New Years Eve 2017 1040

Having this past week been descended on by myriad colonial oenophiles I was placed in the position of having to go supermarket shopping on a weekend, something I detest. Of course, this weekend will be even worse considering the time of year.

Yesterday by the time I decided to actually do something about it, the lateness of the hour saw my enthusiasm dwindle to naught. I have no choice but to go today and may the Lord have mercy on my shopping trolley.

I omitted to mention in Thursday's blog something which occurred before dinner. With the pie already cooked and the pizzas assembled I had nothing to do before the guests arrived, all that remained to be done was turn the oven on, whack the pepperoni and jalapeno treats in and wait.

So I sat in my office watching some programme or other.

The block of flats nearest me and which is “in series” with mine starts about twenty feet away from where I sit and after some time my peripheral vision picked up something out of the ordinary.

I looked and to my mild surprise I could see smoke and flames, which from my vantage point seemed to be emanating from the wall. I say mild surprise because some very strange things happen in China which in fact turn out to be the norm.

However, I did go outside in my new slippers to take a more detailed look. The burning material appeared to be dried twigs and leaves and was stuffed into a window recess. It was giving off the blackest of smoke, almost the colour a burning tyre does and it was discolouring the concrete awning over the easternmost entrance.

Now, on certain days of the year I have observed multitudes of small bonfires but hitherto they have always been confined to pavements and up against the bottoms of walls. These are lit on certain days (no idea which festivals) and are an homage to deceased ancestors. To kick such fires in order to extinguish them would be sacrilege and aside from small black scorch marks on the walls, do no damage. But stuffed in a window recess?

I was puzzled but as the material had almost been consumed and the flames were petering out, that coupled with a couple of elderly men watching unconcerned close by, I went back inside.

Some time later a chap in his forties emerged, swept up the residue and cleaned around the window and the underside of the awning. I felt this incident to be most odd even for here. When Pat and Ariel arrived to clean I quizzed them as to whether that day was a special ancestor day? No. I then related what had happened and that I felt had it been a remembrance thing it would have been lit on the ground. They agreed.

I then opined that perhaps someone had a disagreement with the resident behind the affected window and it was universally agreed this was the most likely explanation. It is unlikely I know (the buildings are concrete and steel and not a high fire risk) but there was obviously a chance the entire building could have gone up, with the result that dozens of tenants' lives were placed in jeopardy. I rather wish I had observed the culprit in the act.

So in thirteen hours this year will leave us. I am sure there will be some readers who, like me, will be glad to see the back of what for me at least has not exactly been a year I shall gaze back on with unconditional fondness.

Without re-reading all my blogs, the highs and lows that immediately spring to mind are of course last spring festival when my Mother left us, the sports days in which I participated and thought for a moment I had dislodged the scaffolding in my arm, the memorable but utterly exhausting and debilitating Hogg/Alley grand tour of China and the subsequent exacerbation of the hip problem, Jacob leaving unexpectedly and the consequential additional workload placed upon me, the resurgence of my interest in cooking due to meeting two young piglets who would otherwise starve and of course, The Fart That Stopped The Lift! There were more but too many to precis here.

For all the vicissitudes of the year I cannot deny it was eventful, neither will I say I pine for a 9 to 5 office job in which the highlights are the office Christmas party and a fortnight in Tenerife every August. I don't.

What I do want is to wish all my readers a Happy New Year wherever you are and hope you see in the new year in whichever way pleases you most. If I manage to remain conscious it could well be that I hear the fireworks as a background to a box set of Planet Earth II........

Whatever 2018 has in store for us we can't run away from it so embrace it, defeat it and above all, revel in it! Hic.........

Friday 29^th December, 2017 1000

Typing this stuck at work on really quite a pointlessly irritating day. Eight exams to carry out first thing, which were done and dusted by nine, I have been for a most unsatisfying McDonald's breakfast (the McMuffin smelt strange so I only ate half and am now praying they haven't poisoned me) and I now have four and a half hours to wait in order to test the very last five students. On the bright side I should be home using public transport at about 1630 but it is bitterly cold outside with the tiniest of snow fluttering in the breeze.

When I got to McDonald's yet again I wished I had my camera with me, there were dancers in traditional costume (Mongolian from the look of it) braving the deep-freeze and performing for passersby. Well, not all of them and in fact at one point they all came in to warm up, transforming McDonald's into a modern-day yurt. It was rather incongruous seeing these scarlet-clad elderly people tucking into their Big Breakfast, it produced a scene of stark contrast depicting ancient meeting modern.

Just before I left, three young girls, one of them perticularly attractive (no, not a spelling mistake or typographical error, I just made that word up and I think it describes her accurately) got up and started hauling their outfits from a large two-man holdall. They were very obviously the glamour element of an otherwise rather ugly troupe. I was rather taken with the loveliest of the three and so lingered over my coffee as she divested herself of her down jacket and proceeded to don her uniform. Interestingly, she put on what at first appeared to be wings (appropriate I thought, considering her somewhat angelic appearance) but which were in fact three miniature flagpoles and flags.

Before they all went back out to perform I had to sadly leave. As much as I wanted to tarry awhile and watch I needed to be back at school for the unlikely event that I had erred and there was one last student from a class to test. There wasn't so I could have stayed.

Yesterday I had made a rod for my own back. You know my cooking takes forever and I had an apple pie to knock up along with pizzas. Admittedly I have now discovered the benefit of boiling a cinnamon stick with the apple (the ground stuff was critically low) and this time I think I perfected the pastry. That had to be cooked beforehand because four pizzas literally fill my oven.

I was deeply concerned to note that after two hours my dough hadn't risen appreciably and had visions of having to restart the process using a new packet of yeast, thinking the old pack had died on me. Holding my nerve, I left it a further two hours and was relieved when it finally rose, producing a beautifully soft and springy result. In fact it may be my new method of baking bread from now on.

The American contingent started the evening by asking if there were five or ten pizzas per capita, presumably referring to both their hunger level and mocking my 9” pizza trays for being too tiddly. Nobody finished more than one, not even that world-famous garbage disposal unit Annie. The slices I myself left were taken away at the end though, never to be seen again. Thankfully my boast that I made better pizza than Pizza Hut was well and truly proven correct.

So in less than five hours, for me school will be out. For some unknown reason I will have the longest spring festival ever with eight weeks sitting on my bum. I shan't complain – yet.

Stephanie has I hope gleaned a valuable lesson regarding booking flights home. She flies back to the old colony (can't recall where, maybe Massachusetts, I know Annie is from a ghetto in LA) at 0740 on 1^st February. Bloody stupid time to fly even under optimum conditions but in a city where the airport is possibly two hours from your home it pays to check public transport times before making reservations.

The first train arrives at the airport fifteen minutes AFTER the plane departs and the first coach might get there forty minutes before if you are lucky, although early morning city traffic can frustrate plans. The only alternatives are a taxi (should be 200\ but they always rip you off and demand 300\) or going the night before and staying in an hotel.

She chose the latter. The atmosphere became a trifle fraught when searching online for rooms though. One hotel (many were fully booked as it is after all the biggest holiday in China) offered a room for nearly 5,000\! She could probably buy another return flight home for that money and considering that amount would purchase a night in the presidential suite of a Hilton, for a grubby, sand-swept boarding house it was downright preposterous. She did though manage to get a room for the price of a rip-off taxi and it includes breakfast she will not eat unless she has taken a liking to Chinese rice soup (their version of porridge), tea eggs and thirty-five different varieties of (uugghh!) tofu.

No idea what I shall do, more than likely stay put but you never know, impulsive behaviour has on occasion triumphed although I really am trying to save for a summer holiday – wherever and with whomever that may be.     

Boxing Day 2017 2100

I never predicted feeling as exhausted as I did on Christmas morning but I had predicted being back home by noon. In fact I was back for 1130.

I tucked in to what would constitute my entire Christmas day consumption, a bacon and egg baguette and eventually took a nap. I think I felt even worse after that than I had in the morning.

Then of course it was time to play Santa at Annie's party. The Santa outfit, despite having only been worn on half a dozen occasions and stored in a rucksack all year between outings, is looking decidedly grubby. I may need to try and source a good quality washable one in future although it will not be easy from here.

I did my bit and afterwards duly posed for photographs. When Annie was otherwise engaged towards the end of the party, Stephanie fiddled with the music machine to get it to play Kevin Bloody Williams' rather ribald take on Ho Ho Ho! At this point and with the dean there, we felt it prudent to depart the room and stand outside innocently having a smoke, leaving Annie to face the not-so-literal music.

She of course was instantly aware of what the song lyrics are but the joke was on us for the children there simply danced to it and none of the Chinese, including, unbelievably, the dean, twigged!

Afterwards I think the entire Lanzhou Regiment of Peace Corps descended on my flat. All American and sporting such names as Lincoln, Denver and Christa – where do they get them from??

Today's dinner went almost as planned. The exception was that the 2lbs of frozen peeled king prawns I had bought for the curry, on partial defrosting after five hours out of the freezer turned out to be shell-on. Thankfully Steph arrived early to help with the peeling, after which we should probably have gone to Number One People's Hospital for frostbite treatment.

I was the only one to leave a small amount of curry on my plate and that merely due to gastric space restrictions, it was good and so were the chapattis. The crumble was delicious and despite my reservations, I acceded to the girls' demand to make yak milk custard. It was declared creamier than with cows' milk although that says more about their ignorance of how cornflour, eggs and heat affect consistency than any supposed improvement by using powdered yak milk!

Nobody left hungry, that's for sure and the next challenge is making pizzas on Thursday. It has to be a year since I last made them and I have a different breadmaker now so will enter uncharted waters. I suppose I could hand make the dough if it goes south.

 

Christmas Eve 2017 0045

Sunday is normally one of my frequent lazy days but it seems sensible to make it busy this time. I shall do the shopping so that I don't have to buy stuff for our boxing day dinner on the day. I could have done it tomorrow but in case I need a rare siesta between getting home and playing Santa in the evening, at least now I have the choice.

I will also email Pat my internet shopping list, the last of this year and my last chance to stock up on Bisto, cheese and other essentials. Tonight and into the wee hours (and still am) I downloaded Christmas songs. I am definitely a Bah Humbug! sort of cove and in the west viewed this time of year as simply a holiday with an excess of food and booze and a surfeit of arguments.

So yes, I pretend to be jolly in my red suit (and the new beard I bought as the old one tickled my nose) and Annie asked if I could organise some music for the party she organised for the students. We were all amused at learning Dean Li invited Annie to go to her own party!

Anyway, I think I have nigh on 2 hours of music and if I say so myself, it's a pretty damned good playlist with bits of everything for everyone. Even as a Scrooge I defy anyone to start listening to Christmas songs and not get in the mood!

All that remains is to wish all my readers a very Merry Christmas and hope that my wishes reach you in good health. The happiness part will depend on how you spend your festive season and who with. Mine will be considerably different to most in both the fare and location although I shall at least have the company of two young ladies from whom I am separated by a common language, to quote one of my top two heroes!

My thanks go to anyone who has commented on my blog regardless of which platform you read it on, it's always nice to know there is at least one reader. Especial thanks must go to those who intentionally, obliviously or accidentally enrich or have enriched my life by having been in it this year.

That includes, but is not limited to, my students, Shenyang Steve (doubtless as I type founding the Kuala Lumpur chapter of the Klueless Klucks Klan), Geoffrey Haskins (last spotted looking like the President of a central African country) and Capt Roland Orange who has just commenced a new job but is still earning more in a month than I do in a year.

There are of course others and their omission diminishes not their importance to me.

I cannot say the past year has been a good one because it most certainly wasn't, however I always say that even in the bleakest of times if you look hard enough you can always find something good. Something to laugh about, enjoy or simply gaze upon in wonder.

We none of us know what the future holds, we all simply ride the rollercoaster of life and that's what makes life worth living.

Be happy folks, be healthy. Be optimistic. And LIVE your life!!

Merry Christmas, eat too much, get drunk but most of all, be around to read this annual post next year. 

Thursday 21^st December, 2017 1220

Bang goes an era. News just in is that Shenyang Steve has been booted out of Doubletree Shenyang as of tomorrow so no more Liaoning visits for me. I was only thinking the other day that he had been billeted there for an inordinately long time, five years by my reckoning.

However I am very pleased for him as his next hotel is in Kuala Lumpur. You may wonder why I am pleased – his wife and son live there, it's his hometown these days. I am already mentally planning my summer '19 holiday via Shanghai, I can spend time in Shanghai before and after KL. Every flight from here goes via Pudong anyway (and takes as long as flying from here to Heathrow!). I could even fly business class.

It has been many years since I was last in Malaysia and I never saw KL other than the airport. Hugely important is the fact I like Malaysian food. I wonder if I will finally get to experience the alleged gastronomic delights of a “steamboat”.

Ok, I need to shower soon, head off out for my medicines and some eggs and be back by three. Adriana is indeed coming this afternoon and I have cooking to do. My only concern is being able to successfully poach and debone that fish. If I can't then I shall be stymied, there are no alternatives locally. Time will tell.

Friday 22^nd 1830

Last night was eventful, that's for sure.

Adriana came around three and rather than watch as she had said, she did homework. I defrosted the huge fish and the only thing big enough to take it for poaching was the enormous wok I was given on sports day. When I tried to flake the flesh off the bones it didn't take long to discover it was boneless anyway! I fretted for nought.

The pie was a hit and miss affair, I just guessed at what herbs and seasoning to use but in fact it turned out very well indeed. Apart from the whines from the American contingent about wanting Mickey Mouse or star shaped pancakes, they went down well too. Sadly the same cannot be said of Adriana.

I actually feel incredibly sad. When she arrived she was so excited to be having dinner with Annie and Stephanie they were all she talked about. She even brought a bottle of Canadian white wine (Canadian??) of which she was undeniably proud. The wine was far too sweet and Adriana simply never stopped talking. We've all done it – had a few drinks and become a motormouth but there is a dreadful story at the back of it and one which I will not share, courtesy and decency demand it so.

When the two Americans left Adriana became a completely different person and we had a long chat. I don't think Annie and Steph will hold an episode of chatting for China against her but my guess is that she was simply too excited and too desperate to fit in that she went a long way over the top.

Once her story was told and she realised I understood, wasn't as she expected going to ask her to leave, she transformed. She is welcome to come here and stay again during the holidays.

Of course, I ended up so tired today. As always, the students on east campus never did as asked and all I have left next week are I think 8 to test on Monday morning, similar Friday morning and annoyingly, 5 on Friday afternoon. But then, barring any parties (doubtful as their other exams will start) I will be on holiday. I have to say that after this term, I feel as if I not only need it but damned well deserve it.

Wednesday 20^th December, 2017 1800

Ok, you know in the end rather than teach the school a lesson (which apparently I could have done, it would have meant the practicum being rescheduled) but as always I thought of the students. It would have inconvenienced them.

I also looked on the bright side – if I tested them all today I have next Wednesday off! That means I can have a cracking Christmas dinner evening on boxing day without having to get up early!

But hell, I am never doing that again. Aside from my being brain-dead at the end, in order to get through them so quickly it meant testing them in the class rather than in private and I don't like that. I am sure the students would prefer privacy as well but needs must in this instance.

Of course, with everyone listening to my questions and without a shadow of doubt formulating their own replies should they also get a repeat question, I had to invent thirty different topics so every person in the class had an unknown subject. Not as easy as you may think although a little easier with English majors. On the other campus I am restricted to about six questions because they can't understand the other ones.

I did get a call at lunchtime from Vice-Dean Li in response to my irate text last night. She apologised as she was responsible for having me informed of the completion date and it was she who forgot about the clash of exams. She then offered to reschedule but of course by then I had already completed two of three classes, no way was I going to not finish the afternoon class. For one thing, it would mean I would have to clamber the seven floors again just for about ten students. No ma'am, if I am going to knock myself bandy due to the school cocking up then I shall reap the reward of a day off!

It's done now.

Adriana called last night. She is considering coming to my home tomorrow afternoon (cancelling a French tutorial to do so) and eating with us. I am going to try making Admiral's pie, an easy enough task in the UK because you can buy boneless fish. Not so here. I have a skinless and large white fish in the freezer and I hope I can poach it and detach the flesh from the bones well enough to use it along with peas and prawns for the filling. Now I have the pancake bug I reckon dessert is sorted too.

I told her to arrive (if she is coming – she is supposed to call tonight to let me know) at 1730 but oh no, if she comes she wants to come early to watch me cook. I can't think of anything more boring. The way I cook could be likened to an intermittent Graham Kerr. A bit of work then go and sit down to have a drink before returning again to do some more work etc. She is even intimating she will stay the night even though I informed her I will get up at 0500 on Friday. We shall see what transpires. My guess is she will indeed come. 

Tuesday 19^th December, 2017 2020

Yesterday was full-on with testing. Even more so in the afternoon when, after examining the sixteen students I specified there still seemed to be hordes massed outside my office. I was tempted to send the surplus away but given that the school bus didn't leave for ages I decided to get as many done as I could. That would mean far less work next Monday afternoon.

Pointless really, or so I thought, because of the English corner Christmas Day.

By the end there were merely two students left to test. Now, I don't mind working on Christmas day – I did enough of that at sea – but I do mind probably finishing at 0930 then hanging around clicking my heels until 1430 to test two students who couldn't bother to come and then another two hours for an English corner.

When I got home I decided that my phone, which is quiet at the best of times (although I normally get the odd text or call trying to sell me a house or a flat) had been decidedly mute. This turned out to be because it had been off all day, my having failed to turn it on when I woke. A text from the morning came in telling me the afternoon class had to all turn up for testing as next week they had other exams!

I emailed Janet and explained the situation. I would rather finish at around 1000 and go home. I can instruct the recalcitrant two pupils to present in the morning break or risk being given zero for the test and I could be home in time to actually cook Christmas dinner for Annie and Stephanie on the day itself rather than boxing day.

Great.

I think Janet agreed. Earlier today I cut things a little fine what with leaving it late to go shopping and actually caused myself stress as to whether I would prepare the meal on time tonight. As it turned out my timing was perfect and the lasagne was ready as soon as the girls had a welcome drink and chat.

I asked what they were doing on Christmas evening with the intention of announcing we would have our dinner on the day. Annie cheerfully piped up with “I am going to the Peili Christmas party with you!”

Eh?

Yes, you are dressing up as Santa!

When did we discuss this? I thought maybe previously I had been rather more in my cups than I thought and had assented.

Just now.

What??

It seems Annie accepted the invitation on my behalf, very kind of her. I will still be cooking on boxing day. But I will be Father Christmas on Monday. I will not however be taking a secret Santa present – merely appearing in costume ought to suffice! This is at odds with the recent news that a university in Shenyang has banned students from any form f celebrating Christmas.

They then gave me a card and a gift. The wording they penned in the card was very touching indeed and their gift showed considerable forethought. For a couple of months now I have been doing what many people do when they need to replace something – we say, I really need to get a new one or some new ones, then never actually do.

Well they clearly remembered because my gift was a pair of oven mitts. If I was forced to make a list for Santa they would have been at the top followed by black socks and boxer shorts. Thoughtful gifts are always more valuable than expensive ones and I am really pleased.

On to dinner. I got a BOGOF on grated mozzarella in BHG and was happy considering one bag is 41y. I found out why it was on offer when I opened a bag and found that far from being grated it had solidified into one misshapen lump! I suspect the second bag will be likewise and, forewarned, next time I will slice it instead of as today, trying to break off little lumps!

The verdict from Stephanie? “This is the best salagne (although she vehemently denied the malapropism afterwards) I have ever had – I have to send a picture to my Mom and tell her it's better than anything she ever made”.

I am on critically low levels of cinnamon (not something you pick up in supermarkets here except in stick form) so used mace for my bread and butter pudding. It was fine but not as pungent as cinnamon so as I have plenty of mace, next time it calls for more sugar.

But Stephanie referred to it as French toast. I am used to her peasantry (translated into American: trailertrashspeak) because she described my Yorkshire (pronounced York-Shy-ire) puddings as Yorkshire bread. My efforts at education extend well beyond mere students.

But a great night marred only by the news that apparently my exams on Peili should be finished this week and not next as planned following information provided, because some of my students have a practicum next week. I could have done that. But I was told I needed to finish by next Friday and I have an email to prove it. It will be as planned and it is the school's fault if half the students attain zero marks. I won't feel guilty for following instructions although in future I may advance matters by a week to achieve yet another extra week of holiday!

Ah, it's all good fun here – even when you do what they ask it still turns out they asked you to do wrong!!  

Sunday 17^th December, 2017 0230

I shall explain the lateness of the hour later.

Firstly I should like to correct a “senior muddle” when I moaned that if I finish early a week on Friday I would still not get home till late. Not true, the English corner is to be on Christmas Day, I have the Tuesday off and will be cooking our festive meal that day.

Yesterday was a day I would rather not have had. Last night I lost the internet and it was far too late to expect anyone to be working at that time to fix it. No problem, watch some iPlayer downloads and it will be sorted in the morning.

Except it wasn't fixed in the morning. I waited until lunchtime before the thought of being offline the entire weekend consumed me and I tried to send text messages to ask what the score was.

In the meantime I discovered my kitchen sink was blocked. It's always a build-up of oil/fat and normally a boiled kettle or two sorts it – if I put oil down it I always run the hot tap. Not today, and neither did the plunger do the trick. I am not fond of DIY at all but today, with no internet, instead of trying to get maintenance to come, I dismantled all the plumbing myself. It took dismantling a coathanger and digging the mini fatberg out to get there but I did it. And it was indeed a mini one, it should have surrendered after five minutes of boiling water but it was tenacious.

It was then that I spotted my phone said “emergency”. I had no signal. Having been driving a truck in central London some years ago when there were terrorist bombings and having been unable to call my Mother to let her know not to worry, I was fine, and being unable to because Westminster ordered all the mobile signals shut down, you can imagine my thoughts. Mum always watched the news and particularly when I was in China if she saw news of an earthquake 3,000 miles from me she would call to ask if my home was still standing.

No internet AND no mobile? Were we in the middle of a terrorist incident or perhaps Trump had started war with Kim Jong Fatty? I had no way of knowing.

The phone signal eventually returned and Dean the IT teacher shed some light. CET6 took place yesterday, the national College English Test. The internet was shut down to prevent cheating and the mobile coverage was an unrelated fault. Thanks for telling the foreign teachers in advance as usual!

I actually think it's a liberty because I don't actually live on campus so all my neighbours were offline as well. Why in God's name they can't simply tell the students no phones allowed and frisk them when they enter the exam I know not. Failing that, jammers are freely available which when plugged in block signals for whatever radius you purchase. But no, deprive everyone for miles of internet and don't tell them why, leaving them to spend half the day trying to fix a problem they themselves actually don't have!

Anyway, it finally came back at 1830 so I was offline for maybe 22 hours.

However, Dean asked me to go for a drink. I didn't really want to but considering I cancelled on him a fortnight ago having already agreed (my shoulder suddenly became agony in the middle of the day for no reason) I felt obliged and said yes. Anyway it's not often I get to see, let alone drink gin here.

Six and a half hours later, at 0200 this morning, we got a taxi home. I could easily have stayed later because I persuaded Dean and the owner to play dou dizhou with me, a Chinese card game I particularly like. I can hold my own and even if you play for 10y a game nobody over the course of an evening wins or loses anything more than 100y in my experience. It doesn't half pass the time though!

It was a really good evening and made a change to the normal routine. All it cost me was the taxi to get there and back because Dean once again insisted on paying the bill. Not bad actually at 440y considering apparently I had nine double Tanquerays and he had three! I feel a little uneasy at being paid for every time even though he is happy to do so. I think (seriously) that he wants me to invest with him next year to open our own bar.

Not such a bad idea although he wants to only sell the local brew. I suggested theoretically that we should sell cheap and imported and also do western food – proper western pub grub. That was we could hopefully get the standard Chinese drinkers and also the wealthy ones and foreigners who would buy the imported booze. Food for thought.

I just hope I haven't knocked my body clock too far off because I really don't want to test students all day Monday whilst yawning – and the farmer ones will really send me to sleep!

Ah well, I am online.

Friday 15^th December, 2017 1945

I have had a bellyfull of exams already. A typical one with the non-English students goes thus:

Describe your family to me.

They are five people. My grandmother, father, mother, my brother and me.

And what job does your father do?

Farmer.

Ok, what does he farm?

Sorry?

What does he grow on the farm?

Sorry?

Ok, what does he produce?

Sorry?

A farmer produces food – what is it?

Sorry?

Sigh..... vegetables? Fruit? Eggs? Pork?

I don't know how to say it.

Bear in mind this is a poor, sparsely populated province and that a good many of my students are from farming stock (sprinkled with the odd Tibetan horse-riding yurt dweller) the above conversation took place around twenty times today!

I am being kind and tailoring as best I can the questions to their ability to maximise their scores but some are exasperating. Two of the boys I mentioned before who come to every class yet speak no English came for their tests as well. I asked them one question, “Can you speak any English?”

Mayo. One even informed me he was Tibetan, as if that should grant him a pass mark.

What it means is that they don't have compulsory English lessons in Tibet so to be fair it is a valid reason for the lack of ability in the subject but I have entered a question mark rather than a score. I am worried that if I am benevolent they will be returned to me next term when to be honest the best thing would be for them to be told to play basketball instead. I shall discuss their situation with Janet. It's not fair on them or me for them to be forced to attend a class in what is to them double Dutch.

And of course I am still getting either entire classes turning up expecting me to test them all in an hour and a half, fourteen instead of the sixteen requested or as per the second morning class, too many and begging me to do them today. I lost half an hour of my lunch break today making sure those who had waited were done. Ordinarily I would be happy to work extra now to make my last week easier but if Janet comes good on what she says, even if I finish early on the 29^th I will still have to stay late for the English corner. Normally I work the exams to my advantage and have a leisurely last day but it is all going wrong this time! Ah well, I can console myself with around six weeks of holiday once it is over.

I still don't know if Joan is visiting next month or what is happening with the forced purchase of her family home. Adriana wants me to go with her to Chengdu and I am unsure. Chengdu featured in the first episode of The Real Marigold Hotel recently and to be honest never looked anywhere different to other cities. Miriam Margoyles (Professor Sprout in Harry Potter to our Chinese readers) in the fake ocean attraction did however prove amusing.

Oh well, the weekend is here. I shall recharge myself ready for more pulling of hens' teeth on Monday when the offspring of farmers present for examination. 

Thursday 14^th December, 2017 2130

Well bugger me.

Firstly it should be said that since the two lunatic Yankees entered my life I have been more adventurous in my kitchen. I should perhaps apologise to Kevin and Ollivier for my lack of derring-do in Chizhou but to be honest I lacked confidence. I was just a basic home cook and wanted to produce simple fare.

I still am but am now refining my skills. I would never have dreamed of making bread and butter pudding, custard, stuffing or anything that might go wrong. Not so now.

So it was rather bizarre to cook a roast pork, roast potatoes, carrot puree, cabbage, gravy and huge Yorkshire puds – basic fodder - and have them enthuse over it! Admittedly I finally guessproximated amounts on the Yorkshire correctly (none of which was left) and achieved near-perfection.

I am happy tonight.

Stephanie is now ovulating at the very thought of lasagne next Tuesday and Alice is, along with the others, eagerly anticipating pepperoni and jalapeno pizzas the Thursday after Christmas. Sadly Alice can't make Boxing Day but what the hell, at least Annie and Steph turn up and don't let me down.

The two Mercans had to leave early for another university's performance of “Cats”. Not something that would interest me and so I asked Alice if she would like to watch BBC programmes. I am not sure I shall invite anyone Chinese to do that again – they spend half the time checking and answering messages and they do not in the slightest think it is rude. What did I expect?

I am avoiding putting this on social media but I am currently endeavouring to recover a cancellation penalty for a telephone service deducted from my late Mother's bank account. No trifle at almost 600 pounds (5,000y+) and which I believe to be fraudulent.

Distance selling regulations and all that, the cold call never once mentioned contract, length or cancellation penalties. Quite aside from not delivering what was promised, in my view it was mis-sold and terms and conditions were only provided 6 months later. I am on the warpath.

The first shot was fired and I received the reply “Sorry we can't refund”. Standard bollocks and one which, judging from the internet, fobs most people off. They don't know me. The latest response to my reminding that the ostrich treatment will not work and the deadline is Monday met with a “please give us the account number”. WHAT??? An ongoing complaint and it is not flagged?

Nice try but no coconut. The deadline is still Monday, following which Phase 2 is the ombudsman. They really don't want to get to Phase 3 or heaven forbid Phase 4.

That money, which I intend them to repay, is earmarked for half the payment for a tombstone for my parents.

They may think they are clever. We shall find out.   

Wednesday 13^th December, 2017 1900

I can't wait for spring festival. Six weeks during which I can sleep whatever hours I care. Except all that will change is I will sleep less than I need at odd times. For many years, seven hours was perfect and I kept a circadian rhythm largely along those lines.

These days I have nights where I am dog-tired but constantly waken at regular intervals. Even on days off I can't catch up. I have never considered sleeping pills, I suppose I was frightened I would sleep through my alarm, probably unfounded of course but I have had a lifelong aversion to being late. That time I set my alarm for 1100 by mistake when it should have been 0500? The awful realisation that it was light outside and the dreadful feeling that something was wrong?

Did you know that you can buy every medicine known to man over the counter here except sleeping pills and anti-depressants? It brings to mind the idiotic UK law where they can only sell you 48 aspirin at a time in case you commit suicide by overdose. How nanny state is that? In the UK I can be given enough prescription drugs to do the job satisfactorily but a supermarket has to restrict my aspirin. And what's to stop me going to ten supermarkets within an afternoon?

And no, for God's sake don't think I am thinking of topping myself, I'm not – although spending many waking hours trying to invent new menus for my young American friends is enough to make most people seriously think of it!

I hate Wednesdays. Seventh floor mountaineering expedition and then trapped all day. It was their last class for this term, next week I start their exams as well. One class has not had one student absent all term (or at least if they did they texted to ask for leave), Pat's class had two who had a day off and never asked and Alice's class had one. I pointed this out to each class.

The two miscreants in Pat's class were aghast, suddenly a points deduction loomed! For one lesson? Not going to happen. The sole transgressor in Alice's class was so concerned she enlisted Alice in the break to come out with her to protest her innocence as she had sent a message. She had but after the class. I don't envisage anyone even coming close to failing in the English majors but it was good to see that my threats at the beginning were being taken seriously and that they actually cared.

They will all pass. It only remains to be seen by how big a margin. A far cry from my day job on east campus. And do you know, it will be a very tight race for the top spot – there's Pat, our speech winner, Ariel her best mate and Alice. Two of them may get a shock because I am leaning towards Alice. Let us see how they perform in the tests.

Normally on Thursdays I feed the girls something simple, the more complicated meals being reserved for Tuesdays. Tomorrow though I don't have to prepare a second course and I have no intention of going to their bloody corner plus there's leftover crumble. So I shall do a roast pork and have another bash at Yorkshire pudding. I am determined to achieve light and fluffy results at some stage – not easy without a set of scales.

To that end I bought the necessary from the stalls tonight to save me having to do so tomorrow. Nice large lump of pig, some veg and an apple for the sauce. Whilst buying the veg I noticed that for the first time in weeks, the veg stall was now suddenly stocking pigeons again. Are they taking the piss? They remember only too well my purchasing and liberating three birds for Chinese new year's eve. Could it be that they are expecting a bumper payday again this coming new year? If I see a veritable aviary in stock this year I shall know. And they may well see my business going to the stall a little further up.

Haha! I just remembered something Steph said last night. She related how Trey (another Peace Corps slave – a walking bum who looks like a weeble) was complaining over how much weight he has lost since coming to China. Stephanie for some strange reason, has put ON weight............    

Tuesday 12^th December, 2017 2130

Oh boy, 500y in BHG today! And for that I only got a half case of wine too. One of those days when everything you buy in bulk needs replenishing, admittedly.

Industrial packs of tissues, washing up liquid, coffee – you name it, I needed them all this week. The good thing is that I can afford to buy in large quantities, it was not always thus.

So today, being a Tuesday (Thursdays are similar) it was La Maison Stevebooth for the two starving Americans, who, unlike their counterparts, in fairness always come or at least give me notice in advance that they are otherwise engaged. Denver, one of Annie's friends who had agreed to come because she was dying to meet me, cancelled half an hour before dinner was ready.

An emergency? No, my suspicion is that she simply had a better offer. When I think back to Chizhou and the time the Europeans (Kevin, Ollivier and me) refused an invitation to dinner from the university leaders proffered less than two hours before because we had invited students to a Western Wednesday and refused to break a commitment I wonder whether many people still value keeping their word any more. It's like your Mum cooking Sunday lunch having spent all morning slaving over it and then calling to say sorry. I would like to utilise a stronger word than “disgusting” but I shall refrain. I am not a cafe or hotel. I don't charge and I pay out of my own pocket.

Annie and Stephanie are fine, as are the students I invite but I shall not look lightly upon any more requests for American teachers to join us. Maybe I should take a 200y booking deposit, forfeited on a no-show but refunded on attendance?

Anyway, I actually quite like just the three of us. We can be ourselves – swearing, a little smutty at times and generally relaxing in good company, not something you can do often in Chinese company, if at all.

Anyway, I made chicken a la king and apple crumble. I would really love to have rhubarb in season but it is nowhere to be found. Both dishes were my second attempt. The crumble I made last time I used way too many oats and you needed a gallon of custard to dampen it down. Ironed that out and I must say it was great, along with my second custard, this time using all the eggs instead of only yolks. No wasting of albumen in future!

My first chicken a la king (Stephanie and Annie saw tonight's before it was cooked and stated it was Steve's chicken stew – how little they know!) was made purely for myself and I made it too runny, also the chicken bouillon I used was out of date so it was a disaster. Tonight was a triumph, if a little too thick in my view. I served it with steamed rice which seemed odd to me. My memory tells me that aboard HMS Conway we were given it with mashed potatoes for the occasional Sunday lunch. Perhaps Old Conways can answer the question?? Every recipe I found suggested rice or noodles though.

Now I know it is hardly cordon bleu but sometimes dishes from our youth take our fancy and so it was the case here. I make no pretence at being a particularly good cook. But as Chef Gusteau famously said, “Anyone can cook but only the fearless can be great!”. I'm not great but I am fearless – I will try things out at a dinner party for the first time and yes, occasionally achieve culinary sewage with no back-up of ordering an Indian for home delivery in the event of a catastrophe. Mostly it works out fine -that or the guests like it and I hate it.

Denver (that's some name!) lost. The three musketeers ate well. I can't believe Stephanie took the last of the rice and chicken home – it will be solid in the morning!

I found out today that I will again be huffing and puffing my way up seven floors at least one day a week on Peili campus. I only enquired to ensure they organised the necessary text book if required. I actually quite like teaching diverse classes and would love it if my classes were on the 3^rd or 4^th floor but the 7^th is not appreciated.

I foresee a tug of love looming. Assuming my contract is to be renewed next year, I am certain east campus will assert ownership rights to my services. I am rather hoping that for a new year another Peace Corps volunteer will be provided to relieve me of what is after all a burden, albeit it HAS given me access to students to be my cleaners and internet shoppers. If they arranged my timetable so as to have enough free time to shop and cook then I could handle it but my dinner parties have to end early because I always have to get up at a sparrow's fart the next day.

Oh, and despite the girls telling me their volunteer stipend was 1900y a month (a pittance at that) they have now realised it is 1400y, or £160 a month! £60 of that for me goes on cigars, £75 on wine and then there is the beer and the jing jo BEFORE I even start to eat!

Small wonder the two girls are up for anything I cook. One thing you may rely on though – when I cook our Christmas dinner on Boxing Day none of the cancellees from previous invitations will be invited. It will just be me, Stephanie and Annie and maybe one of my good Chinese students or two. I reward loyalty, not the doormat treatment.

Sunday 10^th December, 2017 1640

Oh boy, Saturday was a complete write-off!

I just couldn't stir myself to do the monthly cigar run. Instead I stayed in the warm and defrosted a couple of enchiladas for my dinner. Later I dozed off watching “La Amistad” (a film about slaves which is three hours long) for half an hour which was death for an early night for me.

At 0230 I called it a day and still couldn't lose consciousness. Having arranged for Alice to come here at 1100 this morning I had to be up by 1000 but Sod's law stated that I woke far too early (before eight) and no chance of further slumber.

Having promised Alice a lunch (she is one of three very helpful students) it gave me the impetus to travel downtown for the smokes and not, as would probably otherwise have been the case, defer it to Tuesday or Thursday.

Sunday traffic in China is often equally as bad as a Monday morning rush hour and that was the case today. A 40 minute bus ride took 50% longer. There were enough cigars for this month but I would only have left them 200 in stock so I cleaned them out and bought 700 in total. I also found out they “may” get more in January. Luckily I have just about enough at home now to last until February, current stock being 930. I really don't want to have to start traipsing all over the city visiting every China Tobacco shop searching for a hundred here and a hundred there again! I think in a year the closest store to east campus has had the sum total of 100 – six days worth.

It was a fair hike to the chosen lunch venue, which is at the end of the road and the cold was biting. Colder than the UK but without the heavy snow I have been reading of.

I had wondered if, it being Sunday lunch, the Lanzhou Legend Hotel might have an all you can eat mixed western/Chinese buffet but I had never been there, simply passing it on various buses two or three times a week. We would find out but I was certain we would be able to get both types of food, it being a 5 star place.

No buffet but an a la carte restaurant with both disciplines, although the western offerings were all steaks. We ordered two set meals comprising fruit salad (with tomatoes in it – the Chinese way!), coffee, soup and garlic bread, rounded off with a sizzling steak, onions, egg, broccoli (ugh) and a choice of rice or spaghetti. What is wrong with chips or a jacket potato??

The soup had me excited for a minute, it looked as though it could be home made tomato, carrot and lentil or, please no – pumpkin. My excitement evaporated quicker than my salary. Pumpkin (or punkin to any American readers) soup is far too sweet for me.

But

At least the steak was beef and not a plastic frozen supermarket one. Allegedly they do a mixed buffet breakfast for almost 100y which is expensive but nevertheless I may get up early one morning in the holidays and try it.

A costly day today but my cravings will be fed for now. And our two dinners weren't that hideously priced at 220y in all including two Tsingtaos for me. Not only that, we got nice and warmed up after the Arctic blast outside.

Back to the grind tomorrow.      

Friday 8^th December, 2017 2340

Yup, it's late.

Did I expect to be awake at this time? No.

Having gone to English corner on Peili campus last night (and incidentally explaining to them that I was only a guest teacher on their campus plus the fact I hate English corners, theirs is now on the 7^th floor and the following day I need to rise at 0500 just maybe they now have the message). But yes I went because they had specifically asked me to go and Annie was elsewhere with the Peace Corps.

I am an east campus teacher drafted in for extra work to fill a gap on Peili campus because a Peace Corps volunteer decamped. If I was a Peili teacher I am sure my workload would be spread, particularly in light of my age.

As it is, all this term I have had three solid days of teaching. No days where I start early and finish at noon or start at 1430 and finish and 1620. Sounds a doddle doesn't it?

Well unless you have taught you have no idea. An hour and a half teaching is equivalent to 6 hours in an office or on a factory floor. Take my word for it, I have done all those things. It seems even longer when you are late to bed because of what I consider pointless student activities.

If they are fun then that's different but Peili simply go through the motions. People turn up, they are given topics and everyone is supposed to discuss them. Mind-numbing.

So then today I had a full day on east campus and then another corner and I was tired before I even started my day. All I wanted was to go home. But I had agreed to attend their corner and unless I am seriously incapacitated I keep my word.

And I did.

A boy from my class on Peili was guest MC, not an expert but at least he had some games for them to play – these are not English majors. Ok, one of the games was my Rolf Harris “Can you tell what it is yet?” job which was well received and at the end I was presented with a pair of slippers as a gift! I never wear slippers but as it is winter I may well do so with these.

Janet is the form teacher for the class. She now has ideas of making it fortnightly but she believes she needs to go to the leadership to get a budget for prizes and so forth and also, more importantly, to pay me extra. I won't refuse east campus, they have shown me nothing but kindness and if a little additional lucre is on offer then count me in!

Janet did show her colours though when she asserted that I was THEIR teacher and not Peili's! Campus rivalry obviously exists and yes, it is bloody hard teaching students with little English, even so I do prefer my little campus. Janet has really got the hump that Peili have nicked me for 40% of my workload.

When we finished at school she took me to her friend's place. I thought it was to be a restaurant but it was his apartment. Fine, I had eaten lunch so wasn't hungry (good job, he had prepared food perfectly acceptable to Chinese but not to my taste) but he did lay on red wine, French wine from Montrechet which he bought five years ago for eighty pounds a bottle! It was nice admittedly but not 40 times as good as the stuff I buy from BHG.

He and his childhood friend (his wife works in Shanghai as a doctor), they are both doctors of traditional Chinese medicine, sat and quaffed his home-made spirits. I sniffed them and declined in favour of beer and wine.

It was very definitely a two-sided evening because Janet is not the best translator I have known, in fact she struggles to understand me let alone translate. We understood each other nonetheless and I have a promise of another encounter playing Do Dizhou, a Chinese card game I love to play. I am an average player so normally hold my own but the two men bragged they could take my pay packet off me. With luck I shall put that to the test – just because our host won 1,000y at mahjong does not mean he can do likewise at Do Dizhou.

And so yes, I am utterly spent right now but it is now Saturday. I have been paid and I have nothing to do today unless I fancy going and clearing out the big China Tobacco store of all my cigars and hope they will replenish before I need more.

I am going to rest as much as I can because on Monday I start exams on the east campus students. That is going to be difficult. I already have four candidates who will undoubtedly fail because they speak no English at all. Ok, I have made it known to the school they should never have been put in the class in the first place and they must fail (how can you pass a language candidate who can't speak the language) but it will hurt because bugger me, they come to every class! Sure, they read other coursebooks in my class and I have told them they can stay home but still they come!

I can't pass them and I will feel like a shit for failing them. I have never, ever seen students who don't understand a word I say, whose results in my tests mean nothing in respect of their degree, come to every class.

They will not get grief from the Dean. I will ensure that. Fail them I will but I will make suitable comment.

Janet commented when two students came with a query that I was improving their English so much it put her to shame. Yes, the odd few students who come have improved. The majority just sit and say nothing. They will be found out starting Monday.