Tuesday 31st May, 2016                         1835

There’s nothing like a good tragedy as long as it’s not your own. The saga continues.

Yesterday morning I found out that the university in Suzhou had basically withdrawn the job offer. Not because they didn’t want me but because their pet insurance company wouldn’t cover me for what is basically one trivial and perfectly normal “problem” - the palpitations. Not one doctor ever has said it needs treating, including the specialist I saw at the weekend after the 24 hour monitoring. But then underwriters know better than the medical profession.

Everywhere I searched, doctor after doctor states that the heart beats 100,000 times a day and unless the PVCs reach 20,000 or 20% then no intervention is usually required. From what I could glean from the printout, mine run at 1.5%. I spent last night in the slough of despond, desperately thinking of solutions, one of which was to take out my own cover with a western firm but the problem with that is that they offer the best of everything - private rooms, big city hospitals etc. and it is of course tailored for the expat earning western wages, not a lowly teacher on Chinese money.

I really thought I was going to have to try looking elsewhere in Asia for work - I only need 6 more years for Christ’s sake - when Jenna from the agency (she has been great) said there was another school in Changzhou, Jiangsu province that she would like me to interview with. Said interview will take place on Thursday because I am busy with classes tomorrow. However another spanner was thrown into the works. Qualifications now need to be notarised. Thirty-eight years I have had it, do they really think I forged it all those years ago?? Now I need to take a trip to Hefei to get that done although how they will verify it given that the government department that issued it has had several name changes since, is anyone’s guess.

My only gripe with the conditions is that the kitchen is shared between two teachers. Private everything else but I no more relish sharing a kitchen than I would a bathroom. However, they inform me that the other foreign teacher does no cooking at all so if that’s the case then fine because it is a BIG kitchen. I could have fun in there!

Yet again the film makers wanted the foreigners today but they were out of luck. I was the only one willing and able. Richard was making up the classes he missed last week because of the filming, Juliette is crippled because she injured herself doing tai chi this morning (how on earth do you hurt yourself doing what is basically slow-motion kung fu????) and Andrei was off to get pain relief for her and sort out his motorbike which won’t start and has no charge.

I thought they would cancel it but no, they sent a car to get me. They were on location in England World today. It’s basically a load of new apartments/shops that are empty but the ground floor doors and windows have murals on them of faux English coffee shops, a gym, bars etc. it took me ages to learn my lines (and instead of the foreigners they had roped in the crew as extras) and the afternoon was spent filming probably 8 seconds. Just people walking around outside and I had to walk past the blind boy and say “Good afternoon”. That was it. Ok they had to take it from different angles but we got away with nine takes in all. Then the producer (who speaks a little English) told me “work over”.

I would have been happy to have just been given a lift to the station so I could get a bus home but they insisted on a car with another of the crew as passenger. It was then the thought occurred to me that I might be being kidnapped, either that or the other chap wanted a lift to the hotel as we went in the opposite direction.

On the contrary, we were taken to Green Town/World or something like that, which is a new development of gated luxury flats. I thought maybe the producer had meant to say scene over and went into the block. As it was by now 30C I was happy to encounter central air conditioning in the building I can tell you. The convoy (bus, truck, van and cars) arrived after us but before the producer arrived the early arrivals in the crew shepherded me into one of the four en suite bedrooms of the show home.

Now I had noticed earlier that there was a very attractive girl I never saw last week - lovely set of pins on show too. As I entered the bedroom there she was, waiting for me on the bed and looking ravishing. My heart started to misfire even more than it normally has of late and I wondered if I was this time to play the Pervy Professor! I have to say, even with a crew and cameras I reckon I would have given it a good shot!

Then when I walked further in I saw the blind boy also on the bed.

Was I going to catch them in fragrante delicto? I had to sit between them, still no producer, and the big furry mic was boomed over us. The other two said “Good afternoon” and then they gestured to me! Whoa! Hold on! Nobody has told me what I’m supposed to do!

Eventually the penny dropped. I had been taken there for one reason only. All three of us had the same line outside and the sound quality wasn’t up to scratch, after all there were roadworks not far away. And then it was over, except they forgot about me for 20 minutes, sitting alone in the bedroom so as not to spoil any shots! I almost laid down and had a kip!