Thursday 31^st October, 2019 2045

Or All hallows eve to me, hallowe'en to those across the pond.

I know I'm a grumpy old man but it does somewhat irk me that the world seems intent on copying anything American, my own country included. Some students came up to me today and wished me Happy Hallowe'en and were stunned to find that I replied I was English and that it was in fact all hallows day, a Christian festival to celebrate the life of all departed souls, not some bloody gimmick with pumpkins and door knocking for sweets. I can't see the Mercans building bonfires on Tuesday for our particularly British celebration (which many say today should be actually be attempted again and succeed!).

I did go on that cigar hunt thinking I would return empty-handed but to my delight I sourced a fortnight's worth, breathing (or gasping) space at least.

It was freezing again in my home last night, so much so that even under a quilt I awoke cold long before my alarm went off at 0530 this morning. Imagine my thoughts when Khloe (who lives near to me but on campus whereas I am just outside) informed me that she has a nice warm flat now and then I found the classrooms I taught in had heating! Everyone was warm it seemed bar me!

I happened to mention it to Jody, who then called Brenda and I feared I had started an international incident when Jody reported back that Brenda was angry I hadn't contacted her first! It seems as though that was not the case, it would have been stupid anyway because all Jody was trying to do was help me and Brenda made some calls then emailed me. She said there were two fractured pipes, one to my building and one to the Shijia hotel adjacent. They were being repaired and my heating should be on shortly. As luck would have it, when I got the email the radiators started to warm up so although the heating isn't great, it does at least take the edge off.

Jody also asked me if I was free tomorrow evening as one of the deans (I lose track of how many bosses there are, especially teaching three majors) wanted to invite me out for dinner. I suspect the invitation was made in the expectation of a reciprocation by way of a future one to come to mine for my cooking, which is fine. Except. I don't watch much sport but I want to see tomorrow's play-off and the final on Saturday!

I may have put a nose out of joint but tough, I did however say I was free next Friday.

And to finish off on a sad ending, you remember I demanded my classes brought me stories of their daily lives on campus?

I got more than I bargained for on Tuesday. A girl related how a dog had given birth to three pups on campus a week before the incident so described and that she had witnessed one of the security guards clubbing them to death. Her description was that they “squealed terribly”. She asked the guard why he was being so cruel and was told they couldn't grow up on campus. He killed two, the mother was away, presumably foraging for food to produce milk for her babies but before he could despatch the third and final baby, a random dog – not the mother – raced up and bit the guard. Suddenly the guard shit himself and the third puppy lived to see another day.

I found it horrifying and almost wish I had been there although I could well have found myself imprisoned on serious assault charges. Or maybe with three small additions to my home which still needed mum's milk and probably would have died anyway. But I could never have simply stood and watched, the girl had no choice, the guards, as far as the students are concerned, are akin to real police.

And speaking of that, do you recall me saying about the messy dorm photos on the wall of shame? It transpires that if their dorm “auntie” catches them sleeping on their own beds during their free time in the day, their dorm loses points???? Unbelievable. These young adults seem at times to be treated like prisoners rather than sons and daughters of fee-paying parents who keep us all in a job........

Saturday 26^th October, 2019 1807

Well, now that was a game for Englishmen who love their rugby to savour and one which my Kiwi student will not have. Yes, I managed to connect to watch, albeit with a lot of buffering but nonetheless enjoyable.

On Thursday night I did something that perhaps was unwise. I sent an email to Dean Delia. I had been stewing over the allegation I had not been giving the students enough opportunity to try their pronunciation. It was, to say the least, a rather forcefully-worded letter!

At the time I mulled over whether to send it or sleep on it but decided my feelings wouldn't change and so hit “send”. When I reread it in the morning I did have pause to wonder though! But then I thought, there's always the agricultural university next year and I am sick of student comments and rumours being taken as gospel – remember one of them got me fired from Chizhou before I remonstrated and had it reversed and another had me grilled about fictional trips to town to engage the services of prostitutes.

The people “believing” these fairytales should know better, they are in positions of power and can affect the lives of people such as me.

Anyway, on Friday afternoon the Dean called me and I thought, uh-oh. But to my surprise I received an apology! She now knows, as do the students, that any complaints will be made to me and not a third party first, then if I fail to resolve it then they are free to take it further. I mean, the students are all legally adults so they need to behave like adults.

Last night I had a Chinese family to dinner. Deniro (he likes the film star), his wife and very young daughter. I also invited Jody the teacher from main campus. Just standard English fare, a cottage pie and bread and butter pudding. Thankfully they liked it and there was a humorous moment when Jody started to serve the pie and they asked what the stuff on top was. I advised it was potato and pointed out that the Chinese have no idea what to do with potatoes but we do!

It's still going below zero at night here (and will do probably until late April) and still the heating is not on. Jody told me a fortnight ago it would be turned on the twenty-something, I said I reckoned it would be 1^st November. Not many twenties left in this month so just maybe I will be proved right, at least if I'm wrong it will be a near miss.

Last night I had all cannons blazing, three fan heaters worth 4Kw going for all they were worth trying to keep the place warm. Nothing worse than eating dinner shivering. Besides anything else, the food gets cold quickly! I think the next time I go to see the Electricity Auntie I had better take her some home made cake so she doesn't tut at my “excessive” usage. Although to be fair, after three years she knows I use plenty.

I am unsure what I will do tomorrow. Mr Jing Jo is struggling to source my smokes. He did buy a shedload of packets of five and I felt so guilty about refusing them as he cannot return them. They were the same brand but they were cigarillos with plastic filters and are about as strong as a Senior Service cigarette. I tried them ages ago and apart from not being able to get a kick they made me cough. I may have to make a trip to see if the big China Tobacco has any, although I can last until my early day on Tuesday – but no later. I also still need a haircut but in this weather I may need to wear my kubanka for a few days to keep my head warm..........

Thursday 24^th October, 2019 2040

I fail to see how the 39 people who died in a lorry in Essex were Chinese.

Why? What on earth were they supposed to be escaping? Uighurs I could understand but other Chinese? It makes no sense whatever.

Well, that's my week over and all classes who have Delia as their Dean have had their little “talk”. There will be no repetition of any mention of not having the chance to practise, at least until the next lot of stupid, naïve freshmen arrive if I have the misfortune to have to teach them. My teaching style, as they term it, has been perfectly ok for nine years and the only way it has evolved has been that it has become slightly less energetic as my body tells me to slow down. I no longer stand for lengthy periods but the lessons are still much the same. And a Dean thirty years my junior telling me different does not exactly, as Clint Eastwood famously said, make my day.

I actually emailed Joanna to enquire as to her health and mentioned this and she replied, quote, “You are the best teacher in the world and they are silly children trying to look good for the Dean”. Heart-warming for me perhaps and patently not true, I am not the best by a long chalk but I hope I am in the top percentage of “interesting” teachers. Tomorrow Dean Delia will be receiving an email from me and now all classes are under no misapprehension that each week I require stories of their daily life since I last saw them. I can't be fairer than that for offering them the chance to practise, can I????

I forgot to say that when shopping on Tuesday, on the way back with my trolley to collect my wine I came across a small boy of about eight who, despite my not understanding the lingo, was being cheeky to his Mum and Grandma. Without pausing my stride, as I passed him I gave him a gentle cuff to the back of the head and carried on. I could envisage the scene behind me with the boy looking around to see who had done it. Seconds later at the wine aisle I received a smack on the arse! It was the boy. Either he had worked it out or Mum or Grandma had grassed me up. I played ball by screaming like a stuck pig just to make the kid's day.

Today on the bus home after what was a long day (Thursday I teach the whole day) the arsehole behind me kept playing music and TV shows on his phone, loudly. I gave hints by glancing back from time to time but to no avail. Eventually I capitulated, turned fully around and asked him if he was enjoying it because nobody else was and didn't he have earphones? He understood my ire but perhaps not the meaning but another passenger, Chinese, patently explained and so suddenly the noise was turned off. The thing is, the Chinese will never complain even though they are pissed off!

So tomorrow I host the Chinese family for dinner. I must remember to take the mince out of the freezer before bedtime – it's so bloody cold now it takes an entire day to thaw out......

Tuesday 22^nd October, 2019 1400

Still bloody cold and still waiting for the communal heating to be turned on. Also, still the shit potato season. To be fair, I could order some online from elsewhere but I am rather hoping the decent ones will return soon. If they don't, well.........

On Sunday Alice sent me a text asking me to save some garlic bread for her next time. Clearly she had seen a Wechat post/photo from Pat on Friday when I cooked lasagne. I told her I never make just garlic bread, it's an accompaniment but then felt guilty. I told her I would buy some French baguette when I shopped after class today (my new shopping day) and have it for Wednesday, although who the hell wants cold, day-old garlic bread is beyond me. Then I remembered that at 1030 the buggers still haven't baked any!

So last night at 1700 I alighted the 66 bus, went and bought a baguette and then took another bus home. I made garlic bread, this time, being out of mixed herbs I used chives instead, hoping she would like it. She met me shortly before eight this morning to collect it and by break time at 0900 I received a text saying, quote, “This is the taste I wannnnt!!!!”

It's nice when you are appreciated, even if it was old and cold.

So far I have had two of the pronunciation classes. If the remaining three are likewise then I think there will be no more “complaints” to the Dean. They don't want to be treated like primary school students (as I am sure some Chinese teachers treat them). They now have the easiest homework they will ever have – each week bring me stories from what happened to them since I saw them last. I have told them that the more stories they bring, the less boring work we do. I am inventing the course because there is no book or curriculum, ergo I can do whatever I want. Regardless, so far (and indeed is the case with the other classes) no students can honestly say they do not have the opportunity to practise. Additionally, if they do it, the classes pass so much more swiftly for them and me and more importantly they are fun!

I have been through the tattle-tale stages a few times in the past, they still rankle when superiors take it to heart (that will never change) but always I emerge unscathed.

After I finished this morning I waited for the bus to do my proper shop. As usual the French teacher Nordine joined me (poor bugger also had class at 1430 and had to return later, sod that) and to my surprise, one of my Thursday pupils, Clary. She now loves me because I showed part of Galaxy Quest and she recognised Alan Rickman but couldn't remember who he played in Harry Potter. I had no idea, not my bag but I did find out it was Prof Severus Snape and told her. She is mine for life now!

I am still washing dishes from Friday! Procrastination is my motto and I intended to do the dessert bowls after class but despite turning in early last night I am still knackered, so shortly I will take a nap. But then then not only washing-up to do but I need to make sausage rolls for dinner (and school lunches) and I need to go to bed late, class tomorrow is after lunch.

On Friday if they are still on I have a Chinese mum and dad with small son coming for dinner. I shall not do cordon bleu but cottage pie and bread and butter pudding. Different for them and I suspect palatable for the toddler too, after all, I like them too! Sadly neither Pat nor Alice can come due to competition/going home respectively. No matter.

Oh, and it's definitely economy class flights next summer now S Africa knocked Japan out!

Friday 18^th October, 2019 2115

God, it's freezing here these days and the communal heating has yet to be turned on. Global warming? Really? We are hoping on Sunday to have the succour of a little warmth. I meanwhile, am using electricity with gay abandon to keep my place comfortable, well, at least my office where I spend most of my time, anyway.

I had a call from one of the deans – I teach three different majors and so have three deans – this one from the foreign language department, where they have me teaching pronunciation with no course book and having to construct my own course. Easy enough with “proper” students but unless you have taught in China you have no idea!

The call was about that ubiquitous and I think uniquely Chinese thing, the interviews with the students to ask what they thought of their teachers.

Apparently in my pronunciation classes I am not giving them enough practise.

I let the dean witter on and when she had finished I – astonished - perhaps responded in a manner Chinese teachers would not – they would probably have said ok. But it wasn't ok!

One, why were the students telling the dean when they had not said a word to me?

Two, I informed her that every bloody week I have to beg them to volunteer to stand up and read what's on the screen! They have ample opportunity to practise, Christ, if the class suddenly started talking about K Pop or Chinese film stars I would let them! But no, I get zombies who find their desktop far more interesting than my question.

It would seem they want to be treated like primary school kids where they all recite together. Fine, that's what they will get but not until after receiving my wrath next week. I've had similar situations in China before but nothing of this magnitude, said magnitude amplified because to be honest I am actually regretting not taking up the Agricultural University position where I would have been teaching English majors MY subject! I am expected to teach something with no guidance and am doing my best, in other classes I am teaching people who don't speak English a course I know but they don't have books for and to be honest I simply long for Thursday nights and three days off. I am too old to tolerate another two and a half years of blundering in the dark.

I suspect there will be a showdown or two before the next contract renewal date.

Tonight, after Jody had twisted my arm, I made dinner. She took it upon herself to invite others, admittedly people I knew. I had invited Pat, who some may recall I taught when the Peace Corps boy did a runner and I was asked to step in. Jody invited Caleb and (I think it's her name) Trinny, two Kiwi students who were on our tour of China a while back.

I spent half the day preparing lasagne and apple pie with Chantilly cream, clearing the dining table etc. The food (and drink) was well received but there was something worth reporting.

Trinny (if that's her name), apparently has to put ketchup on all her food. On lasagne???? With a tin of puree and blended fresh tomatoes? I am sure you can imagine my response. However, I did relent and produced ketchup after she had tasted the lasagne and was rather gratified when she said I had converted her and it was not necessary.

The Chantilly cream went down a bomb, first time I had made it and then only because I forgot to put enough sugar in the apple pie and everyone on Masterchef seems to be making it.

So not all is sunshine here once again but nothing I cannot or will not confront.

Sunday 13^th October, 2019 2140

Finally I had the ability to connect to the UK restored (I doubt it had any connection to my threat to jump ship on Wednesday) and then they decided to cancel world cup games!

And of course, actually streaming is a pain in the backside with buffering, disconnections and really slow bandwidth because the world and his uncle is doing likewise. The Tonga game I gave up on but having wagered on Japan I persevered. I now want Japan to win even if they get to the final and face England. Not that I am unpatriotic, just that, let's say, if they do win then next summer holiday will be very nice indeed! Maybe business class flights instead of economy or better hotels, more trips etc.

I can but dream. If they actually get to the final I am not sure I can watch, I never got the best odds in the beginning but I have good enough for any payout to be substantial. As I said, I can dream, and tonight I will.

I had my Monday classes on catch-up on Saturday. I remonstrated with both regarding not telling me I should have taught last Monday and in particular Philip, the boy from the morning class who, when I texted it was a holiday, sent back that he had forgotten, don't worry.

He just stood there and gave me a broad smile. I told him I wasn't angry with him for one reason and that was because if the roles were reversed I would have done the same. I have a feeling both classes concerned will keep quiet so we don't go into extra time.

I have my passport back now and to my delight, no matter what happens, I am legal to remain in China (and leave as many times as I wish) until 3^rd September next year. The last thing I want is for it to run out again before my contract expires/I get another job if necessary. Remember, I had to do a Hong Kong run three years ago.

Mr Jing Jo told me today it would be ten days before he can get me another thousand cigars. Not good. I have three days worth left and four full coronas from last summer in Shanghai. I couldn't order any earlier as I never had the money and last time they got them the day after I asked! The fast food stall outside BHG has been stocking them so just maybe I can get some there to tide me over, otherwise it's three times the price and half the size.

I have a feeling I will end up buying a year's supply at once.

I have IT coming to my class just before lunch on Thursday to investigate my problem. They don't seem to understand the computer in there has no safely remove hardware facility (as indeed is the same in other classrooms but I don't have the problem) and every bloody time I go there my films on my USB stick are reduced to 665Kb, unusable. They allegedly fixed it before but it came up with four errors on startup, knowing my luck my films won't be deleted just because IT are there. We shall see.

Friday 11^th October, 2019 1730

I am finding my timetable hard going. Up at a sensible time one morning, sparrow's fart the next, late morning next and then oh-Christ-double oh again. To be honest I would prefer all early or all late starts.

My Thursday early class continues to be the worst despite my entreaties, I did though have a minor breakthrough with one of the Uzbekistani lads who at least made an effort to answer questions. At least with English majors and translation majors I can justifiably have a rant in class but these people aren't here to learn English! I have to find a way of getting them on my side so they want to please me and they believe me when I say making mistakes is fine. Hell, I made one on Wednesday when I showed my class the second half of Stuart Little. What pissed me off was that they only told me later at English corner!

I said, “Why the hell didn't someone tell me??!!”

“Oh, we didn't want to disturb you”.

Quite aside from the stupidity of it all and the fact they have been told in no uncertain terms that yes, I do make mistakes and it's fine to tell me when I do, that class at least knows mistakes are wonderful.

On Thursday afternoon a girl (Well, I think it was a girl, whoever it was had the build of a brick outhouse and the English name of Doyle) gave me a gift once my class had finished. Thank you for teaching our students English. You do not get a gift in China without there being some form of payback and this was no exception. They want me to come to their English corner on Thursdays.

I have agreed to go next week but infrequently as my attention is demanded from all quarters (although with having Fridays off, Thursday evenings are not as bad as Wednesdays). And the gift? A bloody drinking flask. Of all the useless things I could have been given, that was top of the list. I have one, a decent one which actually keeps drinks hot for a while but given that I would need to buy an iPhone and instal an application to pay for hot water to make tea, I just take bottled water instead. If I had an office (there are communal offices but I avoid them) as I did on east campus, I would have my own kettle.

So tomorrow is another catch up day, once again, my Monday classes I missed this week. Will I bawl Philip out for doing exactly what I would have done as a student last Monday? Hardly. Will I tell them to keep schtum in case we also have to make up that class? Most definitely!

Today I went foraging. The other day I managed to break my nasal trimmer when cleaning it. Ok so it was twelve years or more old and I mistook a blade for old hair and snapped it off, my fault. They didn't have any in BHG so I tried the market. Success and 28¥ (about £3.10) including battery. Next candles, after the power cut the other day. They were more problematic. I was quite happy to buy a box of the standard white ones we put in candelabras at the dinner table or one huge fat one. In the end someone (after so many stalls had said “mayo”, found me one with medium sized red ones with their own stands. Two of them for 35¥. happy, I took the escalator up to go to the chemist for my monthly drug requirements.

At the top I noticed that these were the strangest candles I had ever seen. There were holes where the wicks should have been! Pondering on how exactly they would burn when required without said wicks, I decided either the Chinese were damned cunning or these were faulty. Back to the shop.

The owner, seemingly unconcerned, then retraced the steps I had taken to exit the market, with me in tow. The wicks were close together on the ground where they had fallen out when I must have pointed the candles downwards! I have never encountered candles where the wicks are not encased in the wax!

So now I know.

Sunday 6^th October, 2019 1900

The reason I should have been teaching on Monday has now become clear – tomorrow is a day off. Why do they have to make it so complicated? The reasoning allegedly is to give the students a clear week off. Well that gave them Tuesday to Monday. Had they done it my way they would still have had Monday to Sunday and I wouldn't have defaulted. Still, due to my miscreant behaviour I may have squeezed another day off for myself – if I am not rumbled.

I had my BK Whopper meal as planned, even almost finished the burger and ate a few chips but why do they insist on giving you “free” nuggets or ice cream? No way I could eat them, surely better to give me a cheaper price? And if you order a normal sized burger you don't get the freebies!

I spent about what I expected in Metro, 105¥ on 100 Twinings tea bags and similar for some cheese. Add on a kilo of self-raising flour for cakes and a few minor bits and I was done. I have a loyalty card but I can't find anywhere on the receipts where it says how many points I have amassed. I must ask next time, surely I have spent 2,000¥ by now and with a point for every hundred I must be due something useful – when I joined I never took the leaflet with the rewards, just noticed one point got you a packet of chocolate button things!

So, we had the water stoppage all day. Two hours later a power cut after dark for a few hours, prompting me to add candles to tomorrow's shopping list. Then yesterday afternoon, forget about being unable to connect to the UK, the internet went down and only returned 24 hours later! I found out about an hour ago there is an IT firm involved in trying to modernise the school system and I can anticipate disruption perhaps over the course of the next eight days! And there's me having been checking the Chizhou university website and laughing at their periodic water and power outage notifications! Provincial capital city? Bah!

One of the problems is that I am never quite sure if the entire internet is down or my router has given up the ghost, after all, it is nine years old now.

I did make good use of my time today in between watching my stored films for the thirtieth time. I finished ruling up my replacement attendance book, reformatted my big USB stick and reloaded many of the films I will show in class. Somehow it had corrupted so it has now been purged.That leaves me free to do another BHG shop tomorrow. Keeping the wine stocked up is in fact a major consideration here. A box contains six bottles, I drink one a day and there are seven days in a week. Take out weekends (I loathe shopping at weekends) and it means at certain times I have to buy two boxes with really only Tuesdays and Fridays to shop. Add to that some actual food, flour, milk etc and I am struggling to get from the shop to the taxi place. So if I go tomorrow and again after my only class on Tuesday I will have 16 bottles, meaning a couple of months before I need a “bumper” run again.

It is jacket weather here again already, in fact today had I been going to school I would have wished for a jumper as well. A while ago I finally remembered to research why we call it a jumper. I have a lesson wherein two girls buy a sweater and I expand on it by explaining it can be called a jumper or a sweater or a pullover. I also demonstrate a cardigan (No, before any comments, I do NOT have one!) but hitherto although I could explain pullover from the French pulover, I had absolutely no idea where jumper came from! I do now.

And if you are curious, do what I did and look it up. The one thing I do know about remembering facts is that if you ask someone and they tell you an answer you remember it for a little while. If you have to find the answer yourself then you remember it a lot longer, perhaps even forever.

Wednesday 2^nd October, 2019 2105

Yesterday passed without my hearing a single firework. Meanwhile, further to the east there was a concert featuring the entire red army and its hardware, viewed not by the general public it was supposed to represent but by invited VIPs.

And of course, way down south on a day they really shouldn't have, there was a bit of bother resulting in some lad getting shot. Quite rightly from what I have seen, he was clearly attacking the police with what appeared to be an iron bar. Throwing petrol bombs and setting bonfires next to petrol stations are guaranteed to evaporate any sympathy I used to have for them.

Meanwhile, in God's Waiting Room, I had intended to go to BHG for my normal shopping and tomorrow to treat Alice to a BK Whopper lunch, followed by Metro shopping.

Why I continue to make plans I know not, they rarely pan out. Firstly Alice cried off the Whopper, ok fine I shall go on my own, I need cheese and stuff. Then I received texts from no less than three people advising me to store water for tomorrow because it will be cut off from 0800 to 1800 for “cleaning”. It's feast or famine here with being told what's going on and I am not complaining, I'd rather be told many times than not at all, as happened on Monday! Speaking of which, touch wood, nothing said to me so far.

So I had to cancel BHG in order to shower (which I would have anyway), wash four days of dishes and a week's worth of laundry. Oh, and fill up my kettle, bottles and buckets with water! BHG will now be Friday.

As for my connectivity, we have gone from three to four locations, the fourth being one of the LA ones. The UK doesn't seem to have a “special relationship” when it comes to allowing me to watch the rugby. Now the 70^th bash is over I am hoping it will be resolved tomorrow or Friday. They can't let me miss the entire thing, can they??

Nearly forgot. Whereas I simply never turned up for what was a working day on Monday, Alice in Guangzhou did show up for her part time job only to find it had been closed since Saturday!

And finally, Alice here has backed off completely since she moved to live on main campus. I understand, she is cramming for exams and after spring festival she will intern somewhere the school decides before graduation.

Knowing this, I have been keeping an eye out for a likely candidate to be my little helper, ordering my Taobao and things but it's early days yet. Whoever is chosen must of course be someone I like and can occasionally treat to dinner here or out.

Alice, bless her intentions but I wish she hadn't, has already obtained her replacement. Built like a Russian shot-putter and possessing a face that would shatter if she smiled, she has so far exhibited an over-zealous attention to what she perceives as her “duties”. My Mum passed away a little while ago and at 63 years of age I expected to now be free from admonishments to curtail my drinking and smoking. I do not believe in such things but I am starting to ponder as to whether dear old Hubbard has been reincarnated. I can't get rid of the girl, it would be headline news throughout the campus and I think she would be devastated so I need instead to train her.

I will have to treat her to the odd dinner but first she has to learn what a smile is.