Wednesday 13th July, 2016               0150

Uncertainty and utter helplessness are not good. A couple of times in the past week I have woken up from my slumber and felt utter desolation. I can do nothing to influence the eventual outcome regarding my future here.

I have always maintained that depression is not an illness but a weakness and I stand by that even though at times (very briefly I would add) I have found myself at my lowest ebb. Then of course (for OCs) I remember QYLMBS, I pick my spirits up, go to the fridge and open a can of cold tea or two and suddenly I have control of my destiny again.

The saying that life is a shit sandwich is so true - were I rich I wouldn’t give a stuff about where I was going to work or live because I could afford not to care. But of course I am not wealthy, if I am careful I have enough to bail out from here to another country or God forbid have to return to the UK. Then I would be in real trouble, unable to claim benefits or afford anywhere to stay.

I really want to stay teaching in China because although unis don’t pay that well the hours are low and I know how it works now. I can do my own thing and I teach “adults”. The waiting to know is the worst. I will be devastated at the wrong answer but at least I can make a plan of attack once I know either way. Bloody stupid really because I have known for a year this would happen (although not the crap with the qualifications) and should have expected it but, extreme optimist that I am, I thought I could buck the system and win. I have so often in the past but this is China and there is no bloody system to buck.

Anyway, this morning I got up at the unearthly hour of six (when of late that’s about two hours before I normally actually go to bed) so that I could go to the mountain school. Molly arrived well in time and the car came to collect us, this time Professor Wu was actually here, albeit only until 1100 when he had to leave on business but not before coming to look at my old photo albums.

I think Molly had her eyes opened as to what you can do with kids if you entertain them which is a good thing. We all had boring teachers and ones who made the lessons interesting and we all know which classes we liked best. Not that this was a class, simply a morning of chatting and fun later. Good job all the volunteer teachers and students are always new ones because there is no way I could come up with more ideas for games!

It wasn’t too hot as it happens (a first) until after lunch and I have to say the lunch they put on this time was the best in the six years I have been going. They remembered the aubergine dish and egg and tomato and also there was a strange dish consisting entirely of bean sprouts in a sauce which was bizarrely nice, so I liked three dishes - another first!

It may have been my last time there but I am hoping not. There will be a new intake in three days time and I indicated my willingness to give up another half a day for their cause so maybe I will have one last hurrah. I hope so.

Of course, as I accept no payment and only drank three bottles of the beer offered (plus a can in the car on the way at 0730!) there was almost an entire case given to me to take home. Well that’s great but I had a big bag with all my photos and books and I worried I would get it all safely on the bike to take home from south gate.

Enter Molly’s new husband with car! A saviour because he brought the car up and even carried the stuff to my home. It was by this time well into the thirties and I was by now fatigued. As for perfect (or imperfect) timing, Joan arrived back at the same time but she was on the phone, I think to one of her students, and I was disappointed that she disappeared around the corner to continue the conversation and never actually spoke with Molly or hubby.

For now, it is hot outside still, Joan has been asleep in her room for three hours and we will both leave our doors open all night - mine to let the air-conditioning out and hers to let it in from mine. When I recall my first three days here when nothing worked and I couldn’t sleep from sweating I really appreciate a/c. and that will never happen again because I will simply refuse and go to an hotel.