Oh my God.
Why did I agree to this trip???
Oh it started off fine aside from the light rain. In fact it went well for over an hour and a half, until in fact after we stopped at a service station. This was broadcast to the bus as “the laowei needs the WC” when in fact all I had said was that I hoped they would take a halfway break so everyone could and I could have a smoke.
Thereafter and until now it has gone distinctly downhill. Considering the coach came from where we are now to where it collected us, I find it unbelievable what happened next. Our place of residence has changed due to roadworks, that’s fine, but the bloody things were there when the bus came and yet we still encountered severe turbulence and eventually ground to a complete halt. There was a width restriction.
I personally thought the coach could have squeezed through (just) but oh no, we had to turn around. Not only that, the driver decided to do it in such a way that the driving wheels rather than the steering ones went into the mud. I declared my intention to refuse to get out to push as soon as this lunacy started. However, he did get us turned and took a different route. Then we hit more roadworks and another width restriction. This time though John Candy (my name for the fat bloke running the tour) got out to guide the bus. I think they had run out of ways to get where we are now. It was tight but we got through and my little bus game with prizes lasted nicely until the end.
So we arrived at a “scenic area” whereupon the children were greeted by a Sergeant Major. Not really, it’s his job. The parents send the children on this sort of thing to try to combat the Little Emperor/Empress syndrome. For those unfamiliar, due to the one child policy there are millions of spoilt brats in China now. This is supposed to be character building for them and certainly the SM had them doing exactly what he said so maybe these three days will benefit them. But we are not in the heavenly village, nor will I get to be, apparently even a taxi can’t get through. There’s no such thing as organised roadworks in China - no contra flows, just dig up the lot at once.
It was then that I discovered something. I had previously indicated I would happily pay for an hotel room for myself but it quickly became apparent that the rooms at this centre are for three people. I have not shared a room outside the family home other than with a beautiful girl for 41 years.
The inside of me screamed to demand to be taken to an hotel but the little devil on my left shoulder said go with the flow. So I did, even though I was told I could have a room of my own. I now have two boys as roommates and I am unsure as to who I feel sorrier for most, them or me. I snore apparently.
The room is basic. That in itself is no big deal but the internet didn’t work. That is, it is a problem nowadays, especially in a country where you can’t understand the TV. We went for lunch. The kids were on two tables in one room while the instructors and other adults went to another. I was not happy with that because as you may know I believe if you travel together you should eat (but not sleep) together. Tonight I will sit with the kids and to hell with the “you can’t drink beer in front of them” or “don’t make them nervous!” brigades. I am not their teacher and anyway I’m a laowei so I’m allowed to do potty things.
I only hope dinner is better than lunch was. It was diabolical. Worse than that, there was absolutely nothing I liked except cabbage. I may well starve to death before I get back on Wednesday night.
Tuesday 19th 1100
The owner and I went for a short wander after lunch and he wanted to visit a scenic park. The problem was it was all uphill. Ever resourceful, I managed to cadge a lift from a van to an area with souvenir shops overlooking a large lake. There were cruisers for hire at exorbitant prices but unless I produced my “licence” to drive them we had to have a driver. We passed on that. I did however manage to wangle a lift on an e-pickup to get back.
Dinner was every bit as atrocious as lunch had been. I am now at the stage where I am wishing a guy on a bike selling steamed buns would show up - at least I could fill a hole. I can’t even go to an outside restaurant because the kids have a party each evening and not to attend would be a bit off. I actually sang a song for them last night, not that they understood a word. My reward? The drill sergeant gave them a task - to remove my shirt. It would not have been beyond me to resist but with 21 screaming kids baying for it I decided to struggle just a little so they could have their fun. Not that seeing my gut could in any way be classified as fun.
Going to bed relatively early, I was confident of a good night’s sleep. Until the oldest kid I am sharing with had his phone alarm go off at about three this morning. Worse, the only one that heard it was me and so it went on snooze at ten minute intervals for over an hour before I finally broke and made sure the owner was awake to switch it off. I just dozed after that and got up in daylight with the kids, only to find it was still only seven. Lord help me. The shower this morning was fun too. The water only trickles out and everyone gets one towel the size of a handkerchief. It was wet after merely drying my hair. Shanghai can’t come quick enough.
Wednesday 20th 1015
Final day. I think we are off at midday after lunch (if you can call it that) and are going to a museum before heading back.
Last night’s dinner had two dishes that I thought at last I could get something to eat. One was deep fried and breaded chicken bits, the other looked like steamed wonton rolls. The chicken was fine but as usual everyone else liked it because I did and so I only got two bits. The dumpling things? The owner and I both took one and simultaneously we both rushed from the room to spit them out into a bin. The filling was pork mince but what they had done to it God only knew.
I didn’t have to go to last night’s party after all because it was a film in Chinese so I sat outside having a beer instead. I could hear the music and soundtrack and recognised it as one I have seen in the university. As I suspected, apparently all the children cried, as did some of my own students when they watched it.
I couldn’t stay too long though as in the space of two days I wiped out their stock of pijou, not that they had much to start with. Doubtless lunch today will be a dry affair. As I never managed to grab some kip yesterday I actually called it a day when the kids did and again (having threatened phone boy with instant death if it went off) expected to awake refreshed. I didn’t but that is no fault of the kids. I am a light sleeper anyway so it made no difference but the Chinese have no concept of keeping quiet when someone is sleeping. They woke up, put all the lights on and proceeded to conduct a conversation at full volume. That’s pretty much the way our school accommodation block is going now they have populated it with loads of Chinese teachers. Even though I forewarned him, Kevin is going mad (not a morning person) and he is going to get Vivi to make some Chinese signs to put up requesting consideration for others. As if that will work!
Our stay here, whilst not exactly being comfortable (for me) has nonetheless been interesting and it has been quite fun watching the kids being whipped into shape and seemingly enjoying the process. There have been moments when I have wished dearly that I could turn the clock back fifty years.
I am not sure if I will be able to complete writing about this jaunt before I am in Shanghai so I am going to post this now before being summoned for lunch. I am just hoping the Friday night curry goes as planned because Roland Orange emailed me yesterday to say that he was being sent to assess a bulk carrier that went aground and ripped open four of her double bottom tanks. He should be back in time but you never know.
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