Monday 2nd Octobner, 2017            No time

Yesterday was actually bittersweet.

National holiday here, China was 68 - not much older than me - but also the 34th anniversity of my Old Man passing. Oddly, or maybe not, when I had drunk a coffee the imbecilic thought that I must call my Mum as I normally did, fleet-footed it in my brain.

Well that WAS crazy.

She passed away on 4th February.

I am an agnostic but even unbelievers do like to think of being reunited after death. I am not a lover of playing my life out on Facebook even if I do so on my blog but I knew my sister would post something.

Dad absconded 34 years ago and having to step up to the plate as Head I had no chance to grieve then. I have felt guilty for not shedding tears ever since because I had to be strong for everyone else.

But as you all know Mum pegged out 6 months ago.

As an agnostic (and I suspect most alleged atheists) there is a secret hope my parents will be now reunited up in the clouds or whatever heaven is supposed to be. After all, I had spirit money burnt at Mum’s funeral and I did the same at Qing Ming here for Mum and Dad.

No apologies for the morose tone of this post, it happens to us all sometime if we are lucky to outlast our parents.

Some  people lose parents at a young age - I was unfortunate in losing Dad at 27 and careless with Mum at 60.

This is not a cry for help in any way. I would have thought at 60 I would have been prepared to be an orphan. I wasn’t! even though I waited 3 days at the end of a computer on tenterhooks for news  it left me with feelings I never expected and ones which persist now. Bloody ridiculous at my age I know, but only yesterday morning the thought flew through my brain that I should call Mum as I always did on the anniversity. Stupid  boy. She is dead.

Now ok, you may think this is just wallowing but it is not.


Many readers are or have been in the same position. For months it seemed bizarre to me to be an orphan (as if they would take me in with Mr Bumble!) at 60!!!

Of course I have accepted it, had expected it for a while but nonetheless found myself completely unprepared. As a strong person mentally I found it (and still do) odd that I would feel the way I still do.

I will live but if anyone cares to share their thoughts?