Friday 6th February, 2015                 1630

I (or rather my wallet) am/is in shock. More on that later.

The water finally returned at about 1600 on Wednesday and I gratefully went and showered. After that I washed a mountain of dishes which had built up and Mulan swept and mopped the flat, studiously omitting my bedroom and for which she was taken to task. Luckily Sarah was being treated to dinner by her headmaster in town and Mulan just wanted pot noodles. I was sorely tempted to go the entire day having eaten nothing but thought better of it and heated my last remaining pie (must order another load in the next day or two) so that at least I had ingested something that day.

Yesterday Mulan and I went to town for the now customary holiday breakfast/shopping run. This time she had a McMuffin so couldn’t do anything disgusting with it and again I stocked up on cheap wine in advance of the transport shutdown. As I think the buses only stop for one day, I reckon I am well prepared as from memory I have a dozen bottles in stock and will be on my own anyway.

Mulan left on her e-bike to visit her uncle. She took a plastic laundry box with her for him which in my opinion was crazy. It was so big the only place (short of tying it to the rear of the bike) it could possibly fit was behind her and that would leave about an inch of seat for her but do it she did. Sarah was once again being fed in town and, not fancying cooking just for myself, I invited Molly to come and meet me in town.

I gave her the choice of western (pizza/steak etc) or Love in Town and she plumped for the latter. For the first time there the ordering was spot on re quantity. Everything bar two small spring rolls was consumed and I really enjoyed Molly’s company. Sadly in my haste to leave to get the bus after my nap, yet again I forgot my camera so have no photo of her to show you. I will rectify that in time, I promise. I was also pleasantly pleased to only have to pay 28y for the meal after presenting an in-date discount voucher.

Sarah met me at the bus stop when we had eaten as she had finished teaching, like me she doesn’t relish walking getting on for a mile uphill from south gate to my home, although today she borrowed her own e-bike from her baby brother so she is now a free spiri and taking advantage of my free power to charge it up.

This morning it was Sarah’s turn to come on the breakfast run although she left straight afterwards to go handing out recruitment leaflets for her headmaster so the shopping was left to me. I thought Anna was bad in McDonald’s but Sarah went a step further today by shovelling her Big Breakfast into the muffin and including strawberry jam with the eggs and sausage patty. Unbelievable. As I am effectively down to one pair of everyday trousers (the UK ones are all now too small and the ones I wore today are so tight I have detached the zip from the main body) I decided it was time to buy some new ones. I thought perhaps a couple of pairs would set me back between 200-300 yuan in RT Mart.

Arriving at the clothing section in the supermarket I saw some decent looking slacks and duly waited for assistance. Normally in Chinese shops you get assistance even when you don’t want it but this morning there was no-one in sight. More to the point, nobody was manning the sewing machines at which they adjust leg length. After waiting a few minutes my patience ran out and I decided to take my clothing custom elsewhere and instead went and bought wine and chicken (yes, tonight Sarah and I will have the arrabbiata while Mulan has a hot dinner date with a fat boy from her high school days) and then I embarked on the odyssey that my garment purchasing always entails in China.

I did consider getting some tailor-made in view of my upcoming renewed stardom on the small screen but dismissed the idea due to time constraints. Instead, I visited shop after shop in New West Street and eventually West Street itself. Now these are expensive shops, you don’t have to ask the prices to realise that, however I did want to buy trousers that would last more than a month before the pockets holed or the arse split. Everywhere I went the response was “mayo” even when I indicated that I wear my trousers under rather than over the gut. Being a fatty in China is really not funny sometimes.

Eventually though I found somewhere, a “designer” (admittedly Chinese designer) label shop which could accommodate. Now, “designer label” has to be just about the most idiotic description ever invented by man - I mean, is everything that is not “designer” simply accidentally thrown together, nobody designs those cheap jeans????

I was given two pairs of what to me felt like good quality breeks, tried them on and they fitted aside from needing a couple of feet chopping off the legs. Great, I will take them even though they are both almost identical and the students will think I wear the same trousers all the time. Could they sell me a new belt? No but they took me to another shop while my kecks were being shortened.

This is where I went into shock. Two pairs of trousers and a belt, admittedly good gear, set me back 600y. It’s done now though and I have decent attire for the filming.

Speaking of which, the programme they want to do about me would appear to be getting shot on Sunday. I have done my utmost to get my friend’s little school some free advertising and I think they will film a bit in Apricot Village with me and the kids and from what I can gather I have to go market shopping (plus bartering) and making dumplings either in the kindergarten in the village or at Molly’s home. Molly really wants to get her parents on TV! It’s going to be a long Sunday methinks.

As for the spring festival gala programme, we have a full rehearsal on Tuesday and the show with all the dignitaries on Wednesday. I failed in getting Mulan and Sarah into Wednesday’s show but succeeded in getting them to Tuesday’s. Plus they should get a seat if we are early enough. The TV studio is filming both nights anyway in case anything goes wrong, then they can mix and match footage for broadcasting, very prudent indeed.

Before I post this I simply HAVE to make an observation regarding Mulan.

I believe she would prefer to be and I believe she should be, a boy.

Her eructations erupt with that many decibels and with such a low timbre so as to place her in the top three in terms of manly belches I have ever heard produced in my entire life. Whilst this may seem amusing to some and indeed in other circumstances it may to me, the problem is that when she does it in my company everyone in earshot (approximately a half mile radius) immediately assumes I was the one who emulated a two hundred pound bullfrog on amphetamines. After all, how could a sweet girl possibly be the guilty one?

Come back soon Anna, your “Hey Steve! Hehehehe!” is far more preferable!