if I am in a parallel but utterly dysfunctional universe.

I was too tired to stay up and watch England doing what they do best to me and losing me £50 but I would have loved to be awake for the Welsh game. And of course it now makes Saturday vital. A day where I shall be Scottish again with £30 on them at 8/1. No chance of course but then I never thought the Paddies would demolish us so who knows?

Finally this afternoon I got around to trying to make a cheese and onion pie. It's baking as I type and as always with my pastry-making, it looks like an unmade bed. One day maybe I will perfect the art of presentation! I hope it's good, I've used the last of my cheese (Burger King and Metro run next weekend is on the cards) and it will do my three school lunches this week.

My little friend who manages the biggest China Tobacco store sent me texts earlier. I asked her a week ago to get me as many cigars as she could. They were out of stock at the time but I still have enough for another three weeks or so. Well, she has now found or scrounged at least fifty boxes, which is great news. I have said I will take sixty if she can get them – 6,000 cigars will do me for an entire year. Quite where to store them all is a bit of a puzzle though......

The sand seems to be either retreating or it is now sitting on car rooves so with luck the coming week will be a tad warmer.

 

Wednesday 17^th March, 2021 1730

Lanzhou and the sandstorm made it into China Daily today, which is rather fortuitous because when I got back home last night I took my camera intending to take some shots for you. In the end I never bothered as it appeared as though whatever I took would produce an image of complete normality even though it is anything but. China Daily have a great drone shot over one of our bridges that encapsulates the reality. Courtesy of someone else who was downtown, there are a couple of photos that are good too.

http://global.chinadaily.com.cn/a/202103/16/WS605068d5a31024ad0baaf878.html

Annoyingly, I forgot to take my camera this morning to take a photo of the precariously-hanging power lines. Jody though did the business. It just means I need to either wait for her to email it to me or remind her when she comes home, and that may well be when I really want to be in bed, thus delaying this entry. I am happy to report that since the photo was taken the cables have been restored to where they should be – the height of the school entrance arch.

Thursday 1005

And here is the snap of the stricken cables

 

Tuesday 16^th March, 2021 1200

Got up this morning to the news that Beijing yesterday experienced its worst sandstorm for a decade. When Jody had finished her shower after me and gone onto Wechat she informed me there was a sandstorm. Yes, I said, yesterday in Beijing. No said she, Beijing yesterday, Lanzhou today.

Well it was still dark outside but the sun was coming up when we left. She was absolutely right.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-china-56399267

We were having a replica of what Beijing had, half of Mongolia floating about the city. Confusingly, there were no grains of sand raining down, it was all confined to reducing visibility.

Then when we arrived at campus we were confronted by a scene that wouldn't have been out of place on the set of “Flowers Of War”. The overhead power and phone lines immediately outside the school gate were drooping down and at their nadir were only about ten feet above ground. My best guess is that a truck had inadvertently taken them out.

Great start to the week!

 

Sunday 14^th March, 2021 0300

Late? Yep. Six nations is to blame. I wasn't going to stay up, the internet just keeps buffering and the Italy game was the usual cricket score but I suddenly found I wasn't so tired when England were about to play so I got my sister to bung £100 on England to win. Odds of 5/6 which I thought were dreadful considering their performance so far. I missed most of the play and the scoring whilst ITVplayer buffered constantly but thankfully instead of losing my ton I won £85 but only at the death.

Ok so today I did very little. For some reason Jody had classes on Saturday morning and then she always seems to find office work to occupy her until late every night. I did though venture out and stock up on drugs courtesy of her medical card. Well considering I pay for everything else here that the school doesn't I don't think accepting £30 a month in medicines is taking the Mickey?

Anyway right now it is late. I want to do laundry and bake sausage rolls tomorrow.

Monday 15^th 1800

Bloody Sweaties! I really fancied Ireland but my SSM connection swayed me. Ok, only twenty pounds but I would have been spitting tacks if they had drawn because I was minded to take a punt on that and when I first looked it was 25-1.

So the sausage rolls? They never got made. In fact on Sunday all that got done was my laundry. I had awoken with raging gout in my right wrist.

The law of averages says some of my readers will be fellow sufferers and believe me I sympathise. At least this time it wasn't a foot or knee. It took seven long hours for the diclofenac to get me back to some sort of mobility and considering I had gone to bed at 0330 at got up at 1100, by that time it was time to rustle up some egg and chips for my dinner. Gout is a malevolent entity. You know when you are getting a cold or most other ailments you can feel it coming on and perhaps try to take evasive measures? Not so with gout. Absolutely no forewarning, it sneaks in while you are asleep and WHAM! Gotcha! when you wake up. Methinks it may be time to up my dosage (been on the same amount for 15 years).

So the sausage rolls are currently in the oven, this week's school lunches are saved!

I realised a couple of days ago that my timetable presents a problem regarding electricity supplies. The Auntie only works Tuesdays and Thursdays and I am out from dawn until five or so both days. Unless my current quota lasts then Aunty is going to have to possibly do a bit of overtime and wait for me, although I will be nice and bring her a cake which I shall bake myself. Haven't done that for a while, maybe Wednesday.

Still no news on my freshmen getting their military training. I have a sinking feeling I won't get the extra time off and they will be combined next term with the new intake. Drat.

 

Monday 8^th March, 2021 1630

Ok, as always a night's sleep helps. They are seeing if there is anything they can do but guess what – they are not allowed to rearrange student classes during the first two weeks of term. Convenient.

If truth be told, Tuesdays are the real bugbear and they are going to see if they can compress my day to make it 0800-1620. If they can do that then I am happy. Thursday with the 4½ hour lunch break? Fine, I will kill a couple of hours going for a Big Mac. It's at times like these I really miss having an e-bike.

Anyway, whilst being “busy, busy, busy doing nothing” today, I was bored and idly searched flights from Shanghai to London. Having “cleaned” my laptop last night everything had been erased so when I searched at first, business class was £2309 return – still way higher than it was pre-pandemic. But then I noticed the search criteria had defaulted to my location being the UK so I amended it to China. Now the tickets were £2458! So the same seat with Virgin, if you book from China is £149 more expensive than if you do it in the UK. I had heard from VPN providers before that changing location can save you money but never found any evidence until now. And no, in both cases the quotes were in sterling so how do they justify that?

Not of course that I am going to the UK in summer – too frightened of being trapped in limbo like Kevin who still can't get back to his Cebu villa – but I do these things, just as I check the GBP-CNY exchange rate every morning. Now that rate 'ere long, will have an impact on my income here if I stay when I retire. Unless I don't retire, live off my teaching salary and then when travel is possible again, go on lavish holidays to exotic locations. If I don't die on a set of Chinese university steps of course!

Thursday 11^th 1930

So much for it not being allowed to change teachers and student timetables in the first two weeks. Miraculously all bar my first class of the week are now on the ground floor. They've probably made sure the affected lecturers and pupils know it was that cantankerous old foreign bar steward but what the hell, they knew the requirements well in advance and ignored them. Bit them in the bum because I can no longer afford to ignore being taken the Mickey out of, my years, which albeit some may think are not advanced, are rapidly overtaking me. Only two years ago I would not have complained about floors. Now it is imperative that I do. So I have achieved a partial victory. Classes on the ground floor, no classes after 1620 but still I have 4½ hour lunch breaks on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm going to have to do a lot of cooking at weekends to prepare lunches because on Tuesday I did go to McD's. The walk to the bus near killed me and when I left I eschewed the bus and took a taxi back. I ain't doing it any more. Plainly put, I can't.

Anyway, so far this week and with only two classes from eight left, only one class bought the coursebook and in another, four people had obtained it. It's enough to make me doubt myself but I know I told every class at the end of term to get book two, which is green. I even heard the excuse today that they didn't know where to get it! Go to the place you bought book one and you will find they have books two, three and four as well! It is a source of wonder to me that I still have a full head of hair.

Anyway, I am saying nothing about “The Interview”.

 

Sunday 7^th March, 2021 1630

Fuming.

I won't say “incandescent” because I am gearing up for war. With the school.

You guys love it when I have a problem, don't you????

On Friday I was sent a provisional timetable for the translation and Chinese teaching departments. I was told the final timetable would be with me today. With only two days to effect changes (Chinese teachers had their tentative schedules two bloody months ago so I am utterly convinced they really did forget about me), I expressed dismay that it was the polar opposite of last term where I had all classes bar one on the first (ground) floor – now it is suggested all bar one are on the 3^rd floor. However, apart from that, three days a week I had 0800 starts but either finished at ten or noon. I can handle that, it's when they give you late ones followed by earlies that are the killers.

So today I received the “final” timetable. It was bad enough before but now I nearly choked. One change. Just the one. Whereas before I was down to teach from 0800-1200 on Tuesdays I am now rostered to teach 0800-1000 and then 1640-1830!!!! A seven hour lunch break or another 30¥ on taxis to come home for a few hours. Fine if I lived on main campus but I don't. I live a long way away. I ain't doing it. I have indicated as such to the relevant department along with why I don't like coming off the ground floor. It's not going up, that just takes time and rests these days so I leave more time to do it but coming down. I am terrified of losing my footing. They are concrete. I almost fell twice last term on the way down and I only had one class a week.

About eight years ago I tripped on stairs, thankfully carpeted, and when Kevin came to see if I was OK I said to him that Chinese stairs would be the death of me. I really don't want to be proved correct on that.

I also don't want to reinforce the label I probably already have, that of “troublemaker”. I am giving every opportunity to the departments. I have told the English department that I would actually like to see my timetable and the other departments that yes, if necessary I will do their third floor (God help Dean Bitch if she dares to complain seeing as she can spy next to her office) but the 7 hour lunch break is a no-no.

I await replies angrily and a draft email to the Foreign Affairs Dept awaits if necessary. I don't think I will jeopardise my last year next academic year (doubt they will get anyone else) but as long as I will be signing a new contract I will insist on having a ground floor clause inserted.

One of my readers suggested a while ago perhaps I should get a walking stick. Well the fact is, I don't need one. A Zimmer frame maybe for the times I will fall but a stick no. And anyway how do I carry my teacher case, stick AND shopping all at once? But if I had one, would they still put me on the 3^rd floor? The entire school knows full well I am the “Father Of The House” and yet regrettably some seem to think I am 34 and not 64.

I never envisaged a time, nor wanted a time, when not only did I not want to play the age card but was worried about doing so. I now find myself in such a position.

BREAKING:

Not possible to change the 3^rd floor. What a surprise because I was a shoe-in after they forgot me. “Let's wait to see what the English dept say before we try to solve the lunch break problem”.

 

Thursday, 4^th March 2021 1600

Just three more days of leisure left

I sent an email on Tuesday to both departments. I'm not an “I'm all right Jack” type and wanted to cover my backside in the process.

And here we are on Thursday after Lynne said on Tuesday to give her a few minutes while she got my timetable.

I would bet a month's salary that I have been completely forgotten about and now admin is frantically shuffling teachers, times and classrooms. Well, my conscience is clear – if I had kept quiet I could maybe have been on holiday until summer!

As always I have left plenty to do before starting again, although it would seem not as much as the school. Watch this space......

Oh yes! You know I've been walking the long way to the jing jo shop for weeks because the barrier was across and locked? Well on Tuesday it so happened that a guard was opening the barrier to let a hotel guest park their car so I took advantage of the shortcut while it was open. Signing that I would be back within five minutes I asked him to keep it open for me.

To my dismay, on my return the barrier was closed again and I had a particularly heavy load of booze. “Oh what??” I asked the guard and he laughed at me. He mimicked pulling the barrier. Slightly confused, I walked to it but the “bike chain” style thing was back in place. The guard indicated I should pull, so I did. The crafty sods are now just draping the chain and not locking it! So now I can use it as long as I replace the illusion.

Latest peeve? I am an avid fan of Masterchef in all its forms but the female (am I allowed to say that in the age of “wokery”??) narrator grates on me when she refers to the quarter-final as “korter-final”!!!!

2100

Still nothing on the timetable front. Do I just keep schtum now and let people get into trouble?

 

Sunday 28^th February, 2021 1815

Just one more week of leisure left.

After a fortnight of ever-increasing temperatures, today we had small snow flurries. Having not gone there yesterday, I had to visit the jing jo shop in case they sent out a search party to find my body. I wore simply a short sleeved shirt and the thin unlined jacket that has been all that is necessary of late.

I froze! It was back to the case of walking in the door and the glasses instantly steamed up. With a fair few things I want to do next week before term starts I really hope it will warm up.

Has everyone been enjoying the 6 Nations? Well, apart from the Italians and the English! I actually stayed up until nearly 0300 this morning to watch our painful performance. Notwithstanding that the referee (they should never, ever appoint French refs when England are playing!) has never forgiven Agincourt, we were so awful it seems a miracle we beat the Italians. Scotland and France tonight should be good though.

2230

Arrgghhh! Just found out the French are diseased and the match is postponed! Oh well, back to my downloads.

Tuesday 2^nd March 1630

Having had precisely zero information from the school I thought it best to stick my oar in. I mean, they haven't even actually told me we start again on Monday, if Jody wasn't here I would be blissfully unaware.

So I sent an email pointing out that nobody ever tells the foreigner anything and asking when we start and am I on the same timetable. So far Lynne from translation has replied saying she will find my timetable. Nothing as yet from Sue in the foreign language dept. It is once again a bloody joke. They know full well that now, at my age, I have certain requirements and if they screw up with those at this eleventh hour I will nonetheless squeal and as I have them over the proverbial barrel someone or other may need to sweat over rearranging classrooms if they cocked up.

You know, I actually don't like needing preferential treatment, I would love to sprint from floor to floor and class to class like a mountain goat but I damned well can't any more. So it really makes sense for them to fix my timetable first before anyone else's and then juggle the rest around me. Everyone else is two, three or four decades younger than me and I am the decaying corpse still plodding along claiming a salary. In so many ways they show me great reverence and respect due to my age but then screw it up by having the same thinking the supermarkets do – oh, this sold well, we have none left but we won't buy any more. You know, it has been two years since every supermarket in the city was selling expensive Italian sausages (which I loved) and then poof! They were gone, never to reappear. Bit like McDonald's saying oh, we've sold all our hamburgers but we won't get any more. To the western mind it is incomprehensible. So it is with the old foreign teacher. Let's forget about him until suddenly we need him and he's not in class. I am convinced that had I kept quiet Monday would have arrived and they would have panicked because I was at home.

So that's me, waiting with bated breath for my timetables and praying for no 0800 classes (that's an 0530 alarm clock). Classroom conflicts I will simply refuse, they are all aware of my limitations and the fact there are no lifts.