Friday 31st August, 2012       1300

Once again, the best laid plans of mice and me. No dinner with Joanna tonight, for when she set out travelling it transpired her usual route no longer exists, so she will take a lot longer - and she sent me the message before eight this morning so I don’t envy her probably 12 hours on buses and trains. Still, we rearranged it for tomorrow night instead, so it has worked out well in the end because now I can go downtown late this afternoon, go to the bank, do some shopping and then have a cheap dinner while I am about it. I am sure K will be fine now all the eateries  are open here and I can’t be bothered cooking again. When I worked in the UK I probably cooked once or twice a week because of the luxury of takeaways and ready meals. Here of course I have cafes literally one minute away and if I want to eat local food it is a lot cheaper than cooking for myself because I use a lot of imported stuff.

Tina contacted the secretary this morning re splitting that class and was told that contrary to what I thought it only had 32 students. Fine, if that is the case it doesn’t need halving. However I am unconvinced, because when I checked my records the only class I had with that number was one half of the huge class I did split. Why would they only give me one and not the other? Watch this space on Monday to find out if I am faced with standing room only in my classroom.

I just looked at the weather forecast. It shows that the new academic year (and all the hatchlings) will be welcomed with rain. They will get it on Sunday when they arrive and again on Monday when they report for duty! I should have no need to venture far so as the saying goes, “I’m all right Jack!” - now wait and see if I get my come-uppance with a soaking after that!!  

2200

Nice little run to town. For the second time running Sonya was not in the bank and then I twigged. She is taking her banking exams. I wish her all the best and will ask her how they went next time I am in. On this occasion, because I went late afternoon, there was a queue and rather than stand loitering, this time I decided to take a seat. Not the normal customer seats but the comfy one behind an unoccupied desk I have been offered before close to the ticket machine. On previous occasions I have noticed the security guard pressing the screen, getting tickets and sticking them on said desk under the counter. I never realised why until today. I bagged 127 and he got 128, duly leaving it near my elbow. A few minutes later a well dressed woman came in, parked her handbag also near my elbow and surreptitiously slid the ticket - which was obscured from my view - into her hand. Obviously if you are in the know you can call or text beforehand en route and save yourself a wait! One day when I’m in a hurry I will try that with Sonya! Needless to say, even though we couldn’t speak to each other, the lady was left in no doubt that I knew what was going on.

I then went to K’s bank and whacked some money for online shopping in her account (can’t wait until payday for litter and Eucryl), hit Lottemart and had some dinner. On the way back as I was approaching Pyngtian lake where I turn left off the main road (remember we drive on the right here) I checked my mirrors, glanced over my shoulder and moved into the “fast” lane. This is a 6 lane main road. Apart from an oncoming van the only traffic in sight was a car far behind me, also travelling at speed in the outside lane. Now, this car had the pick of three lanes. I was indicating the turn so commonsense dictates the car should use one of the other two available lanes. But no. Fifty yards before the turn he/she warned me. Not with a normal car horn but a police siren. Clearly an unmarked car and with no lights flashing it was not on an emergency call. I had two seconds to react. It wasn’t indicating a turn yet I was, so I really had to execute my manoeuvre. I didn’t dare pull to the right in case I died and going left I could still die - or at the very least end up in hospital again. The car was going straight on. What in God’s name do they teach these people when they learn to drive? Two spare lanes and no traffic but he/she had to put the willies up me. I am going to save up and buy a Chieftain tank.

All day today there have been fireworks. I can only assume they were to mark the festival of hungry ghosts, although I am not sure ghosts can eat spent explosives. Notwithstanding, it is a treat to see the nation observing tradition when so many UK religious festivals are now simply viewed as a holiday and an excuse to drink. I don’t count myself in their number because I am agnostic and I don’t need an excuse to drink - being awake is enough!

Back on campus the influx had started in earnest. They are flocking back and over the weekend it will become a torrent. I saw some of my (now ex) students, put the shopping in and took the dogs out. Whilst having a beer I had a text from Happy (very apt for she always is) asking where I was. We met up in my office - an outside table on campus outside the cafes - half an hour later. Seeing so many old faces tonight brought it home to me just how much I have missed these kids, and worse, how much I will miss teaching them. Of course I will still see them and chat occasionally but it is nothing like the same.

After Happy left I sat alone, deliberately staying out a little late so that when I came home I wouldn’t have to let Robin out after her dinner - she stayed out all night yesterday again. Glancing around to spot familiar faces, I spotted a girl in the China Unicom shop.  Couldn’t see her face but she wore a dark blue top and as the assistant I had seen in there was wearing the same colour I thought to myself that although her face was a bit “plain Jane” my goodness did she have a stunning body and legs. Almost enough to make one change mobile providers!

Imagine my shock when the “assistant” left the shop and it was none other than Joanna, accompanied by Balance! They both came for a brief chat, brief because they needed to buy necessities and Joanna hadn’t had dinner. This was at nine and she had travelled all day. Deferral of our dinner date was certainly a wise move and hopefully we will both be chipper tomorrow night. I have been tired all day but this time I know the cause was the females talking loudly outside from eight this morning onwards.  Online shopping is now ordered, I have nothing to do during the day tomorrow so will stay in bed as long as possible.

Thursday 30th August, 2012               1230

If I knew where to get one I’d go for a massage. No, a proper one! I don’t know in what position I am sleeping but for two days now my neck has felt as if I suffered whiplash after a side collision. Trying to loosen it myself merely succeeds in sending bolts of pain shooting to the top of my skull! I realise this is probably part and parcel of becoming an old crock but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

Joanna wants to go for dinner tomorrow,  however I didn’t plan it at all well. Regardless of whether I was taking her for a meal, by tomorrow I will need to go to the bank again. Recently I have started withdrawing just 500y a time - after Sonya said she wished I could go there every day for her to practise her English. When the weather turns cold of course I will revert to taking out a month’s worth in one hit. Anyway, I don’t want to go today so I either have to go in the morning and recharge the bike or take Joanna in a bit early and possibly go shopping until we can justify eating.

In the meantime I will get cleaned up and dressed, then after lunch go in search of the secretary to see if my only class needs to be split.

1630

So much for that - the block was deserted. Instead I sent a message to Tina who very kindly will sort my class size out. As she is due to give birth within the next fortnight I don’t expect to see her before next March but she did say if I had any problems she would still help - of course after two years of being here I don’t need to call on her often.

Slowly but surely the campus is filling up again, on my way back I spotted Bessie who just returned. When I have prepared the lasagne for the oven I will take the mutts out, so will see if she wants to come for a chat. The cafes and shops here are still having a lot of work done and I am wondering if they are upping their game now competition is opening up just outside everywhere. It won’t affect me greatly because I don’t often eat in them except in winter when the hotpots return, but it will be good for the students.

2000

Bloody Chinese hotplates! They are halogen or similar, so you would sensibly think they would be as controllable as cooking on a gas hob, right? Oh no. instead of giving an even and sustained heat, unless you set it to maximum what you get is short bursts of  temperatures normally found on the surface of the sun followed by nothing - this goes on forever. Couple that with my stupidity in using Kevin’s pan instead of my own expensive one because it is too big and you get the mince mixture burning and sticking to the bottom. Although I persevered - not going to waste about 100y of ingredients - I have a feeling it will still taste burnt even through the herbs and cheese. I am so annoyed because if K doesn’t like it she probably won’t try it again when I get it right.

Tonight the campus; although not heaving; is very busy. I remembered what it is like when you want to shop in the supermarket and there are a hundred students queuing. My barbers has been open for a few days now but no sign of Barry Manilow yet. If he doesn’t show by Monday I will have to assume he has left, which will be a pain seeing as he did my hair perfectly.

Pepsi continues to annoy me. She has inherited all of her mother’s faults yet none of the few good qualities she possesses. I don’t know why I bother taking her out. I may as well leave her inside and just clean up her mess daily because she simply finds the nearest corner/e-bike to hide under/long grass and stays put shivering. She is even frightened at home although not to the same extent. Of all the puppies I seem to have been left with the cutest yet most inappropriate one.

I will soon be serving cremated lasagne so will leave off for now, however I will post later and report on how dire it was.

2130

Verdict? From you know who, just Ok. From me, less burning and more Italian herbs and it will be great. Another dish in my arsenal of things I can conjure up in China.

Tuesday 28th August, 2012        1415

 Found out an hour ago that dinner is on for tonight - shortly before I decided to go and shop to cook here instead. So the food will be provided by the restaurant of the moment in the form of a prawn hotpot. As I have absolutely no meat for the animals I will go early and shop first, if I get tomorrow’s ingredients as well I won’t need to venture out unless the bread maker arrives.

I find myself now seeing a few more of my own students arriving back and also looking forward to actually starting my day job again. Alongside the hope that I will retain my three best classes there is also an anticipation as to what sort of new faces I will get. It would be too much to hope for five new groups who are a pleasure to teach but I suppose if I can get three lots it will do. Next week I will go and see the secretary who sorts out classes and schedules and ascertain how many are in each class. She should know by now not to give me huge numbers (66 is my record I think) but if I have any above say, 35, I will ask that they be split before their lessons start. I would far rather give extra lessons than have a room jam-packed and a class size I can’t teach in my own style.

2230

As always the “protpot” dinner was lovely, marred only by the absence of Bunny who I had rather looked forward to seeing and teasing again. The girls on the door of the BBQ place were most disappointed I didn’t go there - it is “their turn” after all - but I blamed Cassandra seeing as she was paying. I did my shopping so now don’t need to go again tomorrow, now just watch the bread maker arrive so I have to!

Some bigwig must be staying at the Peninsula hotel at the lake because when I left there were uniformed police and squad cars either side of the entrance and on the main road going the other way was a VIP convoy. How to tell? They drive with their hazard flashers on, and in the past I have taken great delight on the back road in refusing to give way because there are no blue/red lights or sirens. One day I am sure they will get the hump really badly with me, but not as yet.

In town on my way to the restaurant in order to drive the British (rather than the Chinese any-side-of-the-road) way, I needed to ride past the place and then at an opening in the barrier make a completely legal u-turn. This involves being in the outside lane of three. I was flat out and doing 60kph in a 40 limit but from 200 yards out I had a car sounding its horn for me to get out of the way. To do so - for me - would have been foolhardy because not only would I have had to re-enter the middle lane with all its traffic but then get back in the outer one with its traffic. In any event I was exceeding the speed limit (with impunity as I have no number plate) so in response to the ever more strident beeps I simple held up my left hand and gave the one-fingered American “sit and swivel” salute. This did not go down too well judging by the increased frequency of horn blasts, which equally didn’t sit too well with me - especially as I was actually indicating the turn, something e-bikes and most cars never do.

When I reached the opening I could easily have tucked myself to one side to allow Mr Toad to pass, but in view of his behaviour I decided to wait in the middle of the lane, forcing him to stop and seemingly superglue his hand to the horn. At this point I looked back and simply stared at the driver impassively, which hopefully ratcheted his blood pressure up another few notches. It is entirely possible that if he approaches a fat rider from behind in the future he may think twice about repeating the performance. Then again, maybe not.

Wednesday 29th         2200

For once here fortune smiled. The new bread maker was actually delivered to campus! Better still, I can read the screen.

Lady luck would apparently not have smiled on me in another area though. The teaching schedules are now online and until the freshmen complete military training I am down for just one double lesson on Mondays. As you know, I really wanted to keep three classes for their third year but it looks as if the one I have got is not only not one of them but is an amalgamation of my two worst!!! I am not happy. For starters I will have to get them split unless I want to have a class of 61 - no thanks - and secondly, we never had a course book last semester so as sure as hell we won’t have one this term either. It is beyond me. The only plus I can see is that they will graduate in November so I will have a couple of easy months leading up to Spring festival. Aside from my attachment to the ones I have lost it simply beggars belief that for their second two years they get no authentic oral English tuition and therefore inevitably their standards will fall. I would happily teach them for another year despite the increased workload and would not demand overtime. It’s not often I am down in the dumps here but tonight is one such occasion.

Kiki thought she had a part-time job lined up for this coming semester. A Chinese Promise which, as one year ago, has vapourised. Bloody Yank spellchecker is telling me I spelt “vapourised” incorrectly!  Anyway, she told me she was going to town today to find a job and that I shouldn’t cook. Great, I was going to finally try lasagne. However, later when I found she was still here she said she forgot to let me know she was now going tomorrow! Grrrr! It was far too late for me to think about proper cooking and in fairness she said she would cook some rice for herself. The bread was on anyway so I made a cheese, bacon and fried egg sarnie for her - I will make mine after posting this. One good thing of course is that I don’t have to go out again tomorrow either.

Joanna is back on Friday. I have missed her more than I would have thought. I may just invite her out to dinner that night seeing as Miss Nerd wants to stay in for her last night in Kevin’s flat. I will miss her too when she moves back to her dorm.

Sunday 26th August, 2012          2200

Flipping heck - seven-thirty this morning again! But ok, I took steps to wake up “early” so tonight just maybe I will be sensible.

Having had a super idea for tonight’s dinner and one that would be a new experience for K, I went downtown this afternoon, literally in, shop and out again. Later I took the dogs out for a drink and saw yet more freshmen plus parents - even at one point recommending to an undecided group to eat in the sweet pork restaurant. The offshoot from the campus café will I think be open in two or three days, which considering most of the labour has been employees, is remarkable because from an empty unit with a bare concrete floor it has taken a scant three weeks. The other ones are taking longer and it is impossible to tell what food they will serve.

Still on the food front, my genius of an idea for dinner was shish kebabs - what’s not to like about grilled chicken and vegetables? My preferred accompaniment is blue cheese dressing but of course here I am limited to mayonnaise. Still, perfectly simple fare surely? Nope. After just two skewers a certain party declared it was too dry and they didn’t like them. Didn’t like the mayo either. Give me strength. I made a dozen, of which half have been eaten. The rest will be put out for the animals - pure waste - but of course only the meat will disappear.

I offered to take her downtown for dinner tomorrow (I fancied a prawn hotpot again) but she is in full-on stay at home mode as always. In fairness she will have to move back to her dorm by Saturday at the latest so I guess she is just savouring the solitude and privacy of her own place. Cassandra has invited Kevin and me out for dinner probably Tuesday so she will be on pot noodles that day. On that basis I have decided to hell with it, I will attempt lasagne tomorrow. It makes sense seeing as I haven’t made it for so long, not to mention using pork instead of beef, this way I can ensure no disappointment at a dinner party occasioned by anything other than a cultural taste bud clash.. Another trip to town then - good job the electricity is free.

“My” campus café will be open tomorrow, as indeed I think will be the barbers - good job as my hair must be an inch long now and in another couple of weeks I will be in danger of having to use a comb.

The antibiotics appear to have helped Robin because her cough is gone, although last night while I was sitting at my computer my nostrils were assailed by the most disgusting stench immediately after she dumped a most gruesome load from her bowels on the floor behind me. It was tempting to flee and check into an hotel but I couldn’t be angry at her because she is terrific at controlling herself so was patently unwell. The problem is, one never knows what she is eating when she roams the campus.

Enough for now, I have some Silent Witness to watch. I have missed that since it took a break.

Monday 27th        2130

Ah, the best laid plans! I didn’t rise until late but that isn’t the reason I never got to town. Not long after I surfaced Kevin came for a chat and to get some things from his flat - one of the things we discussed was the lack of teaching schedules as yet on the school website, with one week to go before start of term. He left after I phoned K to wake her up mid-afternoon (yes, she really does stay up late studying alone) and I thought I had better get a move on and head out for my shopping.

I couldn’t shower because the water was off. I don’t leave home without being clean so I had to wait. It was nearly five before a trickle gurgled up through the pipes so it was far too late to do anything and I couldn’t even bake some bread for us to eat because it wouldn’t have been ready until after nine. Taking the last of the animal grub from the freezer, I advised K we had no choice but to go out for dinner. As by now it had started raining we plumped for the pork place and aside from them having no prawns it was a decent meal. Pepsi sat and trembled in the grass the entire time while Robin was constantly being shooed out by the fuyuans (waitresses) and indeed me.

My campus café is open now so I stopped there to get wine from the shop and have a bottle - Pepsi found a corner to lay down and shiver with fright for the duration. Lord only knows what she will do next week when the place fills up - probably die from a heart attack. The teacher from 305 came down, what for I don’t know as she never bought anything, but she said the water was off again so she couldn’t cook her dinner. I could have offered her the flask I keep filled for emergencies but didn’t because I needed it to cook for the family. In any event, when I did go home we had aqua again.

My new bread machine was apparently despatched yesterday (K and I think they forget about it) so it could arrive any time. Cassandra has yet to confirm dinner tomorrow to Kevin so if I don’t get told something concrete by lunchtime then I will indeed go shopping and cook here. The Chinese seem to me to be under the impression that everyone - especially foreigners - sits around all day just waiting to drop everything at once for a dinner invitation - school included. Well I don’t and thus far have refused two invites at the last minute from the uni and Kevin tells me he refused at Christmas in his first year because he had already agreed to go with some of his students. I don’t like missing “school dinners” because the food is always lavish, but I work on the principle that a date is a date and first to ask and obtain agreement is my priority. Talking of dinners, I wonder if we will have one shortly seeing as it appears no new foreign teachers (no replacement French teacher coming it seems) will arrive? Hmmmm.  

Friday 24th August, 2012           2100

Haha! So much for an early night. Granted, I was enjoying some downloaded films - hardly as conducive as Horlicks or a bottle of port for slumber - but even so it was three before I evicted the furry things and lay down. I thought perhaps I would feel human by about eleven but to my astonishment I obviously made up for the previous night by sleeping on and off until one.

I didn’t need to go to town (I could have mashed spuds with something - sadly not sausages) but I did anyway for a spot of shopping and some dinner. Unbelievably I almost took a sweater with me because it was “only” 28 today. As I was leaving, I passed 305 who made the comment that it was cold and went on to ask when I was moving out to the new apartment! I had to put her straight by telling her the only people who have mentioned it have been her and her neighbour. I am not sure how the rumour started, and it may well prove to be true in time, but I am not sure if I actually want to move. Could I be given a ground floor place? Where the hell do I shelter and charge the bike? They are two big cons as opposed to one big pro - a dedicated animal bedroom. Doubtless when this place properly comes alive again I will find out, until then, “I know nothing!”

Our supermarket was still open after eight tonight, the southern approach road now has banners strung between lampposts presumably to welcome the new intake of freshmen, coincidentally advertising 3G mobile phones from one of the service providers. More and more suitcases are being dragged up from both gates. I am sparing a thought for the greenhorns. For most this will be their first time away from home, most will arrive here scared stiff and for the first time will have to live and sleep with five complete strangers. Everything will be alien. The school does its bit by instructing juniors (3rd year students) to meet, greet and give a tour but of course no sooner are they here than they are put in camouflage garb and bellowed at by the Red Army! Sure, they are all nineteen and as such adults, but in China they mature much later than in the west - they are still kids.

Saturday 25th        2000

Managed to get up before noon today, although not by much! Of course I could always set an alarm, but when you are on holiday, why? I did get a message from Kiki when I turned my phone on, telling me she was coming back today. I asked what time and of course she was already here.

I took the dogs out for a beer again and the restaurant, which has just been ticking over and closing between seven and eight, was busy. I sat outside on the bike as is my wont, and in so doing spotted my first freshmen. Well, not mine - at least I hope not judging by their level of English! Freshers are easy to spot for me, the double-take, the nudging of who they’re with and the muttered “laowei” are a bit of a giveaway. These two girls were going with the parents of one (or both maybe but doubtful) to eat there. I called them over and introduced myself. They were of course mildly embarrassed, but serve them right for acting as if I had two heads. The parents simply smiled benignly. Doubtless at some stage this term one or both of them will come up to me and mention the incident, of which there will surely be many more during the coming few weeks. The reason for it is mainly twofold - one, very few “junior” schools have foreign teachers and two, a lot of our students are from very rural areas where no foreigner has ever been. It’s all good fun though.

K has been in contact with the bread machine shop online trying to chase up my replacement. Eight hours ago they were checking up on it but as yet no reply. Why am I getting a funny feeling about it? I also mentioned to her about the bus trying to terminate in the middle of nowhere on the return from Hefei. It would appear that the driver probably didn’t want to go to the bus station (she reckons it happens all the time) because where he stopped would have been near his home and incredibly would have left the bus parked there overnight until his next shift. My guess was very wide of the mark but if it ever happens again I will stand my ground as I did this time. Kevin told me it happened to him once and it was an even more remote location. He refused to get off the bus so they simply took his case from the luggage hold and dumped it on the side of the road!

2200

And time to cook for the brood and relax. I cooked a pasta bake tonight - first proper cooking I have done since Hefei - and knowing it would be too plain for K I put liberal amounts of chilli in it. Her verdict? “Ok”. Mine? Nothing startling but eminently filling and made much more interesting by having a bit of fire to it. Now I have to think what on earth I can make for us tomorrow that we haven’t had before. I am not attempting lasagne until we have a dinner party.

Wednesday 22nd August, 2012      1700

Well, talk about a “nothing” day!! With no need to go anywhere except out with the dogs in a while, I haven’t set foot outside my place. With Kevin supposed to be coming I have waited patiently to no avail and my texts have gone unanswered which is odd. Not that I have waited in specifically, I wanted a quiet day anyway. I have even managed to wash the dog bed and make some bread for later - now I have a decent egg slice it’s bacon and eggs for dinner! But - I did want to see him so he could punch a hole in my belt.

It’s Valentines day tomorrow. No, I haven’t taken leave of my senses or lost all track of time - it is on this day in China and is the seventh day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar, which makes it a different date every year in the Gregorian. Hence the mid-autumn festival this year is 30th September when last year it was 12th. I think we will have a lengthy holiday this time seeing as the following day is China’s birthday, when it turns 63. I like the mid-autumn festival because I have acquired a taste for moon cake and the school usually gives us loads and takes us for dinner.

Robin did her dirty stop-out act again last night much to my - and I am sure others’ - annoyance because she never stops barking at night. At about two this morning I heard a puppy bark which sounded close. I was still up, so opened my door to find Robin outside with two little friends. When the door opened they all scarpered. It will be interesting to see if she stays out in the winter, but tonight I am going to leave cooking their dinner until late and not let her out after she has eaten. That’s if she comes in at all, because flat 303 has been feeding her and so hunger is not as big a driving force.

I tried my new trousers on for size earlier, they were perfect for length but I noticed the seamstress had pressed the legs completely flat and there is no trace of a crease. Perhaps they are supposed to be worn like that. I will certainly give it a go because it was make ironing a hell of a lot easier!

I just got my email edition of the Luton newspaper and opened it to find the outside pages are an advertising feature. Nothing unusual in that, except it is August and the ad is for Christmas dinner at a pub!!!

Thursday 23rd        1930

Or “Lovers Day” as it is more properly known in China. I excelled myself last night by staying up until seven-thirty this morning! Having arranged to meet up in town with Kevin at some point for lunch, I set the alarm for three hours later, resulting in my being a little jaded now but hopefully it will jerk my body back into a more sensible sleep cycle in time for starting work again the week after next.

I am almost certain that Robin has distemper. I am also certain she will have to get over it without my forking out 3,000y to “cure” her. She has the cough and the vomiting but so far no other symptoms. There is no cure and so treatment is confined to rehydration, drugs to lessen the cough and being sick and antibiotics. I have to accept it as part and parcel of owning a dog in rural China it would seem, so the one thing I can do for her is give her antibiotics. Aside from feeling a bit sorry for herself last night she is still as mad (and as fast) as a March hare so I hope she will shake it off - never to be able to suffer from it again. It almost certainly means Pepsi will get it too but she will be treated the same. The advantage they have over all the other wild ones who have it on campus - which is how Robin got it - is that they are fit, healthy and have a first class diet.

So I bought the drugs (which seem to have had an effect after only a few hours) and met Kevin and Daisy in Ke Bi Wang. Daisy is going home tomorrow for a few days before term starts, which will allow Kevin to use his bed downtown instead of the camp bed - he let the girls have the comfort!

When I got back the campus had come a little more alive. The supermarket was open and re-stocked although until it gets busier they will close mid-afternoon, one of the mobile phone shops is open and some of the other places that aren’t open yet had signs that they were gearing up again. “My” café is allegedly going to be trading again on Monday.

Earlier I took the mutts out and sat on the bike having a drink. Today was decidedly chilly - I almost needed a jumper - at 27C, and it has been overcast but dry and with a fair breeze. I know I mentioned another restaurant is opening in close proximity to the sweet pork place, but there are at least another four “shops” being fitted out. I discovered tonight they are also going to be eateries. If I was the sweet pork place I would be very worried indeed. They have had the monopoly on selling good quality food here the entire time the new campus opened 3½ years ago and always do a roaring trade with the students. Now we will be spoilt for choice (I hope!) and out in the sticks the local population couldn’t possibly support that number of outlets. Still, if they all sell decent stuff it is good news for me because it will mean I won’t necessarily have to trek into town for a good meal. Campus food is fine if you are Chinese, boringly limited if you are someone with a western palate and can’t eat Mount Etna with impunity.

On a final note, almost half the world’s pig population is in the hands of Chinese farmers.

Monday 20th August, 2012          2100

I went downtown in the late afternoon, the plan being to go to the bank, Lottemart and then Ke Bi Wang for dinner. I had planned to buy some trousers (here they all come with a two-fathom inside leg and you take them to the free alteration service and wait while they do it) but I was forty minutes in the bank! Obviously I wanted to be served by Sonya but for the entire time she was serving a group of three, who I learned later had chosen that particular time to go and set up business accounts - just my luck. Eventually my number came up and I had to go to her mate but security swiftly put the kibosh on that! I don’t know what was said but I was given my passbook back, the group buggered off elsewhere and I was told to sit at Sonya’s window!

However, although personally I had all the time in the world, because I like to take the mutts out off campus while everything is closed here, I decided against spending any trouser time so just bought pet food and went to have some dinner. I think my stomach was stretched at the weekend for normally I buy two dishes and only eat 1½ but tonight I polished off the lot.

From when I left to go out until now there has been a lightning storm yet strangely we have had no rain. I did though note that - at least two weeks before they need to be here - some students have started to drift back. They must be keen. This summer we have had about 1,000 of them who never went home at all, some took summer jobs locally and others just wanted to study, so certain dormitory blocks were used to house them. Obviously the school wasn’t going to pay for the staff to keep them all open so they had to shift “house” for the duration but tonight I noticed ones now open which were hitherto closed. I suspect the shops and cafes may reopen again shortly.

While I was having a beer with the dogs I saw two army officers (probably lieutenants) on an e-bike - don’t forget all the freshmen do their military training on campus during the first fortnight of term - and I am pretty sure they went for dinner at the local hotel. A little later I saw a dozen non-comms or privates on foot and they came to eat at the little “greasy spoon” which currently has picnic tables outside. Somehow I think the lowly ranks not only paid less for dinner but also got better food because I have eaten in the hotel!

It had to happen and finally it has. A male/female student couple left the restaurant I sit outside, the girl walked to the road and waited for the boy to get there on his pushbike - it is a common sight to see someone doing all the pedalling while another sits on the luggage rack doing sod all. The lad took the short cut to the road which is really BMX territory and attracted Robin’s attention. She got up close undetected by him and barked and growled and the surprise was enough for him to fall off. Thankfully he wasn’t hurt and I am reasonably sure he found it humorous but one of these days someone is going to score a hit with a stone - I hope they do to teach her a lesson as long as they hit her backside. The confusing thing is that she doesn’t go after every bike/e-bike/motorbike, just certain ones. Ditto people on foot.

Tuesday 21st         2000

I had planned to buy trousers and meet up with Joey sometime today. In the afternoon I sent him a text asking where we should meet after I shopped. Bear in mind that yesterday when I advised him of the probability I would go to town and meet up and he responded with Ok, the fact that aside from a few beers and thus far one dinner it is being done gratis and you will understand. The reply today was that as it is his birthday he couldn’t meet me as his mum was taking him out. I know as we become middle-aged we try to forget birthdays but an early twenty-something? I will make no further offers and see if he contacts me - uncle colleague or not this I can do without.

As a result I almost didn’t bother going out at all. I could have made bread and eaten something quite happily using that, but as Kevin is coming to campus tomorrow to get some things from his flat here I wanted to leave the day more or less free. So I duly set off under darkening skies and with the promise this time of definite rain.

I went to the commercial centre first because there was a far greater chance of them having bacon ( I wasn’t disappointed) than Lottemart and when I arrived there were no parking spaces available near the entrance. I stopped so I could take a look and see where there was a space but was immediately accosted by a jobsworth security guard intent on telling me I wasn’t allowed to park in the space outside the main entrance. No kidding? “WHAT???” I bellowed, and was rewarded by a flinch. I proceeded to admonish him by way of body language and got it across that I had merely paused to survey parking spots. I hope he got the message that someone who stops a vehicle and remains seated on it is not necessarily going to leave it there.

I hate shopping in the commercial centre supermarket. It’s like a Tesco Metro but with less people on the tills and is always busy. And as far as I know, in China they don’t have a 10 items or less queue. So I am waiting patiently in line with my three packs of pig, having a stilted conversation with a Chinese couple with child in front of me and wondering how long all the fully laden trolleys in front of us would take when we were surprised by a classic pincer movement.

Initially I was flabbergasted. In front of the couple ahead of me, to the left a businessman with a basket full had pushed into the queue in front of them and to the right an old fart with one item had done likewise! Ok, calm down. My enquiry of the family in front as to their thoughts met with a typical Chinese response - shrugged shoulders. Well sod that, my time is as important as anyone else’s and if I can queue so can everyone else. Christ did I make a scene! I tapped the old boy on the shoulder and ;pointed out people weren’t standing in line for their health and he moved to the back. By now I think the entire shop was looking on aghast. Surely the laowei wouldn’t dare do likewise with the well-dressed man?? Would he? Oh yes, he got the tap but also the benefit of an earful and the question as to whether he was Hu Jintao or just a normal person - God was I fuming. Then, after both interlopers had been sent packing a most unexpected thing occurred. The family in front insisted I go ahead of them! With a rather large captive audience spectating I then had to launch into an explanation that as they were before me they should go first and anyone after should wait. I must admit, when it finally was my turn the cashier moved exceptionally quickly but it gives the lie to the Chinese expression that time doesn’t matter to them, when patently to others with no manners it does.

Bacon bought, it was off to Lottemart for trousers. That was an experience in itself. Even if I find it difficult to get shirts my size, due to the fact I wear my trousers under the gut it doesn’t present a problem. Or does it? I picked two pairs I fancied, there were cheap ones for 49y but these were 89y. The pockets felt as if they might last slightly longer than the last lot I bought so I dragged three assistants away from their gossip to ask for a tape measure. In the UK it is easy, I just select 38” waist and try them on. Here they have centimetres, US sizes and every other size standard possible and none of them are consistent. Good start, they tried to drag me over to the belt section. I got across that I wanted them to measure me eventually and when the penny dropped one of them exclaimed “ah! Ruler!”. Yes, a bendy one please!

According to them, all the middle range kecks didn’t go up that far. Very helpfully they produced a pair which I went and tried on. Way too big, suggesting madam hadn’t a clue how to read a tape. I said they were fine but too large and an even bigger pair came. By this time I was becoming exasperated and not a little ticked off with trying to conduct a conversation in my underpants whilst holding a cubicle door so I dressed and got it across that I needed smaller. Bingo, of three pairs I chose two. I just knew they were more expensive because the pocket linings are good. They were 186y a pair but if they last then I don’t mind - I just hope I marked the right length for the “alter the length of trousers” lady. I will find out when I try to wear them.

I think it was March when the butcher spayed Eeyore. Tonight she is displaying all the traits of wanting a mate again. Not as vocal admittedly but she is presenting herself to Tigger and Pooh for a seeing-to. Tigger is unmoved but Pooh - bless him because he can’t any more than Tigger can - is doing his best to simulate sex. What with this and the dog at the restaurant constantly trying to mount Robin, it is all rather unnecessary.

I’ve had enough. Watching some downloads is on the cards!

Sunday 19th August, 2012        2030

What a tiring weekend. What a fabulous one too!

We got up early yesterday morning, K wanted to take the bus (she would, because after Hefei she was going to Anqing to see her mother) but I insisted we bike it so I could leave mine at the station for my return - it’s only a fifteen minute ride and I had no idea what time I would get back today.

The buses leave every 45 minutes and we must have missed one by one minute! However, three hours after boarding we arrived in Hefei. The original plan had been for us to get lunch and then go to the hotel but I received a text telling us to go straight there so we could all eat together. The only bugbear was that the normally very busy main road running past the hotel frontage closed on Friday - for TWO YEARS! It’s absolute chaos and of course is a nightmare for guests trying to get a taxi. It does make the rooms nice and quiet though……

Lunch (as indeed were this morning’s breakfast and today’s lunch) was a buffet affair. Now buffets normally remind me of motorway service station food, but not at the Hilton. It made me wish I had an unlimited appetite because the things on offer were simply gastronomic delights. Something for everyone - Chinese, Western and they even have an Indian chef. And authentic French sticks.

We spent most of the afternoon drinking and all weekend I paid for just one beer in the hotel - just as well at 38y for 300ml - as my host’s largesse was exceptional. I don’t know how much (if any) of an entertainment allowance he gets but if he has one it took a large hit this weekend. Kiki was going to stay with a friend last night and my friend had an engagement from six to eight which turned out to be a staff leaving party. So, just after five I was taken to his quarters to dump my stuff, say goodbye to K and do my own thing for three hours.

I know of course that the lower ranks (cleaners, receptionists etc) have dormitory accommodation included in the package but I assumed the General Manager of a Hilton might have a half decent pad. I guessed I would be staying in his apartment on the 7th floor (it has 26) and assumed wrongly it would be functional but nothing special. My first clue was the fact his place is at the end of a corridor and has double doors. You will see from the photos that the entire place is Hilton standard but with two ensuite bedrooms, three large TVs, a spare loo, kitchen/diner and living room. It is enormous. And there was me worrying if they had the little toothbrush and toothpaste packs because I never bothered to take mine. My bathroom had all the trimmings including two shaving kits. Boy was I regretting not having made arrangements to stay two nights!

I went out for a walk and ended up at WalMart. There was nothing special in there that I can’t get at home except for Italian herbs, so I bought some to save having to use the internet. Seeing as it was about 36C even at that time I went in search of cold sustenance and a cooler atmosphere. Having been told even outside I would pay at least 30y for a beer (I pay 3y here) I was determined to “go native”. I chanced upon a square where there must have been a hundred plastic tables alfresco covered with pastel yellow tablecloths and accompanied by pastel blue chairs. I later discovered people eat food in the open from little stalls that set up selling everything from dumplings to noodles to smoked fish. I became aware of someone shouting at me and looked to note a woman who had to be a septuagenarian sporting a blind eye that looked permanently 45 degrees to one side independent of what the good eye did. It was obvious she wanted my custom, I wanted a cold beer, so I shouted to her “bin pijou??” (cold beer) and was given an enthusiastic response.

I entered and sat under the ceiling fan, slight relief from the oppressive day, and was presented with an ice-cold from Alex bottle. Result at 6y for 600ml so I knew where I would be staying until at least 1930! In my honour the aircon was switched on and the doors closed, together with someone placed on fly swatting duty. In fact it was quite fun playing spotter  and pointing out suitable victims - not quite so much fun when one was whacked and landed on my arm still kicking though. I stayed for four drinks and inwardly smiled when I heard the old woman outside entreating people to come inside and shamelessly using “laowei laoshi” (foreign teacher) to entice them.

Eventually I took my leave and strolled back to the hotel, leaving myself enough time to order and pay for the only ale I did there during the stay. The piano was going flawlessly and I found out why when I got past the raised lid - it was automatic. I had been instructed to go to the concierge at eight, when they would arrange for a hotel car to take me to where the other Steve was, collect him and we would then go for dinner. I could get used to that.

So we went to where the party was, he joined us and off we went to Bitburger. Having eaten lunch I didn’t have an appetite, but knew later I would be hungry if I didn’t eat so I ordered garlic bread and battered squid. The menu showed escargot but “mayo” was the answer to that - just as well as it happens because I couldn’t finish the other anyway. There was a live duo performing/singing and a little sweetie with the English name of Belinda befriended me (see photos). And yes, the beer was 35y for half a litre but it was “proper” beer. I had insisted I pick up the tab, my friend wouldn’t eat because he just had at the party, so I made sure we had a few. Normal German lager, Weissbier and then Kostryker black beer. Flipping expensive at 363y but given the hospitality my mate showered on us, the least I could do.

He called the car, we went back for a nightcap and then to his place. Non-smoking by his choice and of course I understand, he smokes cigars but probably averages one a day and he goes out to a “roof garden” on the 4th floor to do so. He also only drinks at weekends so by midnight he was done and turned in. We couldn’t figure out the TV in my room so he left me with the BBC news in the living room, which I watched until I finished a can and then I too called it a day.

I woke up twice in the night and hadn’t the foggiest where I was. There was no traffic noise and there were no animals. What a lovely sleep. Having been asked if I was getting up for breakfast earlier (I wouldn’t have if he hadn’t mentioned I could get an English one!) I set my alarm. Previously in conversation I had mentioned my dislike of hotels that only offer shower gel and no soap - if I know I go and buy a bar because I just can’t get on with the gel stuff. Not a word did he say. When I went to shower I found moisturiser, shampoo, gel, conditioner etc - in fact enough to start a beauty salon - but soap? Aha! One of those small circular bars was lurking on the side of the bath! I opened it feeling pleased and then thought it was rather powdery for soap. I checked the packaging and saw it was in fact bath salts! Arggh! Gel it had to be.

Breakfast was on the 24th floor and if the atmosphere was as it is here it would have been a terrific view, as it was it was just ok through the haze and smog. But I had sausages (not much cop but in China I would have fainted if they were proper bangers) bacon, French toast and proper sunny side up fried eggs AND!!  HP sauce! Incredibly, despite the presence of a fish/egg slice, the chap who fried the eggs for me not only did it with chopsticks but also put them on my plate using them! I could have done breakfast twice and finished off with toast and marmalade but knowing we would have lunch before departing I refrained.

I had arranged that Kiki would return at about ten so we could go to Metro but received a text asking if her friend “Jay” could come. Of course she could. My mate had a couple of hours work to do so this was ideal. Getting a cab is now very hit and miss because the road is closed but we succeeded. Mr Taxi was most helpful in advising we would have a problem getting a cab back from Metro, but only told us as we were arriving which I felt warranted exclusion from my Christmas card list. In the event I may as well not have bothered going. It was most disappointing because not having Kevin’s car plus our cool bags and Eskys I couldn’t buy anything frozen and the two things I wanted I couldn’t. Bisto was nowhere to be seen and the only kidney beans I saw were in enormous industrial cans. I did though get some tongs (handy for turning bacon instead of burning my fingers or using a fork and dropping it into the bottom of the oven) and a set of “cupcake” type containers for me to have a shot at making K Chinese egg tarts. With the shopping looking set to cost less than the cab fares I simply had to indulge myself by buying a bottle of port which I will crack open later to have with some cheese.

We had a bit of a hike in the midday heat to get near civilisation, I dragged us into a restaurant for  a swift one and then we took a taxi. we should have been back in good time but we hit traffic. I thought it was due to the road closure but it turned out not to be. There was an enormous jam caused by a car which had rear-ended a taxi. Minor damage, no injuries but both cars skewed to block two of three lanes, causing mayhem. Incredibly there was a policeman on scene and instead of taking a photo or two and getting the eminently driveable and roadworthy cars to pull to the side of the road and free up another lane, he was much more interested in taking particulars! Breathtaking.

Jay came for lunch as well which was again in the hotel, different restaurant but a buffet again. It broke my heart. All the things I wanted to eat but had to make a choice. There was roast beef, chicken and pineapple, there must have been a hundred different foods I can only dream of here. I grabbed some oysters and what I thought was smoked salmon but turned out to be sushimi. I met the Indian chef and Steve suggested nan bread. I haven’t had that in two years. Or curry. Heaven. I even had pudding - a ridiculously chocolatey thick mousse. The girls (being Chinese) mixed east and west with noodles, beef medallions and suchlike. By now I was really regretting not staying another night!

But of course we had to leave (I think we pinched a taxi another guest ordered) and according to Kiki the “very kind taxi driver” agreed to take Jay home before we went to the bus station. Something wrong there - I was more than happy to take her home but surely I was the “very kind person who was paying the taxi driver”?? No matter.

This time my luck was in. we bought the bus tickets and no sooner had I sat down than the bus reversed out. K was equally lucky as hers left a few minutes later. The bugger never stopped for a loo/fag break though (seems to only happen outbound) and unbeknown to me I was sat next to the son of a work colleague. During the trip she came back to talk to me, we teach in the same building but for the life of me I didn’t know her. One of the other female Chinese teachers from our department was taking her to dinner tonight and on hearing I was on the bus, invited me too. As politely as I could I declined. Not only was I too full to have yet another meal but I had to get back for the dogs. I did ask that they invite me another day and as long as I am free I will make a point of going.

Unlike the outbound journey where aside from the pee break the bus only stops at Hefei, the return journey (apart from not stopping for my purposes) halts to let people off all the way into Chizhou. This was no exception. What I found odd though was that it diverted from the route and stopped in a back street within spitting distance of Helen’s school. Not only that, but everyone left aboard decamped and he turned off his engine! Hang on a minute! My bike’s at the station and I am not paying for yet another taxi! The driver and his female helper were the only ones still on the bus bar me and the driver had lit up. I got it across that I wanted to go to the station but of course if he wanted to smoke, not to hurry as I would get off and puff on a cigar until we left. Nope. Stay on and smoke your cigar, and off we set. I can only guess that perhaps this particular bus is only ever populated by workers returning and the unauthorised stop gives the driver a breather before he goes back to base - on this occasion the laowei was a fly in the ointment.

As I said at the start, it was a superb weekend and one I am keen to repeat, however my friend has threatened to come and spend some time here first. We have an hotel which will provide equal accommodation for him (don’t know about the food but Kevin and I will sort out restaurants anyway - we can‘t do great western food but we certainly can Chinese) and I really hope he comes good and visits our turf.

At one point during the weekend I opined to him (in not so many words) that although I am sure the staff treat all their guests as VIPs I seemed to be getting the visiting head of state treatment, was it because I was the boss’s friend? I think we both know it is and although I quite enjoy it I am happy just being a “normal” guest even if perhaps I am not. These weekends are few and far between in life and I shall copy this in an email to my friend so he knows precisely how much it was appreciated and how much the opportunity to play host in our humble city will also be appreciated. Cheers Steve, come and slum it with us and we’ll have a blast!  

Friday 17th August, 2012          2200

And another gloriously lazy day, interrupted only by a quick trip to buy fish, the cooking of two animal dinners (tomorrow’s is in the fridge for Sky to give them), a visit by Kevin and of course dinner downtown.

It is always good when Kevin returns, not just because he brings things I ordered but also because we are good friends and of course I can have a mature conversation in English. I now have my latest toy, a nice half hunter (well I had to use the Amazon vouchers before they expired!), three Telegraph crossword books, a spaghetti fork and a non-stick fish slice. In addition I have a box of sage and onion stuffing and enough packet cheese sauces to enable me to cook lasagne once a month for a year! I had a glance at the crosswords earlier and I have to say that two years without doing a cryptic is going to leave me struggling to start with at the very least. I will find out how badly on the bus tomorrow.

I left at 1730 to go and collect Sonya for dinner and I noticed some evil looking clouds in the distance. Halfway there spectacular lightning bolts and deafening thunderclaps spiced up the trip, as did my phone ringing when I was but five minutes away from the bank. It was Sonya, wondering if I should cancel due to my safety? Er, no, I will be there very shortly. Indeed it did rain a few times - twice as we rode the mile from the bank to the prawn place but I knew they would be rapid violent downpours so simply stopped both times so her umbrella was effective at keeping us both dry.

She lives in Chizhou yet amazingly she has never been to either of the three restaurants on the 5th floor and I think she was quite taken aback when the door staff at the prawn and hotpot places vied with each other to convince me to use their establishments. It was of course all in good fun and I think they realise that if I am choosing the venue I will alternate between them - tonight was the prawn’s turn. The love bite girl (remember I embarrassed her a while back?) is now a firm friend. It transpires she is a chemistry major at our place yet I have never seen her on campus. Her English name is, believe it or not, Bunny, and tonight she said she really wanted to be friends with me so as is the norm in China we exchanged numbers. She is jolly attractive as well as being bubbly and outgoing and I rather like her.

We had a lovely meal - as usual there was too much food - and Sonya put me to shame for she is very slim and ate twice as much as me. The bill was a pleasant surprise, with my discount voucher we ate our fill and had 4 beers and an orange juice for 73y. I did ask if they had made a mistake but apparently not. It is most definitely my favourite eatery but oddly it is better if there are four of you. Whilst my highlight is the prawny bit, the Chinese love their vegetables, which come later. With just two you struggle to finish the first chapter. And when you think about it, dinner for four there including drinks works out at about £3.50 a head or a pint of Stella Artois in the UK. My only regret this evening was forgetting to take my camera.

So, I have packed my bag ready for our little jaunt in the morning. I only need a change of clothes, some liquid sustenance for the bus ride, camera etc but I have nothing resembling an overnight bag. Well, I have my leather executive bag I use for school which was a very new, very smart and very expensive purchase in the UK before I left. Due to feline attentions and a case of mistaken identity in that they thought it was a scratching post, instead of being a nice black affair it now resembles Greybeard’s chin.

So, my “luggage” for the weekend is a rope-handled cardboard Great Wall wine bag. It will not surprise me if K is so embarrassed she sits away from me on the bus.

Wednesday 15th August, 2012         2030

Not a lot to report because I opted for a lazy day (again). Aside from taking the mutts out and doing my laundry (plus K’s bedding because Kevin’s washing machine doesn’t spin, ever since she moved in she has been washing her clothes by hand despite my offer to do it for her) the only thing of note I have done is teach K how to do chicken wings. Unfortunately that involved revealing just how easy they are to make!

I am devastated that my 0830 class tomorrow has been cancelled and the adult student moved to 1500, I was really looking forward to getting up early! If you believe that……..
What it does mean is that K can bus to town and meet me after I finish and we can go for dinner instead of cooking. Unless Sonya cries off K will be fending for herself on Friday and I will have to cook Saturday’s animal dinner that day as well so all Sky has to do is take it out of the fridge.

I may just start watching the Olympics closing ceremony shortly after I make my dinner (cheese sandwich!) and I wonder if Robin will come home tonight after I let her out. She didn’t last night, instead she stayed out barking until the small hours and I wasted two eggs by missing the target from the third floor.

Thursday 16th         2100

Robin did come home and I did watch the ceremony. The whole thing frankly left me bored and it is coming to something when the only part I actually enjoyed was Eric Idle and The Bright Side of Life.

I saw my “VIP” student at three and bade farewell to the children’s school for the next two weeks or so after finishing. A good feeling indeed, as was the letter of thanks I was given. I still had over an hour before meeting Kiki so went to the chemist to buy my monthly supply. Having been used to getting free prescriptions in the UK it should be an imposition having to pay, but the lot came to 41y which is probably half the price of just one prescription “back home” so I can’t complain. Ok, so I’ve been going to the same pharmacy for two years, but bless her, one of the assistants has obviously very recently made the effort to learn the English drug names. I know roughly where they are in the shop and can find them (because the labels are bi-lingual) but today all I had to do was list all five and voila!

A swift couple in Ke Bi Wang so I could say hello to JinJun and then off to the commercial centre to await K’s bus. I could almost have imagined she was becoming English, for she stepped off the number 29 on the stroke of five. I only wanted a few bits of shopping but on the spur I took her into the supermarket clothes section. When I went the other day there were no assistants in sight and it was the same today. Incredibly all bar the one on the till (conveniently hidden miles away in the mother and baby section) were on a food break - great management - and the cashier had no time for anything other than the phone call she was on on her mobile. However, with K’s help, I bought two shirts. They are not what one would call generous in size, but they stretch and they do fit!

Dinner was Korean and K asked if she could change the pork skewers to mushroom (she has a thing for them). I quite like them too but God they were awful! They looked like cocktail sausages wrapped in bacon but the casing had the taste and texture of meat consisting almost entirely of fat and gristle. I was assured it was all vegetarian but nonetheless one was more than enough. Udong noodles and seafood followed and we made our separate ways home - she on the bus as she finds my new bike uncomfortable. Before we left she told me when we leave Hefei on Sunday I will return alone as she will take a bus to go home to be with her mother in Anqing for a while. That’s fine as long as she puts me on the right bus!

Kevin arrived back this afternoon so doubtless he will visit tomorrow and bring me my goodies from the UK along with tales of what a wonderful holiday he had! Surprisingly I am not jealous - apart from the Philippines bit - because my life has been full just staying here.

This blog site has been created almost two years from when I first started penning my experiences of life in the Middle Kingdom.

My apologies to anyone coming in now because it would take up too much of my life to try to post 480 previous blogs and something of the order of 400 photographs.

If you are a previous reader thank you for continuing, if new then welcome and I hope you enjoy it.