Sunday 14th May, 2017                          1330

Handily, I was tired last night and so went to bed well before the witching hour. I awoke in pitch darkness for a visit to the loo, at which time it was raining. On the infrequent occasions we get rain here it seems to be during the night and damned annoyingly, I can hear it in my bedroom.

When I did heave myself off the mattress, mainly because I found it impossible to drop off again, it was light so I knew it was past six. Indeed it was but I was most happy because it meant that tonight I shall be able to do likewise and will be refreshed (well as refreshed as I ever am at this age) tomorrow ready for a day of teaching.

Over my now customary coffee (I gave it up for twenty years due to caffeine palpitations, with the exception of the very occasional French, Irish or Jamaican versions) I decided on a whim to do my cigar run today. That frees up one of my days during the week and pandered to my procrastinatory streak - I have yet to address the issue of scrubbing and mopping the floors.

I then discovered that the Colon Cleanse that I expected to be ineffective is anything but! I had taken one last night as a test and because today I am having omelette. We all know eggs have a powerful binding quality.

And so it came to pass that shortly after ten I left home, robbed the cashpoint and went for a 131 bus. I arrived a few minutes prior to one departing but never got on as it was standing room only and I don’t stand these days. Bugger that, especially as I find young people in Lanzhou have a propensity to suddenly find something outside the window so intensely absorbing that they don’t have to give up their seat for anyone less than a century old. No, I waited, after all, I had all day.

No problem at all getting my arse parked on the next bus and jolly good job too - he had to have been the jerkiest driver in the city. Had I had the temerity to stand it wouldn’t have been the case for long - even the young people who did found themselves sloshing up and down the bus like bilge water in a Force 10 at regular intervals. The guy couldn’t even brake for bus stops smoothly. Either his right leg has St Vitus’ dance or that bus needs serious maintenance. I doubt it is a year old.

In China Tobacco my English speaking “pal” wasn’t working today, he who gave me a free bag and three lighters. In case of such an occurrence I had taken three mao to pay for a bag. The lady at the counter held up four fingers and said “sher” so I shook my head, held up five and said “ooh”. It then dawned she was telling me they only had four in stock. Damn. I took them and then looked under the glass counter. Plenty of expensive cigars of course but then I spotted the same brand in packs of five instead of ten and for the same price of one yuan apiece. Ascertaining they were also “sway jars” I bought a hundred to make up the deficit. As it happens the are cigars with holders, a bit faggoty and they burn just like cigarettes. Hardly ideal but better than having to make another run prematurely.

I paid and lo and behold, not only got a free bag but she pulled out a box of lighters! I asked if they were all for me and she nodded but I didn’t want to take the pee and instead took just three. They only cost one yuan each but everyone likes to feel valued as a customer, don’t they?

And so I left. A cheat bus to the train station, get off and wait for a seat on a return bus, again involving waiting for the second one to depart in order to get a seat. The Yellow river is high today so the dam must have been opened wide and the flow is almost pure mud, it’s as brown as I have seen it. In fact the only time I have seen it less muddy was when it made a liar of me when Alice was here.

With Shenyang Steve arriving the weekend after next I have been mulling over how to get him to his hotel from the airport. We could take a train to the west station and a 20-25y taxi or we could overshoot to the main station and take a 131. I prefer this simply because he can see the city and also cross the river. Added to that, the bus stop is right outside the hotel.

Except it isn’t!

Well, it is but it’s the ONLY one the 131 doesn’t stop at!!! How idiotic! The stops immediately before and after are some distance away and whilst the Shenyang Superman who circumnavigates China on his bicycle every Sunday morning before breakfast without breaking sweat would yomp it quite happily, this fatty says No Way! I foresee going all the way to Peili and getting a 10y cab to the hotel. If God had meant us to walk he would never have let us invent the wheel.

I got home a while ago (2.5 hours just to get my smokes) with the intention of preparing celery stuffed with cream cheese to take to work in the morning. The cheese was a block of penicillin so that idea flew out the window and has now been replaced by tuna, pasta, boiled celery and chilli sauce. And yes, I am having omelette and chips as planned.