Monday 18^th March, 2019 1330

I would love to be able to echo The Bangles and state that it's just another manic Monday but I can't.

Alice and I duly went to the hospital at 1000, where we discovered that despite there being no such thing as a weekend in China, people still seemed to miraculously develop illness on Monday mornings.

First there was the obligatory explaining to yet a new doctor, who notwithstanding our simple statement that I had come for a gastroscopy, insisted on having a good look at the scans and reports. He asked about previous operations and I showed my shoulder (only operation I have ever had) and he looked perplexed. He asked Alice about my pelvis and I explained it had healed by itself. He seemed stunned no medical intervention had taken place (regular readers know that they completely missed it when it happened and when they did find out any damage would have already been done) and said I should have it looked at in case it causes problems in the future. I gave a wry smile, it's been causing me grief ever since it happened.

Then it was time to see another doctor who signed a form and sent us to pay for the exploratory work. After half an hour of queueing just to hand over more money, it was off to the Gut Studio. Everyone is given a hideous concoction to drink and half an hour later we went in. I got Alice to enquire about some anaesthetic throat spray for the retching and was told they didn't have that. Great.

After getting me in the foetal position and issuing instructions not to hold my breath at any time, The Beast was trundled into place. Looking at the size of the garden hose I wondered where the thin tube the size of a thermometer had been promised was. Surely they didn't harbour designs of sticking that down my gullet – without exaggeration it was the diameter of my little finger.

Oh yes they were! I can only assume that being an army hospital they assume their soldiers have no gagging reflex.

I cannot decide whether the events that followed were worse than waking up in 1982 to find doctors wrenching at my broken bones to reset them or not but it is a close run thing. The five minutes it lasted was most unpleasant and just as I knew I would, I retched uncontrollably for the duration.

There are indeed growths in there and of course I am not one to back away from wanting to know, so I asked straight up if it was cancer. They didn't know. Instead I need to go to a superior hospital (where the equipment is reportedly less than a century old) for yet another similar procedure where they can ascertain more. I think I will demand sedation for that.

The operation (I think it's a case of will rather than may be required), from what I can gather, could consist of keyhole endoscopy excision of the lumps.

And why is it that whenever anything goes wrong the quacks always have to bring up smoking and drinking?

Was I shocked at the findings? Oddly no, for when the constipation dragged on I became more and more convinced it was the dreaded C word. It was not unexpected.

Secretly I reckon Alice thought I was being a bit of a baby (I know damned well I am not and was not, I new full well I would heave) because the previous patient to undergo it, a young man, emerged smiling. As for me, once they withdrew half a fire hose from my gut, I couldn't help but emit ear-splitting eructations.

She was all for going to the other hospital straight away but I refused. I had just had a thoroughly unwanted and quite frankly bloody awful assault on my innards, received a diagnosis which was most unwelcome and simply wanted to get the hell away. After all, didn't she want lunch? That swung it for her!

Apparently I wasn't supposed to eat or drink for two hours following the GBH session, so I ate sparsely and only had one beer. She on the other hand, tucked in with gusto and still had enough left for a doggy bag for her dinner tonight.

She is now going away to endeavour to contact the other hospital for an appointment on Thursday afternoon.

I now may need to alert Foreign Affairs to the probability that they might want to increase the pittance of a medical insurance policy they took out for me. I have already nigh on used the amount I was told they were covered for and indeed I was prepared to bear the cost personally to avoid getting them involved. If I do, it will be virtually certain to ensure there will be no contract for me here next year. I will find out what further expense may be involved before deciding my course of action. Regardless, if I do claim on their policy, unlike Chizhou where I was a China newbie, I will not be paying any excess, they will pay the lot or face official retribution.

Stay tuned for further developments.