Tuesday 22nd August, 2017                 0030

I spoke too soon yesterday. I made it for breakfast basically because it was going to be a long time until I ate again, as it transpired it was even longer than I thought.

With a flight leaving at (allegedly) 1645 and an hour needed by taxi to the airport, the last thing I wanted was to have to check out at noon and twiddle my thumbs for hours in the lobby so after eating I went down to check what time I needed to vacate the room. I thought I had read it somewhere and I was proved right, normally noon but executives get until 1400 - thank you Lord!

Back in the room I checked my flight. On time until 1200. Then delayed 50 minutes. Some time later delayed 1h 30m. Marvellous. Of course the delay notwithstanding, in China even if the delay is 5 hours they still close check-in 20 mins before the original scheduled departure so you still have to turn up on time even when the aircraft is not yet even in the airport!

I had a leisurely beer in the lobby, no point in getting there any earlier than an hour before, in 1st class I would have no queues anywhere. Duly breezed through and into the exec lounge, which actually had alcohol despite the good old internet telling me it was only soft drinks. Had a beer then hit the white wine. Drank all that then found a smoking room despite our friend the internet telling me there was no smoking at all. Came back and asked for another bottle, only to be told there was none. Ok, I will start on the red then. By then the food came out at 1700. I was starving.

Not so hungry as to even consider boiled spinach, stewed weeds and something called stewed foot hoof - what??? I contented myself with a chocolate muffin from the fridge. Normally there is at least something I can take a few mouthfuls of but not today, it was going to be my really lucky day.

The hour and a half delay came and went and still no sign. Just as I finished wiping out the last of the wine stocks the girls came and told me my flight was boarding. I can’t fault her for walking me to the gate and getting me admitted ahead of the queue and I was delighted to find I was the only passenger in 1st class so could sit where I liked. Forget the films on the personal screen, I found Do Di Ju on it and knew that would make the time whizz by!

Would I like an orange juice? Yes please. What would you like after take-off? Déjà vu again. What have you got that’s alcoholic? Nothing. I don’t pay double price for no queues, inedible food in the lounge or a bigger seat, I pay it so I can drink in the air and so I said that I would be very reluctant to fly with China Eastern again in light of this - bad enough we were going to take to the skies 3 hours late as it was.

In she rushed to the cockpit and returned to say the Captain had just radioed the terminal to have emergency supplies of beer sent to the plane. Whoa! Don’t hold the flight up just for that! I was assured it wouldn’t and sure enough some beers were delivered, put in the ice machine to chill and I was a happy bunny.

Thankfully the in-flight meal was halfway decent, beef rice and garlic bread with cheese and ham salad and a fruit salad. I knew there would be no eating in Lanzhou.

Half an hour before we were due to land a man came into first class with cases and boxes. I asked “my” stewardess if he was getting off now and using a parachute. She explained he had a connecting flight to Urumqi and would have little time to catch it considering our delay. Then the man went back to economy.

Many of you reading this will have been in a similar situation and of course so have I. 1st class get off the plane first. I called the hostess over and suggested the man should sit up front to get off quickly and she was amazed. Sorry but I thought it was the decent thing to do. I never knew there were 7 of them so the next thing I had the entire contents of Harvey Nicolls in the area and the first class cabin full!

I have to admit the people were grateful and when we landed I asked if we were going to a pier or taking a bus - the idea being to take these people on the exec bus if necessary. No we were going to a ramp. Ok.

As I heard the ramp connect with the fuselage my stewardess called me, she still insisted I should leave first. I said no, get these people off ahead of me, I have an hour until the last train anyway. I think the Urumqi Union couldn’t believe their luck. All I can hope is that they made their flight.

By the time my bag came out I still had 40 mins until the train. Enough to get my ticket and puff two cigars before going into the train terminal. Inside, my suitcase was stopped and they asked me in Chinese a question. English? That flustered them a little. One enterprising girl brought out a confiscated aerosol of something and gestured to ask if I had one. No. a squeeze pump of oilatum skin cream but nothing gas-operated. In order to put their minds at rest I showed them my 1st class boarding card for the flight I had just left and they were satisfied. Bloody odd to think that a spray can of Right Guard is prohibited on a train though!!

At least the queues for taxis weren’t as horrendous as in Hefei and I got mine, which promptly went out into unfamiliar rain in these parts. No need to water my plant pot and no sign of the peach stone having started to sprout. Might have to buy some seeds of mint again and keep the blighters indoors this time!