Friday 15^th January, 2021 1830

This “Grandpa” monicker seems to be universal here when it comes to me. By rights I should be highly indignant seeing as I am not yet of official UK retirement age but of course here I am four years past my sell-by date.

However it does bring to mind a teacher we had at my grammar school (Sir William Borlase) when I must have been fourteen years old. He taught Russian (pretty sure he wasn't himself though) and at that age anyone over forty looks positively reptilian and ready to crumble to dust at any moment. I guess he was perhaps a very badly-aged sixty or so in reality.

Anyway my class took Russian, although having spent four years in Oz I was so far behind (ditto with Latin) that it was deemed pointless for me to even contemplate said subjects and so during those lessons I seem to recall I was banished for individual catch up classes in other subjects such as French and German.

Anyway; and I cannot vouch for the truth of the story as it was relayed to me; one day the rest of my class unscrewed the hinges of the classroom door and closed it so that when he came in the door crashed to the floor. Kids can be so cruel.

But we had a nickname for him.

Death.

I suppose I should be grateful for mine, although over the years I have occasionally wondered what he thought of his – because as sure as hell he will have found out what it was!

Yesterday was Lanzhou Center day. Jody did her usual missing act until late so I ate alone. BK spicy angus. Jesus, I can still taste it! Yes it was a bit spicy but entirely ruined by gallons of dark brown sweet and sickly gunk that was to be honest, putrid. Never again!

After that it was new shoes time. I hold the Olympic record for shoe buying, sometimes with disastrous consequences but I think, having worn them this afternoon, they will do ok – especially as they only cost 200¥ and in a boutique shop where I was expecting eye-watering price tags. Still not “trampoliney” as I (maybe falsely) recall buying in years gone by. In and out in under five minutes.

Oh, and yesterday my health code stopped working on my smartphone. Jody told me it said it was only available for Chinese ID numbers not foreign passports. Looks as though a trip to China Unicom is called for but that also signals forking out another 200¥ to resume connection to a network I neither need nor bloody want.

Anyway, after plying Jody with a thimblefull of Baileys special coffee flavour and a peach Rio after our trip to Metro, last night she inveigled me into coming to her extra job to meet two kids, both aged six.

What I never realised when I agreed was that not only would we be meeting in McDonald's but I would be footing the bill for four meals and two ice creams for the anklebiters. As it happens they were quite cute considering I can't abide the creatures for too long but Jody introduced them to that appalling, execrable habit the Kiwis and Septics have – dipping French fries into ice cream. It turns my stomach every time I see it. About as appropriate as serving up crackling covered in whipped cream. Stop the bus I want to be sick!

Playtime over, we got a taxi home. For the first time in absolutely months the driver demanded I put my mask on. They all wear them but for passengers (especially in the back) it is normally voluntary. “Oh God, you're one of those” I muttered. And then I struck back. I have no idea what it is about Chinese taxi drivers in the colder climes that makes them feel it's fine to freeze their customers' nuts off in winter. I understand the reluctance to use aircon as that costs but heating is free!

So I ordered him to close the damned windows. They are closed, apparently he said in Chinese. So how come I can get my finger out of the front passenger window? All windows were then closed.

Oh my God, then Armageddon broke out. He said something and Jody went into full hornet mode. For a foreigner it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between normal conversation and a row because it can often appear heated even when amicable. There was no mistaking it this time, the lioness was not pleased. During a lull I enquired what was happening. He asked where you are from. Well, I had guessed that because although I can't speak the words, I knew she had told him I was a teacher at Lanzhou City university. So, he was just curious, they ask that all the time.

Out came the stinger with a vengeance. NO!!! That's why he told you to wear a mask! He thinks you brought the virus into China! To be fair to Jody that is now the third occasion she has been with me when we have encountered virusism and she is quite frankly fed up. She was like an IED just waiting to go off sitting next to me and I honestly thought he would end up chucking us out of his cab but he didn't. He then accused us of saying bad things about him and looking down on him when we had done no such thing. He also claimed he couldn't understand English so she said then how do you know we said bad things? I said tell that a-hole I haven't left this country in nearly three years, I stayed with the Chinese when the virus hit when I could have run away and this is the thanks I get?

The rest of the journey was somewhat silent.

Oh well, big BHG shop tomorrow (she can carry two boxes of wine while I take one plus the real shopping!) and then a lazy weekend.