Sunday 30th August, 2015                         1330

We had arranged to meet yesterday evening for dinner but later on Friday afternoon I asked them if they wanted to go for a drink (they had already eaten although besides breakfast I hadn’t). I took them to a western style bar which charges accordingly for imported beers and the like and despite never seeming to have many customers, is still in business.

Andre is on antibiotics for a tooth abscess so wanted to stick to juice but Juliette appears to be partial to a scotch. We stayed an unusually long time for me and it was past midnight when we got back. It meant I didn’t turn in until very late indeed and got out of bed at nearly noon. I had asked Anna to book a table at the place which was full the last time I went with Kevin and had to laugh when she informed me we would be in room 101.

But then after one o’clock I started to feel most unwell. I had a bad stomach ache and it made me nauseous. I contemplated calling dinner off but thought a spell in the bathroom would see me get better by the arranged leaving time. It didn’t. Along with the obvious effect stomach aches have I also found myself trying to throw up but of course for two days I had ingested precious little food so it was a case of “pretend” multi-coloured  yawns.

As we were taking the seven bus I decided we could all walk to the west gate, that way the taxi didn’t have to stop and let me out first when we returned. I was really starting to regret not cancelling by the time we joined Anna at the bus stop. As we were waiting I had to disappear behind the shelter to retch and when the bus turned up I felt dreadful.

Once aboard I plonked myself  in the seat by the drivers water bucket he uses when mopping out his vehicle on the basis I thought I might need it imminently. We hadn’t gone far when I started again. He won’t read this of course but I am sorry to the driver for depositing liquids in his bucket. That was the last time and left me without nausea but still bellyache.

So yet again I sat in a restaurant simply watching everyone else eat! I didn’t dare, even with the pancakes that looked like keema nan. It took me forever to drink two bottles of pijou but we had a good chat. The two newbies, for the moment, both smoke roll-ups but they won’t for much longer. I have never seen papers or tobacco on sale here or online. I will wager they will gravitate to cheap Chinese cigarettes instead. It was however a good opportunity for me to be able to tell them lots of little things to make their settling in a little easier, and for them to ask any questions they had.

This time we left earlier at about nine but not until we had gone to pay the bill and I discovered my wallet was missing! I knew I had it when we left because I paid the taxi driver and a cold hand gripped my heart in case I had dropped it in the cab. Fearing the worst, I returned to room 101 where the waitresses were cleaning up and to my huge relief it was on my seat, somehow having popped out of my back pocket.

The place itself is in quite a remote location near the end of a road so I asked Anna to get them to phone for a taxi for us. Incredibly they said they couldn’t so Anna went online to see if she could summon one with an app like the one in Shanghai and Shenyang. Except Chizhou doesn’t have any drivers signed up to it.

The chances of anyone arriving for dinner at that hour were zero and there would be no passing taxis outside seeing as it is a dead end. I was still feeling wobbly and didn’t relish the prospect of a long hike to a main road. For the second time last night fortune smiled when a cab arrived to deposit a family outside their nearby home. We were saved.

After a night’s sleep the nausea has all but departed although I am still sore inside. Later I will try to eat something bland and safe such as a boiled egg or some cheese. I have no idea what has caused this but I wish it would clear off.

Shower time now, I won’t be inviting anyone to come for dinner tonight and the furthest I will go is the business street.

Apologies for one of the photos being blurred.

Friday 28th August, 2015                    1415

Bloody hell, a lot can happen in less than 24 hours!

Yes I went to the “gathering dinner” although true to form I could happily have spent another half an hour at home because I ended up cooling my heels at the little school. In the end it was a rather subdued affair and to be honest I have no idea why. One teacher is leaving to teach at a public school somewhere in the outlying countryside (she didn’t know where, she told me she would be making her decision today) but that can’t have been the reason the evening was so muted. Maybe the collective charisma of the people there simply wasn’t enough.

Anyway, usually at these meals I am lucky to find two or three dishes I like, last night was an exception. There was but one and as always, everyone else liked it too. Slices of pepper pancake encrusted with sesame seeds. I think I owe a debt of gratitude to the girls who have been at dinners with me because I ended up with four small slices of the stuff (which really was quite nice) - I am sure whispers went around that I am a fussy eater. I am certain that had I asked I could have had fried dumplings but I hate doing that because then they expect you to eat plateloads of whatever it is you expressed a preference for.

I normally leave these dos hungry but last night was special! I left feeling as if I hadn’t eaten all day.  And they asked me if I wanted to go to Karaoke. Needless to say I declined and took a taxi back, thus my free meal cost me more than I received! No matter, it was an evening out with not exactly close friends but all the same…..

This morning I got up early, having decided to get a McBreakfast to make up for last night. That and a bit of shopping comprised the only routine part of the day up to that juncture.

I got home, whacked the aircon on, got comfortable in shirt, boxers and sandals and heard a knock at my door. Going out I found a male Chinese teacher who informed me he was my new co-teacher. Cinny has deserted me over the trifling matter of advanced pregnancy after I expressly forbade her having a baby. She was terrific and I think I will miss her help.

However, after my new aide de camp Anthony opened proceedings by mentioning my age, health, e-bike and beer (to which I responded with a retirement age of 66, I am not ill, I have survived every accident and I have drunk beer for 45 years respectively) I then informed him that if the school is considering making this coming year my last then I would fight them and I expect him to be by my side.

We didn’t get much further than that, for while I was stood outside clad basically in underwear (didn’t want to invite him in seeing as the cat litter needs changing - almost every day now we have a full house), a man and a woman came down the stairs. I had to look twice. They were foreigners!

They are in the flat directly above me and just my luck, she is a looker and they are an item. Life can be so unfair.

He is Andre, she is Juliette. He is Romanian, she is a Parisian. At first knockings they both seem very pleasant. She of course will teach French but he, in order to teach English, must first pass an examination in front of the other English teachers here so they can gauge his competence in the language. I am taking bets on whether the only native speaker on campus will actually get a say in the selection process - any takers?? Of course he has a Slavic accent but the Chinese teachers have a Chinese accent and from what I have heard his English is fine - and he’s NOT American!

I am taking them to dinner tomorrow night, looks as if Anna is available to make up a foursome so I will try to get her to book a room at the place which turned us away when Kevin had his last meal with us. It seems they have not been given the welcome by the school that I was and to me that feels atrocious. I may of course be wrong but they never mentioned anything. Nobody appears to have shown them around and in fact they arrived last night but no-one saw fit to inform me. People here can be incredibly kind one minute and inexplicably thoughtless the next. I recall when I arrived I at least had a welcome dinner, was taken shopping for essentials and given advice on how to get to town. I’m not sure they have and Kevin was of great help when he finally turned up (if there is a long holiday he is in another country!) and so I will try to emulate him for the newcomers, it is their first time teaching and first time in China, as it was for me.

Wednesday 26th August, 2015                            1900

Life has become somewhat mundane now and sees just 12 days to go until I start work again. Amazingly, given all that I have done this holiday, I could still fund another night away but more than likely won’t. I need some serious online shopping so I can start to cook western food again plus a good supply of cat food and litter - with five it disappears somewhat rapidly.

And the pong I blamed on the cats recently? Last night I went to get a glass from the kitchen  and the smell in there had become rather pungent. For the life of me I couldn’t work out what it was, the rubbish bag on the wall hook was new so I opened cupboards. I found it. I think when Mulan was looking after the cats while I was away one of them knocked a carton of eggs off the counter and she cleaned up but put the carton in the cupboard under the sink. When I opened it there was no doubt where the pong was coming - the eggshells were heaving with maggots! It’s not somewhere I have cause to go into often, being used merely to house the rice cooker and cleaning materials.

Lately I have been taking the bus to town every day shopping for wine and being incredibly lazy re cooking. When you are alone it really is true that it doesn’t seem worth bothering. The trouble is I have confined myself to McDonald’s, KFC and Ke Bi Wang. KFC here is revolting but it’s been two years since I went and I had forgotten just how awful it is. I really must make an effort tomorrow to make the eggy bread!

This morning I was sitting (late morning following a late night) at my computer and I thought I heard a puppy outside on the landing. The cats were certainly vocal so I went out. There, halfway up the stairs between the 2nd and 3rd floors, was a tiny greyish puppy. It didn’t look old enough to have climbed the stairs unaided and I wondered A) if it belonged to someone or B) someone had planted it there knowing I am a soft touch.

Well it was assuredly able to go up and down the stairs and at a surprising lick because it came down to me. I picked it up and noted it was a little girl. I think everyone reading this will know what went through my mind at first but I resisted and carried the little mite downstairs and outside. I also noticed it had indeed come in under its own steam, for it had piddled on the bottom stair. Stone me if it didn’t chase me back upstairs and plead with me with its eyes! I felt utterly heartless when I escaped rapidly into my home. Oh I wanted to but the risk of heartache and the cost and effort are simply too much. Anyway by the time winter arrives she will be well able to fend for herself, we still get temperatures up to thirty now.

Thursday 27th              1330

There will be no eggy bread tonight.

Shortly after typing the above I received a text from the little school. The owner is having a “gathering dinner” (basically treating his staff before the start of the new academic year) and would I like to come? There have been a couple of occasions wherein I have already had plans recently and had to refuse. This time I am free so will go.

That has meant no shopping trip today, not that I need it, I have simply been building up my wine lake and buying passable frozen pizzas. Joan is returning next Tuesday morning and she will be starving when she arrives, plus she will need somewhere to lay her head as her dormitory will still be closed. Mulan is moving out, this year she wants to rent a place of her own so my spare room will be free.

I have agreed to collect her from the station. At 0315.

There are no buses at that hour and with recent cases of students being raped by taxi drivers late at night elsewhere in China I think even risking her life on the back of my bike will be safer. She can have a shower, make up her bed and by the time she has done that I can have a pizza ready for her. It’ll skew my body clock though, lately it has been late finishes and late starts for me.

Annoyingly the teaching schedules are still to appear on the website and still no sign of another foreigner arriving.

It was interesting reading of the rain problems in Shanghai (on British news sites, not Chinese surprisingly) and seeing Hongqiao airport closed due to flooding, with Pudong cancelling flights. Having not long ago used both airports I am glad it didn’t happen when I was travelling.

I cannot recall whether this has been posted here before but Dave Donaldson’s niece Anna has started blogging again. She is rather entertaining and has what I would describe as a somewhat zany outlook on life. Well worth a read if you have the time, especially as it seems there may well be some maritime tales involved:

https://deeperthanyouraveragepuddle.wordpress.com/

Monday 24th August, 2015                        1930

Bit of a boring and lazy day today, I didn’t even sweep up or change the cat litter - it can wait until tomorrow. Eventually I ventured out just before four to go to the business street for beer and jing jo (and milk seeing as I now have an urge to start making French toast). I came back and deposited my shopping at home before going back down again. I could easily have stayed in, I have frittata and tuna pasta frozen to eat but I wanted to get out.

It was only to go to RT Mart and have a “gourmet” fast food dinner at Ke Bi Wang but it meant I was out. As I parked the bike I cursed as I missed the bus by about a minute. Nothing too calamitous though, it leaves every ten minutes so I went to the stop to wait for the next one. Lucky me as it turned out.

Whilst waiting I watched as a car belonging to one of the restaurant owners in the business street started to overtake a motorised putt-putt which itself was going at a fair lick. I also observed another car about to exit the business street, the driver oblivious of the road battle heading his way. He pulled out and both the other vehicles were near enough upon the right turn they needed so there ensued screeches of tyres on tarmac as all three tried (successfully) to avoid each other. It amazed me that the restaurant owner felt that gaining two seconds was worth risking damaging his own or other people’s vehicles or worse, maiming or killing someone. Utter madness and thank God no e-bikes were caught up in it.

Anyway the bus came and off we went. On the outskirts of town I realised I had been fortunate indeed, for the bus I had missed had broken down and our bus had to rescue the passengers. I had my seat so I cared not.

After a swift dinner I went shopping for eggy bread ingredients. Considering I will put cinnamon and nutmeg in the mix I don’t think it matters that it is sweet Chinese bread but what irked me was that, despite having had it previously, today they didn’t have any maple syrup. Either Kevin or Ollivier had my last bottle and I think it was the latter so he will have used the lot on his omnipresent pancakes. I could go and look as I have keys to both flats until Cinny is back but I think it would be fruitless. When Joan returns I will order some online at £5 a bottle. For now I need to make do with honey.

Talking of returns, on the way to the bus I noticed a fair few students returning a fortnight early and some of the previously locked dormitories appearing to be open for business. There have been sufficient numbers who stayed on campus throughout for some of the shops and restaurants in the business street to remain open (a first) so maybe that will be the way of the summer vacations from now on.

The teachers class schedules are still not on the school website so I have no idea if I will have some western company next term, although I did find an internet advertisement placed in late June for two English teachers being urgently required. Interestingly the salary stipulated ranged from 500 below to 500 above mine so I will be making enquiries as to why, in my sixth year, I am not on the highest band. I won’t hold my breath though, it will be bound to be brushed aside as a misunderstanding.

2330

I wasn’t going to complete this one tonight but I am at a loose end.

There are lights on in dormitories that have been dark for two months. I have been doing my homework on the Harbin ice city/Shenyang trip for spring festival and I am concerned I may not be able to fund it. Well, if I can actually get flights (during spring festival the entire population of China seems to travel) for below 700y each way then I have a chance. I honestly don’t want to spend the same amount to sit for 8 hours on a train with no smoking. And of course I can’t go from here, I have to go from Hefei regardless of whether it is train or plane so a hotel room will be needed both before and after. If it happens the best I can hope for is to spend a month’s wages on travel and rooms alone  but I really do really want to do it and take Joan with me. I can but pray the proofreading will start swamping me once again.

The big problem as it stands is whether I still have a job next September because if not then I need every penny to survive two months or so with no income and possibly staying in a cheap hotel , not to mention relocation costs and turfing five moggies out into the wild.

Whilst it is no secret that my deepest wish is to remain in China, I did find myself considering what I would do if my job here came to an end in a year. A long way off yet (well actually not that far off, the older you get the quicker it comes!) but I surprisingly, perhaps because it would show ingratitude to me for my service here, turned my thoughts to teaching in other countries.

That was the original plan when I embarked on the odyssey. It went out of the window once I got here but for some really insane reason Ecuador is still lodged in my brain. I know it’s dangerous and I should banish all thoughts but the complete insecurity of working in China from one year to the next is not conducive towards making plans.

I don’t fancy Indonesia (like the country but bad reports about teaching), Outer Mongolia is a possibility but bloody hell it’s cold. Forget Japan or South Korea, both seem to treat foreign teachers like something they stepped in and Vietnam and Thailand by all accounts simply take you for a mug.

I don’t know, I am just in one of those reflective moods. It’s not as if I have much of a working life left, the big sixty arrives in just over 8 months and the last place I want to spend my retirement in is the UK.

Sunday 23rd August, 2015                          1800

Mini-break over.

In the end Anna had travelled back from Hefei on Thursday night to spend some time with her boyfriend. I suspect the fact it was Chinese Valentines Day that had a bearing. So on Saturday morning - much to my surprise - I met up with the pair of them instead of just Anna. Eventually I found out the boyfriend (never did get his name and should have because he even paid for my train tickets!) was using the opportunity to visit his twin sister for the night. Good luck to him because once we got to Hefei he still had a two hour bus ride to get where he wanted to go!

We were very fortunate on the train in that by swapping seats with others we managed to all sit together and rope in a couple of fellow travellers (one left in Tongling but his replacement joined in) to play do-di-ju (landlord and farmer). It’s amazing how a five hour trip flies by when you are playing cards.

As always though, there had to be a catastrophe.

Anna and I got to a hotel by taxi but as soon as it pulled up I said it was the wrong hotel. It certainly wasn’t the one I stayed in last time so I had Anna double check the address sent to me by Ctrip in a text. Finding it was apparently the one I had booked, I thought it best to go in and see if they actually had a record. They did.

The point of this trip was twofold - to go to Bitburger for western dinner and to introduce Anna to French toast and maple syrup at breakfast. When asked if they did the latter they said no. I asked them to call the other Holiday Inn (the confusion arose because one is called Holiday Inn Hefei Downtown and the other, incredibly, Holiday Inn Downtown Hefei!) to see if we could transfer.

The disconsolate look on the face of the girl at reception dealing with us made me relent and I said sod it, we’ll stay here. It has often been my experience in life that when a cock-up has been made, very often it turns into an unexpected and pleasant surprise. This was a prime example.

The room was huge and with a grand view of the city from the 23rd floor and there was even a stocked minibar - a rarity in my experience here. A huge plus for me was that this hotel permits smoking in the bar and also there is a smoking section in the restaurant.

And so once Vivian (who paid for dinner last time) turned up we went to the bar where I claimed and drank my two complimentary beers and then it was off to Bitburger. This time Vivian had the lasagne, I plumped for a burger and Anna (on my urging because she was concerned about the price) ordered a fillet steak from Oz. All three were pronounced delicious although I only managed half my burger, which was made of 100% beef. It wasn’t wasted though, Vivian took it for her roommates. A nice evening which saw us all in the hotel room watching TV later but which was slightly marred by Vivian starting to feel under the weather and so she decamped in a cab. I am happy to say she made it back ok.

This morning after I had a shower we went down for breakfast. Very similar to the other Holiday Inn with western and Chinese offerings aplenty (although I wasn’t too keen on the sausages) but…….we were presented with a plateful of French toast together with little honey pots! They didn’t have maple syrup but what mattered was that they deemed it so important that they had the chef make them just for us! Service like that deserves to be mentioned and on TripAdvisor it most certainly will be. It was but a short break and what I thought was a disaster turned into a memorably good experience. Now when I go back to Hefei I will be torn between the two places, although the smoking bit will probably tip the balance as to which I choose.

After a last minute panic after we checked out and the maid found my mouse (recently I forgot to take it WITH me on my travels, this time I had forgotten to take it with me when I left!) and a front of house member went up to get it for me, we took a taxi to the station. I showed my passport and ticket at the gate and went through. I then realised Anna wasn’t with me. She was still outside, unable to get in because - get this - she had given her ticket to the boyfriend for safekeeping! Luckily he was already there and came out with it but I did ask what she would have done had he died overnight!  I’m not sure she was too amused by that one.

We were not fortunate on the return journey, it was packed and worse, although all three of us had consecutive seat numbers, I was in an adjoining section so we faced away from each other. No chance of playing cards at all except after Tongling, the last stop before Chizhou but by then I think we were all too tired to bother. I had certainly dozed off at one point.

The good thing was that I had left the bike at the station entrance so once off the train I was home to the cats within fifteen minutes. I sit here now wishing I could go for another western dinner and wake up to a good breakfast all over again!

Friday 21st August, 2015                             0100

Miserable day yesterday with light rain/drizzle when our wonderful forecasting sites promised sunshine. In fact, when I took the bike to the train station to buy the tickets for the weekend break I had not only to wear the cape but my fleece as well. I am not bothered what the weather is like for the trip, no sightseeing is planned, just dinner in BitBurger and a hotel breakfast before departing. Probably an incomprehensible reason for travelling five hours each way on a train to most but each to his own.

I felt guilty early tonight because Kevin came down to the business street supermarket having seen my bike was missing. He asked if I was going for a beer and I declined on the basis that I had ice cream cornets which would melt in my carrier bag. I knew he intended to leave for Huangshan later today originally but a conversation with him previously had elicited the fact the school want him there for the 27th (a week early) and that there was no internet on campus until the IT department returned at that time.  I assumed he would stay here for another week but no, he’s off tomorrow lunchtime. Had I known I would have taken the cornets home and ridden back down for a last beer. I do wish he had clarified it when I said no. I feel guilty.

My cat room stinks. Of course it does when the litter is a few days old but it hasn’t stopped smelling even since I replaced the contents. Due to the lack of pee on the shower floor I suspect Lottie may have taken to peeing in the corners of the room - a good mop out needed methinks as soon as Joan comes back (1st September). Or evict Lottie after three years.

 I now have a juggling act to do because I have only today discovered I have not one but two weeks of vacation left and about 8kg of pine chips left. No way am I ordering 40-60kg of cat litter to collect from town on the bike (although I can spend a fortune buying expensive stuff in RT Mart) but if the place still smells of cats after refreshing then what’s the point? Tomorrow I will buy another washing bowl, maybe that’s the problem - they aren’t expensive and the current one is a couple of years old. Oh and I inspected Bristle last night, I am pretty certain Bristle is a girl so ’ere long she will have to be seen to at the vets. I think that will set me back 400y but after Lottie and the half-job for 200y I am hardly likely to cut corners.

Bedtime now, I need to be up early for breakfast and a shop then back to say adieu to Kevin. Hopefully I will get to post this entry tomorrow night before I leave on my quest for western food.  

1400

Well I got up for breakfast, quite why I don’t know considering the cheese on toast last night still sat heavily down below but go I did. Waste of money and I won’t be repeating the error in the morning (as was my original plan) before the train. I will go hungry and hopefully do justice to whatever I order in BitBurger in the evening.

And having ascertained Kevin was leaving after lunch, of course I was going to be sure to be back by noon. Except when I was in the supermarket he told me he was off (at eleven!) and he would see me in October. Ok I understand he was rattling around in an empty flat with a car loaded up with the last of his effects and of course he wants to familiarise himself with his new workplace. But.

I feel guilty a-bloody-gain!

It won’t be the last time we meet that’s for sure, he can get here in less than three hours and who knows, although the train journey is circuitous, I may just go and see him. I got to thinking about his “empty flat” comment though. I wish I hadn’t. For now it means on my part “empty campus” - I have no bird of a feather to have furious rows with, fix my computer or any other odd job I need doing. More importantly, for now I have nobody that “understands” - if you get my meaning.

I don’t expect Joan, Joanna, Anna etc to really empathise with me, they can’t any more than I can with their unique view on life, try as I might. So at present I can’t see any laowei showing as teachers on the school website and even if there are I will wager they will be from across the pond. That will be difficult!

I can be an island most of the time if necessary but even islands need the occasional bridge to cross once in a while.

1730

Best finish this off and put it to bed.

Dinner tonight might be a ready-made pizza that looks good on the box and I hope doesn’t have that awful unidentifiable taste that every other pizza I have bought from supermarket freezers has. I’ve been to the local shop and bought jing jo for the trip (along with a can of what looks like it might be Coke in case I get thirsty) and a bag of spicy rice snacks.

Now I have decided not to go for breakfast first there’s no need to rise early, the train leaves at eleven and it’s odds on that I will take the bike and leave it at the station overnight so I will leave about thirty minutes before it departs. I’m even going to pack some playing cards in case anyone is up for a game of Landlord and Farmer. Must remember to pack everything I need to use my laptop though!

See you after Hefei!

Wednesday 19th August, 2015                   1415

So much for the western offerings at the breakfast table. I handed my coupon over, walked around the buffet and strode straight out again - not even a pot of yoghurt and somehow spring rolls simply don’t take my fancy early in the morning. Overall though, not a bad hotel and had I been forewarned about the restaurant I could have spent another hour in bed. Helen, Mum and Dad attended my room bearing gifts of two large bottles of Jing Jo and two chuck away lighters. I made them all tea which they politely drank and they escorted me to the station and waited on the platform until the train left.

For some reason (maybe the early morning) the train trips back knocked the living daylights out of me. I did go to the little café at Wuhu station, where they couldn’t understand Chinese either (Jen Jowza = fried dumplings) so it ended with me rummaging around in their freezer, finding dumplings (looked more like mini wontons) and pointing to the wok. I received them ten minutes later not fried, sitting in hot water. For a mere 5y it was at least food, although the meat content of each dumpling was the equivalent of two grains of rice. As it turned out that meal had to do me until Tuesday morning.

No journey of mine would be quite the same without some calamity occurring on the return trip and this one didn’t disappoint. I alighted the 29 bus at the south gate, pulled up the telescopic handle on the suitcase to start wheeling it to my bike and found myself lugging an unusually light load. The handle had parted company with the struts and my case was sitting malevolently on the road so I was simply clutching the handle. Great.

The reason for eating nothing was that I was so dog tired by the time I returned I was falling asleep in my chair so preparing food wasn’t high on the list. I went to bed really early but made sure to get up early enough to go to town for breakfast. I also needed to buy a new overnight case and in RT Mart obtained one for a reasonable 200y.

Kevin arrived back, having flown from Guangzhou and was obviously knackered as he took to his bed immediately but not before agreeing we should go out for dinner. So he and I, Vivi and Alice all went to the restaurant we had been to with the little school, only to be told they had no tables. Brilliant. Kevin suggested we try Jeff’s place (although whether he still owns it or not I am unsure) which was very busy but a table was found. Having eaten in the morning I couldn’t face much but the other three made valiant efforts, although the remains of the whale Vivi ordered did get stuffed into doggy bags for roommates. A pleasant evening with the Chinese contingent on the adjacent table being very friendly and gambaying with us frequently.

Today the itchy feet won. I spent the morning surfing to decide where to go and for how long. Prudence told me if I wanted a decent hotel I can really only go for one night lest I run out of cash before payday. It was Ma’anshan at first until Anna sent me a message out of the blue. Of course! She is in Hefei! And what is in Hefei? Bitburger and a superb English breakfast at the Holiday Inn! The room is booked for Saturday night and Anna will come back to school on the train with me - one last bit of travelling before getting back in the saddle.

Shortly I am going downtown in search of a haircut (I am getting into the realms of soon needing to use a comb), some more wine for my stocks and a couple of baguettes. I am defrosting chilli mince so Kevin and Vivi can have some as well but in case it isn’t enough the bread and butter will augment it. Tomorrow I will take the bike to the station to buy my ticket to Hefei. The return one will have to wait until I see Anna so we can sit together.

As this holiday draws nearer an end, once again I find myself anticipating the masses returning and although Joan has had precious little time with her family I can’t wait for her to come back.

1700

Well I thought the above would be the end of this entry but it isn’t.

Have you ever had an occasion where you really wish you had turned around, hauled one off and laid someone out on their back?

My peaceful afternoon of shopping started off well, I got my favourite seat on the bus, discovered I had lost my lighter and so paid for five at my cigar stall (they very kindly gave me six) and spotted a barber shop up the alley. In there I was ripped off for double the normal price (usually it is 10y) for a simple shear with clippers, short all over but no matter, I needed it. Next was RT for some essentials (splashed out on two packets of M&Ms) and then narrowly missed the 29 back to school.

I sat down and lit a cigar. A minute later a smartly dressed chap wearing black t-shirt and casual trousers with shaven head in his early thirties sat next to me and lit a cigarette. He sat there smoking while the 6 and 11 buses came and went. Then the 10 hove into view with the 29 on its heels.

I got up, gathered my shopping and went to meet the bus. The moment the doors opened I found myself being pushed from behind. Considering not only was there no rush but no crowd either, it rather annoyed me being shoved from the back. Little did I know at that point it was Mr blackshirt. On the third push I had had enough and so pushed back, half turned and wielded my right elbow accompanied by a seafaring expression that was intended to offend. As I realised who it was, Mr Blackshirt casually turned away and strolled off in the direction of New West Street.

I got on the bus, popped my 2y fare in the slot and then suddenly, horrifying memories of St Petersburg a decade ago flooded my mind - only this time the best I could manage would have been a brisk limp were it needed. The bastard had been trying to lift my wallet.

I patted my pocket and it was still there. I checked another pocket and my phone was there. He got nothing but could so easily have ruined my little weekend excursion. I assume I have to thank my elbow for seeing him off but really, if only I had realised sooner, I would have removed all his front teeth without thinking twice.

No wonder students tell me they lose their purses and phones on the bus. And there’s me telling them they should be more careful. It nearly happened to me today. I do so hope to encounter the chap again. Whether he does anything or not he will know pain and when the police come I will swear he had his hand on my wallet.

Sunday 16th August, 2015                1230

This little break is shaping up to be a simple relaxing getaway, oddly a nice change after the hectic times in Shanghai, Shenyang and Hefei. I feel no sense of guilt over not doing any sightseeing, for I don’t think there are many sights to see!

In fact today I have done absolutely nothing other than shower. I did in fact take a rain check on breakfast (nine o’clock finish indeed!) but may take a mosey down to the restaurant tomorrow seeing as I need to be up at a respectable time to catch my train back just before eleven.

The room is pleasantly comfortable, I have a room at the rear of the hotel which means no road noise (good - see photo of the glorious panorama from the window) but of course this is China and the noise comes from within. Chinese guests knocking on the doors of adjoining rooms at all hours of the night and kids running amok in the corridors at stupid o’clock in the morning. I can’t blame the hotel for that but it was tempting to burst out of my room this morning to do a naked Incredible ulk impression. Had I done that the door would have closed itself and left me in a rather embarrassing position. If I don’t feel too tired tonight and I am still up at midnight I may just conduct a very loud conversation with nobody in particular or simply put the television on at full volume.

I am pleasantly surprised by the hotel, lack of western breakfast notwithstanding it is a good quality hostelry with all the free toiletries you could want and other items which can be bought in-room such as nail clippers, condoms (chance would be a fine thing), playing cards etc. One small gripe concerns the disposable razors, they are not good quality and virtually pull the skin off your face and I wouldn’t exactly describe my beard as tough by any stretch.

Helen and Mum will come later this afternoon along with Helen’s female friend. I also urged them to entice Dad along and even bring their puppy. Somehow they were given one which is only eight weeks old, far too young to be away from its mother. They have been feeding it cows milk and last night I beseeched them to buy the special puppy milk powder from the vet. I also discovered that they don’t actually live in Ningguo.

As is often the case here, they in fact live twenty miles away in the sticks but ally themselves to the nearest “city”. A bit like my being from Marlow and saying I live in Oxford!

2100


I never set foot outside the room until Helen and Mum arrived. Mum was a Godsend. My new trousers, a week old, had parted company with one of the eyes for threading the belt through. Probably more the fault of my cinching the belt so tight to keep the damned things up than the trousers themselves but I needed a seamstress. Mum didn’t disappoint and so there was the incongruous sight of me sitting in my boxers, Helen looking at my computer photos of my recent travels while Mum got to work with needle and thread.

And then it was off to dinner. This time we needed a taxi and they took me to a place which was very reminiscent of Love In Town but smaller. Importantly, they had those little computer thingies with photos to order from - and order I did. Sweet pork, cabbage hotpot, prawn platter, some strange pork mince cakes which were really quite nice, mixed vegetables and a dish called snowflakes with braised vegetables. I never quite got to the bottom of what the snowflakes were but they were disgusting. I reckon they were supposed to be pork neck but in fact they seemed to be plain deep fried pork fat. Overall though, a very nice meal.

Despite our deal last night Mum tried to renege, saying through Helen that as my hosts they should pay. I wasn’t having any of it and turned the loss of face card back on her. I had expected a bill of 300y and was highly pleased when it was just 200y. I let Mum pay for the cab back to the hotel by way of concession!

They are both coming back in the morning to escort me to the train station so I have promised to brew them both a cup of English breakfast tea at 0930 - wonder if they will like it? As I need to be up early I will make the effort to see what is on offer for breakfast, if nothing else I can eat a few pots of yoghurt, always good for the digestion but hopefully not rapid acting on the train. I can’t think of many worse predicaments to be in than stuck in a Chinese train squat loo needing a number two - quite apart from the physical problems the stench has to be experienced to be believed.

Just a fortnight to go until term starts and unusually I still have itchy feet. I am seriously considering another last weekend foray, maybe to Ma’anshan which I am told is beautiful. Nothing is decided but the seeds are there.

Sunday August 16th, 2015                    1100

On Thursday as intended I took Alice and Cherry for a barbecue (not as we know it, just a cook at table thing) because they had offered to look after the cats while I was away but Mulan did it anyway. Contrary to what I believed, they have actually both been home once during the holidays, albeit for just three days. Highly unusual for freshmen, that sort of thing is normally confined to sophomores and above so I admire their application to their studies.

What was not unusual was the sheer volume of food they packed away! Great to see when you have prepaid for all you can eat! I sat agog as they stuffed all sorts down their throats and had the cheek to comment on the three measly bottles of beer I consumed. They enjoyed it but when we left they wanted to buy some snacks from the supermarket in the basement. Having offered to ferry them to their dorm once back, and having been told they would rather walk, whilst waiting I was somewhat concerned that they would make it for 2030. I had visions of two houseguests for the night. Not a problem but I don’t stock non alcoholic drinks as a rule and it is doubtful they like English breakfast tea.

By the time the bus deposited us at the south gate it was already 2030 so they caved in and accepted my suggestion that I took one, who, if the doors were still open, would ask the “auntie” to wait a few minutes while I fetched the other. First though we had to detour to the classrooms to collect their books. We made it.

Friday night I cooked chilli mince and now have three more meals in the freezer if only I can remember to defrost them first - the microwave is dormant in the spare bedroom because my kitchen counter is chock-a block.

Yesterday morning I did indeed get up early, packed and instead of taking the bike the entire way, parked up and bussed to McD for breakfast, no strawberry jam yet again. Rather than bus back to the station and lug my case up the ramp (weighed down by red wine and jing jo) I took a taxi so I could be dropped off at the top. I had enough time for a cigar in the smoking room before we boarded. Now get this - the round trip involves four trains and EVERY ticket is for carriage number two. Not only that but by the time I get back tomorrow night my seats will have been 1, 2, 4 and 5  - another train and I could have had a clean sweep with seat 3!!

Anyway, my seat was occupied. Three lads sitting together but with the two facing seats free I said as long as nobody else came I was happy - I didn’t want to sit by the window and have to get people to move every time I wanted a smoke. The train was half empty, a rare luxury in China. It later transpired the lad sitting in my seat (5) and who was adamant he also had 5, did in fact have a ticket for seat 50! I only asked to see his ticket because had we both been issued the same seat I was going to complain. Stupid boy.

It was only a 2 hour trip to Wuhu where I had to change trains for Ningguo. No such thing as being in transit on Chinese trains - you have to leave the station and then re-enter and go through security all over again. And just my luck, yet again in Wuhu I had to climb to the 3rd floor for my train access point. I did though manage a cold beer in between and on the way back may even have some noodles for lunch seeing as I will have two hours to kill instead of one.

As I sit here typing my body still feels as if I am on the train. It seems the older you become, the longer the motion effect takes to wear off.

Anyway, on arrival, having left glorious sunshine in my wake, I met torrential rain. Helen and her mother were there to meet me and they had an umbrella between them. I had nothing - typically British because after all, only mad dogs etc. They wanted to wait for the downpour to subside (it didn’t look as if it would any time soon and indeed carried on for an hour) but I said we should get a taxi and strode out into the rain, much to their horror.

Assuring them it was just water and that I could dry out later, they followed, however, taxis were being snapped up as soon as they appeared. It seemed as if I wouldn’t get simply wet, rather a damned good soaking. Until that is, an enterprising three-wheeler electric cart chanced along with a shelter made of polystyrene covering the back, a small thwartships bench and a tiny stool. “Go and get your Mum” I told Helen and off she went. We travelled in rickety style to the hotel, probably for a fraction of the cost (Mum paid) and I checked into Trip Advisor’s number one hotel here.

Advertised lobby bar? Oh yes, for tea and coffee! Western restaurant? As I hinted at before, not a chance - breakfast, if I go down (seeing as it stops at nine even at weekends) will be fruit, yoghurt and if I can face it, sweet Chinese bread. I think a pass is in order. However the room is comfortable and clean and bonus - there is a fridge!

Now, for months I have had a checklist written down which I go through to ensure I pack everything I need for a trip away. Essentials such as waiter’s friend, medicines, tea bags etc. I need to add to it. Recall the last trip I forgot my mouse? This time I remembered it but forgot the bloody power lead! I remembered the mouse though.

So once my gear was in the room it was off with laptop tucked under my arm to a computer shop. To my relief they had a lead and transformer which cost 90y. I then asked if they had a bag, meaning anything to stuff the laptop (it’s a big heavy one) and lead into for carrying to the restaurant. Out came proper laptop bags! What the hell, I bought one for 60y so my little senior moment in the morning cost me 150y but now I can leave a power supply in the suitcase so it never happens again.

Ningguo is by Chinese standards tiny but certainly seems to have plenty of shops and restaurants. I was taken  to a place (see photos) which was fine and the food edible. They probably do some great dishes for me but the menu is in Chinese so I am at the mercy of Helen. Mum insisted on paying so we have done a deal where Helen brings her friend and hopefully Dad can come tomorrow too and then I will pick up the tab. Our repast was relatively frugal, with the girls choosing some awful looking tofu dish, a tasty plate of sliced potatoes with peppers and I chose the only one of the few photographs on the menu that looked suitable. I thought it was steamed dumplings but it turned out to be meatball soup! Not gourmet fodder but it filled a hole. Maybe tonight I will ask for a detailed rundown on the menu, or better still it will be printed in English as well.

When we pulled up at the hotel our taxi was approached by a veritable phalanx of concierges (a cluster of concierges??) to whisk our bags in for us and up to the room. What a breath of fresh air! Certainly we had been treated like royalty in Shenyang (house pests in Shanghai!) but it was almost as if they knew something and were doing their damnedest to upstage the Hilton. Having been friends of the boss they were never going to do that but by heck they certainly equalled it!

Again I was lent a mouse and I also asked if they could arrange for someone to take our ID to the train station and collect our prepaid tickets to save us time in the morning. I would happily have tipped 50y for that but they refused all payment, although when they arrived later that night I gave the bellboy 20y for his trouble. The room was fine although there were no disposable razors, a very small minus. The only other criticism was that some of the public area carpets were worn and should be replaced but overall a damned good hotel. Any shortcomings were easily outweighed by the willingness of all the staff to please.

After a much needed nap it was off to BitBurger, somewhere I had been three years before with Steve when he ran the Hefei Hilton. There we met Vivian (she who did the dvd of my life in Chizhou) for dinner. By the time we arrived she had already ordered onion rings (biggest onions I have ever seen), escargots and pizza. Joan ordered yet another lasagne which looked sumptuous. The food was great, Guinness was cold, what more could I want? Well Vivian picking up the tab was icing on the cake. When I protested she reminded me that last year when I treated her to dinner at the Hilton (actually I didn’t, the Hotel Food Services manager signed off the bill but she doesn’t know that) she had said next time she would pay. It had to be of the order of 700y and would have left me needing a cash point, as it is I still have money in my wallet!

Afterwards she came back to our room where she watched the spring gala TV show because she didn’t believe I was in it and doing Tai Chi to boot! And sorry Steve, because she had paid so much money for the meal I gave her a gift - yes, my lucky frog statuette. I should have asked for another one for emergencies!

Tuesday morning we went for breakfast. The train wasn’t until almost midday so there was no rush. The buffet was extensive and every bit as good as the Hilton, the only criticism was that nobody offered us tea or coffee. No big deal, there were plenty of juices to choose from so the orange took a hammering. They even had eggy bread and maple syrup, something I haven’t had since 1984 when I was stranded ashore by fog overnight in Baton Rouge, Mississippi! I left the breakfast table decidedly heavier than when I entered.

On leaving we had a party comprising some security manager and the female general manager (Cherry) to see us off and when I next go to Hefei the Holiday Inn is now my choice, the Hilton having gone downhill since Steve left.

The taxi (bastard) dropped us off outside the coach station. I wish I hadn’t tipped him. Joan had her rucksack and handbag, I had my suitcase, the holdall and the new rucksack. The only way to cross the road to get to the train station was to take the overpass. It was hot and the only consolation was that each side of the stairs there is a ramp so I could painfully drag three bags weighing a combined 30 kgs up, across and then try to stop them from running away from me on the downslope. I was soaked by the time we got to the station.

We were lucky because our tickets, although for consecutive seats, were either side of the aisle yet we managed to sit together by asking the rightful owner of the seat Joan was eventually in if he would mind swapping, which he didn’t. The only things worthy of note were A) the guard after about an hour spotted my Jing Jo (medicine wine) bottles and admonished me as it wasn’t allowed apparently even though you can buy warm beer on the train. He was good natured about it and left me alone because presumably I am a laowei and anyway we had been “communicating” by body language earlier when I had been smoking B) the first time I went for a smoke in the vestibule between carriages (perfectly legal, it’s where you are allowed) there was a chap in a pinkish t-shirt smoking a fag and a woman facing out of the door window gyrating her hips. I don’t think she had paid for a seat, only a standing ticket. As soon as I lit my cigar she went ballistic, castigating me for smoking in a designated smoking area. All smokers reading this will I am sure feel the same as me - we are treated as lepers almost everywhere these days and so when we are doing it where we are supposed to, then we fight back with a vengeance! I waited (and pink shirt watched on with amusement for she hadn’t said anything to him at all) until her unintelligible but unmistakeable tirade had finished and calmly pointed to the little sign which states smoking permitted. I then took a huge puff and exhaled clouds of smoke in her direction and pointed left, telling her to go to the WC. She wasn’t happy but pink shirt thought it was marvellous as she flounced off.

I had now made a friend in pink shirt, for every time he saw me rise to have a smoke, he followed suit! And every time we went for a gasp she was there, hips gyrating, enjoying the view. And every time I brandished my cigar case at her and beamed, “I’m back!” at her, every time some invective was levelled at me as she retreated to a smoke free environment. Every time pink shirt laughed and gave me the thumbs up. I think we both went for far more smokes than we would otherwise, simply to piss her off!

C) I asked Joan if she had enjoyed the holiday and she replied that she had enjoyed most of the time in Shanghai (she, like me, wasn’t best pleased over the hotel and room) but ALL of the time in Shenyang. That has to be entirely down to our gracious host who I rib mercilessly at times and who does strike back like a cobra, so many thanks again Steve.

 Five hours later we were on home turf, took the bus home and had an early night. I didn’t eat but made Joan some wraps, I was too tired to cook. This morning I took her on the bike to McDonald’s for breakfast (she is on her way home now on a 9 hour train journey during which she won’t eat). I nearly died when I saw the size of her suitcase but managed to squeeze it into the space between me and the front of the bike, otherwise we would have had to take buses. Suitably fortified, she has now been on the train for two hours and will arrive in her hometown at seven tonight. Her mother has killed the fatted calf as she hasn’t been home since spring festival. There are many like her, for whom it takes nine or ten hours to get home and the same back (the only train back arrives here at three in the morning for Christ’s sake!) so three or four day holidays just aren’t worth going home. As it is she gave up three weeks of her holidays volunteering and learning to teach and now eleven days to accompany me, although she HAS had a holiday she will never forget.

So back to reality, at least for a couple of days. At the weekend I will leave again for two nights in Ningguo in the east of Anhui province. I promised Helen if I had both time and money I would make a point and I have both the aforementioned. It will be poles apart from where I have just been, being a small place, a lot smaller than here so local knowledge will probably be essential regarding finding food I can eat. Ctrip says my hotel has a western restaurant but Ctrip often tells porkies. The reviews I have read that mention breakfast (only a couple) seem to indicate it is only Chinese and not much variety either. Doubtless I will find out when I get there but I am not getting up early to be greeted by gloopy congee (a sort of rice porridge with the consistency of snot), I would rather pass.

Tonight I am taking Alice and a friend of hers to dinner. They haven’t been home all vacation as far as I know and have been staying in one of the dormitory blocks the school has left open. Mind you, we have to go early because the “auntie” locks the doors at eight-thirty! Every other year it was ten so I think she is just being bone idle - these are legally adults with an early evening curfew on holiday! I shall take them to the all you can eat barbecue restaurant, at least I know how much the bill will be in advance. Tomorrow will be a shopping trip to buy snacks for the Saturday trip (here to Wuhu, change trains and then there to Ningguo), not that I normally eat on trains here anyway. Or if I get up early I can always have a McBreakfast before I leave. Yes, might do just that.

Monday morning was a wrench indeed. I got up at five so we could breakfast at six. Our flight to Hefei was 0930. This time I did have pork sausages and suitably fortified went up to the room to finish packing. We had arrived with one bag apiece but due to all the gifts of tins of exotic tea, lucky frog statues and other knickknacks Steve had laden us with, we also ended up with another rucksack and a holdall to cart them all off in!

And then all too soon it was time to say goodbye. The hotel chauffeur drove us competently to the airport where we were turned over by customs on going through to departures. They went through every bag bar the checked luggage (got away with two lighters in there, unlike Chizhou) and idiot here had completely forgotten the liquids ban and stowed a bottle of HP sauce Steve gave me in my bag. You would have thought HP sauce was a major component in Semtex by the reaction but I really didn’t want to forfeit it and asked Joan to explain it was essential for an English breakfast. After pondering for a while the officious chap (who doubtless was enjoying making life difficult for me) mulled over his options. Finally he asked through Joan that I open the bottle and taste some. Well that was indeed a hardship! I dipped my finger in and popped it in my mouth, said , “Mmmmm…….yummy” and then we were through. Phew.

I was shocked and a little annoyed to find the terminal had no designated smoking room - even tiny little Chizhou airport has one - and was tempted to chance it in the toilets but thought better of it considering the way my luck had gone so far there. At least I had my snuff to damp down the cravings.

The 2.5 hour flight with Shenzen Air was uneventful, although when I asked the hostess if she had cold beer she informed me that as it was a breakfast flight (implying presumably a later flight, were there one, might have had and also there was something wrong with me) they didn’t have beer. My response was that being western, there were occasions I drank beer for breakfast, which received a perplexed look. No matter, I had learnt my lesson and had bought four cans in the terminal before we boarded. It was fine apart from the fact we had the very rear seats which are hard up against the bulkhead and can’t recline. It was either those or we sat apart as they only had middle seats available by the time we checked in. No delays and we disembarked bang on schedule.

Ctrip (the Chinese website I use to book hotels and flights) advertised the Holiday Inn as being the only hotel that offered an airport shuttle. I had checked via email and double checked. All we had to do was go to the exit and ask for the bus to the hotel. The girl on the customer service desk spoke not a word of English! Frankly I was tired and having planned everything meticulously I became probably angrier than the situation warranted but I was incredulous that here was a girl who only spoke English, working in customer services in an international airport! I left Joan to do it (although that then caused a rift as she couldn’t understand why I was so angry and in her eyes rude to the girl) and it transpired that there is no hotel shuttle bus. What it is is a shuttle bus between the airport and the city bus station. If you KNOW beforehand then everything is fine but I wasn’t told that.

The hotel is minimum fare by taxi from the station so it was no drama in the end but of course I was on the trip so there had to be something go wrong!

Now I am not saying the bus driver was useless because given the heavy and reckless traffic I thought he was very competent. Not far from the bus station the bus tried to mate with an Audi A8. I couldn’t see everything from my vantage point but I would lay odds it was the car at fault and it had cut in front of the bus. It was more of a kiss than full blown copulation but of course this is a country where following even the most minor of prangs the cars are left blocking a 6 lane highway, causing chaos for other road users until the police arrive to take photographs. Even then, the police leave everything in situ until they have snapped away and finished interviewing a hundred witnesses. One man exited the bus, telling me to get off because I would be waiting a very long time. My thoughts exactly and I considered cabbing the final couple of  miles. Amazingly no sooner had he alighted than we were on our way, presumably because the damage was so slight and with the ex passenger looking on from the pavement as we continued.

Anyway, despite the length of delay they made up some time and Steve (who runs the Doubletree Hilton in Shenyang) had told me I would be met at the airport. Not surprisingly, as we emerged I was looking for a Chinese driver with a board with my name on it. I didn’t see one and as I came out from the arrivals barrier I said to Joan behind me, follow me. From behind me I heard Steve say why would she do that? Apparently I had looked straight at him but not registered - after all, I was expecting him to still be at work!

As always, his apartment in the hotel is sumptuous (I think Joan’s jaw literally dropped when we went in) and also as always he has filled his fridge with beer on my account. We had a lovely buffet meal that night in the hotel followed by a catch up in the apartment over a couple of bottles of red.

The following day (Friday) we were left to our own devices, Steve having work during the day and a business meal in the evening. He joined us at breakfast and the next time we saw him was late at night. Joan wants to learn to swim so Steve arranged for her to have lessons on Saturday and Sunday mornings but of course we needed to buy her a swimsuit. It was fortuitous that the hotel is adjacent to the largest indoor market in northern China! Indeed if you believe Wikipedia it is the largest of its kind in Asia, although I was under the impression that accolade went to Wuhu.

As we entered the building we needed I was stunned by the cacophony of noise, coming mainly from the thousands of traders running stalls. I was astonished at the sheer number of shoes, slippers and sandals which stretched as far as the eye could see. I also needed to buy a pair of trousers because I had omitted to pack a spare pair. Enquiries as to where to  get them saw us directed to the “fat people” stall. I did though get a nice, reasonably priced, lightweight pair. I also found shirts that actually fitted and so bought a couple and now regret not buying another couple.

Joan got a swimming costume but never tried it on when we got back, instead doing so in the evening. Although it was the smallest size, to put it delicately had she gone swimming in it her upper bits would have been on display. This irked me because in order to rectify it we had to get up early on Saturday to go back. The solution was a matching swimming bra which was provided gratis and she had her lesson on time.

In the evening we went to Casey’s Diner. Steve had recommended there and Heidi’s Swiss restaurant. He had stated that I would know Casey once I saw him and he wasn’t wrong! A broth of a boy to say the least and I did in fact say to him that he would be a big boy when he grew up - he made two of me! I’ll lay odds there are never any fights in that place.

Anyway, I think his success comes not only from the quality of his food (which is excellent) but also his charisma and easy charm. Within three minutes of chatting with him you feel you have known him all your life. A real larger than life character in every sense. When he left us to talk to some regulars Joan asked how many years I had known him and was completely thrown when I said I hadn’t met him before in my life.

Joan went for lasagne (due to being around my cooking, unlike most Chinese she now has a liking for pasta and cheese - I will Anglify her completely yet!) and I opted for the smallest pizza. Both were good but I only finished half of mine, the rest came home with us in a box.

On Saturday we indeed went to the market while Steve was out on one of his lunatic 60 mile rides, the arrangement being a text to say when and where to meet for lunch. Sod’s law stated it was going to be Casey’s but that was hardly a trauma. “Lunch” was at four!

Casey’s signature dish is the burger. Proper burgers. A visit to Shenyang is not authentic until you have one, so I found the smallest burger on the menu. We met two of his cycling buddies (Shona and Lenz, she from Taiwan, he from Germany - and yes I couldn‘t resist mentioning the war and he took it in very good spirit!) and the beer flowed outside in the beer garden. God in heaven, I only managed half the burger. There is a house challenge called the Warrior Burger, contestants/gluttons are allowed 12 minutes to eat the entire meal without going to the loo and it is free. It would take me 12 days to finish it let alone minutes, yet amazingly about ten people are on the leader board as having completed the gargantuan task. Hard to believe I know but very recently someone called Don became the top of the table by a country mile, finishing in 5 minutes 23 seconds! Sadly I never got to meet this chap but my mind’s eye tells me he is probably of very slight build and one you would least expect. I am sure Steve will correct me if my guess is wrong.  Obviously with lunch that late there was never going to be dinner, so it was back to the presidential suite for beers and wines.

I would dearly have loved to go down for breakfast over the weekend but with the promise of a heavy lunch it was compromised. Instead we went to Heidi’s just after noon and again sat outside with the Three Stooges. Shona and Lenz are quite obviously still very much in love even after 21 years of marriage, so much so that Steve and I needed airsick bags at times! It beats sitting in the company of a warring couple though! Those three had the biggest veal cordon bleu I have ever seen (and finished them!) while Joan and I shared a Swiss cheese fondue with potatoes, salad and ham which was simply sublime even though I am sure I detected cheddar in it.

There was also the spectacle of the power walkers. There was a park opposite and around the park on the path, dozens of people of all ages were aimlessly walking fast in single file around the perimeter. Dozens of times. They probably do a hundred circuits before bedtime and God help anyone who actually wants to use the pavement to get from A to B. They also need their heads testing.

Then the super typhoon hit. Hail and rain and a quick scuttle inside until it was over. Back outside, we were going to leave and I suggested one more drink for gutter. That was our undoing.

A girl had been in, tying balloons into shapes (flowers, guitars, pistols etc) and then Armageddon hit us. The name of Armageddon was a Philippino named Elmer. He is the resident guitarist and singer. Steve told me it was not uncommon for more people to be on the road listening than there were in the establishment and I can well believe that. He is simply incredible. I found myself wishing my brother Adam was there because he could have sang along too. I decided to test Elmer by asking him to do Wonderful World and it must be said (and I told him so) it was the best rendition I have ever heard by anyone who wasn’t actually Louis Armstrong. I tested him further by asking for I Started A Joke and beggar me didn’t he pull that off too. I swear we would have been there until the wee hours had ominous black clouds not forced him to unplug all the electrics and retreat inside. An impromptu but rip-roaring session, completely unexpected but definitely the highlight of the entire holiday. It was also an occasion where the general manager of a prestigious international 5 star hotel chain could be observed with balloons around his head making him resemble quite literally a d***head and playing a balloon guitar (see embarrassing photos).